Disclaimer: Naruto and all other characters belong to their rightful owner. I claim no ownership!

Warnings: Yaoi, Sasuke/Naruto, swearing, some violence, angst and graphic scenes. Don't like don't read.

Author's Notes: Having gone back through the previous chapters of this story, I discovered that I wrote that it was near winter and Christmas at the beginning. To clear up a few issues, in the previous few chapters where I have said that the weather has been sunny and clear, they are actually in a different part of the country. In Australia, winter here is cold, but the days are sunny and sometimes warm in the sun. Other parts of the country get a lot of snow. So this applies to this story! Hope that made sense…

Chapter 31: The Saddest Thing I Know

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

Heart Like a Wheel by The Corrs

Naruto took a deep breath before knocking quietly on Sakura's door. They had been home for a week and a half, and he had hardly seen Sakura at all. The dorm that they all shared since their return had been a tense and uneasy place. Now that the competition was over, everything had become focused on his relationship with Sasuke, and it made him highly uncomfortable.

He had been laid up in bed for three days following the cross country course and he had spent most of that time asleep. Sasuke had visited a few times, but Naruto had been so drowsy that conversation hadn't been possible.

The door opened slightly before him, and he was faced with a dishevelled and tired looking Sakura, who glared at him and made to shut the door again.

"Sakura, wait…" he pleaded, putting his hand on the door. "Can we talk for a moment? I want to apologise."

"It's a little late for that don't you think?" She snapped, but she stepped back after a moment's hesitation. "Close the door behind you."

The radio was playing softly in her room, and he glanced around. Her bed was bigger than Naruto's and took up a large portion of the room. On her chest of draws there was a TV and dvd player, and an entire wall was taken up with a massive wardrobe. An old and worn looking armchair was placed beneath the window, and Sakura returned to this once he had entered and closed the door.

Clothes were spread across the floor, along with books and magazines, and the bedclothes were a mess of twisted sheets and strewn pillows.

"Well? I haven't got all night, you know. And I'm sure you have better things you could be doing," Sakura told him sharply, not looking up from the magazine she was reading.

He ran a nervous hand through his hair before really looking at his friend. She was putting on a casual air, but he could see that she hadn't been sleeping well and that she was feeling down.

"I'm sorry," he told her quietly. "I should have been honest with you from the start."

"I would have thought that you owed me that much at least, seeing as we've been friends for almost five years now," she replied curtly.

"You deserved the truth, I know that. But I…I was afraid. I didn't know what was happening with Sasuke until…. And by then I was felt so guilty I didn't know how to tell you…"

She threw aside her magazine and stood up then, her green eyes blazing with anger and hurt.

"You still should have told me! Instead you stood there and listened to me blathering on like a fool when you knew all along that it was hopeless!" she shouted. "Have you any idea how humiliating that is? I feel like such an idiot!"

She whirled away from him and walked over to her dresser, slamming one of the draws closed.

"I suppose you've told Sasuke everything I told you," she said bitterly at a more normal level. "No! I would never do that, Sakura," he told her desperately. "You have to realise…you have to know that…that I love him. And I didn't think that he would ever love me back."

"And lucky you, you get the guy of your dreams. Never mind that you have to trample your friends to get what you want, even though I would have never do anything to hurt you, even if our positions were reversed."

She turned around to look at him, accusation and betrayal in her eyes. Tears ran silently down her cheeks, and he watched with his heart in his throat as she angrily wiped them away.

"I trusted you, and you lied to my face. I don't…I can't do this Naruto," she sighed, covering her face with a hand.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked, helplessly. "I want to make this right. I don't want to lose you."

"I think you should leave now…I don't want to do this now."

With a sinking heart, he moved closer to her. "Please. Please, Sakura," he whispered, carefully pulling her into an embrace as tears began to fall. The pain he felt in his chest because of the way he had hurt her so badly was threatening to choke him. Misery and shame so thick was threatening to make him break down.

"I'm so, so sorry."

For a moment, she relaxed against him, grasping his jumper in her fists.

"No. I can't forgive this, Naruto. Not now, or ever," she said in a shaky voice as she pushed him away. "I'm sorry for hitting you. I shouldn't have done that. But I don't think we can be friends any more if I can't trust you."

"Sakura…."

"Go!" she said more firmly. "And please leave me alone for a while. I think it would be best for everyone if we avoided each other."

Devastated, and a little bewildered by her decision, he backed away, and slipped out the door. For a moment, he leaned shakily against the wall, covering his face with his hands as he breathed out slowly.

"Naruto?" a voice called out tentatively.

He looked up to see Kiba approaching cautiously down the hall.

"I er…I heard yelling," Kiba explained, glancing at him and then looking away. "Thought I'd come and see if everything is okay."

Discretely wiping away his tears, Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine, Kiba. Thanks."

"Look I…" Kiba started to say, looking highly uncomfortable. Naruto watched him sadly. Kiba had barely spoken to him since he had been so publically outed by Sakura, and it hurt him to think that such a thing could come between their friendship. It seemed the only thing he was good at was driving people away.

