Disclaimer: The characters and concepts of Naruto belong to their rightful owner. I am just borrowing them for a while!
Warnings: Nothing much in this chapter. Mentions of treatment for mental disorders. Sasuke x Naruto (Male x male), angst.
Author's Notes: This chapter was insanely hard to write. There are additional notes at the end of the chapter. Feedback is always appreciated and thank you for all of the encouragement received so far!
Chapter 36: Brand New Day
A year and a half later…
"I think my ass has gone to sleep," Genma grumbled, shifting yet again in the car and glaring out the window through his sunglasses.
"I heard you the first ten times you said that," Kakashi muttered in reply, adjusting his hands on the steering wheel. "And like I've already said, we'll be there in about fifteen minutes, so shut the hell up."
"Remind me again why we didn't fly? This place is on the other side of the god damned country and you chose to drive?" Genma sighed.
"Flying costs money that we can't afford to spend," Kakashi said, running a hand through his hair. "And if I'd known you would be such a pain in the ass to travel with I would have come alone."
"You mean you don't want to justify the expense on the records," Genma countered, shaking his empty coffee cup for the third time. "And did you really think I would pass up a chance to visit Naruto? We haven't seen him in more than a year, he's gotta be lonely by now."
"He's probably enjoying the peace and quiet away from you," Kakashi grumbled.
Genma glared at him and threw a scrunched up piece of paper at his head, earning him a glare and a shove from Kakashi.
Kakashi eventually turned down a narrow, winding country half an hour later, ignoring Genma's mutterings about his horrible time keeping skills. They were surrounded by rolling green hills, and old oak and willow trees. It was a beautiful, peaceful place, he admitted to himself, and probably the perfect place for Naruto.
The blond had written long letters addressed to them all, and if Kakashi was being honest with himself, he thought Naruto seemed like he was doing better. Phone calls were scarce, but he didn't mind that so much and knew that it was a lot easier to say things in writing than it was on the phone.
Naruto's absence had been blatantly obvious for everyone. Little things around the place didn't get done, and the whole operation didn't run as smoothly as it once had. He hadn't realised how much the blond had done around the place, and how he had affect the day to day operation of the stables.
But most of all, he missed his friend, missed talking to him, and listening to him when he had something to say. He missed having the quiet presence around because Naruto had always been his confidante, and he always had his support, however silent.
Kakashi turned up the sloping driveway and drove through an impressive set of gates. The retreat that Naruto had chosen (although he had found out later that Lady Mikoto had some sort of hand in helping Naruto find a place) had well-tended fields and beautifully manicured gardens. A massive sandstone mansion faced them, and Kakashi parked in one of the designated visitor parking spaces. The retreat was situated on several aches, and Kakashi knew that Naruto would like that. All that open space to think and breathe and heal.
Genma lowered his sunglasses and whistled.
"Quite the place here. I wonder how he can afford it."
Kakashi hummed non-committedly, and got out of the truck. He suddenly wondered if he was underdressed in his worn jeans and boots. Genma hopped out after him and together they headed up into the manor and towards the reception, where a pleasant young lady directed them out the back of the reception area towards the cottages. Apparently Naruto had his own little house and it was the eighth one along the road.
Naruto had always been a private person, and Kakashi was relieved that he hadn't been forced to share living spaces with other people. The blond had always been very empathetic towards other people's problems, and Kakashi wasn't sure Naruto could deal with taking on everyone else's problems in addition to his own.
They walked in silence along a little gravel road, taking in the small houses with their tidy little flower beds out the front, the cosy verandas with their wicker chairs and soft looking cushions. They rounded a corner and were faced with a familiar looking truck parked under a large oak tree. Naruto's little cottage faced a large, calm lake, complete with ducks, lilly pads and weeping willow trees trailing their branches in the water.
Chance, the dog Naruto had rescued as a puppy was lying under the truck, but when he saw them he leapt to his feet and raced towards them barking joyously. He was fully grown now, and a big dog. His black coat was glossy and well looked after, and he leapt around them, pausing in his barking to lick their hands and sniff their boots every now and then.
