Hello lovelies! Since I am posting the two final chapters together, I'll extend the note at the next one. Enjoy :)
Blair lets her naked body roll around in Dan's sheet, trying to put down the tremors running through her. It's hard to breathe, with the humidity of the end of spring settling and the aftermath of her climax. She hasn't completely gotten back down when she feels Dan's equally slick chest flush against her back. His heavy breathing blows on her neck, making her shiver. He takes her leg and pulls it up on his hip, getting an opening wide enough to enter her again.
"Oh" Blair lets escape in a gasp.
He doesn't go slow, gets into it right away, hips canting forward hard. Blair feels the heat build back up quickly, in her skin and her fingertips. It doesn't take very long for her to clench around him again, biting down his name on his forearm around her. Dan's hand presses her hip closer to his, getting in deeper before tensing behind her.
He pulls out and rolls on his back, bringing her against his side. An unusual silence for Brooklyn greets their need for rest, making it seem like time stopped for them. Out of habit, Dan moves to pull up the sheets upon them, until Blair stops him.
"I just want to feel you" she says.
She has recently developed the need to be close to Dan, all of the time. The smell of his skin becomes an addiction to her, and his low-pitched, casual, drawling Brooklyn accent is now her favorite sound. The mere thought of him lights up sparks inside her skin.
When he has rested enough, Dan pulls up his underwear and goes to sit behind his computer. Blair doesn't dress up when she leaves the bed to wrap her arms around his neck from behind. Dan laughs slightly.
"I really have to finish this chapter, Blair, or Alessandra is going to kill me. Besides, you need to go home to Nate"
Blair trails kisses on his shoulders, thoughtful.
"How come you're so comfortable, talking about him?" she asks in a whisper.
Dan starts typing away, and Blair knows he's already not listening anymore. She shakes him, asking for his attention.
"How come you don't mind talking about Nate?" she asks again.
Dan shrugs, not turning back.
"I've been where you are, right now. I told you, I know it's not easy. You don't want to hurt him, and I don't want you to hurt him. So we'll take our time"
Blair has stopped brushing her lips on his skin by now, nose simply buried in the crook of his neck.
"Would you have left Emily for Gaspard?"
Dan doesn't tense under her touch at the question, but she feels his sigh raise and fall in his shoulders.
"I guess we'll never know, now. I don't want to know, anyway"
Blair finally releases him to start dressing back up in her underwear. She is pulling her dress back on when she realizes Dan has stopped writing and is watching her. She smiles at his contemplating look. He loves her, it's so obvious. She isn't scared of that, when she thinks of Gaspard; that Dan will stop loving her. But she can see he never got any closure, especially now that she knows everything that happened.
"Gaspard came to see me last month" she says, and Dan stops smiling at her progressively "I'm sorry I didn't tell you"
"What did he want?" Dan asks, leaning forward in his chair, interested.
"He wanted me to convince you to return his calls" Blair starts to fix up her hair, more to try to hide her nervousness. "He said he wants to apologize for everything"
"Why? Is he dying, or something?"
Dan seems slightly angry and it worries Blair, the kind of rush emotions that he seems to get when it comes to Gaspard.
"He said he wants you back. He said you're the only one who's ever loved him"
Dan laughs then, chuckle shaking him. He stands up and starts dressing up too, a kiss pressed on Blair's forehead on the way.
"It's probably not the first time he's pulled that one on somebody"
Blair takes out mascara, unable to stop moving "He seemed pretty sincere. Perhaps you should agree to see him"
Dan waits arms crossed for her to turn around before asking her.
"Why should I?"
"I don't know" Blair shrugs, tired of pretending to be casual "Everyone deserves a second chance"
"It'll be his umpteenth chance"
"But his first at apologizing, right?"
Dan puts jeans on, and a pair of socks "I have dry-cleaning to pick up, you should go"
"Dan…"
"I'm not mad. But it's already seven, Nate will be home soon"
Blair picks up her watch from his bedside table, realizing he's right. She takes her purse, puts on her heels and walks around the bed to fall on his lap, preventing him from putting on his shoes. Her arms link around his neck easily, and she kisses him long and hot.
