Chakotay sits on the edge of my bed moving my arms passively. The Doctor said the movement would stimulate the muscles and keep them from getting too stiff during my recumbence.
"So, how's my bridge?" I ask.
"Tuvok's got it under control. We're once again leaving Tevian space. Shame."
"I know, it was nice not to be shot at for a change," I smirk.
"It's always such a privilege not to be shot at out here in the Delta Quandrant" he retorts with a smile.
Over the next few days I work diligently with the Doctor and Chakotay. Thankfully I begin to regain a small bit of control over my limbs. Luckily, the Doctor determines that it's safe to remove the catheter, for which I am ever so grateful.
I still can't walk without a great deal of help. And by help, I mean Chakotay practically dragging me. But, at this point I'll take anything to get out of sickbay. I am craving a shower – one with actual water and not the humiliating "sponge baths" I'm getting from the Doctor. I still won't let Chakotay participate in that area of my care. It is too much. It's too personal. I am still too vulnerable. I know he would have done it. He wouldn't have given it a second thought. But I say no.
It's the fourth day of my stay in Sickbay and I've had enough.
"Doctor, I need to go back to my quarters" I state plainly.
"Well Captain," The Doctor knew this was coming. In truth, he'd expected her to demand a discharge from sickbay on her first day.
"I see no reason why you can't be discharged. However, you will need to be under constant supervision and-"
The doors to Sickbay hiss open bringing Chakotay in at his usual time for our daily breakfast.
"Ah! Commander. Excellent timing. I am going to be releasing the Captain to her quarters. She will need constant supervision, which I fully expect you to give. I'll arrange a site to site transport for the two of you – unless you'd like to try walking, Captain?"
In this case, I have long since given up any semblance of control. I know that the Doctor had the upper hand so I concede, "No, Doctor, a site to site will be just fine."
The smug hologram smiles, relishing his command, "Doctor to Transporter Room One"
"Transporter Room One here how may I help you, Doctor?"
"I need a site to site transport for the Captain and Commander Chakotay to her quarters, please"
"Right away sir."
I take one last look at Sickbay before I materialize in my own quarters. I have been standing during the transport, propped up against Chakotay's chest almost in an embrace. Now, in the darkness of my room I lean into his body. Without my boots my gaze is squarely in line with his chest. His arms hold me close, keeping me safely against him. I look around, and smile; he's cleaned my room for me. I don't think anyone has cleaned my room for me since I was five years old. I look at the bed. Oh Chakotay, how I must have scared you when you found me lying unconscious!
I thought back to all the times he was lying in sickbay or the times when he was stranded on a planet and I couldn't find him. I remembered all the times when he was ill, incapacitated. I felt like I feel now – how I felt when I first woke up – helpless.
"Do you want breakfast?" his velvet voice cut through the dark silence of my room.
"Yes, but first I – uh- I have to use the bathroom".
"OK."
He practically drags my near-limp body the few steps to the bathroom. In a moment, the reality of my situation becomes too real. Mentally I am brought back to the final months before my Nana had died. She'd become like I am now – incapacitated. She moved in with us. I was very young – seven at the most. But I still remember how mom and dad had to help her do everything. They had to get her on the toilet, bathe her, and feed her. Right now, I feel like my Nana at 116 years old and I am only 40.
I can't help it. I feel humiliated. Embarrassed. Here is the man that I well – I... Here is a member of my crew who I care dearly for. Every day I am strong for him. I am independent and self sufficient and now I am reduced to having him help me go to the bathroom since I can't yet fully move my arms.
Tears form in the corner of my eyes and I try to muffle a small sob. But, like the attentive man he is, he doesn't let it go unnoticed. His arm curl tighter around my side as we arrive in the modestly sized bathroom. In that moment, I hate him for it. I hate him for being strong and having use of his two legs and two arms. Why is he healthy while I'm no better than an invalid?! I want to scream at him. I want to hit him. I want to scream and rail at the Universe for putting me here. But nothing comes. No shouts. Nothing. Only tears.
"Kathryn" he whispers. He props my listless body against the edge of the tub. Luckily, some of the innervation to my core has returned enough for me to sit upright, but not without help.
"Kathryn," he whispers again, only a little louder this time. He lifts my chin and dislodged tears slide off my cheeks and into my lap.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Sorry. That's all he can be. "Why?!" I shout at him amid the sobs, "Why me, Chakotay? Goddammit! Is this my penance? Is this how Universe's punishes me for stranding 150 good people away from their families? Is this my retribution for that decision? I can't even piss on my own! I can't do anything for myself. I'm useless. I can't command this ship. I can't do anything. I'm so useless. Just airlock-"
"KATHRYN!" he shouts. I've never heard him use that tone of voice before – not with me. It is sharp, cutting, firm. "No. Don't do this Kathryn. You can't do this again. I know-" he exhales sharply, "I know you're upset. Hell I know you're beyond upset. But this isn't your fault. Things sometimes just happen. People get sick. You get sick and thankfully you'll get better. But please, Kathryn, please don't do it again. 5 months ago I almost lost you in that Void. I almost lost my best friend and…"
He stopped talking and looked away from me as I saw tears hit the bathroom floor.
"And what Chakotay?" I whisper.
He looks back at me, "Nothing. Another time. Would your prefer I get a female crewmember in here to help you with this?"
In fairness, that's how the situation should be handled, but I'm too proud and I don't want anyone but him, the Doctor, and Tom Paris to see me like this.
"No, it's fine. Let's just get it over with." I am defeated.
"I won't look – Promise".
He lifts my listless body up from the edge of the tub and supports me as he draws my standard Starfleet issue underwear down around my knees. Slowly he lowers me onto the toilet. When I think about it, what he's doing for me is a far more intimate gesture than sex ever could be. During the act of making love, two people are at their 'best'. All 'errant' bodily functions are excluded in favour of the more erotic ones. However, here is this man. This wonderful bear of a man is holding me while I relieve myself. All the anger that I feel towards him washes away as he gently wipes me and flushes the toilet. In a moment, I am overcome with love for him. I am completely overtaken with the love that I have kept bottled up and closed behind my Captain's mask.