"Hey there boy," Genma grinned and scratched the dogs ears before they continued towards the house. "Where's your master at?"
As they approached the house, they saw that the trucks bonnet was open, and that someone was tinkering around with the engine. Soft music was playing from the radio.
"Hello at the house!" Genma called, not wanting to startle Naruto.
The reaction was instantaneous and the boy himself appeared from behind the truck.
Both Genma and Kakashi froze in shock at the sight of Naruto. The boy they had known was gone, and in his place, a man.
Naruto had grown several inches over the last year and a half, and he had put on a lot of muscle. His shoulders had widened and his chest was broad, replacing the body of small waif of a boy with that of a strong young man. He wasn't as tall as Kakashi, but he was closer to Genma's own height. His hair was slightly longer, his skin tanned a healthy brown and his eyes seemed bluer than Kakashi remembered.
But the biggest difference was in his eyes. No longer were they dulled with pain, hurt or sadness. Naruto seemed to finally be at some sort of peace with himself. He was relaxed and calm, and his face broke into a huge grin when he saw them. He met them half way and wrapped his arms around Kakashi in welcome.
"I thought you'd be here tonight," he exclaimed as he pulled away, slapping Kakashi's shoulder before turning to greet Genma.
"We got an earlier start than we thought we would," Kakashi told him with a smile.
"Look at you!" Genma explained with a grin, holding him at an arm's length. "You've grown so much! What have they put in the water here?"
Naruto grinned in response. "Nah, one of my doctors has me on a special diet. Said something about having stunted growth when I was a teenager? I wasn't really paying that much attention."
"This place is pretty amazing, huh?" Genma stated, looking around. "It's huge!"
Naruto smiled. "I'll give you the grand tour later. But come inside, you must be thirsty after the long trip."
Kakashi followed him up the three stairs onto the porch and into the small house, feeling stunned. Naruto was like a completely different person, and he wasn't sure if he should be glad or confused.
As the day faded, they found themselves sitting on the porch watching the sky darken and slowly working their way through a pot of tea and some cheese and crackers.
Naruto was listening avidly to the stories that Genma was sharing, and more than a little aware of Kakashi quiet mood. He knew that his old mentor wanted some answers, and he definitely deserved them. He hadn't asked his friends to come and visit since he had left the Uchiha estate before, and he knew that that had confused and perhaps even hurt some of them, but his healing process had been a long and slow one.
There came a lull in the conversation, and Kakashi took that as a sign to say what was on his mind.
"What's been going on, Naruto?" the man asked gently. "How are you really doing?"
Naruto looked down into the half empty cup of tea in his hands, debating how much to tell his friends and then decided to be completely honest. Telling lies and half-truths had done him nothing but harm in the past, and he flashed back to those long and trying conversations with his therapist. He had decided many months ago that for him at least, honesty would always be the best policy.
"I've made a lot of progress since I left," he told them quietly. "I've been taking several courses and programs as part of my therapy here, including…."
He hesitated, trying to formulate the best way to describe his current lifestyle in a way they would understand.
"Go on," Genma leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "You can tell us."
Naruto smiled at his friend and sat back in his chair.
"I have a diet and exercise regime that had been very good for me."
Kakashi smiled. "You're almost as tall as Genma. I can hardly believe it!"
"As well as that, I've…I have a condition called Cyclothymic Disorder," he told them, looking at them straight in the eye.
His illness wasn't something he was ashamed of anymore. When he had been diagnosed it had actually been something of a relief, and once the effects of his treatment program had started to kick in, he found it much easier to cope with day to day living.
"What is it?" Kakashi asked quietly.
"It's a milder form of bipolar disorder," Naruto replied. "The treatment has been very good for me. My therapist says I'm doing well."
"But you'll get better right?" Genma asked, clearly upset by his revelation. "It'll go away?"