"I love you, Dan Humphrey"
Dan answers with a small kiss on her lips.
On her way home, Blair starts feeling flush again. She urges the cab driver to put the air conditioning on, and go through red lights, ready to get off the traffic. It's the only disadvantage to visiting Dan in Brooklyn; after leaving him, she has to face rush hour in a cab so her journey would be untraceable.
That day is the worst of them all. The weather is too humid, too heavy and Blair starts seeing white dots. When the cab stops in front of her building, she rushes inside after having tossed a bill toward the front seat. Nate is already home, just like Dan predicted, and Blair is grateful for it when she collapses in his arms as soon as she passes the threshold.
"Hey" Nate fans her with his paper "What's going on?"
"Thirsty" Blair manages to say.
Nate lifts her in his arms, and lays her out on the couch before bringing her a full glass of water. Blair downs it in record time.
"Did you walk all the way here from The Met?" he asks, stroking her hair.
Blair nods "There was no car available"
"You should've called Chuck, he would have gotten you a limo" Nate reprimands her with a look "Especially since you haven't been feeling well, lately"
Blair frowns, handing him back the glass.
"What do you mean? I've been fine"
"I just think you've seemed a bit more tired that's all." Nate stands up "Rest, I'll order in for tonight"
Blair remains lying on the couch, wondering if Nate is onto her. Perhaps he's noticed the change in her behavior, how she is always so alert when he touches her without warning, or when she pretends she is tired when he tries to have sex. She just thinks she ought to be more careful. It's not until she is sitting with Nate, biting into an eggroll and feeling her stomach turn over that she suspects the worst. Taking in deep breaths, Blair puts aside the plate and goes to bed with a smile. When Nate joins her, hours later, she still isn't sleeping.
In fact, she doesn't sleep all night. She counts, and recounts in her head. Then she eases herself, thinking it's impossible anyway. She only has a fifteen percent chance, which is basically nothing. Nate's snores next to her make every passing second heavier than the precedent.
When he leaves for work the following day, Blair leaves for the grocery store. She buys a whole bunch of useless stuff, along with the pregnancy test, as a tentative to be discreet and to reassure herself. But as soon as she gets home, her bags are dropped in the foyer and she runs to the bathroom.
Six minutes later, a little plus appears on the test window.
"Fuck"
It's as if it opened in her mind a gate through which a wave of causes and consequences is now flooding. She is pregnant, and she has recently started sleeping with Nate again. She didn't use protections with either of them because Nate is her husband, and with Dan she was always too caught in the moment and she had only fifteen percent chances, goddammit.
Blair is frozen in her bathroom for she doesn't know how long. She can't move, because as soon as she does, she'll have to be acknowledging, she'll have to be wondering, and taking responsibility. She is only aware that her entire life, the one she's built herself so far is threatened by the stick she is holding in her hand.
At that moment, the only thing she can think of doing is run away. She runs to her bedroom and opens a suitcase. She throws the test inside, along with clothes and shoes and some toilet stuff. She is acting so fast that it almost seems as though she had planned everything. In the cab, she gets a plane ticket with her smartphone; calls Nate to tell her she will be gone for a week, calls Dan to tell him she loves him and to wait for her return.
When she gets on the plane, Blair wills herself to sleep, fear pounding in her gut.
Serena comes to pick her up at the airport. There is a genuine smile on her face when Blair appears amongst the little crowd, and her arms easily part to take her in.
"It's really good to see you" she says.
Blair answers the embrace, eyes falling shut for an instant.
"It's good to see you too"
Serena helps her carry her bags, and leads her outside to a yellow convertible. It makes Blair laugh a little.
"Could you be more predictable?" she asks, getting into the front seat.
Serena closes the trunk and goes to settle behind the wheel.
"At least I have my license"
Back at her hotel room, they drop her luggage, kick off their shoes and settle on her bed with bowls of fresh tropical fruits. Blair congratulates herself on her decision to come. Serena was the only one she truly needed.
"When are you coming back to the city?"
Serena shifts uncomfortably on the bed, biting nervously in a quarter of pomegranate.