"Never mind," Kiba mumbled. He pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "I'd better go. Kakashi needs me, and all that."

He watched as his tall, lanky friend turned away and hunched his shoulders as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Naruto felt lonely, and it ripped at him harshly, after such a long time knowing that he was safe and supported by friends.

Scrubbing at his face again, he made his way outside and sat himself down on the sheltered back steps. The freezing cold bit at him, making him shiver and huddle in on himself. Chance came running up to him, desperate for someone to play with him, but Naruto smoothed his hands over the dogs' silken coat and looked into the lively brown eyes, wondering if the young dog would eventually end up being his only friend.

"Really, mother?" Sasuke sighed, slumping back in his seat. "Another charity ball? Don't you get tired of hosting these events?"

Mikoto smiled indulgently at him as she poured herself another cup of tea.

"Why Sasuke, you're barely here throughout the year, and you hardly ever come to these events of mine. How can you possibly be complaining about them?" she chided gently.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead in exasperation. These events of his mother's that he was forced to attend whilst he was home meant that he had to socialise with the higher ups in society, his father's business partners and potential wives for both he and Itachi. In order words, boring chit chat and fending off the unwanted advances of young women who claimed to be in love with him. And it wasn't just him who got such unwanted attention. It was worse for Itachi, who was seen as the heir to the Uchiha fortune, despite the fact that Sasuke got an almost equal share.

"You know what I mean, mother," he grumbled, taking a biscuit and crumbling a piece between his fingers. "Besides, I have things to do."

"Like?" she arched an eyebrow at him and he sunk lower in his chair, feeling like a small child once more who was being indulged with amusement by his gentle mother.

"Just…university stuff. Christmas stuff, you know."

"Hmmm," she looked away out the window, nursing the hot cup of tea in her hands.

Sasuke followed her gaze and looked out the window as well. The snow had finally begun to fall a couple of days ago, turning everything pure white and sparkling. Sasuke had always loved snow, loving the way it turned the ordinary day into something magical, cleansing the dirty buildings and transforming them into something new.

He didn't mind the cold either, although he knew that Naruto felt it particularly keenly. The blond had been forced to spend most of his time indoors since their return from the competition. Because of this, he had sensed that Naruto's spirits had fallen. In combination with the tough situation their relationship had forced them into, with the cold weather and the lingering pain in his back, Naruto had slipped into a pensive and quiet mood that was all too reminiscent of the Naruto that he had first met.

"Sasuke?" his mother said, obviously repeating herself.

"Hmm?"

"Your father will be attending this year," she said quietly, watching him closely.

It was a struggle to keep his automatic scowl hidden from view, but his mood had already begun to sour at the thought of spending any amount of time with his father. The man had a knack for making one feel like he was less than worthy to be in the man's presence, and his sons were no exception. Sasuke hated feeling like his was being judged, and in combination with the constant pressure to perform well at university and begin a long and boring career at one of the families companies made Sasuke feel as if the walls were closing in on him. It made him want to leave, and escape it all for something better. He had dreams of his own that had been pushed aside for too long now, and perhaps it was Naruto's influence, but he was beginning to want to pursue them. His patience with the pressure and nagging had become remarkably thin recently, and he knew that there would be many arguments and fights to come.

It also didn't help that he knew how his father would react should he ever find out about Naruto. He would severely reprimand Sasuke, possibly even restrict the few freedoms he was actually permitted, and he would fire Naruto within a heartbeat.

Sasuke wouldn't stand for that. There was not a chance in hell that he would let Naruto lose his job and the life he had come to rely on, no matter how tough it may be presently.

"I know that you and your father have been at…odds recently," Lady Mikoto said delicately. "But it would be pleasant if you two could spend some time together this Christmas. He has missed you, I know."

This time, Sasuke couldn't prevent his snort from escaping. "Yeah, sure. He's missed pushing me around, more like it."

"Sasuke. That's not true and you know it," his mother sighed, carefully placing her cup down on the saucer. "You two have grown apart, that is true. But he loves you dearly, even if he doesn't always show it the way you would like."

"The way I would like? Mother, he is constantly trying to push me into a career that I have no desire for! He's not even open to discussing what I would like to do. He tries to control my every action."

"Sasuke, that's not how he views it. He only wants to best for you," his mother replied sadly.

"By treating me like a child who is unable to make his own decisions?" Sasuke asked, sick and tired of the same old arguements. "When he is ready to let me pursue my own career, let me know. I won't be holding my breath."

He stood abruptly, placing his napkin on the table. "Thank you for the tea, Mother. I shall see you for dinner," he said, unable to walk away without being polite. And curse his proper upbringing for that too.

"Sasuke…" his mother called after him, but he closed the door quietly behind himself. With a frustrated shake of the head, he decided that it was time to exercise Taira for the day, and to visit Naruto, who would be able to calm his restless anger without even a word.