"It might. It may never go away, or it may just disappear over time." Naruto told him. "It's something I've learned to live with, and it's very treatable. I'm doing okay, really."
They sat in silence for a while, contemplating Naruto's words. He understood their concern. It had taken him a long time to fully come to terms with everything the doctors had been telling him, and even longer to accept that it was something that needed to be controlled carefully, or it could develop into full blown Bipolar disorder.
His life since arriving at the retreat had changed drastically, and he had had to change as well. Naruto hadn't been able to go on as the person he was before, and it had been a very slow and hard process to change the way he viewed the world and himself.
His days were kept busy in a variety of different activities. Three times a week he had private therapy sessions, in addition to a weekly group session that had forced him to interact with the other patients at the centre. It was that forced interaction that had really been the hardest, and he had found it very difficult to reveal old hurts and wounds that weren't fully healed to a room of strangers.
But as time marched on, he'd grown used to it. The group therapy had helped him to overcome his shame and self-hatred of his past, and hearing other people's stories, many of which were worse than his own, had been very cathartic for him.
He spent another day taking a business class at the local collage, and spending time with a tutor, who was also part of the retreat program. On Fridays he spent the day going on group outings with his therapy group, which had been fun. He had visited many local and not so local tourist sites, museums and theme parks.
Much of his spare time was spent exercising or writing, a project given to him by his therapist. He wrote letters to his friends at the Uchiha Estate, but most of his writing time was spent scribbling in a journal. It was another way he had found to exorcize the demons that had been residents in his head.
In addition to all the activities and therapy he was receiving, his medication helped to stabilise his moods and help his brain function properly. Along with regular exercise and a healthy diet, he had come to accept who he had been in the past, and the things that had happened to him. He had learned to forgive himself for all the wrongs he had perceived himself as committing, and was at peace with most of it.
There were still days when he was down and upset, but his therapist had been teaching him to accept that everyone had days like that, days when nothing seemed to go the way it was supposed to, and to accept that no one expected him to be perfect.
And then, of course, there was Sasuke. He still found it hard to think about him, because every day he missed him. Naruto dreamt about Sasuke often, wondering where he was and if he was doing okay. He knew that he still loved the Uchiha deeply, and that he always would, even if he never saw him again. It was an ongoing problem, and still a very painful one.
He was healing, slowly. And he knew it would take a long time, but he was learning more and more about himself every day, and that was progress. One little step at a time, no matter how small, kept him moving closer and closer to the person that he one day hoped to be.
"Are you coming back home?" Kakashi 's voice broke into his thoughts, and he looked up at his friend.
"I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to…." He broke off and sighed, running a hand through his too long hair.
"I don't know yet," he said, more firmly.
"But…aren't you getting better?" Genma sounded confused, and a little hurt. "I thought that once you were better you'd come back to stay."
"No one ever said that, Genma," Kakashi said a little sharply. "If he feels that he's not able to come back, then he shouldn't."
"It's not a question of wanting," Naruto broke in. "I have a long way to go yet. I still have a lot of therapy to get through, and going home…There's still a lot of…painful memories there that I need to deal with."
Genma nodded, sitting back in his chair, looking a little sad and regretful.
"I miss you guys," Naruto leaned over and took Genma's hand. "It's good to see you both."
"Thanks for your honesty, Naruto," Kakashi replied. "You know we only hope for the best for you. Whatever it takes, right?"
Naruto smiled at him gratefully. "Of course. Whatever it takes. "
Genma yawned suddenly, startling them all. "Wow, sorry," Genma rubbed his face. "I must be more tired than I thought."
"You'd think he'd done most of the driving," Kakashi grumbled.
Naruto laughed, realising how much he had missed his friends and their good natured bantering.
"I have more than enough space for the both of you tonight," he grinned, standing up. "And tomorrow I'll give you the grand tour of the place."
It had been a week since Kakashi and Genma had left, and Naruto was returning from a busy day of business classes to find another surprise visitor on his porch.