"I don't know. Not soon"
Blair swallows "Chuck told me what happened"
A peak of fear or shame –Blair can't really tell –flashes into Serena's eyes. She shakes her head, looking sorry.
"I don't know what to say, Blair" she whispers "I am so sorry"
"Don't be" Blair is quick to answer "Chuck and I broke up seven years ago, we were kids"
"I know, that's what I kept telling myself but…"
Serena trails off with a shrug, and a sigh. Blair knows it's time for her to do what she came for, and the idea makes her heart pump painfully in her chest.
"I would be the last person allowed to judge you anyway" she says "There is something I need to confess, and you're the only one I can talk about it to, right now"
"What's going on?" Serena inquires, looking relieved that the subject drifted off her and Chuck.
"Serena, before I tell you, I need to be sure…will you be there for me?"
"Of course" Serena replies without an ounce of hesitation.
It makes Blair a bit more at ease. She rehearsed the story on the plane ride, and she is ready to completely come clean. After she allows herself an encouraging breath, she tells Serena everything. She tells about Nate and Dan, about Gaspard and Emily, about Chuck, about her affair. She tells about how it started, with a comfort Dan was the only one to give her, with a connection he was the only one to apply. She attempts to explain to Serena the vivid sensation of finally living again when she is with Dan, and the guilt that threatens to consume her progressively. She tells everything, and Serena listens. Sometimes, her eyes widen in shock over some revelations, and Blair sees her breathing falter; but she listens. When Blair finally gets to the climax of the adventure, Serena shakes her head, incredulous.
"My God, B" she says softly "You're pregnant?"
Blair nods, a knot in her throat.
"Are you sure you can't know who the father is?"
"I'm sure. It happened around the time I started to sleep with Nate again" Blair looks down to her bowl of fruit "I'm doomed. I knew it would backfire, I knew I couldn't keep doing it unpunished."
Serena remains silent for an instant.
"You have options, Blair, you know" she says, her voice cautious "If you're not ready to take any decisions about…you can always…"
"I can't" Blair shakes her head "I already had a miscarriage, and I was told I only have fifteen percent chance of getting pregnant. This child is basically a fucking miracle"
"So you won't…?" Serena leaves the rest of her question to obviousness.
"I won't" Blair affirms "I can't"
"What are you going to do, then?" Serena asks, insistent "Because you have to know which one of them is the father, right? You can't lie about that"
Blair looks up, then, scared and hopeful.
"Can't I?" she asks in a whisper "If I decide to be with Nate, I can't tell him. It would destroy him"
Serena frowns "I don't know. It's just, based on the story you just told me, I thought you would be…choosing Dan"
"I never really gave it any thoughts, I realize it now" Blair answers. She doesn't think she has ever felt to shameful in her life, and she feels the tears finally crack up at the corner of her eyes "Nate and I are so good together. Dan has a complicated past, a complicated present even. I don't know if he's really over Gaspard, and I can't ask him because I know he'd rather lie to himself about that. I don't know that he won't get tired of loving me, someday. He's an artist, he works on instinct. I can't raise a child with so many blind spots"
"Then ask him" Serena sits up, determined "Fight to find the right decision to take, Blair!"
"I'm scared" Blair shrugs, crying for real now "I feel like I'm about to gamble my life"
Serena shifts closer to bed, and takes her in her arms, soothing her. Blair holds back tight, chest lighter when Serena whispers she will be coming back to New York with her.
"We'll figure it out, B."
Blair can only hope they will. The rest of the week is spent in quiet, on the side of the ocean. Serena doesn't mention the dilemma and doesn't ask questions about Dan either. But sometimes, Blair catches her staring, as if trying to make sure she is still seeing the same person. That is what Blair quietly wonders, anyway. Every night before she falls asleep, she thinks of Dan, even when she tries not to.
Back in New York at the end of the week, Blair enters her apartment with a sigh. She still hasn't taken her decision, but she knows the moment her eyes set on Nate, there won't even be a debate anymore. Life with Nate is the safest situation she has ever known, and she would be a fool to throw it away.
