A/N: Hi guys! Thanks for all of your reviews. It's nice to know people are actually reading. I felt bad for both Shane and April in this last episode, so for both their sakes, in my minds eye, this chapter is what they did after the episode ended. Thank you all so much again for reading, and reviewing. Let me know what you think!

Shane scowled and hung his head as he walked quickly down the hall away from Brooks (Grey Sloan's resident traitor) and Dr. Shepherd (the resident dream crusher). He had to get out of there. Pit be damned. There were capable nurses around, and more experienced attendings on call. It was a quiet enough night in the ER. He couldn't stay.

Rounding a corner, Shane clenched his fists, trying hard to control his anger. It just wasn't fair! He'd been cultivating and working on his relationship with Derek Shephard for weeks. He'd been studying and practicing neuro procedures and sutures for months before that. He had been aiming for his trajectory, a career as a neurological surgeon, for years.

Years.

And what? Brooks comes in to assist on a couple of procedures, catches a few random things and she's suddenly some prodigy? Shepherd didn't even like Heather. She got on his nerves. It just didn't make sense to Shane. He couldn't understand it.

He tried so hard. All the time. He always had. This just didn't seem fair.

Shane sniffed, blinking back tears. Damn it. He was supposed to be angry. He wanted to be angry. He wasn't supposed to cry.

That didn't stop a few hot wet tears from escapeing the corners of his eyes. Fortunately, Shane had almost arrives at his destination. He flung open the door to the stairwell and began to climb. Just a few more flights. Just a few more flights and he would be on the roof. Alone with no one to hear him. That mantra kept his legs moving as he continued heading towards the roof. He focused on it to the exclusion of all else. He didn't notice the world around him.

Shane breezed past a landing and rounded the corner to ascend the last flight of stairs, when he heard a voice.

"Dr. Ross?" It was April Kepner, his mentor, friend, and he supposed he could now say fellow 'dud' (not that either of themselves would really choose to be identified in that way). Shane paused and hung his head, staring wearily at where the red headed surgeon was seated on the stairs, a few steps above. April's shoulders were slumped, and it was clear that to Shane that his teacher probably didn't feel much better than he did.

Her brow furrowed in concern, "Shane? Are you okay?"

"I-" Shane sniffed and took a deep breath, quickly wiping his cheeks, trying to pull himself together a bit. He didn't need the one person in this hospital who it felt like still believed him to lose her faith in him. "I'll be okay."

He tried to brush past her and continue making his way outside, but her fingers clasped around his wrist and brought his steps to a halt.

"Obviously, you're not," April replied, pulling him to sit down beside her. "Now cut the stiff upper lip and tell me what's going on? Did you lose a patient?"

Feeling a rush of embarrassment, Shane's sigh was more like half of a sob. As terrible as it was, he almost would have preferred it if he had lost a patient. This was almost too much to bear. Being told that the passion you had for what you wanted to do in life was almost too much to handle.

He was more than a dud. More than Shane was a failure. The one consistent dream he'd had in his life was something he apparently couldn't do. He didn't have the instinct. He didn't shine. A comforting hand began gently rubbing Shane's back. It was almost enough to set him off again.

"You can tell me," April persisted sympathetically.

Shane lifted his gaze to hers and finally said, "Dr. Shepherd said...He's going to work with Brooks from now on...because...she...she's worth teaching...and I'm-I work hard, but I guess I'm not as good at neuro as her. He's not going to have me on his service." He laughed bitterly, "I'm supposed to find some other specialty where I shine."

April winced, "Oh."

He shook his head, "I've worked with him for weeks. I helped on his hand surgery...and a huge part of the reason I even picked this program, this hospital, this city, was because I wanted to make sure I had the change to learn from Dr. Shepherd. To learn from him. He's the best. And he tells me I don't have enough instinct to be worth teaching..."

"He said that?"

"Essentially."

Shane just didn't get it. How could hard work not be good enough? Surely, there were people in the world, both inside the medical field and out, who didn't have a 'gift' or some immeasurable indescribable 'it' factor, who did great things. Passion and dedication should get you somewhere. It should get you to where you wanted to be.

April carefully took his words in, pursing her lips. "Wow...that's...I mean, you are only an intern. In the grand scheme of things this isn't so bad. It's not like any of you can declare a specialty yet. Maybe things will be different next rotation?"

"Yeah, but Shepherd doesn't think I'll be good in neuro in the end. Even if we rotate. No matter how much I work, he doesn't think its for me. I work so hard," He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees and shook his head. "And it really blows."

"I'm sorry, Ross."

Shane sat up straighter, feeling a little better now that some of his feelings were off his chest. "No, I'm sorry to dump all this on you...I shouldn't have..."

Dr. Kepner shook her head, "It's okay, Shane. You're allowed."

"Thanks."

They sat in silence for a moment, and he rubbed his hand together, as Dr. Kepner held hers in her lap and fidgeted with her own fingers nervously. Though he was still wrapped up in all his own problems and frustration, Shane couldn't help but wonder what brought his mentor here in the first place. Or why her normally cheerful demeanor was anything but carefree. She obviously had other issues on her mind. Issues all her own.

