Disclaimer: I own nothing and claim no profits from this fanfiction. All characters belong to their rightful owner.
Warnings: Yaoi, swearing, angst and subjects which could offend some readers.
AU: italics are dreams!
Chapter 15: Torn
"Now Naruto," Arashi crouched down to eye level in front Naruto, who was dressed in pyjamas and ready for bed. "I want you to go to bed when the baby sitter tells you to. No misbehaving, and no games. Understood?"
Naruto smiled cheekily. "But why papa? I'm not tired."
Arashi frowned. "Because I said so. I don't want you being naughty like you were for the last baby sitter we had."
He pouted. "But she was mean. She wasn't any fun."
"She wasn't mean. You only said that so she'd get in trouble."
"No I didn't. Why do you have to go?" Naruto asked as he launched himself into his fathers arms. "I want you to stay. I don't like that lady."
Arashi sighed into his hair and hugged him back.
"Because we're dating, Naru-chan. That's what adults do when they're interested in each other."
"But I don't want a new mommy. I love my mommy."
"I know you do. I do too, but we have to move on, Naruto, and we have to settle down somewhere. We can't keep on the way we have been."
"But I like..."
"That's enough for now Naruto. We'll talk more about this in the morning..."
Naruto woke with a jolt, his breath sobbing in his throat and his eyes stinging. Exhaustion still tugged at his tired mind, seducing him back towards sleep. He didn't want to linger with the memories while he was awake. It was easier to stay asleep and just remember. So he lay back down and hugged the blankets to himself, and gave into sleep once more.
This time, he dreamt of another type of nightmare, just as painful and twice as cruel.
A strong hand gripped his throat and slammed him back against the wall, knocking the breath from his body. He struggled blindly, but other hands descended upon him and held him still.
"Did you honestly think you could avoid us forever, Na-ru-to?" a laughing voice asked.
Naruto couldn't answer as the hand around his throat tightened and he struggled for air as he fought back the tears. He couldn't see their faces, but he didn't want to; he already knew who they were.
"Poor little Naru-chan is wondering why this is happening to him," the voice hissed in his ear.
Fear had grasped his body, immobilizing him, and although he had stopped fighting them physically, he fought to block out their vicious lies, the poison that dripped from their lips. But the hand left his throat and grabbed his jaw, forcing him to look into the shadowed faces of his tormentors. He gasped, taking in precious oxygen and it burned down his bruised throat.
"It's because no one loves you. No one will ever love you again. You're just as bad as the rest of us, no better. So you can step down off your pedestal and join the ranks. Whaddaya say? No more beatings no more embarrassments."
"No..." he gasped out.
It wasn't true...
It couldn't be…
"That's too bad, Naru-chan..."
The hands released him, and as fists and boots slammed into his body the only words that registered through the haze of pain made him face a harsh reality.
No one will ever love me again.
There is no escaping...
Naruto woke up again, feeling the touch of an old, remember fear and shivering. For a moment he just lay there, forcing himself not to over react and panic. For once he didn't feel the fear threatening the fragile balance that he was only just finding; instead, the pain was a dull, stabbing ache just below where his heart lay.
Naruto sighed and rolled over. There was really no point in trying to get back to sleep, so he sat up and swung his legs out of the bed. His room was cold and condensation had clouded the window. The dull red glow of his alarm clock told him that it was 4:23 am and he wrapped a blanket around himself as he got up and turned his little heater on.
A picture frame on his dresser caught his attention and he picked it up, smiling as he remembered the day it had been taken.
He must've been about ten. His father was holding the lead rope of a large bay horse, and Naruto was sitting aside the horses bare back, grinning widely at the camera with his hands entwined in the mane. His fathers arm was draped over the horses neck, and he wore a plain white singlet and old faded jeans. He was looking at the camera with his head tilted slightly to the side, with his hair falling in his eyes and a grin to match Naruto's.
