Disclaimer: Neither the concept nor the characters of Naruto belong to me. The song for this chapter is "When the heart ache ends" by Rob Thomas
Warnings: Shounen Ai, angst, and a re-written chapter. Might cause spasms or blindness…well, don't say I didn't warn you!
Any paragraphs in italics (like this) is a flash back.
Part Seven: Damaged
And I move in all directions
To the corners and the outskirts
While the lovers and the lonely
Start to whisper all about me
And if I stand here silent,
I almost start to feel you fading in
Telling me to hold on
'Cause it's gonna be all right
The next morning, Naruto saddled Taira with a sick, heavy feeling residing in his stomach. It was as if he'd been partially paralysed, his movements were sluggish and he somehow felt as if he were numb.
Taira seemed to have picked on his bad mood; the large horse was restless, and he continually nudged Naruto's shoulder roughly. As Naruto lead him out towards the arena, Shikamaru and Genma were starting to groom the Hyuuga and the Yamanaka horses. A sudden movement on Genma's behalf caused Taira to shy violently to the right, throwing his head up and rearing, attempting to pull away from Naruto and bolt.
In the end, Kakashi had to come and help Naruto subdue to powerful horse, and together, they led a jogging and sweating horse into one of the indoor arenas. Kakashi had made no comment, seeming to know that he didn't nee contrived words of reassurance or comfort. What he needed was to be left alone to his thoughts, so no one could see just how badly he was hurting.
Eventually, Taira settled down again, and Naruto started to lunge him, getting him to trot in a 25 metre circle around him, keeping the long lunge line gripped tightly in his hand in case he decided to act up again. He used the lunging whip (1) sparingly, because with such a highly temperamental horse, a whip only served to stir him up unnecessarily.
After working him in both directions for a good half an hour, a lot of Taira's restless energy had been eased, so Naruto let him slow down and then stop of his own accord before walking over to him, gathering the rope in carefully.
Naruto unclipped the lunging rein and unhooked the reins from around his neck, taking a moment to rub Taira's warm face, running his hands down the smooth cheeks, and stroking the delicate nostrils gently.
"You feel it too, don't you? Today's going to be a bad day for both of us, I think," he whispered, watching as dark ears flicked towards him.
Sighing, he tightened the girth and checked over the tack one last time, making sure everything was fitting right, and that all the straps were tucked into their keepers.
"Just behave yourself, would you? The last thing I need is to get into trouble with Sasuke today."
"Naruto?" Kakashi called form the stable yard. "You done in there?"
"Yeah. I'm coming."
Leading Taira into the yard, he saw Shikamaru and Genma standing with their charges. Kakashi was talking to Genma quietly, saying something he couldn't hear, so Naruto joined Shikamaru to wait.
"Hey." Shikamaru greeted him before yawning. "It's too early."
He smiled at his lazy friend, glad to have the chance to talk with him for awhile and ignore the heavy weight haunting him
"How're things?" he asked.
"Not bad." He shrugged. "This mare's a finicky creature though. Just like her owner."
Naruto reached out and stroked the palomino's pale neck.
"Yamanaka-san? What's wrong with her?"
"What isn't wrong with her? She's bossy and loud mouthed and a perfectionist to boot." Shikamaru scowled. "Troublesome is what she is."
Naruto poked him with a grin. "Poor shika. They go together well don't they? The horse and Yamanaka-san, I mean."
"Ya, I suppose they do. And they know it too. Just like the Uchiha and that monster." Shikamaru indicated Taira, who was standing behind him and fidgeting restlessly. Naruto glanced and him and rubbed his ears, amused at the way the horse leaned into his touch.
"He's not a monster. He's quiet beautiful." He replied, absentmindedly.
"Who? The horse or the Uchiha?" Shikamaru asked, with a probing looking.
Naruto flushed hotly, and avoided his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't mean it like that."
"Of course you didn't. I've told you, you're easier for me to read than a book."
Naruto found he couldn't come up with a suitable reply, both from embarrassment and because he couldn't find a way to deny it and make it believable.
"A word of caution though," Shikamaru's voice had dropped now, and was uncommonly serious. Naruto looked up in surprise and apprehension, wondering what was coming next.
