Oh, my dear friends, what to say? Writing this fic has truly been a wonderful experience, I got to be very daring and I am thrilled that you stuck with me.
I enjoyed Blair's point of view, and being able to show those characters under a very different light. Thank you again for reading, and I hope you will like the last chapter.
It's too hot, the day of the funeral. The inside of the church is suffocating, Blair fans herself uselessly, eyes fixed on the coffin.
No one knows why he did it. He didn't leave a note, so no explanations. He wasn't known to be unhappy, or depressed. Everyone knows the exact same thing; Gaspard Levalois had everything to be happy and swallowed a full glass of bleach one night.
Blair only assumes Dan knows about it, even though he isn't there. She didn't dare call to ask, didn't want to risk being the one stabbing him with the news. She simply took a plane to Paris, as she was asked to, and ironically hoped to run into him at the service. But he is nowhere to be seen, and Blair isn't surprised, nor disappointed. She is simply worried that Dan will blame himself for it. Even though the circumstances of Gaspard's decision are still extremely blurry, even though they don't know for sure Dan's rejection had nothing to do with it, Blair doesn't want him to torture himself about it, as she knows he probably will. She has been haunted by it, herself, wondering her role in the millions of factors that motivated Gaspard's action. Perhaps he only did it because he knew how much it would affect her, and Dan.
There is only Gaspard's older sister to talk during the memorial, since he had no other family apparently. She doesn't seem particularly shaken by the tragedy; she explains that they were never that close.
So Gaspard Levalois, the man who had ruined her marriage and brought her insecurities she never knew could exist, would remain an enigma to Blair until the very end.
After the ceremony, after the coffin is brought down to the tomb, Blair considers going back to her hotel room. She knows her director would kill her for not making sure everyone knew The Metropolitan was gravely concerned by the matter, but it's too hot, she has been standing in heels for hours and her she feels a stinging pain piercing her back. As the crowd starts processing out of the cemetery to go back to the memorial house, Blair tries to hail for a taxi. The sun is hitting hard on her head, and she feels like her legs will give up on her any minute.
"Here" someone says.
Blair turns. A woman dressed in black is handing her a bottle of water with a friendly smile. Before even thanking her, Blair takes the bottle and drinks half of it in a few gulps.
"Merci" Blair says in a resourced breathing.
"You can speak English, I'm Scottish" the woman says "And you're welcome, you looked like you needed it"
"How did you know I speak English?" Blair asks.
"Because I saw you hailing for a cab, and only Londoners and New Yorkers forget that it's not how it works in Paris. And because you didn't look as sad as everyone else, and there are only the French to actually be sorry that he passed away"
She doesn't seem ashamed to speak of Gaspard this way, accompanying her comment with a small shrug, and smiling at Blair the whole time. She holds out her hand.
"Emily McQueen, I used to work for Mr. Levalois"
Blair isn't surprised about that either. She connected the dots pretty easily. She shakes Emily's hand, examining her face. She has clear blond curly hair, a small nose and big blue eyes. She looks nice, and soft, but straight-forward. She is just a bit smaller than Blair, and her sense of style isn't completely repulsing.
"Blair Archibald" Blair says, when she realizes she's been shaking her hand without talking for a while "Sorry. I feel like I know you"
"I doubt it" Emily says with a fond smile "But I know you. I've heard of your exhibits."
Blair nods, forcing a smile. She still feels too hot, and now a bit awkward. Emily seems to notice it.
"There is a place not far, we'll find a cab over there for you. I'll walk with you"
"You don't have to" Blair mumbles, starting to walk.
Emily shrugs "I was going to take one too. So, were you close to Gaspard?"
"My boss was" Blair says, finding the most commode answer "He and I never really interacted"
"He was extremely smart and talented, I'm sure you've heard" Emily says, staring at the ground while she walks "Obviously too much for his own good"
"Why are you here?" Blair can't stop herself from asking.
Because she knows everything that happened, and hadn't she been forced to herself, Blair would have never set foot to Gaspard's funeral. So she needs to make sure meeting Emily there isn't a sign from the universe telling her God knows what.
"I mean, you don't seem very fond of him" Blair tries to correct the brutality of her previous question.
If Gaspard used to smile a lot, Emily's specialty is to shrug carelessly.
"I figured I owed him to" she says "Gaspard has hurt me in a way no one has ever hurt me before. But he called me to apologize, the night before he killed himself"
"He did?"