Naruto was built nothing like his father. He'd always been slightly smaller than average, and slim, with wiry muscles that had little bulk. He wasn't particularly broad shouldered either, or long legged. In fact, he was built rather like an acrobat. Uzamaki Arashi, on the other hand was tall, broad shouldered and built, with good looks to boot. When Naruto had been young, he'd loved to watch his father flex his muscles, laughing as he poked at them, and he'd loved it when his father had picked him up and swung him through the air wildly, lightly enough to feel like he was flying but firm enough to never drop him.
Other then their very obvious differences in build, they shared the same wheat blond hair, dazzling blue eyes and the same complexion that turned a lovely golden brown when exposed to the sun. Naruto had his smile. He could see it whenever he smiled at himself in the mirror and it always hurt to see himself and that smile. It was almost as if he had stolen that smile from it's original owner.
Sighing slightly, he set the photo back in it's place gently reverently. Every photo, every momentum left of his father was a bitter sweet reminder. At times he wished that his he could let his father go. Sometimes it felt as if his fathers ghost still haunted him, and he wished he felt differently. He needed some relief from the memories that haunted him.
"What would you do in my place, dad?" he asked the silence.
But he knew the answer to that already.
'Naruto,' he'd say, 'Whenever the possibility of love comes along, you must grab at it. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Great men have been made humble by the power of love, kingdoms destroyed and built for love. To love and be loved is the most greatest gift of all. One day, when you're older, you must grab at love with both your hands and never let it go. That's how it was with your mother and I and that's how it will be for you.'
Those words were amongst the memories he remembered most clearly about his father and although he had never once forgotten, it had often been hard to believe in them. When he'd been lost in the darkest places of his mind, wounded and in desperate need of some kind of refuge, he had doubted those words. The arrival of Sasuke had thrown the issue into conflict once more, and he no longer knew what to believe. He almost couldn't bring himself to hope that something might come of the strange situation with Sasuke.
Naruto knew that if he were to get through the day with any sort of normalcy, then he needed to pull himself from the desperate sadness that had gripped him in the wake of his dreams. He began to try and focus on what he must do for the day as he pulled on a pair of tough cargo pants, a plain long sleeved shirt, a sweater and a warm zip up jacket . Out in the corridor the air was frigid and he was suddenly glad of his warm clothes.
It was too early to start work, so he quietly made himself a cup of hot coffee and a piece of toast in the small kitchenette and ate it as he looked out the window. The horizon was lightening, promising a beautiful sunrise. There were clouds hanging in the sky, but patches of clear night sky were still visible. Naruto set his cup down and turned, leaning against the sink as his eyes wandered over the darkened sitting room. When everyone was there, and the air was filled with laughter and conversation, the place was warm and inviting, the closest thing to home that he had ever had. But when the lights were out and everyone was in bed and all was quiet, the room was transformed into another world. Shadows draped the room, and the quiet reigned supreme.
Naruto's eyes rested on the couch. It wasn't so long ago that Sasuke had lain there, unconscious and vulnerable. That had been when he'd first suspected, but then he had never actually thought that it would get to the point where Sasuke would begin to...seduce him. Where he would feel those full lips possessing his own, and he would be lost in the intoxicating taste that was Sasuke.
Quickly turning his thoughts from that subject as a hot flush rushed to his face, Naruto decided to go for a walk.
It was even colder outside then it had been in his room but he took no notice of it as he made his way out towards the rolling fields and forests. The grass was wet, and he had to shove his hands deep in his pockets to keep them warm but being out in the fresh air was revitalising. The air, despite its chill was fresh and as the sun slowly began to emerge on the horizon, he looked up at the beautiful sky as the light hit the clouds and ignited them with fiery gold.
The new day dawned and as he walked, he could feel the dregs of his sorrow retreat to an inner place to be dwelt upon later. It was difficult to be so conflicted when he was surround by such breath taking beauty. Everything was simplified when it came to nature. Everything had its cycle, and its place in the world. And it was the same with his. Sorrow and peace, fear and security ran their courses, came and went and there was nothing he could do but go along to wherever it was that his emotions and his heart lead him. That was the way of life, and there was little he could do to change it.
