"So then West was all like 'Stop it Gilbert, you'll kill yourself if you drink it!' But I drunk it anyway!" Prussia laughed, with who I think is Macedonia on his knee. Anyone who reckons they'll have had sex before midnight, raise their hand.
My hand is raised, okay!
"Mr Scotland, would you like a drink?" Oh God, no. Not Trinidad. If she's here, then the other one can't be far aw-
"Maybe some Absinthe?" And there's Tobago.
"Tequila?" I've be told not to accept drinks off of these girls.
"A deliciously dangerous mixtre of the two served from a broken glass laced with Ecstasy?" They grinned in unison. An accurate description of how creepy their whole 'grinning and talking in unison' thing is those twins in the Shining. Yeah, those twins. They're scary as fuck, guys!
"Nica!" I holla'd. Gotta represent, homies!
"Yeah Scotty?" Aw, I like Nicaragua. She's so adorable!
"Keep an eye on Trina and Toby, they're doing the drink thing again!"
"Will do, Scotty!" She laughed, running off to find the girls. They do this at every party. They try and get people completely drunk. For the lulz, guys.
"Mr- Mr Scotland! Ja, that's your name!" Oh look, Lil' Swiss Bonnie. Looking very intoxicated. I can't say I'm at all surprised, really.
"Where's Clyde? Holding up a bank somewhere?" You want some aloe vera for that burn!
"Hey Scotland, have you seen 'Lossia anyway? I can't find him!" She said, barely keeping on her feet.
"I'd check the local banks, then the prisons. The bottom of a river sounds equally as plausible too. He might have concrete shoes on, though." I really do not like Molossia. He's a- he's not a nice person.
"You're very pretty, Mr Scotland. Did you know?" She cooed, stroking my cheek. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Switzerland stalking around with his rifle on his back. They ain't legal over here, sweetheart!
"Thank you, Lil' Swiss, now take your hand away from my face." I said, taking a step back.
"Wanna see my bra?" She hiccupped.
"WHAT?! LIL' SWISS CHEESE, OF COURSE NOT!" I'm pretty sure she's like, 12 years old.
"Why? Am I not pretty enough?" She said, starting to cry. Fuck. "I bet you'd wanna see Hungary's bra! Just because she's prettier than me!" Well, while Hungary is a smoking hot lady chick, that's not the reason why!
"Lilli! What's wron- You." Shit. Fuck. I didn't touch her! That's creepy!
"Yeah, me. It's my house, you idiot. And on the subject of this being my house, you can't have your gun here." Well, technically, it's the UK house, but still.
"Don't make me shoot you, Scotland. Why is Lilli crying?" You can't shoot me, moron. I literally just told you why you can't. You're in THE UK house. No guns allowed.
"He said that Hungary was prettier than me!" She cried. Grft, I really dislike that kid.
"Leave Lilli alone, Scotland. I can't shoot you here, but you can sure as hell bet that the minute you step foot in Switzerland for the next World Meeting, you won't be leaving with your balls intact." Pipe the fuck down, bro! He turned his back and stalked away, Lil Swiss cheese following closely behind him.
"Yeah that's right, walk away." I laughed. I need a drink.
Strutting my arse to the kitchen, I spotted the booze. Not only that, but I spotted some very interesting sights. Let me explain.
Imagine Sweden.
Are you doing that?
Good.
Now, imagine him drunk. With his shirt off. Caramelldancing. With Denmark.
I hope someone is filming that.
But that's only sight number one.
Sight number two, however, is much more amusing.
"Who brought the karaoke machine?" I asked Moldova, tapping his sexually accented self on the shoulder to gain his attention.
"Niki did. He and Dmitri were planning on singing together, but Poland took control and sang 'Girls just wanna have fun' with Hungary. Now almost everyone has written their name down to have a go." Accent, accent, accent!
Anyway, back to who is singing now.
"The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and oh, the night's so blue..." Estonia belted out. He can carry a tune, I'll give him that.
"And then I go and spoil it all by sayin' something stupid like "I love you"." David sang back, looking way too deep into Estonia's eyes for their relationship to be just platonic.
Yep. You read correctly.
David. As in 'Wales, my baby brother' David.
Is he banging Estonia?...
Is Estonia banging him? ;)
These are questions I need to ask him.
"Hey kid, I heard you been making eyes at my girl." Oh, not this prick. I span my arse around and the smell of gambling and cheap perfume bitch slapped me.
"Clyde! It's been a while! Did the bank robbery go okay?" Hehe, damn I'm good :D
"You some sorta clown now, wise guy?! I had your back, and you make eyes at my girl. You wanna sleep with the fishes, asshole?" Can he actually dress in colour, or is he cursed to forever walk around like a 20s mobster? It's really creepy.