Emily nods "I let his call go to voicemail, so I couldn't tell him that I didn't want his apology. I came here today to notify, if not to him then to myself, that I accept it"
"Why accept it?"
True to Emily's words, on the little place, they find several taxis waiting. She walks Blair to one of them, seemingly thinking of an answer.
"Because if we never move on from the things that hurt us, we'll all end up just like him"
She gives Blair her hand again. Blair shakes it back a bit numbly.
"It was an honor to meet you, Blair Archibald"
"Waldorf" Blair says "It's Waldorf, now"
She wouldn't have corrected her, if Emily hadn't just commented about moving on. But shaking the hand of the ex-wife of the man whose baby she was secretly carrying, Blair realized her life was going to drastically change, and it was up to her to make those changes the good kind.
The news of her divorce with Nate gets to Gossip Girl first, obviously. Then Page Six follows, then the local tabloids. Blair begins to get tracked almost every single time she leaves her apartment. Soon she only goes out to go to work, and come back home. Alone in her apartment, she gets through morning sickness, and does all of the things she used to do with Nate, and some of the things she used to do with Dan. She eats salads, and watches Hollywood's Golden Age movies, hand on her belly.
One Sunday afternoon, the bell rings. Neither Serena nor Chuck called to say they were stopping by, so Blair's heart shifts in her chest, imagining it's Nate coming to pick up the rest of his things.
Vanessa Abrams is the last person Blair expects to see at her doorstep. She looks very different, her outfit is still colorful, but her hair is straight, and shorter. She looks mature, and happy, non-poisoned by the Upper East Side.
"Hello" she says with a calm smile "May I come in?"
Once the shock has passed, an old reflex triggers inside of Blair.
"What do you want?" she bites, slightly arching in her back so Vanessa won't notice the slight bump under her blouse.
Vanessa doesn't seem taken aback or cross by Blair's reaction.
"May I come in?" she asks again.
With a tired sigh, because she has no counter argument and she is curious, Blair steps aside to let her in. Vanessa gets into the foyer, and waits for Blair to close the door.
"Dan told me everything" she says "I don't think he remembers, he was pretty wasted. But at least I got the answer as to why he looked so radiant for months, and then so miserable all of a sudden"
"So?" Blair crosses instinctively her arms "What is your purpose to coming here?"
"I came to give you this" Vanessa takes out an envelope from her purse and hands it to Blair "It's an invitation to the premiere of our movie tomorrow night. You should come, and talk to him"
"He won't want to see me" Blair doesn't mean to sound as hurt as she does.
"Dan has never really known what was good for him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have ended things with you"
Vanessa says it like she means it, and it unhinges Blair more than she can remember.
"It'll only make him more miserable to see me" Blair says.
"Then tell him I was the one to insist" Vanessa hikes her purse back on her shoulder "I'll take full responsibility for everything. But please, come"
Vanessa leaves without any other words, but with another smile. Blair stares down to the envelope for long minutes, before throwing it in the bin.
She picks it back up the following night, as she gets ready to leave for the premiere.
Blair knows if the pregnancy goes through, she and Dan will be forever linked. They've created a child together, at a time they were both in love with each other and she ought to tell him. The fatality of it scares her, but Blair knows she is the only one to blame. She didn't trust Dan, she didn't believe him when he said he would wait for her, and she knows he will want to make her pay. Sometimes, she thinks it would be better not to tell him. She considered moving away from New York, and raise her child by herself, without constantly being reminded that she is the reason why Dan isn't in love with her anymore. She knows it's impossible. Dan will find out, sooner or later, and her not telling him would only make everything worse. She is scared that Dan will force himself to tolerate her existence for their child, when he would rather just forget her. Sometimes, she even thinks it would be a blessing if a miscarriage occurs. The selfishness of the thought gives her a hard time to sleep.
At the premiere, she sits by the back of the theater. Dan hasn't seen her, but she sees him. He is sitting at the front row, whispering to Vanessa with a smile that is certainly supposed to be excited. But Blair knows him, and she knows his mind is miles away from the movie. She wonders if he thinks of her, or of Gaspard. Blair's insecurity about his connection to Dan is only heightened now that he's dead, and she shouldn't even be allowed to feel this way again.