"Keep whatever those feelings are to yourself if you can. I think Sakura has developed an….obsession with him. And it'll only make things difficult for you if she sees you as competition."
For a moment Naruto was speechless with shock, but he managed to shake himself back to reality.
"I'll keep it in min," he told him, his voice sounding subdued even to his own ears.
"Good. I won't mention it to anyone."
Shikamaru decided to leave it at that and began to scrutinize the post dawn sky with lazy interest.
"Looks like rain today," he commented offhandedly after a few moments of silence.
"It does," Naruto agreed quietly.
After that, conversation between them was non-existent. Naruto focused his attention on running his fingers through Taira's silky mane, determinedly avoiding looking at his three companions.
He didn't have a crush on Sasuke, did he? It was true that whenever he was around Sasuke, he felt uncommonly flushed and hot, and there was no denying Sasuke's beauty. Sometimes he was so beautiful that Naruto fairly ached at the sight of him.
He was definitely different from anyone else he'd met.
Sasuke wore a mask, like most of his family did (not that he had met any of his relatives), but something was nagging at Naruto, telling him that there was more to Sasuke than he let on. Something about him had captured Naruto for sure, but did that mean he had a crush? Was it infatuation or just lust?
Naruto didn't know if he was gay, or if he was straight. To be honest, he hadn't put a lot of thought into the matter. In fact, he knew that he could never be with anyone who he didn't love and trust. Maybe it was just his insecurities speaking, but he had always known that if he didn't love a person, and if that person didn't return his love, then he could never give himself, physically, mentally or emotionally whether they are male or female. Maybe he was bi. The concept didn't really bother him at all, neither did the thought of being gay, but the point was, he could never imagine a person like Sasuke loving a person like him. He imagine Sasuke with someone glamorous, like Yamanaka Ino.
But the idea of Sakura having a crush on Sasuke too was troubling. Would she really see him as a rival, or would she not mind? As much as it pained him to admit it, he wasn't sure how she would react. She was a dear friend to him, and the last thing he wanted was for her to hate him over something like this.
There were so many questions with no answers whirling around in his head that he was beginning to give himself a headache. It was the last thing he needed today; something else to weigh on his mind.
He rested his head against Taira's warm neck, wishing he could go for a ride or something, so he wouldn't have to think about it at all.
"Hey." Naruto looked up at Genma, who had the Hyuuga's bay closer. The man actually looked uncertain (Naruto had only ever seen him cheerful and confident, teasing and good natured.) and it startled him slightly to see him so unsure.
"Can we talk later? I think there are some things we need to sort out."
Biting his lip, Naruto nodded, knowing what it would be about. Still ashamed about the way he had treated Genma over the last few days, he desperately wanted to patch things up with him. He was glad that Genma had been the first to approach, for he wouldn't have had the courage to.
"Okay. Maybe tonight?" he suggested, nervously.
"Thanks. I appreciate it Naruto."
"Heads up guys. They're on their way." Kakashi informed them in his lazy drawl, his hands in his pockets.
Sure enough, the trio were on their way towards them. Naruto fixed his gaze firmly on the ground, toying with the reins in his hands.
"How was he when you lunged him this morning?" Sasuke's deep voice asked a few minutes later. That voice seemed to reverberate all around him, ringing in the very depths of his body and Naruto was reminded unpleasantly of Shikamaru's words before.
"I…he was a little restless, but he's settled down now." Naruto told him, forcing himself to breathe properly. At least his stuttering had lessened around him now. It had been extremely embarrassing and must have annoyed Sasuke to no end.
Sasuke nodded as he took the reins, pulling them over Taira's head before putting his left foot in the left stirrup and mounting smoothly.
Naruto had to try hard to not look at him for too long. As usual, he wore the black knee high riding boots, and this time navy riding pants and a black pull over, with a zipped, rib knit collar and red stripes on the cuffs. It was close fitting and extremely….well, it made him look hot, and Naruto fought hard against the inevitable blush that was threatening. The black hair was held back in its usual pony tail, and once more, he found himself wanting to see what it look like when it was freed from its constraints.
