"Hey Baby."
"No."
"Say it."
"No."
"Come on….." the elder man whined, "Say itttt." He said stretching out the word and pouting when he was done.
"Never." The white haired Taicho said coldly.
"Maybe we should hear what captain Hitsugaya has to say about this first, shun." The other white haired man said, shooting his best friend a polite reprimanding glance.
"But, why can't he just say 'hey baby', it works like a charm on the ladies, especially if you whisper it in their ears." The dignified eighth squad captain pitched, with a lecherous wink at the youngest captain.
For his part, Kuchiki Taicho scowled at the elder captain, "This is a waste of time." He said crossly.
"Is Kuchiki-hime late for a hair appointment?" came the raspy comment of the eleventh squad captain. Said man, promptly gave a raucous cry of laughter, amused by his own witty humor.
Needless to say, the Kuchiki prince wasn't nearly as amused. "Kenpachi….." He started in a murderous tenor, but was quickly interrupted by a gentle tone.
"Please, let us not forget why we're all here." Was the pensive remark, by the angelic captain of the thirteenth division.
"Yes, let's focus." The lieutenant of the ninth division beamed. After all, Hisagi did view himself as a bona-fide lady killer, with a lot to offer in this department.
"I do not require your assistance." Hitsugaya said coldly sweeping his eyes across the room, making sure that each of the men know full well that he is talking to them.
"But, Hitsugaya Taicho, this meeting came as an order form So-Taicho." The 6th squad lieutenant argued.
Hitsugaya just glared at him, and the temperature in the room dropped incrementally.
A meeting where, some of the higher ranked Shinigami share their expertise in the matters of the heart with him. Can his life get any more ridiculous?
"Come on," Kyoraku said encouragingly. "There are a lot of things that you can benefit from the six of us." He said proudly. "Especially me." He added matter of factly. "Now, if you want to get a lady to like you, you must remember a few things….." He announced and a Zaraki rolled his eyes, while Renji mouthed 'here we go' to Hisagi, who chuckled softly.
"Women, are like flowers, they are delicate and soft, their beauty is unmatched. But for you to get to that beauty, you need to be smooth. You need to woe them with your charms and make sure they are awed by your ….."
"Oh come on!" Zaraki interrupted his rugged voice a stark contrast to the smooth tenor of the soft spoken eighth division captain. "Women, are not soft they just pretend to be soft." He declared. "You don't need to be smooth… Hell no!" He continued, focusing his eyes on the thoroughly uninterested tenth squad captain, "You need to be rough. You have to fight."
"Fight with whom exactly?" Byakuya questioned, barely able to restrain himself from rolling his eyes at the other man's words.
"Fight the women of course. If you really want to make a woman like you, you need to see through that charade she puts on. She wants you to believe that she's soft, but she's not. Those sneaky little things need to be treated roughly, just like any fight you've been in. You need to be in it to win." Zaraki said insightfully.
"So you are suggesting that I attempt to freeze her to death?" Hitsugaya questioned.
"If it comes down to it." Zaraki declared, causing Kyoraku to scowl. "You just need to go up to her and say; 'hey woman, you're mine' end of story." Zaraki finished victoriously.
Kyoraku opened his mouth to counter but was interrupted by a thoroughly enthused Renji.
"I agree with Zaraki-Taicho, the best approach is to be direct. Just grab her by the shoulders and kiss her senseless." He said rubbing his hands together in pure malice.
"And then you can stand sexual harassment trials in front of central 46." Byakuya said mockingly. "You are as subtle as the man sitting next to you." Byakuya told his lieutenant who happened to be sitting next to the 11th division captain. At that Zaraki smirked and threw a companionable arm over Renji's shoulder.
Byakuya scoffed.
"Then how do you get women, Kuchiki-Taicho?" Hitsugaya questioned. Out of all the men around, he felt closest to Byakuya. This could be mostly attributed to the fact that; like him, the raven viewed everyone in Seireitei as pesky annoyances who existed for the mere purpose of occupying space which would otherwise be left pleasantly vacant.
"I do nothing." Byakuya said in pure simplicity.
All around the room the men gave a united, "Hah?"
"You heard me." Byakuya elaborated in an impassive tone. "The best strategy is to ignore them. And they will come running after you."