Blair likes the movie. It's truthful enough to the book, and she can pinpoint exactly what element of it is Dan's idea. After the showing, she makes herself discreet at the party, stands quietly in a corner and looks at Dan shaking hands with people she doesn't know. Rufus and Lily come to her, tell her how sorry they are about her divorce and that she shouldn't hesitate to ask if she needs anything. It makes Blair a bit sick; if only they knew.
Dan sees her, eventually. Their eyes lock while he's shaking the hand of someone. He doesn't look away, and it makes Blair uncomfortable. She doesn't what meaning to draw from his expression; closed, and wondering. He makes his way to her, hands in his pockets.
"You weren't invited" he says.
"Vanessa invited me" Blair replies sharply, not liking his tone.
Dan grunts a little, turning around to glance at Vanessa before facing her again.
"You didn't have to come"
"I did. I need to talk to you"
Dan doesn't seem to hesitate before he takes her by the arm, and brings her outside. The softness of his touch surprises Blair, pleases her and hurts her the same. He releases her once they've passed the doors of the theater. To ease down her anxiety, Blair compliments on the movie, hands tight around her clutch that she positioned in front of her belly. She isn't really showing, but Dan knows her body better than anybody else.
She has never been more aware of her pregnancy than now that she is staring into his eyes.
"Did you go to the funeral?" Dan ends up asking when there is a lingering silence.
His voice was soft and tense, like he was afraid to ask the question, but eager to know the answer. Blair nods silently.
"Did someone know why he did it?" he asks, then.
Blair simply shakes her head. They fall back into silence.
"Emily was there" she says.
Dan, who was staring at the ground since the mention of Gaspard's funeral, lifts his head. He looks at Blair like he has a thousand of questions to ask.
"How did she look?" is the one he lets out.
Blair takes her time to think of her answer, trying to remember the effect Emily had on her.
"Peaceful"
Dan nods, and mutters a 'good', staring back to the ground.
"What did you want to tell me?"
Blair shrugs, says the first thing that comes to mind.
"I miss you. I miss watching movies with you and going to The Morgan with you. I wish we could still be friends again"
Dan lets out a sigh, leaning against the wall.
"I miss it too, all of that. But we can't be friends again, at least not yet I think. It would only serve my ridiculous fantasy about us"
"What fantasy?" Blair asks, seeing her opening.
"I don't know, I just…" Dan looks at her then "You are so different from what I used to remember. I came back from London, and met you again and it was like I had been running away, looking from something that had been right under my nose. That kind of fantasy. But then, of course, everything comes crashing down because you're still Blair Waldorf, and this is still the Upper East Side. I don't even know how we happened."
Blair stays silent. The moment to tell him isn't right, it would only make it seem like she is trying to get revenge on him for something none of them is responsible. Dan stands back straight, and moves to take her in his arms. Blair's brain goes into alert mode, and she takes a step back. Their eyes meet, she sees his disappointment as his arms fall slowly.
"See you around, Blair" he says finally, before returning to the party.
Blair has a reflex to want to call him back, that she doesn't give into because how is she to explain that she did want him to hold her in his arms, she just didn't want him to feel his baby growing under her dress.
She stands on the sidewalk and stares blindly at the open doors, distracted only when someone puts a hand on her shoulder.
"I didn't think I would see you here" Serena says, looking around "Dan is going to be pissed at me for being so late, but I didn't want to risk running into Chuck"
She stops her peripheral inspection when she sees Blair's face.
"Did you tell him?" she asks softly.
Blair shakes her head "No. I don't feel well, sorry, I have to go"
Serena passes an arm around her shoulders, ready to accompany her and stops short when Chuck appears at the exit. Blair is only half aware of the glare the two of them exchange, before Chuck moves one way and Serena takes Blair the other.
"We're going to your place to pick up your stuff" she tells her "You're moving in with me"
Blair doesn't protest, and moves in with Serena. She has her own room, and Serena has hired someone to wait on her when she needs. Serena's building also has a private garden, it's a nice change in the routine to sit there after leaving the museum.
One day, when the nausea is too intense and her muscles too sore for even get out of bed, Chuck visits her. He comes with flowers, white peonies that he puts on her nightstand before sitting next to her on the bed.
"Word is you're pregnant" he whispers.
"Serena told you" Blair rolls her eyes.
"Word is it's not Nate's" he says then "Word is you haven't told the father"
"Word is you're in love with your sister" Blair bites back, sinking into the depth of her comforter.
