I open my eyes. It's too bright. I still can't move. I can feel, but I can't move. He doesn't leave, though. He hasn't left. They've told him to leave but he wont. Today they're going to start me eating again. Soft foods. Gruel is more like it. He should know by now that I hate eating. I prefer a strong cup of coffee. I only eat when he forces me. Well, I guess now he's forcing me. I'm being forced to do everything. I'm usually the one doing the forcing. I'm the one who gives the orders, not them. Now no one's listening to me. I don't have a voice. Well, not a strong one. This morning I said a word. Well, a third of a word… that's being generous even. I said "cha". I mean to say "Chakotay get the hell out of here. I don't want you to see me like this", but the rest of it didn't come. My throat hurts too much. Damn it.
"Good morning, Captain!" The Doctor's tone is saccharine. "Now that you've gotten some rest we're going to start working your muscles and see if we can get you speaking again. But first we need to see if you can swallow."
The Doctor adjusts the bed, bringing the head into a semi vertical position. Suddenly I feel a minor discomfort in my groin. I cringe inwardly, a catheter.
"Mess hall to Doctor" Neelix's cheery voice fills the room.
The Doctor taps his commbadge, "Doctor here."
"How is the Captain this morning? The crew has been asking about her!"
"Very well, Mr. Neelix. Assure the crew that the Captain is doing just fine and will be up and running in no time!" The doctor smiles, adding a cheerier note to his voice.
"Oh that's just wonderful! Everyone will be so pleased! Neelix out."
Before Neelix can finish his sentence, "Engineering to Doctor"
"Go ahead B'Elanna."
"Ensign Murphy was changing the plasma relay when the station short circuited. He has first-degree burns on his hands. Would you mind coming down here and sorting him out?"
"Of course. Give me five minutes and I'll be right down."
The Doctor looks up at Chakotay, "Commander, I have to go. I need you to help the Captain with breakfast."
He looks over at me, "I know this is frustrating, Captain, but we need to see if you can eat so that we don't have to put in a feeding tube. Please do the best you can. Call me if there are any difficulties. Healing first-degree burns won't take long"
He nods, picks up a med kit and leaves, the poly alloy doors hissing shut, announcing his departure.
I look back at Chakotay. He reaches for the oatmeal. The gruel. He looks hesitant. He knows how uncomfortable I am. I know how uncomfortable he is. The silence between us is as palpable as the awkwardness.
"I know, Kathryn," he begins, "I know. But please try. Open your mouth and we'll see how this goes."
He attempts a smile. Those dimples come out of hiding. I close my eyes tightly. Maybe I can just will this all away. Maybe –
"Please, Kathryn," he pleads holding a spoonful of gruel.
I open my mouth and he places it on the center of my tongue. The sensation is strange to me. I mentally have to walk myself through the process of swallowing. What was once automatic now requires a whole new level of effort and thought. I close my eyes again, going through the steps. Tentatively I chew and then the bolus moves towards the back of my throat. I feel the epiglottis close over my trachea and I feel the warm mass move slowly into my oesophagus. Victory. I open my eyes and manage a small crooked smile. He smiles back, dimples on full display. We do it again. There's a bit of a learning curve but by the time the Doctor returns I've finished half the bowl. I feel satisfied with myself. No more tubes. Now if I could only see about getting the catheter removed.
The Doctor replaces his med kit and returns to my bedside. He looks at the contents of the bowl, and smiles.
"She finished half the bowl, Doctor" Chakotay gleams.
"This is wonderful news, Commander, Captain. You're recovering rather well. However, this is only the beginning of your recovery. Next we need to work on movement and speech. Because the virus thankfully did not attack any of your cranial nerves, it's unlikely that you should have any problems speaking. However, any trouble you are experiencing now is just a result of your being intubated. Can you try and speak for us?"
Because of last night, I've been afraid to speak. The Doctor is right; this should be easy, "th-thank-k yo-u" I manage in Chakotay's direction, my voice heavy and scratchy. I cough, letting up some of the secretions in my throat. There, that wasn't so bad. The third time's the charm, "Thank you, Chakotay. Doctor, when do you think I'll be able to walk? Also," I shyly turn my eyes down, "when will I be able to get this catheter out?"
Chakotay clears his throat, "Doctor, Kathyrn would you like me to leave?"
"Y-" I begin.
"No. The Doctor firmly interjects. Captain, I know I'm repeating myself when I say that I know that this is difficult and takes some getting used to. But you have to remember that this is temporary. You'll only be incapacitated until your peripheral nerves –"
"Start to regenerate" I interrupt exasperatedly. "Yes, I know. Doctor, but-"
"No 'buts', Captain!" The Doctor had planned for this. He had planned for a fight and he was prepared to win. " Until that point you are going to need all the help you can get and Chakotay is able to provide that help. You are friends, colleagues, and have a good rapport. Additionally, without Kes, we also don't have the functional equivalent of a nurse or physical therapist. You are just going to have to depend on the Commander. I am confident that he is more than adequate. He already knows how to put up with you and your bad temper, and he's not intimidated by those sneering looks or harsh tones you use to frighten us lowly mortals!"
I stare at him, wide-eyed. Even Chakotay's mouth hangs open at the Doctor's brazenness. Apparently, though, the hologram is on a roll, "And in case you didn't already know this, Captain, but you aren't the only one on this ship who can give orders! So, in case I haven't made it abundantly clear: you are going to cooperate with me and the commander and you are going to get better!"
"Doctor," Chakotay begins meekly, "If Kathryn doesn't want me here we could always find someone else. I'm sure that Sam Wildm-"
"Absolutely not! Did you not hear me a mere few seconds ago? You and You alone will be supervising the Captain's recovery! That's it and that's final!" He draws in a deep breath and exhales loudly to emphasize his point, "Now, where was I? Oh yes – Captain the catheter will come out when the feeling in your groin has returned. If it comes out before then we'll be risking incontinence."
He rubs his eyes and looks at me apologetically. 'We'll get through this' his eyes tell me.
'I know', I blink back – 'but not before I reassemble some of those holographic subroutines… '