Disclaimer I DON'T OWN ANYTHING

"How are you feeling?"

Derek Morgan shifted uncomfortably in the chair. He was sitting right there just because Hotch obliged him. He wanted to go back to work as soon as possible.

It had been two months since Penelope's death but her husband still couldn't accept that. Derek looked around, and everything reminded him of her. It was as if she could appear at any time.

Her clothes were still in her side of the closet, her cup was next to the coffeemaker and her PC was still on. The psychiatrist warned him that if his house doesn't accepted her absence, he never could to move on with his life. But if Derek was honest with himself, he didn't want to move on. He wanted to live trapped in that life, the one where Penelope lived. Right where he could hear her laugh, touch her hand and feel her lips.

But that was a stupid thought impossible to achieve. Although he didn't get rid of her stuff or turn off her PC. Penelope was gone. Forever.

"That question is pretty stupid. My boss doesn't make me to come here to talk about my fucking happiness"

Dr. Swanson raised an eyebrow, writing something in his notebook. "Ok, Derek. Tell me, have you visited Penelope grave?"

"Of course not," he growled, crossing his arms.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't feel like it" Derek snorted in disgust, passing his hand over his face, "I can go now?"

The man looked at him without hiding his surprise. "This is good for you, Derek. You need to let off steam, scream your feelings and cry your grief. That's the only way you can be happy again"

"I just want working again. Don't want to be a useless all the time. I was someone who struggled to improve this fucking world and now I'm... I don't even know who I am"

His eyes shut closed, while Derek felt that familiar pain again inside his chest. His heart pounded against his ribs, making every beat more painful. In seconds, he could start to sob like a little kid, and he didn't want the damn Doctor seeing his tears.

But something inside him had shifted, his strings were broken, and right then, he couldn't stop it. His tears ran down his cheeks, but that no longer mattered.

"I don't know if I want to live anyway. Since she left, I close my eyes but I can't sleep and if I do, my nightmares are awful. Then I get up from bed and go wandering around my house like a damn insane, talking to myself, crying and cursing my life. And I know I have to fight because I have a baby who needs me, but sometimes I wish she'd never been born and then ... then I feel shit because I'm not the father that my daughter deserves "

He buried his face in his hands trying to calm his ragged breathing. Derek wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, sighing loudly. His moist dark eyes looked straight to Eric Swanson.

"Do you really think I'm going to be happy again? 'Cause I think that it will ever happen"

"Of course you can be happy again," he said with conviction, closing his notebook "This is a very hard time in your life but this will end some day"

Derek let out a bitter humorless laugh, "Saying something like that is so easy for you. But you don't understand anything"

"Yes, I understand you. Penelope's death has hurt you, but you survived it. You're here, your daughter is here. And it's sad, maybe even cruel, but life must go on"

"You don't understand!" he shouted, rising from his chair, "You know nothing! Only fuckin facts and sets phrases from your damn books, but this, what I feel, you don't understand it. I didn't lose my wife. That woman was everything to me. She was my best friend, my reason to go every day. She was the only woman for me and it always will be. So don't tell me that life goes on, you must be happy and all that bullshit. I want my work again, and maybe some bastard psycho will kill me"

He could see consternation in the clear eyes of Dr. Swanson. Derek shook his head helplessly, dropping his gaze to the floor. The last thing he wanted was to scare that poor man. Swanson really seemed interested in helping him to overcome his grief.

Derek wanted to apologize to him, but words don't came from his mouth. He was completely blocked. It was the first time that his voice shouted his harsh reality. His mouth had said what his mind was screaming. He was disappointed with himself because of his cowardice. How could she be proud of his more than evident depression? And if she knew his feelings about their baby? Would she be able to hate him?

His deep voice broke into Derek's thoughts "You've thought about suicide?"

"Yes, all the time"

"Have you ever tried?"

"No. Death really scares me. I'm too coward to kill myself "

"You're not a coward, Derek. Everyone has afraid of death, because we know nothing about" Swanson said softly, still looking at his patient, "Penelope doesn't blame you for her sudden death, never for a moment that idea went through her mind "

"You don't know her" he replied defensively, knowing that this man had found his weakness.

Swanson smiled slightly, leaving his notebook on the desk. "You've talked so much about Penelope, I really know her"

He looked at the doctor with a faint smile, silent for several seconds. "She and I had an argument"

"What do you mean?" Swanson said frowning "Wanna talk about it?"

Derek lowered his gaze, fixing his eyes on the floor "She wanted to go out to dinner. I was tired"

"What happened then?"

He sighed heavily, returning to raise his moistened eyes "She was very sad. That day was our first anniversary and I'd completely forgotten about it"

Swanson waited patiently for Derek "She shouted and I shouted too. Then I apologized to her, promising that the next day we would go to her favorite restaurant"

"No date the next day?"

He shook his head "I had to go with the team to Indiana"

"Well, she was mad at you?"

Derek looked at the doctor with his eyes full of sadness. His voice trembled as he replied. "When I returned to Virginia, she was in the hospital. I thought everything was okay, but then her heart began to beat crazy and then her eyes were closed. Someone pulled me out of the room. Five minutes later, she died. And the last moment that I lived with her, it was a fucking fight"