"I used to do neuro," April said finally. Shane turned his head, listening intently.

"For a lot of my residency, actually. I did neuro. I didn't really even consider doing anything else until like, my fourth year. And I wasn't bad at it. I worked hard. I wasn't bad, but I wasn't great either."

"Did Dr. Shepherd say the same thing to you as he did to me?" Shane asked hopefully.

Dr. Kepner hesitated, "No...but I think he would have. In the end. If I'd stayed in the specialty longer. If Dr. Hunt hadn't done-"

"That skills lab you told me about? In the rain?"

Shane knew the story. Over their coffees, April had told Shane a couple of times about how she'd ended up picking her specialty. A hands on trauma training with dummies, competition, and a hijacked ambulance. April's team had been the last residents standing.

The corner of April's mouth twitched and a trace of pride slipped into her expression, "Yes."

"Shepherd didn't kick you out then," Shane huffed. "I didn't have some fantastic light bulb moment after a skills lab. He just doesn't want to teach me. It's not the same."

"No," his mentor conceded. "But see...my point is: I liked the idea of neuro. But was it really for me? Now, I don't think it was."

Squinting and giving Dr. Kepner the once over, he tried to imagine her doing another specialty. He'd seen her in action for a number of emergencies, and honestly the association was hard to break. Even way back on lump and bump day, it had been clear that was not where Kepner was meant to be.

April continued, struggling to find the right words, "Just because you like the idea of something doesn't mean it's right for you, I suppose. I don't know. I don't have any answers for you."

"Thanks anyway."

Shane hung his head and sighed. Her experience both did and did not make him feel better. Yes, his mentor had a little experience with shifting gears and moving from neuro to something else, but at least she'd had another clear option ahead of her. Shane just felt lost. Not that there was much he could do about it right now.

He turned his head and considered his mentor once again, "So what brings you here, anyway?"

"Nothing," Dr. Kepner replied, just a little to quickly.

"Come on," Shane prodded smugly. "No one goes up here using the stairs unless they are looking to cry..."

She laughed nervously, and went back to playing with her hands, "It's nothing...just personal stuff."

'Personal stuff'. A phrase that veiled so very much. Shane had seen it all, over the past weeks and months, and he realized that he definitely knew more about April Kepner's personal stuff than she thought he did. And his night ehad been lousy enough already that he didn't care to reign in his decorum for once. He had nothing to lose.

"Are you ever going to tell Dr. Avery?" Shane asked bluntly.

"Tell Dr. Avery what?"

Shane held her gaze for a long moment. She knew what. Shane figured it was so obvious to himself and everyone else at the hospital that April had to know. She loved Jackson.

"How you feel. How much you feel."

"I-I don't-" Kepner stammered, obviously surprised and bewildered by her student's unexpected line of questioning. She couldn't fully deny it.

Finally after fumbling around for her words April continued, "I don't know how I feel. I mean, I know I...do, have feeling for him. A lot of feelings for him. But...it wouldn't matter anyway, because he doesn't feel...I mean, he broke up with me and then...and now he has Dr. Edwards and...it just wouldn't work."

"Would you tell him?" Shane continued to press, glad that he'd stuck enough of a nerve that she was still talking to him. In some strange way he felt even a little better knowing that he wasn't alone in feeling confused. It was like a solidarity thing. He was confsed, and so was his mentor. "Would you tell Dr. Avery how you felt if you didn't have Mr. Paramedic?"

April's expression fell slightly and she mumbled, "I'm not sure I do."

"What?"

"I am not sure I do have Matthew," she said, waving a hand at his confused expression. "Long story. But, the point is, with Jack-with...with Jackson, even when we were...we didn't work. I am never going to be the kind of woman Jackson wants a relationship with. I'm too neurtic. I don't think I can do casual. I'm-I don't know. Not good enough. For anyone."

Shane's frown deepened, and he felt a surge of protectiveness, "Don't say that..."

It wasn't true. None of it. For starters, he knew for a fact that Jackson Avery was not at all committed to Stephanie, no matter how much his roommate seemed to want him to be. The man clearly still had only April on his mind. Based on what Shane had heard Avery say in the bar the previous week, he was also well aware of the fact that Avery still felt a draw to his old best friend. He wanted her, and he knew it now. The man's eyes gave it all away. He loved her as much as she loved him.

And even if that weren't true, Shane knew his mentor to be more than good enough. She was a good person, who cared a lot, and was worth a whole lot more than she gave herself for, both personally and professionally. She was one of those women a guy should want to take home to meet his mother. The kind you'd want by your side. She just didn't see it. All she saw was the worst in herself and that's what she believed was true.

April Kepner didn't seem to know the power of her own thoughts.

Then again, Shane supposed, considering his own situation, neither did he. He chuckled to himself, remembering how their friendship began. His gross misestimation of her intentions toward him at Dr. Bailey's wedding. Too bad they really weren't attracted to each other. Then at least they'd have each other, instead of pining away for someone else.