On the way to her bedroom, she spots him sitting in the living room. The television is turned off, and he is staring out the windows. Blair puts down her bags by the door, and enters.
"I'm home" she says brightly "Serena is back too. Why aren't you at work?"
He isn't even dressed in work clothes, Blair notices.
"Did you take the day off?"
Nate turns to her, and stares for a moment. Then he nods.
"Yeah. I did" he says
"Are you not feeling well?" Blair asks.
The way he looks at her makes an alert burn her guts.
"I was waiting for you to come back, actually" Nate stands up, but doesn't approach her, and Blair doesn't dare step up either "At first, I was going to leave without waiting for you"
He nods toward her, and Blair turns around to see a suitcase and a traveling bag. She turns back swiftly, only slightly confused, and extremely scared. Nate looks angry now, a kind of anger that he seems to have fed for days.
"But then I decided you owed me an explanation" he says.
From his back pocket, he pulls out Polaroid pictures that he drops on the coffee table. Blair is too far to see them distinctly, but close enough to recognize the nude shots Dan took of her while he was staying with her. Blair doesn't even have time –or the capacity– to think before Nate speaks again.
"So, I'm waiting, Blair" Nate says "Explain to me why there are nude pictures of you laying on the very carpet I'm standing on, when I don't recall having taken such shots. We don't even own a Polaroid"
"I don't…"
Blair cuts off her own attempt to talk, since there is clearly nothing to say. No lie could ever work, no apology could ever redeem.
"Who is it?" Nate asks.
Blair shakes her head, doesn't to reveal. Nate laughs bitterly.
"Come on, Blair, I already know you cheated, I deserve at least to know who was fucking you all this time I was trying to make things work between us, don't you think?"
"You won't understand if I tell you" Blair says, really looking at him this time.
"You mean I won't understand that when you played upset that I hadn't been honest with you, you were actually upset that I had gotten with your boyfriend before you did?"
Blair swallows, doesn't answer.
"How dumb do you actually think I am, Blair?" Nate asks.
"I don't think that" Blair shakes her head "You're not letting me tell you the whole story"
"There is no whole story" Nate moves, walking past her to take his suitcase and his bag that he throws over his shoulder "There is only the fact that you cheated, that you betrayed me and that I would have never thought you capable of it. I thought you loved me"
"I do!" Blair follows him as he goes "I do love you, if you would just listen to me!"
But Nate doesn't listen. He opens the front door and leaves the apartment. Blair still follows, up until he stops in front of the elevator.
"You can't leave me. You can't do this to me"
"Watch me" Nate presses the call button hard.
"I was ready to forgive you" Blair says "When I thought you had cheated on me, I was ready to forgive you"
"I guess you're a bigger person, then" Nate laughs "Or dumber, I don't know"
"I'm pregnant"
The elevator opens, and Nate turns to her, glare glassy. She can see he is barely holding himself together. He doesn't talk, just looks at her for a moment. Then he asks;
"Whose is it?"
Blair thought telling him about her pregnancy was her last card, what would make her swim or sink. Now that he is asking this particular question, the one she was determined to ignore, she realizes she's been sinking the whole time. Before her lack of answer, Nate presses his eyes shut, like she just punched him.
"Fuck, Blair" he whispers.
He gets into the elevator, wiping his face to attempt hiding the tear rolling down there.
"I'll call you tomorrow" he says "We'll do a test. If it's mine, I'll take responsibility for everything I ought to. If it's not, I don't want to see you ever again"
Blair takes a quick, panicking breath.
"Nate, please…"
Her plea is cut by the elevator closing between them.
Blair is trembling when she gets back to the apartment. What she really wants to do is go to Brooklyn, and ask Dan why he would send the pictures to Nate, when he promised he was going to give her time. She wants to tell him she hates him, and that he ruined her entire life. She wants to hit him until his face is purple, and she can't feel her fingers anymore. She does none of this. She cries in her foyer, and she cries in the living room. She cries on her bed, cries herself to sleep.
Nate doesn't call her the following day, but texts a time and the address of a clinic. Blair rushes to it, hoping to get him to listen to her explanations. When she arrives, the nurse tells her Nate already gave his DNA sample.