"You girl asked me did I wanna see her bra, dude! Look, she's chasing after Sunb- Ladonia right now!" Switzerland clearly did a proper nice job of raising Lil Swiss. 10 out of 10 for parenting, Switzerland!
"You watch your back, I'm in the business of knowing bad people." What does that even mean?! Oh thank God, he's leaving.
"Scotland sweetie, may I have a word?" I didn't go near Roderich! Trigger happy came to me!
"I DIDN'T TOUCH AUSTR-I mean, hey Hungary! 'Course you can." Nice save, Scotty. Be proud of that one.
"Care to place a bet?" She asked happily.
"On what?" How many times Belarus will try to maim somebody? It's been 4 times so far, and I haven't even been keeping track properly.
"On who will have had sex by the end of the party of course!" I should have known.
"I'll put £5 on Prussia and Macedonia, £5 on Estonia and Wales, £5 on Bonnie and Clyde, and £2 on Switzerland and his gun." What?! Switzerland and his gun are probably engaged by now, don't hate!
"It was a pleasure doing business with you, Scotland." She laughed, taking the bet money.
"Rob! Robbie! Roooobbbbbbbbiiiieeee!" Who the fuck let Trevo near the alcohol?!
"What is it Trevo?" I've told them once, I've told them a thousand times. Trevo and alcohol only mix on Saint Patrick's Day.
"Have you seen- I forgotten his name! Oh God, you know him! He has hair, a couple of eyes, some arms, you know him!" Specific as ever, Trevo. Lemme whip out the list of people with hair, two eyes and arms.
"What do they look like, tell me in mo-"
"PORTUGAL! That's who I want." For sex, maybe? ;)
"Ireland, baby!" Said sex friend yelled.
"Have you seen my shirt? I was with Sister 'Spanga, but then Angry Luigi came over! He shouted a lot, so Spain took him away! I don't know where my shirt is, Trevo!" Heh, Angry Luigi. That's good.
"I don't know either!" They shared a glance, then fell into hysterics. Did I miss something?
"Well, even though this is a rather deep and meaningful conversation about things that matter, I'm going to leave now." Sass Class 101 has started children, gather 'round ;)
"And the wild Scotsman circles his territory, looking for his prey, the elusive half bottle of Whiskey." ...
"Australia. What the fuck are you doing?"
"Ah, the Scotsman seems to have noticed us. Be careful Hutt, he has a dangerous temperament, he's ginger."
"Jack, what the fuck are you doing?!" I asked the drunk Aussie. Did we buy Fosters, or did he bring his own? He's said before he won't drink our crap booze, which is rude.
"We've angered the wild Scot, Hutt, we'd better leave before it attacks us!" I don't even know guys. Did Artie drop him on his head when Jack was a baby? I'll have to ask.
"Scotland, have you seen Arthur? I was talking to Niki, but Arthur and Lukas seemed to have wondered off. You don't know where they are, do you?" Turn on the smolder, Scotty. Vlad Tepes is here lookin' fine!
"I haven't seen him, no. I can help you look, if you like?" We can start in my bedroom, then under my covers...
"ROBERT!" I can't catch a break, can I?!
"Artie! Romania was looking for you, we were going to find you!" Cockblocking little bitch.
"I bet he was." Artie growled, grabbing my shirt collar. "I've warned you Robert, stay away from my friends."
"Whatever, fine! I don't even want to be near your friends anyway!" Well, maybe Romania. He's beautiful. Now that I think about it, Denmark bagged himself a Norway, so Norway's pretty cool too.
God, I need a drink.
"Now be careful Hutt. He looks drunk and in need of another drink. Offer him the whiskey slowly and cautiously." I swear to God, I'll kill him. I'm not a wild animal! Well... ;)
"Jack, seriously. What the fuck!"
"He's hostile, Hutt. Make your escape! Run in zig zags, it'll confuse him!"
"I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit." I said to no one in particular.
"You don't get paid at all!" I know that voice. I looked over at my shoulder and saw my little Shoulder angel sat there. She looks like a female version of England. Acts like one too.
"I am not a female version of your brother!" Yeah you are.
"Hello sweetie, how've you been?" And there's my Shoulder devil. She looks like a female Prussia. And she's reaalllly hot.
"Aw, you're a dear! I have an idea Robbie." She said, sharpening her nails with the end of her pitckfork.
"No! Your ideas always end badly!" Angel cried.
"Quiet you. Now Rob, you have the voice of an angel, babe. Get your fine arse up on the stage and sing for everyone. Sing a good song. Sing Chris Crocker! He's perfect!" She grinned maniacally. Literally. If the Joker and Harley Quinn had a baby, and that baby grew up and had a baby with Two Face, that baby would be scared of her grin.
"Don't do it, Robert! Arthur will be angry with you!" Aha, I'm definitely doing it, Angel.
