chapter 2 - things he'd never say
"Yoshioka Futaba from Class 3-2, Yoshioka Futaba from Class 3-2 - please make your way to the staff office immediately. I repeat, Yoshioka Futaba, please make your way to the staff office immediately. Thank you."
The intercom system was as loud and jarring as always, and without fail would always bring unnecessary attention to the unsuspecting victim. Futaba already knew why she was being called, but feigned ignorance anyway by shrugging her shoulders when her friends cast her questioning looks.
"Maybe it's because I accidentally brought the wrong set of textbooks to Tanaka-sensei this morning," Futaba muttered, seemingly annoyed. Her best friends Yuuri and Shuuko watched as she closed her books and put away her stationary. "If that's the case, I better brace myself for an earful… or worse, an eyeful of that scary bulldog face sewn on the front of his jumper," she mock-shuddered. Yuuri chuckled softly and wished Futaba luck, while Shuuko silently and stoically analysed Futaba's behaviour, not believing her for one second. Murao Shuuko was a wise girl, and when she had a hunch, she was often correct. Futaba knew more than she was letting on, and Shuuko knew that the intercom system was used for much more urgent matters than the delivery of wrong textbooks. Just whom did Futaba think was she fooling?
"Let Minato-sensei know where I am if I'm not back by next period, okay?" she asked Yuuri.
"Of course! Now go before Sensei lectures you!" Yuuri responded, ushering her away.
As Futaba left the classroom, Shuuko leant back against her seat, frowning slightly at Futaba's retreating figure. Midterms had ended two weeks ago, and it was only a day or two after that Futaba began to behave rather oddly.
She would space out, staring at nothing in particular. As if she were trapped in her own little world, and no one was allowed in. Often, Shuuko and Yuuri would have to yell out her name when they wanted to catch her attention. One time, when Yuuri touched her accidentally, Futaba flinched, as if she received an electric shock. She then snapped out of it, apologized and said that she was feeling a little sensitive. Yuuri herself looked completely shocked. The most troubling part, Shuuko felt, was during the times where Futaba grasped at the back of her head, hard, like it hurt her. When Shuuko asked her if she was feeling okay, do you need me to bring you to the infirmary, Futaba?, she would grimace and say that she was having a bit of a annoying headache, don't worry about it, Shuuko! I'll be fine in a sec.
Was Futaba an idiot? Of course she was going to worry. She was obviously paler - she looked sick! Yuuri might be oblivious, but Futaba was hiding something - and Shuuko was going to find out what it was if that was the last thing she did.
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Three rows behind Shuuko, Mabuchi Kou had his eyes glued on the illegible doodle on his notebook, having completely stopped paying attention to whatever the teacher was saying when the intercom system demanded Yoshioka's immediate presence in the staffroom. He tore his eyes away from the page to look at Yoshioka, who was adamantly telling Makita and Murao that whatever it was probably wasn't a big deal, and to inform the teacher where she was if she wasn't back by the next period. Kou watched impassively as Yoshioka received a hall pass from their Modern History teacher, and made her way out of the classroom.
His gaze lingered at the classroom door long after Yoshioka had left. That announcement felt oddly like déjà vu, when Yoshioka and his idiot brother were falsely accused of being involved last year. He still felt guilty about it, because ultimately, he was the one at fault for that ridiculous misunderstanding.
Ever since he'd rejected Yoshioka the year before, they remained acquaintances at best, even though Yoshioka insisted that they remain friends. He hated that there was now a tentative distance between them, an impermeable atmosphere. The wall that had once been broken down by Yoshioka had been rebuilt with extra fortitude and neither of them knew how to break it down again. Not after everything that had happened. Not after all the circumstances that proved it impossible to be with her, no matter how much he wanted to.
Even though he was the one who knowingly destroyed the simple relationship they had, he missed it. He missed their easy conversations, the way she looked at him straightforwardly with her expressive hazel eyes. He missed the comfortable skinship he shared with her. He missed the way she showed that she cared about him, her pushiness, her demand to get under his skin. He missed her. Even though he had no right, no right at all.
Rrrrr… Rrrrr…
He abruptly resurfaced from his ocean of thought when he felt his phone vibrate in his pants pocket. He sighed. She should be done with second period by now, huh. He refrained from looking at his phone during class now, after scoring his first detention when his Maths teacher finally had enough.
It had been almost a year since Narumi Yui re-entered his life like a cloud that occasionally drizzled, but mostly hung overcast – never allowing the sun to shine through. She kept him up most nights, texting him about her day and how she actually tried to make friends this time, only to be ignored by her classmates. "It's fine though. I'm not bothered," she had texted. "As long as I have you, Kou-chan, I'm okay."
No, he thought. She wasn't okay. Far from it.
It was tiring. It was so, so tiring. With her, it felt like he had to be 'on' all the time. Like he had to be strong, because he didn't want to disappoint her, to destroy the image she had of him of 'having gotten over' his mother's death. He couldn't bear to tell her that it was something that one could never really get over. Initially, he thought that with Narumi's disposition, she would be able to bounce back to her old, bubbly self relatively soon. However, it had been almost a year since her father's death, and she still seemed to be consumed by grief.
More often than not, the things he said to reassure her whenever they met… were beautifully crafted lies. Like a drug to temporarily take away the pain, fill her up with far-fetched hope - that perhaps one day, it would get better. The guilt would fade away with time, because it was nobody's fault. It would stop hurting. Everything he said to her, were things he wished were true.
Kou had tried his best to keep whatever he had with Narumi as platonic as possible. He mostly ignored the fact that Narumi was in love with him. He kept it completely out of his mind, and pretended that it was as if they still saw each other as friends like in middle school. However, he knew that she had lied about not having any more feelings for him. He knew that she lied about a lot of things. It was astonishing how a loved one's death could change someone so drastically.
He knew that her dependence on him was completely unhealthy, but he was in no position to say anything. He himself was still plagued with memories of his mother's death. He remembered it vividly like it was yesterday. He was stillstuck, and he couldn't move forward. He didn't know how to. Even after four years.
There were many times where he found himself frantically thinking why am I even doing this? Why do I have to be with Narumi when she is a living, breathing reminder of my grief… when being with her bringing back so many horrible memories… why must… and then he remembers with sudden clarity. He hadn't been there for his mother, he focused on everything else but her… that he'd neglected her completely without even knowing. She suffered because of he wasn't there! He vowed to himself that he wouldn't make the same mistake again. Not when there was someone who needed him. There was no way he was going to let her suffer the same way he did. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if she ended up like him. He had no choice, his conscience wouldn't allow it. He needed to try.
Fleetingly, in the middle of the night, he sometimes wonders if everything would have been so much easier on him if he could just fall in love with Narumi… to just respond to her feelings. It would all hurt so much less, and be so much less tiring. It would be one less thing to worry about. But, no matter what he did, he could never see her the way she wanted him too. He could never love her… not when after all this time, he still had feelings for Yoshioka. Kou had given up many things to be by Narumi's side, but the one thing that he refused to sacrifice… was his heart.
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A/N: I kid you not, this was actually written the month before Chapter 25, where Futaba gets called to the principle's office using the intercom system. So I was super shocked how coincidental that was! (Also you can probably guess how long I've had this written already without polishing it up to publish -_-) Maybe Sakisaka and I are joined telepathically. Bahahah oh how I wish.
Also, thank you for your reviews! I'm glad that you were fine with the names, I honestly wasn't sure if they were OK.
So what do you think went down in the staffroom? Find out in the next chapter!