The only other thing on his mind apart from the beautiful dawn, was Sasuke and his perplexing beauty. And the way his lips had felt when they had first touched his own. It was such a perfect dream those lips had woven for him, and one which he craved with everything in his heart. Most of all though, he just wanted Sasuke, in all his silence and mystery.
The sun had fully risen by the time Naruto returned to the quarters, and he was surprised to see Genma sitting at the table bare-chested and staring unblinkingly into a cup of coffee.
"Genma? What are you doing up?" he asked in a hushed voice as he closed the door quietly.
Long, chestnut hair fell back from Genma's face as he looked up at him and frowned slightly.
"Up already kitten?" he asked, without a trace of his normal good humour. Instead he looked unusually solemn and a little melancholy. Naruto smiled and sat next to him.
"I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk."
"Me neither. I can't stop thinking," Genma said with a humourless laugh. "I never was good at sorting things out."
Naruto touched his arm hesitantly, unsure if his company would be welcomed. "Anything I can help with?"
Genma sighed and covered Naruto's hand with his own as the swirled the contents of his cup with the other and refused to look at him.
"I don't think so kitten. Not this time, anyhow."
"Well," Naruto began. "Maybe it would help if you talked about it."
For a minute it seemed as if Genma would refuse but he squeezed Naruto's fingers gently and set his cup down.
"I got a phone call last night. One of my oldest friends back home is very sick. The doctors don't think he'll pull through this time," Genma said as he rubbed his forehead with his free hand. "He was always sick when we were kids."
A rush of sadness and sympathy for Genma gripped Naruto and he rested his head against Genma's shoulder and wrapped his arms around him.
"I'm sorry."
"Ah," Genma hugged him back with a sad smile. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it kitten."
"Of course I will if you're like this," Naruto replied quietly. "What are you going to do?"
Genma rested his head against Naruto's and rubbed his hand over his back absentmindedly.
"Kashi's given me time off to go and visit him in hospital."
"Will you be all right by yourself? Do you want..."
"I'll be okay, kitten. You need to stay and get on with things here. Don't worry, I'll be fine."
It seemed almost as if Genma was trying to reassure himself rather than Naruto, but he didn't comment and let Genma hold him. He could feel the slight trembling of Genma's hands as they touched him and another wave of sorrow rolled through him for Genma.
"Tell me about him," he murmured eventually. "What is his name?"
"His name is Hayate, and he lived on a neighbouring farm to ours..."
Genma packed a bag and left that afternoon looking tired and pale. Naruto gave him a lingering hug goodbye, hoping to convey courage and strength to his suffering friend. Sakura, Tenten and Kiba stood with him and watched Kakashi drive away down the road that would take them off the property. Sakura wrapped her arms around him companionably.
"Don't worry about him Naruto," she said in his ear, trying to reassure him. "He'll be back in a week, and everything will be back to normal."
Naruto would have liked to disagree with her, and to point out that nothing in life turned out quite as neatly as she imagine it would, but he didn't have the heart. After all, life wasn't the same as it was in the stories. Heroes didn't always manage to rescue the heroine from the clutches of evil, brothers in arms didn't always survive through thick and thin, and nobody ever lived happily ever after. Life wasn't meant to be easy, or pretty and neat. And when death touched someone's life, it left the person changed. As if a little piece of themselves has been stolen away, lost forever amongst the chaos that life brought.
"Besides," Tenten continued, "Genma's strong. He can deal with this."
Naruto wasn't so sure. Everyone had to break down at some point, and Genma was no exception to that. Although he loved his friends dearly, he couldn't help but think that they couldn't possibly know what it was like to lose a dear one. At Christmas time, they all went home to their families, to their loved ones. Only Naruto and a few of the others stayed behind, because they had no one to return to. Iruka and Kakashi always stayed, because neither of them had any family except for each other. Raidou stayed because he had cut all ties to his dysfunctional family a long time ago, and had never looked back and felt regret.
The facts were there though. Perhaps Naruto was more anxious than the others because he had experienced the same sort of thing. The loss of a loved one was never easy.
"Come on. Lets get back to work," Kiba said after a few moments. "Can you imagine what Kashi would say if he came back and the stables weren't cleaned out?"