"Word is you're damaging yourself because of it" Chuck continues, ignoring her.
"I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much"
"You're three months pregnant, and you won't go see a doctor to get checked out because you're scared the rumor spreads and that you'll have to tell him"
"Wrong" Blair groans "I won't go see a doctor because last time, he didn't predict the complications. Why should it be different now? It would be a waste of time"
"You're not making any sense, darling"
"Fuck you"
"At least we can check the overworking hormones out of the list of things going normally"
Blair turns in the bed, giving him her back.
"I don't need him. I don't need anyone."
"He will want the baby, if that's what you're scared of" Chuck says, before huffing, slightly mocking "He's a Humphrey"
"And if I do tell him, and he doesn't want it, I'll look like an idiot. I don't look good, as an idiot"
"No one does" she hears Chuck get off the bed "Talk to the man, Waldorf. Let's end this arc of your life for good"
"Just go back to your office, Chuck"
She hears his steps to the door, and when the sound of the handle clicks, she turns around.
"Chuck" she calls, and waits for him to turn "You're not in love with Serena, are you?"
She is only asking because if that can happen, she will have the confirmation things change, and that she isn't completely paranoid to fear rejection from Dan. Chuck stuffs his hands in his pocket.
"If I were" he says "I'd be an idiot. And I don't look good, as an idiot"
Blair considers giving him the finger before he leaves.
She doesn't get any better, not matter how much she tries to rest properly. A few days later, when Serena is already gone God knows where for the day, Blair opens her eyes to realize that her vision is blurry. The pain piercing in the small of her back and in her stomach, slicing her muscles up. She also feels hot, burning even, she can feel the sweat on her body soak her clothes. The little energy she has serves her to crawl to the living room, grab the phone and dial 911. Then she considers getting into a more appropriate outfit, but the pain paralyzes her entirely.
She remains lying on the carpet of Serena's living room until the emergency staff gets in with the help of the concierge. They ask Blair to tell what she feels. The only answer she can think of giving is that she is pregnant, and that she is losing the baby. Another thing she brought on herself. She did sort of wish for it to happen. She didn't listen to Serena or Chuck when they told her to get to a doctor.
The paramedic takes her in as she starts crying, blabbering things that she even doesn't understand. They give her something so she can fall asleep. Before she does, Blair makes a last wish fulfillment. Please stay¸ she asks the baby, because she is so tired and she feels so lonely.
The constant beeping is what makes her wake up. Everything feels numb, heavy, and static. Everything is so white too. The smell of bleach is so present that she's barely blinked before she bends over the side of the bed she is lying on, and throws up.
"Nurse! Nurse!"
Blair wants to sit up when she hears the voice, but she is still throwing up. So she holds up her hand, tries to verify with a touch that what she heard is real. Nate grabs her hand and holds it tight, supports her through her vomiting fit.
A nurse comes in, sighs at the mess and says it's normal. They give Blair water to drink, while the janitor comes in to clean up. Within ten minutes, Blair is breathing easier, seeing easier and sitting up calmly in her bed, with only Nate by her side. They exchange a look; Blair doesn't know what to ask. He sighs.
"I'm still your emergency contact" he says
Blair nods, and rubs her belly for the first time since she's woken up. She sighs in relief; the baby is still there, she can feel it.
"They say you're going to have to take an early maternity leave" Nate continues, rubbing his hands nervously and looking down to them.
"I can't" Blair shakes her head "People will know, then"
"I don't think you have much of a choice, if you want to keep this baby alive" Nate gives her a pointed look "And people were going to find out, sooner or later, Blair"
"Please" Blair closes her eyes "Spare me the 'he deserves to know' speech. Not you"
"I wasn't going to give you any speech" Nate shrugs "I don't want to get involved in that story. I was just stating a fact"
"I feel so tired"
What she means is that she feels tired of life, of hiding, of wondering and explaining. She thinks Nate understands just that too, even though he ends up telling her to sleep.
"Go on" he says "I'll come back tonight to check on you"
"You don't have to" Blair tells him, half hopeful he feels the contrary.
"I want to" he insists without looking at her.
He stands up from his seat, and leans over her bed to press a kiss on her forehead, hand curled around the back of her neck.
"Sleep, Waldorf"
"I'm sorry" Blair replies, holding him down by grabbing his forearm "I really am, you know"
Nate doesn't reply, but he lets go of her and leaves the room. Blair lies back in the bed, and stares out the window until her eyes drift shut again.