Blair doesn't cry as they execute the tests they need. She just completely stops crying, and decides to wait for the results, wait for the reveal of her future.
Over the following week, Dan calls, and calls and calls and Blair never answers. She feels nauseous at the idea of even hearing his voice. Chuck had been right, when he told her she was about to get into something dangerous. She should have listened. She shouldn't have lied to herself, pretended that she was allowed not to play by the rules because she had suddenly realized she was unhappy.
The punishment is harsh. The test results are mailed to her apartment, and Nate isn't the father. Blair imagines his reaction reading the results himself, wherever he is. She wonders if he is relieved or happy even. Or was he also secretly hoping the child was his and that it would allow them to forget whatever happened?
She throws away the test results, and takes a cab to Brooklyn. She doesn't knock as she gets to the doors, just opens them and finds Dan standing in his kitchen, still wearing his pajamas, and his glasses. She knows when she sees him that he has been writing all night; that's one of the things she's learned to notice about him. She also knows he won't be in a mood for discussing, less fighting. But just like she owed Nate an explanation that never came, Dan owes her a bigger one.
"Why did you do it?" she asks.
Dan puts down his cup of coffee, and crosses his arms.
"What? Call you a thousand times, worry about you without you answering?" he asks "Gossip Girl announced your return from The Bahamas a week ago, Blair"
"Don't play dumb, Dan, for the love of God!" Blair yells "Why did you send Nate the pictures? You said you would wait for me. You said you would give me time"
"I don't understand what you're talking about, Blair" Dan says calmly "What pictures? I haven't sent anything to your husband"
He doesn't look like he is lying, just extremely annoyed and confused. Blair swallows, her anger making her thirsty.
"Well, someone mailed to my home the Polaroid pictures of me you took"
Dan frowns even more, and leaves the kitchen to walk to his room. Blair doesn't follow him, trying to locate the missing part of this fucked up puzzle. When Dan doesn't come back after the ruffling in his room has quieted down, Blair walks over there and sees him sitting on the edge of his bed, hands over his face.
"It was Gaspard" he says "I took your advice when you were away and I invited him over to talk. It…got out of hands, and he was gone when I woke up. I called him and told him I didn't want to get back with him, that I'm in love with someone and it's going to work. He hung up on me. I never heard from him again"
Blair has trouble breathing by now. So Dan didn't send the pictures, but she would rather he had, compared to what he actually did. She surges forward to slap his cheek. His head turns and his eyes close, taking it in.
"I'm sorry" he whispers
"You said you were going to wait"
"I know I did" his head turns again so their eyes can meet "But the more time passed, the more obvious it became that it was very unlikely that you were ever going to leave Nate"
"This isn't fair! He was my husband, I had built a life with him" Blair wipes the angry tears off her face "But I guess you can't understand that. Cheating on your spouse is not that big of a deal to you, is it?"
"Don't" Dan stands up, and Blair lifts her head to defy him with her glare. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Blair. I'm sorry that I'm not as perfect as you would have liked me to be. But at least I told Gaspard I wanted to be with you. You actually waited for Nate to find out, and leave you"
Blair opens her mouth in a reflex of banter, but there isn't anything she can say. She is right, and Dan is right. And it's not the kind of relieving truth that allows going forward. It's the kind that burns downs a veil that had been keeping their sight from acknowledging it.
Blair feels nauseous all of a sudden, and the main reason of it makes her panick.
"I have to go" she manages to say between deep breaths.
Dan doesn't stop her, doesn't go after her, but she hears him just say her name weakly as she leaves.
Blair takes herself to bed for two days, burring her sorrow in numbness and laziness. She barely eats, doesn't even shower, just keeps hoping for a phone call from Dan to tell her that they can make it work, that they are not as big of a joke as they seem to be. It never comes. So Blair decides she is going to stay in bed and sleep, and perhaps realize everything was just a nightmare. She gets out of bed, eventually, the third day when she receives an email from her boss.
She is asked to travel to Paris and represent The Metropolitan Museum of Art at the funeral of Gaspard Levalois, who ended his own life four days ago.
The final chapter is up! Go on and read it!