Lady Mikoto had been a frequent visitor since he had arrived. They had quickly become friends, and he had always enjoyed seeing her and having tea with her. Every time he saw her kind face, he was reminded of Sasuke, and missed him all the more.
They talked of many things, his therapy, her charities and business endeavours, but never Sasuke or the terrible circumstances that had brought Naruto to the retreat. She always brought him a new book and often explained some of the more confusing concepts of his business studies.
Currently, she looked rather sad as she sat in one of the wicker chairs staring out over the lake. He frowned as he jogged up the stairs, even though she greeted him with a smile as she stood. Her visit was rather unexpected, and she always made a point of contacting him before she stopped by for a visit. He quickly placed his books and backpack on the small table.
She looked alarmingly frail and tired, which only startled him more, because she was always so perfectly composed and serene. There were circles under her eyes and she wore no makeup. Her closes were plain and her usual jewellery was absent.
"Naruto," she greeted him warmly enough, taking his hands.
He kissed her cheek carefully.
"Lady Mikoto, is everything well?" he asked with a frown, ushering her back to her seat and taking one himself.
"No, Naruto, I find I am rather distressed," she admitted, folding her hands in her lap.
He leaned forward in his chair, concerned. "Would you like something to drink? You look rather pale."
She smiled at him, and reached to pat his hand. "Tea would be lovely, dear."
It took him only a few minutes to brew the tea and place the cups and saucers on a tray. He re-joined her on the porch and poured her tea carefully.
"How rude of me, Naruto. I neglected to ask how you are these days." She managed a smile for him as she nursed her warm cup.
"I'm doing as well as ever," he replied. "Things are getting better."
"I'm pleased to hear it, my friend," she nodded, setting her cup down.
"Please, Lady Mikoto, what's upsetting you?" he asked gently. "Is everything okay? Is Sasuke…."
"Don't trouble yourself, Naruto," she interrupted. "Sasuke is healthy and well, as far as I know. But now that you mention him, I have a favour to ask of you."
"Concerning Sasuke?"
She nodded and brushed a shaking hand over her face.
"You see, my husband, Sasuke's father, had a heart attack three days ago," she told him sighing.
"That's…I'm sorry to hear that," Naruto told her, taking her hand once more. "If there's anything I can do…"
He really wasn't quite sure how he felt about the news. He didn't hate the man for what he had done to Sasuke, but he didn't understand him the slightest bit.
He knew that Sasuke had loved his father fiercely as a child, and despite his claims, he loved him still. It had been a sore subject, and Naruto had never been told the full story of what had happened between father and son to cause so much bitterness between the two.
"Thank you, dear boy. That's the reason I'm here now."
"I'm listening."
"Sasuke is being rather…stubborn," she admitted. "I've called him, and Itachi has been calling him, trying to get him to come home and visit his father, but he refuses. He has even stopped taking our calls completely. I know that…."
She paused, her beautiful eyes filling with tears that she held back. She managed a quavering smile for him, and took a fortifying sip of her tea.
"The doctors say they don't think my husband will live past the weekend and I want Sasuke to see his father and try and make peace with him, in case…."
"I think I see where you're going with this." Naruto released her hand and sat back in his chair. Doubt and indecision gnawed at him, and that familiar feeling of anxiety gripped his stomach. He breathed deeply and slowly, before taking a sip of his own tea.
"I know it is hard for you to consider, Naruto," Lady Mikoto continued, leaning forward. "But you are the only person who Sasuke has ever really listened to. If anyone can get him to do this, it will be you."
"I'm not so sure of that, anymore," he replied slowly. "I'm not sure anyone can make Sasuke do anything he doesn't want to do."
"He values your opinion over everyone else's," she countered. "I just…I know I am asking a lot of you Naruto, and the lord knows that you don't owe me anything but I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't so desperate. I don't want Sasuke to have regrets, like I have. This may be his last chance of making things right with his father."