"Ignore them." Hitsugaya repeated. That's definitely something he could do. He ignores people all the time. Hell, ignoring was his favorite pastime.
"Well, it seems to work for him." Kyoraku surmised. "He's got like half the women in Seireitei dying for him to glance their way." *Lucky bastard only had to glare at a woman for her to instantaneously lose her panties.*
"However," Ukitaki stepped in. "This is not the correct way to form a bond with someone." He said wisely. "If you truly like this woman, Hitsugaya Taicho, then you must not ignore her."
"I agree with Ukitake Taicho." Hisagi concurred. "For me, what works is SWAGG." He declared haughtily.
"What?" Renji, Kyoraku and Zaraki questioned, while Ukitake Taicho narrowed his eyes slightly, and Byakuya and Hitsugaya merely looked impassively back at the man.
"Swagg, you know." He said popping the collar of his shirt up. "Swagg."
"R-Ri-gh-t."
"Oh come on, Swagg is like the perfect mix of being smooth and mysterious. I give'em a sense of danger, like they can't predict what'll happen when they're with me. Women love that." He said with a sly smile.
A few scoffing noises followed that.
And just like that the entire room was buzzing with chatter. Even Kuchiki Taicho busied himself with arguing with Zaraki about just how stupid he found his strategy.
For his part Hitsugaya just sat back and mentally cursed the shrink that got him into all of this. He then proceeded to curse his lieutenant to high heavens, for opening her big mouth and getting him into this.
The young captain was suddenly snapped out of his mental reverie when the door was slammed open revealing the slightly unsettling form of the twelfth division captain.
"Why was I not invited to this?" He hissed scanning the room.
"We just didn't think a discussion like this would be your cup of tea, Kurotsuchi Taicho." Kyoraku said sliding his straw hat down to cover his face. The man was asexual for cryin out loud, why would they invite him to a conversation about women.
Mayuri eyed them all venomously, before his eyes focused on the young captain, seemingly bored senseless amidst all this.
"I find that conducting constant experiments on them for a few months makes them more willing to do whatever I say." He said helpfully. "You should torture that woman of yours into submission. You should pull out her nails." He said calmly before turning on his heal and walking away.
For a second the entire room was silent, as everyone blinked confusedly at the place where the mad scientist just stood.
But much to Hitsugaya's grief another wave of chatter soon took the room by storm.
"Just say, 'Hey Baby'." Kyoraku chanted.
"Grab her and kiss her." Renji pitched.
"Ignore her." Byakuya commented.
"Smack her on the head with a brick." Zaraki said. "Establish your dominance."
"Swagg, Hitsugaya Taicho…. You should wear lots of black." Hisagi said helpfully.
"Hey, Baby… Say it…. Say 'hey baby'….. 'hey baby'."
While Ukitake was merely busing himself with trying to get everyone to settle down and talk calmly, his task was cut out for him, given that Byakuya and Zaraki appeared to be seconds away from tearing each other into smithereens.
And just like that, the young captain stood up and walked away, completely unnoticed by the arguing men.
Deep inside the 12th division, sitting behind a few monitors, Rose sighed.
"Well, that wasn't helpful." She said darkly.
"Oh, come on, they gave him some precious advice." Matsumoto cooed. "And look at that, here's his lady-love coming his way."
"W-WHAT!" The psychiatrist roared, she's the one he loves, she asked eyes going as wide as saucers. "Noooo!" She screamed, at Hitsugaya in the monitor, mentally begging him to walk away.
However, poor little Taicho was so taken aback at seeing her, that his mind literally drew a blank and promptly defaulted to the last thing he heard.
"Good morning, Hitsugaya Taicho." She said in a formal tone.
"H-H…." He stumbled for words. "Hey baby." He said and even he was shocked at his own words.
Brown eyes narrowed, and deceptively small hands found their way to the hilt of a murderous Zanpakuto.
"What did you just say to me?" She growled, her infamous temper faring.
"I- I….."
"Sting Suzumebachi." Was the battle cry.
What followed was one of the most bizarre fights to ever take place in Seireitei.
"I'm screwed." Rose concluded.
Let me know what you think ;) and whose life you'd like to mess with next.
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