In comparison to Sasuke's sleek style and expensive clothes, Naruto felt extremely ordinary and scruffy. Today he'd just thrown on baggy old dark grey jeans and a blue and purple long sleeved shirt (also old and slightly faded.) In addition, he was wearing his usual sturdy brown work boots. Self conscious, he tugged at one of his sleeves and shifted his weight around, feeling out of place and uncomfortable.
"We'll be using indoor arena one." Sasuke told Kakashi as the other two followed his example and mounted their excited horses.
"I'll make sure no one uses it." Kakashi said with a nod.
"Good" Sasuke replied, before he looked down at Naruto and met his eyes. "You are free to go. Four hours, remember."
"Thank you," he managed.
They all stood and watched for a minute as the three rode off towards the designated arena talking quietly. Or rather, Ino talked and Neji and Sasuke listened in silence.
"Don't you two have something to do?" Kakashi asked, turning to Shikamaru and Genma.
"When don't we?" Shikamaru grumbled as he slunk off towards the storage shed.
"You going into town now?" Genma asked Kakashi.
"Ya. Anything you want?"
"Get some good coffee this time. Not that crap you bought last time."
"Iruka buys the groceries. I buy horse feed….But I'll tell him anyway."
"Good. The shopping list is…"
"Iruka already has it."
Genma grinned devilishly at him. "Now, behave yourself, you hear? I want you home before curfew and no later. No funny business now…" he droned, imitating a nagging mother.
Kakashi threw a half hearted punch at his arm, which Genma avoided easily as he laughed.
"Get going, before I find some more work for you to do."
Still laughing, Genma sauntered off.
The peculiar exchange was not lost on Naruto, but he decided not to comment on it as Kakashi looked at him, all traces of humour gone, being replaced by understanding and an odd gentleness which was rarely seen in the pale man.
"You ready to go?"
Naruto smiled half heartedly at him. "Yeah. I think so."
"I'll go get the truck. Grab a jacket and we'll get going."
Naruto shut the door of the Ute and pulled his leather jacket tighter around himself. Iruka leaned an arm on the open window and looked out at him.
"You'll be okay here alone for awhile? We shouldn't be too long…"
There was no mistaking the concern Iruka was feeling, and Naruto smiled at him with genuine warmth. They didn't agree on a lot of things, but he knew that Iruka loved him as if he was his own child, and Naruto hated making him worry.
"I'll be fine. I'll see you later."
Iruka nodded and Kakashi pulled away from the curb. He stood there and watched the white ute disappear down the road for a minute before turning to face the black wrought iron gates of the grave yard.
There was always an old woman who sold flowers just outside the gates, and Naruto walked over to her.
"The usual?" the wizened old woman asked with a smile.
"Yeah. Thanks obaa-san."
She handed him a dozen white lilies and he gave her the money, before heading up the long, winding gravel drive way. It was a nice grave yard, if there ever was such a thing. The lawns and roads were well tended, and there were big leafy oak trees growing here and there.
In a far, peaceful corner of the large grounds, near one of these trees, his parents were buried.
For awhile he just stood and stared down at the gravestones, no thinking of anything in particular.
Both plaques were attached to smooth blocks of dark grey marble, and they were identical in every way, except for the inscriptions. He liked the fact that they had been buried side by side. It seemed right somehow. At least now they were together, after twelve long years of separation.
He didn't bother to read the inscriptions engraved on the metal- he knew what they said off by heart any way.
When he looked upon his mother's grave, he felt that familiar twinge of unfairness. A mother he had never known, and who he had often desperately wanted to. His father had often told him stories of what she had been like, and the things they had done together. And even though his father had never really said much about it, he knew that he had loved his mother with all of his heart. He'd felt it, and he knew that his father had loved him just as much.
Eventually, he knelt down and placed the pure white lilies between their graves, and moved back a little to sit down. For some strange reason, he had always felt closer to them whenever he visited. As if the graves reminded him that they had both been real, and that he wasn't living in some sort of twisted and tormented nightmare.