They all went their separate ways, each left alone with their thoughts, and Naruto was determined not to let the sudden change in atmosphere get him down. It was all too easy to get dragged down by self doubt and fear, and for once he was determined not to let himself fall the way he had in the past.
With Ani injured and resting, Naruto's work centred mainly around Taira. Kakashi had assigned him five stables to be cleaned and their respective owners to be exercised. It wasn't long before he lost himself in the pure physicality of the work, successfully managing to put Genma's problem from his mind at least for a little while. He worked hard and thoroughly, shovelling manure into the wheel barrow, bucketing the water out of the small stable troughs, scrubbing them out and refilling them with clean water. He put fresh straw in each stall until a thick layer of bedding covered the floor of each.
By the time he had finished cleaning, and had exercised the horses and put them out in the fields, he was sweaty and dirty. Instead of taking a break ( it was almost lunch time after all) Naruto located the broom and began to sweep the aisle and put away all the equipment he had used. It was only after the area was as spotless as a stable area could be did he turn his attention to Taira. The dark horse had been especially well behaved lately, and Naruto thought he deserved some extra special attention.
Taira's dark coat was gleaming and satiny smooth once he'd finished grooming him; his hooves glistened with hoof oil, his mane and tail were neatly trimmed and Naruto had never seen a horse looking so beautiful before. He'd just settled the saddle in place and was struggling to pull the cinch up one more hole with Taira pinning his ears back and stamping unhappily, when the warm length of a body pressed against his back and strong, graceful hands grasped the strap above his own and helped to pull the strap up high enough until he could buckle it properly.
He flushed with exertion and something he couldn't quite identify as their hands fell away simultaneously. The warm body didn't move away from his; instead, warm hands came to rest on his upper arms.
"Thanks," he whispered.
"You looked like you could use the help," Sasuke murmured, his mouth close to Naruto's ear.
He shivered as warm, sweet breath fanned gently over his neck and heat curled down to his belly. Unsure what to do next, he didn't move, but Sasuke obviously had something in mind, for he turned Naruto around.
Sasuke was smiling at him and it was such a beautiful thing to see. Those dark eyes were warm, and the dazzling smile captured him like a moth to flame. There was a small dimple in his left cheek, Naruto realized, as he smiled hesitantly back. He felt overly warm, and slightly light headed so he jumped when strong hands gripped his hips and pulled him closer. Hie heart was speeding rapidly and he could hardly breathe as he looked up at Sasuke.
It was an odd combination of fear of the unknown and craving the feel of those lips once more that had him thrown into such delicious confusion. While his head wasn't sure what he wanted any more, his heart and his body knew instinctively, and whenever Sasuke was near, it was like any self control he had flew out the window and left his body in control.
"What are you doing?" he asked shakily.
Sasuke smirked down at him in a predatory way.
"Practising," he whispered as he lowered his head.
Naruto's breath hitched as Sasuke's lips hovered over his for an agonisingly long moment before they covered his own, caressing ever so gently as if sensing Naruto's vulnerability and his need to be reassured. He was dimly aware of one of the hands on his hips sliding around and pressing against his lower back, urging him closer until he was pressed flush against Sasuke.
He tensed at the sudden wet warmth as Sasuke's tongue laved slowly over his lips, and he gasped instantly granting him access.
Sasuke used his sensual kisses and his sure and steady touches on his back to relax him, and before he knew it, he was responding openly to him. Sasuke approval was almost palpable and he began to slowly tease Naruto with small flicks of his tongue and gentle nips with his teeth, urging him to explore of his own will. At first he did so uncertainly, but then with building confidence as Sasuke obviously responded.
Sasuke nipped at his lips when they eventually pulled apart
He was breathless, and feeling overwhelmed and stunned as Sasuke's lips took a different direction and began to travel slowly along his jaw to his neck.
He shuddered as the Uchiha sucked gently on his neck and he fisted his hands in the soft and probably expensive material of Sasuke's jacket. Trying and obviously failing to string a coherent thought together he gasped.
"S-sasuke..."