"Naruto," a deep, familiar voice spoke from behind him, and he turned around to see Sasuke approach.

He was standing ankle deep in the snow, with one foot and his folded arms resting on the wooden fence before him as he watched two of the horses frolicking in the fresh snow. They were definitely warm enough, with their heavy winter rugs on, and were certainly enjoying the experience, kicking up the heels and tossing their heads around.

Naruto wasn't enjoying the cold so much. He was warmly rugged up with two jumpers and a thick jacket, with a scarf around his neck and gloves warming his frigid hands. But it was the sight of Sasuke that warmed his belly and made him smile, despite his serious thoughts.

"Hi," he smiled at Sasuke, and accepted the kiss on his cheek, knowing that there wasn't anyone around.

"Hey," Sasuke replied, glancing at the horses. "Can you spare some time away? I thought we could take a walk."

Naruto nodded readily, and Sasuke took his hand and they walked together towards the woods. Sasuke was dressed warmly as well, but didn't seem to mind the cold as much as he did.

Sasuke seemed in a preoccupied mood, and Naruto was content to walk beside him in silence, the crunch of the snow beneath their boots loud in the startling silence that snow brought with it.

It was only once they were well into the woods on one of the lesser used riding trails that Sasuke sighed loudly and shrugged his shoulders, as if releasing a great burden.

"Is everything okay?" Naruto finally asked. "You seem upset."

Sasuke shot him a smile and squeezed his hand through their gloves.

"Yeah. Everything's okay," Sasuke released his hand and pulled him closer, laying an arm around his shoulders. "My mother is holding a Christmas charity ball, and once again, I am forced to attend and put up with the boring conversation and blatant innuendo."

Naruto slid an arm around Sasuke's waist. "Still, won't it be nice to see some of your friends? It is Christmas, after all."

"None of my friends will be there. Gaara and the others left a couple of days ago. The only people who will be there are my father's business associates and my mother's friends." Sasuke said, seemingly returning to his irritated mood. "But that's not the worst of it."

"Why? What else is there?"

"My father is coming home," Sasuke sighed. "This is going to be a horrible Christmas, I can see it now."

Naruto absorbed this in silence, looking down the where their feet were trampling the fresh, crisp snow. Icicles hung from the branches above them, and snow had started to fall softly all around them, bringing a whole new level of muffled silence.

"Surely it won't be that bad?" Naruto raised a hand and brushed snow out of his hair.

"Well, not all bad," Sasuke relented, pressing a kiss to his head. "But Christmas is never a time that I have particularly enjoyed with my family, even when I was a child."

Naruto felt sadness grip his heart at hearing this. It seemed to him that Sasuke had not had a particularly carefree childhood, and it saddened him that he had been deprived of the innocent naivety of Christmas.

Sasuke seemed to sense this and smiled down at him, this time pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Hey, don't feel bad for me," he said. "There are good things about Christmas too. This Christmas I get to spend it with you."

Naruto smiled at him, grateful to have a Christmas at last where he wasn't desperately lonely and unhappy.

They walked on, both enjoying the quiet and the peace that had engulfed them. The snow that engulfed them in its cold embrace brought back a sense of wonder that Naruto though he had lost a long time ago. And with it came a tidal wave of memories of Christmas's past spent with his father in youthful happiness. Eventually, the rush of memories became too great, and he felt the compulsion to tell Sasuke, his best friend, his confidant and his lover.

"When I was a young, my father always tried to make Christmas fun for us, even though my mother wasn't with us. We'd always cook together and make too much food, and he'd take me ice skating or tobogganing after we'd eaten," Naruto smiled as he remembered, grateful for a memory that wasn't too painful. "He always gave me many presents. I think now that…that he was trying to compensate for me not having a mother at Christmas. But also because he was always sad."

Sasuke pulled him closer as Naruto thought for a moment, remembering his father's bright gold hair and sky blue eyes. He remembered the way his father would encase him in his strong arms, holding him warm and safe as they sped down the hill on their old, plastic toboggan. He remembered the snowball fights, the fast chases on the ice, and the warm, hearty goodness of Christmas food and a blazing fire.

"Sometimes I couldn't sleep after all the sugar, you know?" Sasuke smiled with him when he said this. "So I used to sneak out of bed to see what my dad was doing. He always sat staring into the fire with a glass ofport or whiskey in his hand. It was the only day of the year that he allowed himself a drink. I think he missed her the most during the holidays."

Sasuke remained silent for a long moment and kicked at a mound of snow, watching as it flew up into the air and drifted slowly back to the frozen ground.

"Things between me and my father haven't been good for a long time now. I wish…I just wish he would actually listen to me for a change, and ask what I think before he orders me to do things," Sasuke said, staring at the ground. "I want to be closer to him but…it's out of my hands."

Sasuke sighed after another long silence, tucking Naruto closer under his arm.

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens."

TBC

A/N: It just so happens that my birthday is on christmas day, which is the reason why I love christmas so much. They were magical times when I was a kid…