It was strange. A few years ago, he'd wanted to join them. He'd tried to join them, several times. He still bore the scars, and he always would. And he still wanted to, sometimes. More often now, but he was hoping the phase would pass. He was praying that it would because he wanted to move on with his life, but he couldn't seem to. Naruto knew that the others cared, but if he let them know just how depressed he was at the moment, they'd probably suggest he got treatment for it, like drugs or counselling, and he didn't want to do that.
Naruto grasped his wrist lightly, as he watched dappled sunlight move over the plaques.
"Dad?" Naruto asked quietly.
Arashi was kneeling before the gravestone, brushing leaves from its smooth surface.
"Yeah?"
Naruto bit his lip. He was older now, almost twelve, and he knew his mother had died, but he still wanted to know everything about her. Usually, he kept his questions to himself, because whenever she was mentioned, he saw the pain and sadness in his father's eyes. They should always be filled with that laughter, and good humour as they usually were, Naruto thought, so he never asked.
On this particular day though, he'd never been able to keep his curiosity at bay.
"What is it Naruto?" Arashi asked gently, standing up now and facing his son.
"Do you still love mum?"
"I do. I've never stopped and I don't think I ever will."
Naruto looked down at the grass beneath his feet, biting his lip nervously. He jumped when his father slipped warm fingers beneath his chin and lifted his head.
"What's bothering you, Naru-chan?" Arashi asked again, using his old nickname that he had long since out grown, but still loved.
"Do you hate me for killing her?" he blurted before he could stop himself.
Arashi's eyes widened, and the next thing he knew, he was swept into a crushing hug.
"You didn't kill her, Naruto. I could never hate you. You're my son and I love you," his father whispered hoarsely. "I've told you before that she was sick for a long time before you were born."
"But I might've made her sicker. If I hadn't been born then maybe she would have lived longer."
"No! I knew she was going to die before I married her and so did she. But I married her anyway, because I loved her. She wanted you more than anything in this world, and she loved you. And so do I."
And Naruto had felt reassured and safe in his father's arms, because he knew that his father had spoken the truth.
Tears were threatening to fall now, and Naruto swiped at his eyes, not wanting to break down at this place.
They'd always been moving, he reflected. They'd lived in many places, but they'd always come back to visit her grave every year without fail.
It was his father who had taught him everything he knew. He'd given Naruto his passionate love of horses and reading, and the outdoors. Everyone who had known him had liked him, for his laughter was infectious, his smile always bright and he was always easy going and friendly.
Naruto had taken that away. His father had died saving his life, and he would never forgive himself; not ever.
"Now, Naruto. D'you remember when I told you what the most important things were when jumping a horse?" his father asked as they sat on the fence to watch the chestnut mare fly over the jump course in the arena.
"Yes."
"What are they?"
"Rhythm and balance." He chirped proudly.
Arashi chuckled and ruffled his hair.
"Good boy. When a horse and rider are balanced and the rhythm they are keeping is even, there isn't much that can go wrong. It's important to use power to clear the jumps, not speed. Are you getting all of this?"
"Power not speed," Naruto repeated, his eyes on the chestnut mare.
"Right. Now, this rider is not softening her hands before the horse takes off. Can you see that?"
Naruto nodded, watching as the mare cleared yet another jump and the rider brought her around to face the next.
"That means the horse can't stretch her head and neck forwards and she's not jumping as cleanly as she should."
Arashi waved to the rider, who slowed the mare down before halting.
"Now wait here while I go and talk to her, okay? No running off. Promise?"
Naruto grinned at his father. "I promise."
As his father walked away, Naruto thought with pride that his father knew absolutely everything about horses.
Now the tears really did fall. If it hadn't been for his father, he would never have gotten the job at the Uchiha estate, and he would still be stuck in that nightmarish group home. He owed his father everything.
A soft hand fell on his shoulder and he jumped, turning to see Iruka kneeling behind him. Smiling gently, the man wiped away the tears and drew Naruto into a warm embrace.
He buried his face in Iruka's warm shoulder and breathed deeply, fighting back his tears and forcing himself to calm down. Iruka's hand was stroking his hair gently, and Naruto revealed in the sensation of an adult holding him and feeling protected once more.
When he finally felt like he had himself under control again, Naruto drew away reluctantly, and Iruka brushed his bangs of his forehead tenderly.