It came out as a breathy moan more than anything, and before he could try again teeth bit into his neck. He gave up after that and just lost himself in the feel of having Sasuke so close, of the pure sensation of human touch on his body. Sasuke's attentions made him feel like he was the most valuable person on the planet and it wasn't anything he ever wanted to give up.
After what seemed like sweet eternity, Sasuke ceased his irresistible torment and looked down at him with a slight quirking of his lips as his eyes burned down into Naruto's half closed ones.
"Mmmm." A pale thumb rubbed thoughtfully at his lower lip. "I'd say you passed the first test with flying colours, Naruto."
Naruto struggled to focus on the face looking down at him.
"Why...why are you doing this?"
He wasn't sure if he really wanted the answer.
"Why?" Sasuke repeated thoughtfully.
Naruto nodded and held his breath as he waited. It was as if he were dangling on the edge of a precipice and his heart was in his throat; he'd put everything on the line, his hopes and desires, and he was about to find out if he would sink or stay afloat.
"Because I want to. And because you're beautiful." Sasuke replied. "I intend to make you believe me."
"I don't understand."
Sasuke was truly an enigma. There was no possible way of gaining any gleam of his intentions from that cryptic reply. No way of reading into the words to tell if Sasuke was really as interested in him as Naruto wanted him to be, or if he only saw Naruto as a game, as another conquest. And it was the uncertainty that was killing him.
"You will," Sasuke gave him another half smile and kissed his temple lingeringly. "I'll finish off here. It's about time for your lunch isn't it? You go and get something to eat. I'll see you later."
Sasuke stepped back from him and turned to reach for the bridle. Naruto stood there for a moment, his head almost swimming and he half-stumbled away out the door. Once he was out of Sasuke's sight, he fled to the cool darkness of the tack room and collapsed on an overturned bucket before burying his face in his hands and realizing that he was shaking.
It was difficult to believe what was happening to him. The most beautiful Uchiha, who seemed angelic and demonic all at once, was interested in him? In the damaged and introverted Naruto? Doubts plagued his mind, and a part of him was screaming at him to get out and to get away, that it was all a trap. That it was an elaborate network of lies concocted so Sasuke could carry it away to amuse his circle of friends with. An innocent and naive virgin who had fallen prey to a beautiful face and artificial charms. Despite what he wanted to believe it could have been possible. There was no way of finding out except for waiting.
His heart was telling him that this wasn't the case though; that Sasuke truly wasn't like that. That he wasn't that cruel or that petty. He was different from anybody or anything he'd ever known, but that didn't mean he wasn't to be trusted. His mind, on the other hand was telling him otherwise. There was a battle going on between Naruto's heart and mind, and he wasn't sure which was winning.
He fisted his hands in his hair and forced himself to breathe deeply and calm down. It felt as if his head was about to explode because of all the doubts and questions and furious thoughts raging in his mind.
And Sasuke...those lips felt so perfect on his, like his kiss was the only thing feeding him life. When Sasuke had touched him, had held him like that, Naruto had been almost dizzy with pleasure, and the colours that Sasuke had stirred within him were so exotic and brilliantly magnificent that everything else seemed dull and lifeless in comparison.
It was pure emotion, stronger than anything he had ever felt. And although he didn't know if it was just desire or if it was love, it made no difference. It was real and it was strong and he felt like he could finally move on the strength it leant him never left.
He did know one thing for sure though. This was his only chance. His only chance at love or something close to it. If this didn't work out then Naruto knew that he wouldn't ever be able to devote himself to anyone else ever again. He wouldn't have the strength.
So, the big question was, would he go with what was happening, or would he walk away?
"Hey Naruto, you in there?" Kiba's voice called. "Raidou wants us to go out and fix that fence!"
With a sigh, Naruto rubbed his face and stood up.
"Sure. I'll be right out."
He was tired of being lonely, and he was tired of feeling so small and shadowed by his past. It was time to do something about it.
Please don't kill me! offers chocolate
I know, I know, this update was long overdue I know, but….you see, the thing is…..
Huffs Oh never mind! There really is no excuse is there?
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed it! Any feedback is appreciated!