At her awakening, it's not Nate, but Dan sitting in a chair next to her bed, contemplating her with a frown. Blair sits up abruptly, instinctively trying to hide her belly. Dan gives her a look, asking her with it not to take him for an idiot.
"Nate called me" he says, unmoving and then after a short pause "Why didn't you tell me?"
Blair lies back, looking at him and only realizing how much she missed doing just that.
"I didn't want you to feel trapped or ambushed or…I don't know"
Dan leaves a long silence settle, meditating on her answer before he talks again.
"I've been trapped for a while you know"
Blair didn't realize she was going to cry until she actually starts. Before the sobbing gets stronger, she wipes her tears and looks for a way to end this situation once and for all.
"Dan, I'm tired and I feel like I'm drowning and I'm going to have your baby; so please tell me, do you still love me?"
"I do"
The instant answer startles her. She swallows.
"But it's like I told you before" he says "I don't know what to do with that. Loving you is the most complex thing that I've ever experienced."
"Let me help you figure it out, then" Blair sits up again, to get out of the bed.
Dan stands up in a rush, his arms on her shoulders like her legs are about to shatter and she is going to collapse. Blair pushes them away. She wants him to see that she will be doing fine on her own, and that she doesn't want to be with him, if it's out of pity. Blair feels inside of her in a hot, strong flash, waves of butterflies that she wants to love Dan Humphrey and that she wants Dan Humphrey to love her back.
"We should be together, Dan. Take me back and let's just live. Let's put Gaspard, and Nate and Emily in the past, okay?"
"Okay, but sit back down, please Blair" he gently pushes her toward the bed.
"No!" Blair pushes him back, hands pressed on his chest "Say that we will be together, or leave right now and never come back to break my heart"
The anticipation makes her suddenly breathless. Dan puts his hands on his hips, frowning.
"You are frustratingly controlling. I already told the nurse I'm the father and that you're coming back home with me when you get discharged tomorrow"
Blair's eyes stretch "You did what? Humphrey, people will know!"
"It's been on Gossip Girl for about three hours now" Dan shrugs "But we don't give a fuck, right?"
Blair finally sits back down, eyes upon. He is now the one anxious for her answer. Blair puts a hand on her stomach, tries to feel the presence she's gotten so used to over the last three months, realizing that Dan Humphrey is the one responsible for it. All those years she was trying so hard not to go back to square one, unaware that her life hadn't really started yet, Blair wants to laugh of it now.
"Come here, Humphrey" she says, extending her hand "Kiss me"
He takes her hand in his, and steps closer, leaning down to wrap his arms around her waist and lift her against his chest. His eyes roam on her face for a moment, before he leans in and kisses her.
When Dan leaves her that night, Blair is sure it was a fantasy. But when she gets ready to leave the hospital the next day, he is there, leaning against the doorframe.
He takes her back to the loft with him. He makes her sit at the kitchen bar with a bottle of water while he starts preparing some soup. While the stew is on the stove, he suggests she takes a bath to relax. Blair can only nod, heart secretly bursting that he is taking care of her and that it doesn't seem to be a burden for him.
He gives her one of his pajamas and helps her set the water temperature right. When the bath is ready, Blair sees him sort of dance on his feet with awkwardness.
"Can I see?" he asks.
When Blair understands what he means, she blushes and shrugs.
"There is not much to see, I'm only three months along"
Dan shrugs back. So Blair unzips her dress slowly, and pulls it down, eyes fixed on Dan who is staring at her stomach. His eyes stretch a little when he sees the slight bump.
"You're so tiny and skinny" he says softly, still staring at her belly "It looks weird"
"Well, thank you" Blair replies dryly.
He doesn't apologize for vexing her, too focused on the change of her body. Blair takes off her underwear and slips into the bath. Dan remains standing there, silent. Then he steps forward, toward the bath tub and sits on the edge of it.
Blair watches as he dips his right hand in the water, and presses it softly on her belly. Her hand settles on his naturally, without even her real consent. Dan gets a light chuckle of incredulity at what he feels. He looks up at her with a smile.
Blair smiles back.
Again, thank you for sticking with me. I am currently working on three new one shots, and I will also focus on the last installment of the La Bohème series - Les Plaisirs Démodés. I hope you all enjoy your start of summer.
See you soon!
xo