"Kakashi will give you the rest of today off if you ask him."
He shook his head. "It's okay. I'd rather work."
Iruka studied him silently for a moment. "You can't ignore this forever, Naruto," he said eventually. "Kakashi tells me you're not talking as much as you used to. He says you're not sleeping well either."
"I know, Ruka. I just…I don't think I'm strong enough to at the moment."
"It's been six years. That's a long time to be in mourning, Naruto."
"I know. I just can't. Not right now."
Iruka sighed, before nodding. "Okay. You ready to go?"
"Yeah."
Naruto kept busy for the rest of the day, just as he'd said he would. He exercised horses, cleaned out stalls, helped to refill the food bins. He'd helped Raidou mend a broken stable, and Kakashi treat a sick horse.
At five thirty, he joined his friends as they collapsed on the bales of hay in the feed shed.
"Hey, Naruto," Kiba greeted him in his usual boisterous manner, earning a glare from Shikamaru. "Where'd you disappear off to today?"
"I'm sure whatever he was doing it had nothing to do with you Kiba," Tenten told him, sniffing.
"Hey, I'm taking an interest in my friends' life. What's wrong with that?"
"You mean you're prying into other people's business. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it" Sakura put in.
"Maybe you should ask him that before you start defending him," Shikamaru said lazily. The lazy teen was lying on his back with his arms folded behind his head.
They all turned to look at him, and Naruto felt slightly uneasy as all their attention was focused on him.
"I had business to do in town. Nothing important." He told them quickly, hating himself for lying.
He avoided looking at Shikamaru, because it was obvious he knew more than he let on. Shikamaru wasn't called a genius for nothing, and he had definitely noticed Naruto's one yearly disappearances.
"Hey, are you coming tonight?" Sakura asked, smoothly changing the topic.
"Coming where?"
"Didn't we tell you?" she frowned and he shook his head.
"Oh. Well, it's Raidou's birthday tomorrow, so Iruka and the others are throwing a birthday dinner thing for him tonight, and then we're all going into town for drinks. You going to come?"
Naruto was torn. He wanted to, because it was Raidou's birthday, and he was a good friend, but he didn't really feel up to it. If he drank tonight, he'd probably end up drunk and depressed and wake up with a hang over the next day. It probably wasn't the best idea, considering.
"I don't think so this time. I don't really feel up to it."
"But it's Raidou's birthday…"
"I know. I'll talk to him. I really don't think I can."
"Are you not feeling well? Maybe you should…" Tenten began.
"Stop pestering him, you lot," Shikamaru broke in for the second time. "He obviously doesn't want to go, so stop trying to force him to."
Surprised and touched by Shikamaru's uncharacteristic display of protectiveness, Naruto gave him a grateful smile, which was answered by a nod.
There was a moment of strained silence.
"Well, I'm sure he'll understand, Naruto. He won't mind," Tenten told him with a kind smile.
"I hope so."
"Hey, what happened with that Yamanaka chick today, Shika?" Kiba asked suddenly. "I heard her yelling at you earlier."
Naruto noted the sudden scowl that crossed Tenten's face at the mention of Ino's name. He'd watched the growing attraction between Shikamaru and Tenten for months now. Maybe Yamanaka Ino would be the one to finally bring them together a last. Or drive them apart. He hoped it would be the former and not the latter. It would definitely be interesting to see how things turned out.
"Ah. Her mare was acting up today when she rode her, and she thought I had done something to upset her this morning when I saddled her." Shikamaru told them with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"What did she say to you?" Sakura asked, her interest caught.
"Called him all sorts of names and told him he didn't know how to do his job properly," Kiba told them with a grin. "As if she could do half the things we can."
"A bit of a drama queen, isn't she?" Sakura said speculatively.
"Definitely, but a damn hot one," Kiba said, waggling his eyebrows comically.
Sakura hit his arm.
"A real handful," he continued, despite the assault. "But she's worth it I reckon. Bet she's wicked in bed though, eh Shika? Naruto?"
"Probably. Too troublesome for me though," Shika replied.
Naruto decided not to answer, and decided to just listen instead of participate this time.
