(Before, 'No Rest for the Wicked' 3.16)
Over 100 Tuesdays was too much for Sam.
Sam sat on the bed of the next 3 motel rooms, filled with the absence of Heat of the Moment and Pig 'n a Poke. Absent of Dean's multiple deaths and for several weeks afterwards, Sam flinched on Every mention of Tuesday. And Sam was absolutely done with Loki the Trickster.
Sam couldn't believe... Maybe he'd thought Loki really was human for a time. Sam already knew he'd gotten far too attached to Loki in bed and he should have never let down his guard. He should have stopped it at the beginning. He should have staked Loki when he first knew the trickster was alive. He should have never let himself get taken in. Sam felt numb and he threw himself into the last few hunts and then into research. Maybe it was the last few months of Loki's lingering world that left him feeling bitter and empty. He'd never felt so... fixated before in that world. He'd been alone. There was no Dean. No Loki. Sam withdrew into himself. Listening to Bobby felt listless and unimportant. All that mattered was the hunt. All that mattered was finding Loki and getting Dean back. Because Loki had killed Dean, and that meant that Loki could bring him back. And Sam had been right. Loki did have the power to break him and bring him back; only he felt more broken than ever now.
And Sam almost believed Loki when he told him to let Dean go. Almost. Sam still thought back to those haunting moments, the times Loki looked him in the eye and told him it was a lesson. That the obsession was going to hurt him; kill him. And Sam wanted to call Loki a huge hypocrite for it. Because he'd been the one to kill Dean so many times and it nearly drove Sam crazy with grief. He couldn't just give up on Dean. He just couldn't. Dean was his life line. Dean was sanity in this crazy world.
The last three months had been eaten up next to Dean's side and Sam was looking down at the beginning of May in the morning. It really was going to happen. Dean was out of time. Sam was going to either save Dean or lose him. And losing Dean was not an option.
"Hey." Dean sat on the bed across from Sam and Sam lifted his head from his hands. His fingers were gripping his phone tightly. Sam didn't answer verbally, he just looked up at Dean, feeling his voice was too gummed up to speak properly, "God, don't give me that look." Dean gave him an amused smile, as though he wasn't swallowed up with the fact that he was going to die if they didn't find and kill Lilith.
"What look?" Sam managed without falling apart.
"That watery eyed dog look." Dean told him.
"Dean, you're going to... in a couple days..." Sam took a deep breath, feeling drained.
"Yeah, I know." Dean sat up, sighing. If nothing else, Sam knew what Dean's brave face was, and it was a good brave face. It was, "Judgment day, right? We get Lilith or she gets us. We're going all out." Sam swallowed and nodded. Dean nodded as well, the morbid black cloud hanging over them. Sam took a deep breath, pressing his phone to his lips. He tried to focus himself on saving Dean.
He wanted to call Loki, as mad as it was. As mad as Sam was at Loki. That was how bad it was. As pissed off as Sam felt and as unjust as Loki was being, Sam wanted to talk to him. See him. Touch him. He wanted to beg Loki to save Dean, just one more time. Just once more.
"So," Dean rose his brows, "Last nights on earth." Sam looked up at Dean again, briefly wondering if Dean was going to suggest he go paint the town red, "What should be the last movie I watch?"
"It's not going to be your last movie." Sam said immediately.
"Hypothetically speaking." Dean said and Dean stood up, opening their cooler and getting out a couple bottles of beer, "I'm thinking a western." Sam smiled, just a bit.
"Your obsession." Sam sat up a bit.
"I'm not obsessed, shut up." Dean popped the beer tops off and handed one to Sam. Sam took a few drawls from it gratefully and slid his phone back into his pocket.
Dean was his anchor, Sam told himself. He never lost himself around Dean. He knew how to act around Dean. He knew how to speak. Everything was clear. It never was with Loki. Sam smiled sadly as Dean flipped through the TV, talking about all the crap they put between the good movies. There was nothing simple about Loki. Especially when Sam felt a little empty sitting there without him.