Naruto sat there for a while, weighing up her words. He knew it would probably be very hard to leave, and harder still to face Sasuke. He couldn't deny his own reluctance to leave and get involved in Sasuke's life once more. It would probably be better to let sleeping dogs lie.
But he also knew what it was like to have unresolved issues with a loved one who had died. He knew how that could eat at a person, and he didn't want that for Sasuke. He deserved that last chance to put things to right.
Seeing Sasuke again would be a true test of his recovery, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to take that test. He needed an unbiased opinion.
"Would you mind if I make a phone call?" he asked slowly.
"Of course not."
He excused himself and went inside. He found the phone and dialled a number he knew off by heart.
"This is Dr Shizuni," a pleasant feminine voice answered on the third ring.
"Hi, Shizuni, it's Naruto," he said after clearing his throat.
"Naruto, how are you? Is everything well?"
"Yeah, I'm well. Listen, I have something I need to ask you…"
He carefully explained the situation in detail to his therapist, not leaving out the slightest detail. Shizuni had been a major player in his recovery. She was the neutral voice of reason he needed to sort things out in his head. She pointed him in the right direction and guided him to important self-discoveries with careful questions. It helped that she let him draw his own logical conclusions from situations and helped him to explore the reasons behind decisions he had made in the past. Her help had been vital in steering him away from self-destructive behaviours in the past when things had seemed too hard.
She was quiet for a few moments when he reached the conclusion of his explanation.
"Naruto, you have all the tools you need to guide you in this situation. The real question is do you think you are ready for such a confrontation?"
"I'm not sure," he replied slowly. "I want to see him again. I know that….that it will be hard, and he probably won't want to hear what I have to say, but I think I need to try."
"This isn't necessarily a bad thing, Naruto," Shizuni replied. "This is an opportunity to sort out issues which we haven't really touched upon yet, but I think it may be something you need to face on your own. He may not want to see you, or talk to you, but if you feel that you need to try, then you should. This is an opportunity to move on. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that it is what's best for you and no one else. What do you think?"
"I think you may be right. I need to do this." He paused. "I think I'll be missing our session tomorrow."
She laughed lightly.
"That's okay. Consider this a flash therapy session. And remember, if you need me, I'll be right here on the end of this line, okay?"
He hung up feeling a little more confident. Shizune had been right. He needed to start making decisions for his own good, not just for everyone else's. And he owed it to himself to try and at the very least get closure for himself.
Lady Mikoto hugged him tightly when he gave her his answer.
"I know this will be hard for you, Naruto, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart," she released him, and pulled two tickets out of her hand bag. "Here. One is an open ended return ticket, leaving this evening. The other is a one way. Please, try your best to bring my son home to me."
Naruto looked down at the tickets in his hand and then at her tired face. He was taller than her now, he noted idly. He wondered if he was taller than Sasuke now, too.
"I'll do what I can, Lady Mikoto, but I can make no promises," he told her slowly. "There's no guarantee that he will even see me, let alone talk to me."
She smiled and patted his forearm.
"I think you are underestimating the depths of his feelings for you, Naruto. Call me, any time of day or night."
She leaned up and kissed his cheek.
"Thank you again," she whispered against his skin. "Even if it doesn't work, I'll always appreciate that you tried."
He watched as her driver closed the car door behind her, and the sleek black limousine pulled away from his small, humble home.
Naruto sighed as he stared down at the tickets in his hands. There was doubts and nervousness warring within him, but in addition there was also a great sense of anticipation.
The truth of it was, he longed to see Sasuke again. And maybe he was finally ready to do so at last.
TBC
Additional Notes: All of the information on Cyclothymic Disorder used in this chapteris from Wikipedia and PubMed Health (..gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002517/) . From my understanding of what I have read about the condition, it is a milder form of bipolar disorder. Cyclothymic Disorder is treated with the same treatments used for bipolar – combinations of therapy and medication (the same medications are used too). If you are interested in reading more about the disorder, I recommend going to PubMed Health.