"She was giving you the eye though for sure. I watched her when your back was turned." Kiba told Shikamaru.
Tenten was looking away now, but her glare had intensified. Naruto surreptitiously kept his eyes on her to watch her reaction. It was funny that someone as smart as Shikamaru had not to notice of the way Tenten acted around him. Oblivious was the word. Or maybe he was just too lazy to do anything about it.
"Maybe she has a thing for guys with earrings," Sakura suggested, flicking one of Shikamaru's little silver earrings and laughing when he swatted at her hand.
"She was giving Genma the eye too this afternoon." Sakura said thoughtfully.
"She's a slut. Anyone can see that." Tenten snapped, finally joining the conversation.
"True. It's hard to see someone like Sasuke-sama hanging out with her." Sakura agreed, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks. "But, Sasuke-sama, he's hot!"
Naruto tensed when she said that, but forced himself not to show any outward signs of his distress and pretended not to notice Shikamaru's glance.
"Is he ever!" Tenten sighed dreamily.
She'd obviously changed tactics now, and was trying to make Shikamaru jealous. Shikamaru, however, either pretended not to care or he actually didn't notice what she was trying to do. Knowing him, it could have been either one.
All the subtle games between them made Naruto's head spin. It was all way to complicated for his liking, and he vowed not to involve himself- it would only cause trouble anyhow.
"And Hyuuga-sama as well! That hair!" Tenten continued.
"Nah, I like Sasuke-sama. His eyes are just so intense! Like they're burning!"
Kiba looked sickened and he snorted. "You should hear yourselves. It's quite disgusting, you know."
"Shut up Kiba!" Both girls said in unison.
"Did someone take care of Taira when they finished?" Naruto broke in, hoping to forestall another argument.
Kiba frowned now. "I think Raidou did. But Sasuke came back to the stables about an hour or so ago, and took one of his father's horses out."
"Really? Why?"
"Ever tried to question on of the Uchiha?" Kiba asked blandly, raising an eyebrow. "You'd get more conversation out of a rock."
Naruto shifted uneasily, not sure if it was a good idea to insult one of the Uchiha family.
"He's not come back yet." Shikamaru said as he glared at Kiba.
In the background he could hear Tenten and Sakura still swooning over Sasuke and Neji.
"Oh," he frowned. "Well, I'd better go and talk to Raidou. I'll talk to you later."
Naruto quickly left the group and went in search of Raidou. If luck was on his side, he'd get a little privacy tonight, which was just what he needed.
As he entered one of the stable buildings, a gust of could wind swept across the stable yard and howled mournfully through the buildings. Naruto shivered.
1) The lunging whip I mentioned is not like the normal riding whips you see riders using. They are longer, usually five feet long, and they are used to help direct the horse from a distance whilst they circle. They are not used to actually whip the horse; instead, they are flicked against the ground, or used to make a sound which helps to encourage the horse to move. Voice commands are also important when lunging. If a horse needs further encouragement, then it is okay to lightly flick him with the end of the whip. When actually lunging, the horse, the rider, the lunge line and the whip are supposed to form a sort of triangle, with the person as the point of the triangle. Lunging helps to improve fitness and muscle strength. Sorry for the long winded and boring explanations! Thought it might help you visualize what I was talking about!
So you can all see I'm trying to lengthen the chapter lengths, just for your benefit. Be grateful, damn it! LOVE ME!
(ahem)
Anyways, this is a rewrite of the original seventh chapter. In actual fact, they're nothing alike. I'd written out chapters 7-11 but hit a dead end, so I had to get rid of them all and start all over again. I hope it was worth the effort guys!
This took me AGES to type up. Almost THREE HOURS non-stop!
Gah….I'm gonna go collapse in a heap….No wait, I can't because I have to go to the gym……
(wails) WHY ME!
But back to the story, I have the next chapter all written out and ready to type up, and the more reviews I get the quicker it gets posted! (Blackmail, I know. But can you blame me really? I'm a review whore!)
I got somewhere to be, so I hope you enjoyed it and please review!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapters. I know I didn't get around to replying to all of you, and I apologize! I'm rather busy at the moment, what with being unemployed and all…..
Ja Ne!