Stephanie and Jackson still felt just out of reach. Just like Shane's dream of neuro surgery.

"I lied. I lied because I was afraid he wouldn't be okay with me not being a virgin...and he's like the one guy in this city whose ever liked me. He actually likes me and he goes to church and he is waiting for marriage. I was afraid the truth would mess everything up." April sighed, "And it did."

Shane scowled, "Did Matthew break up with you?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't see me before he was discharged. He won't take my calls."

Breaking up over virginity, or even a lie about virginity seemed like an incredibly stupid thing to Shane. It seemed so trivial. And it wasn't like one of those lies that were catastrophic or hidden out of malice. It wasn't an "oh, I'm actually cheating on you" or "I wasted our entire savings gambling" or "I am a serial killer on the run" kind of lies. It was a lie told out of fear and shame. If you really liked someone, wouldn't you be more interested in understanding why a person would be so afraid to tell you their truth, and not about the fact that the lie happened? Shane didn't really get it. But then again, maybe he was a little bit biased, since he seemed to know more of the story of San Francisco boards, and Jackson Avery than Matt the paramedic.

"I guess there are two kinds of people Shane," April said, looking at her hands dejectedly. "The kind other people want and the kind they don't want. It doesn't matter what you do or how hard you try. If they don't want you, they don't want you."

"Sucks to be us," Shane sighed.

"Yeah."

Looking straight ahead at the bare cement wall of the stairwell in front of them, Shane started to think. Why did they have to wallow? So, both he and his mentor had problems? Would a pity party really help? What they needed was a different perspective.

"You know what?" Shane turned to faee April. "That's terrible advice."

Dr. Kepner chuckled, "Well, it's all I've got right now."

Shane scrunched his nose and thought hard, imagining what the most influential woman in his life would say (and no doubt would say when she heard all of this) if she could see the two of them huddled in the stairwell.

"Big Mama Ross would say we both need a swift kick in the butt to make us see past our own noses."

"Big Mama Ross?" April inquired blinking rapidly.

He grinned, "My grandmother. She's not one to mince words."

"Ah," April laughed, genuinely smiling. And what would she want us to see?"

"That there are bigger things going on in the world."

She nodded, "There are. Much bigger things. Like wars."

"Yes!" Shane nodded. "But we...even if no one wants us. Right now. It's right now that they don't. This...is just a setback. It's still a part of our path."

"And we know that path is leading somewhere good?"

"You made here all the way from a farm and I made it out of the projects for a reason. All of this is happening for a reason. We just can see it yet. That's what Big Mama would say."

Lifting her eyes to the wall in front of them, April thought hard about what he was saying. Shane knew his grand mother would tell them to suck it up, and swallow the pride that made them feel bad. Because, no matter what, the positions both he and Dr. Kepner had in the grand scheme of things were privileged ones. They just had to remember how lucky they were.

"Did you become a doctor to be in neuro or did you become one to help people?" April asked suddenly.

Shane tilted his head. The two went hand in hand, but if he was really honest, helping people mattered more.

"Helping, I guess. I just always thought I would be helping by fixing brains..."

Kepner nodded, "I can get you a few rotations with Shadow Shepherd. He and I have an okay working relationship, and he's always looking for a protege. Everyone wants Dr. Shepherd instead you see, but Dr. Nelson is a very decent neuro surgeon and then at least you can still get some practice. But working with him isn't going to solve your problem. Neuro might not work out for you. I also think you should try to rotate around okay? And be open to it. Just because you think you still want neuro doesn't mean you'll end up there."

"Okay..." Shane answered sheepishly. He didn't like it, and he still felt pretty bad about what had happened with Dr. Shepherd, but he vowed to try to employ a new attitude from now one. He'd have to shift his outlook, even if he didn't really want to.

"Really explore," Kepner held up one finger. "I mean it. That's what intern year is all about."

They both slowly rose to their feet and she continued, "Aren't you supposed to be in the pit?"

"Yeah."

"Come on then," April said, taking the steps downward. "I'll help you out. We'll do it together. I'll show you this neat blood transfusion trick I taught the Syrian doctors..."

Shane moved to follow her down, grateful that he didn't have to run the ER alone in his current state, "Thank you."

"Not a problem," April grinned, despite everything. "You're always calling me your mentor, so, I might as well get some 'mentoring' in, right?"

"Right," Shane laughed, before his expression turned serious. "Don't sell yourself short, Dr. Kepner. and don't discount Dr. Avery either. You are better than you think. And he might surprise you."

The look on April's face told Shane that she probably didn't quite believe him. They continued walking side by side down the stairs. Shane thought that it was okay. If she didn't quite believe yet. Her face also said that she didn't fully disbelieve him either. For the first time in a long time, in all the time Shane had been covertly observing his intern, it looked like some progress was happening. April was getting there. Almost. And so Shane had sowed some seeds. The rest would be up to Avery to sort out. And April.

Shane hoped that they did.