"Oh this is going to be good, baby!" Devil laughed, rubbing her hands together.
Right, I need a singing partner.
Who will sing with me?
I know!
"Reyna, have you seen Feliks?" I asked Czech Republic, tapping her on her shoulder.
"I was talking to Slovenia, you know. And yes, I have seen Feliks. He's drinking vodka in your dining room with Eliza."
"Thank you Reyna! Hey Slovenia!" I yelled as I ran into the dining room.
"Feliks! You fancy coming in the karaoke with me? We'll sing a song you love!" I asked the extremely shitfaced Poland.
"Totes! I'm going singing, 'Beta! Come and watch me!" Shit. Lil Miss Frying Pan had better not beat me up.
"I'm coming sweetie! Your skirt is higher at the back, you might want to pull it down!" Hungary laughed.
"Thanks 'Beta!" He giggled, adjusting his hot pink skirt. I know women less feminine than him. Example A being stood next to him.
"Let's go Feliks, before someone else decides to have a go!" Now. I don't know if any of you have tried to drag a short, drunk Polish man in a skirt across multiple rooms, but it isn't fun.
"Me and my main broski are singing, so shut up!" Feliks yelled when he grabbed the microphone.
"Robert, I swear to God, if you sing anything rude, I will kill you!" yelled Artie from the crowd. Is he not passed out yet?!
"Let's do this Feliks." I grinned before Poland flicked the song on. As the opening beat blasted through the room, Artie gave me a look that said 'Don't do the thing'. I'm doin' the thing, Artie!
"Screw hello, you had me at sex. Don't need no intro, let's skip to the bed. From your head to your toes, legs up over your head. From begs to moans, we're both seeing red!" I belted out at the top of my lungs. I sing like a fucking angel!
"Some believe in love, at first sight. But this is just lust on the first night. If it turns into more, then that's alright. But right now I don't want your kiss!" Poland sang before we both sang the chorus together.
"I want your bite! Want to feel your teeth on my neck. Want to taste the salt in your sweat. Gonna rock your body all night, it's lust at first sight! The way you're makin' me hot, don't stop you hittin' the spot. Gonna rock your body all night, it's lust at first sight." Who ordered the eye candy, because we've arrived baby!
We sang the rest of the song like we owned the crowd, and when the song was over, people clapped for us, because we were that good.
"ROBERT!" Shit.
"Yes Satan? Oh sorry, Artie! You reminded me of somebody else!"
"Fuck you. What the bloody hell was that song?! You've made a mockery of the UK house!" He shouted.
"All I did was sing! I didn't kill anybody!" Pipe the fuck down, baby brother! Bloody hell.
"I'm sick of your behaviour Robert! Why can't you behave like a gentleman?!"
"Because then I'd be a boring old man like you!" He went to hit me, but I dodged his fist. I spun around on my heel and ran for the door. A pissed off Artie isn't the best thing to be around, never mind when he's had alcohol.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU COWARD!" He screamed at me. Pfft, not with that attitude. I pulled the front door open and saw Prussia driving by in his convertible with Spain, France and Netherlands.
"GET IN LOSER, WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!" Prussia shouted at me from his car, whih he had now stopped. I ran over in record time and crashdived into Netherlands' knee.
"Hey there Scotland, you come here often?" He laughed, taking a drag from his pipe.
"GET BACK HERE ROBERT, YOU ARSEHOLE!" Not likely.
"Drive, drive, drive!" I told Prussia, who drove away like I'd asked him.
"BYE BYE BABY BROTHER!" I yelled at Artie, who didn't look happy at all. He'll get over it.
*5 hours later*
Urgh, where the fuck am I? My head hurts, this floor is cold, I'm aching because I slept on it, this room is way too bright for somebody who is hung over and I can hardly remember a thing. Silly Scotland, why did you drink again?!
"Is anyone dead?" I asked.
"No Robbie, but you will be." Gilbert answered. At least nobody died! Wait-
"What do you mean 'you will be'? What have I done?"
"Look around, mon cher Ecosse, and you shall see." I sat up and looked at my surroundings. All I can see is stone walls and a lot of light. And no roof.
"Where the fuck are we?" Well, I'm confused as fuck. The last thing I can remember is France waving his flag around in a big fancy building singing 'Can you hear the People sing?' from Les Miserables. Anyone see the film version? It was awesome, but I cried. Eponine was cool! You see her at the beginning, and you're all like 'She looks like a bitch, I don't like her!' and then when she sings 'A heart full of love/In my life' you feel like a dick because she's actually really nice.
"From what I can tell, Ecosse, I think we are on the roof of that big church your brother loves so much." What big chur- Shit.
"Westminster Abbey?"
"Oui, that is where we are I think."
Well that's me fucked then.