On Monday morning when Hermione entered her office her first act of the day was to issue a most undignified scream and drop the files she was carrying in fright. There was a life-size cardboard cut-out of Cormac McLaggen standing in the middle of the tiny room winking at her and occasionally running a hand through his designer messy hair. It turned out that McLaggen leering at her was still just as disturbing, whether he was two-dimensional or not. As she collected her files from the floor she presumed that some sensible witch was looking for sexual harassment legislation against his merchandise. It wasn't until she reached for a quill some minutes later and noticed that her entire desk set had been replaced with McLaggen themed items that she suspected something else was afoot. Malfoy. His personnel review at the end of his first year at The New Ministry had infamously noted that he lacked a sense of fun, he had used it ever since as an excuse for bad behaviour. The month with the invisible whoopee cushions was the worst.
The truth was neither of them had had much of a sense of fun about their first year in Magical Law. Hermione liked to call it "Our Vietnam" but mainly because of the baffled look Malfoy got when she said it. The New Ministry had decided that Junior Officers were no longer a paid position just four weeks before they started. This, and the general lack of loans available in the wizarding world, had meant that the normal intake of ten juniors was reduced to just the two of them, most people couldn't take an unpaid job. Hermione had used her Order of Merlin money and Draco had lived off the pittance he got when the Ministry compulsory purchased the Manor out from under him. They were broke and doing the work of ten people for a year. They had been forced to find a way to work together or sink into oblivion.
It had turned out that they made an excellent good cop/bad cop team. Nearly everyone they dealt with obviously favoured one of them and despised the other. They were training to be solicitors and one of them was a Slytherin so it didn't take them long to exploit this weakness. They finished out the year with more strategic alliances than a pureblood debutante season. No matter how well they did it was still far more than any two people should have been asked to do so they pulled on all possible strings to reverse the decision on salaries for junior officers, got promoted and wrote themselves much more favourable contracts. Ironically they did this by threatening to sue under the very new House Elf legislation they'd spent the year arguing about.
When they finally got some junior colleagues, they found that the year on their own had made them incapable of playing well with others. Malfoy had no patience with "the oiks", as he called them, and even Hermione found it difficult to listen to their complaints about job stress. The Outburst happened the day she had overheard them complaining about Malfoy's attitude. She had lost it completely, shouting that without him they wouldn't have jobs or pay at all. The phrases "ungrateful lot of doxies" and "you can go soak your heads when you get them out of your arses" may have been used. The Outburst also turned out to be The Final Straw. There was now a functioning Cold War in place in the department. Hermione had worried about it for months until Malfoy pragmatically pointed out that trying to compete with them meant the Juniors got something close to acceptable work done. Every once in a while she held out some sort of olive branch to them, in the hopes that things would get better but it never achieved much.
All of this isolation meant Malfoy's required "sense of fun" could only be expressed towards her. Whatever was going on with the McLaggen memorabilia was confined to their office. He might want to tease her but there was no way he'd cause her embarrassment in front of the rest of the department. He'd rather poke himself in the eye with his wand than have either of them lose face there. Oh he was merciless with her in front of clients, friends, collaborators from other departments but never colleagues. It amused her to think that there was a place where Draco Malfoy would always pick her side and wouldn't hear a word said against her considering how much he enjoyed slagging her off everywhere else.
"I like the way you nibble that quill sweetheart" said a voice.
Hermione jumped out of her skin with her second yelp of the morning.
"Mmmm jumpy is good too" said the cut-out.
She really was actually going to kill Malfoy this time. That or hex his hairline to rise every time he looked in the mirror. What was he playing at anyway? He had a meeting with a client first thing so she would just have to wait. She turned the cut-out to face Draco's desk, despite its protests, and ploughed on with the paperwork.
When Malfoy returned, about an hour before lunch, she had worked out that silencio didn't work on inanimate objects and that earplugs for her were a better defence. They worked best if she hummed to herself too, that way everything else was drowned out. This is why she shrieked and jerked in fright for the third time that day when Draco tapped her on the shoulder. His mouth was moving but she could hear nothing. When she unplugged herself she heard Cut-out Cormac loudly asking who "this ponce" was and proclaiming that he "didn't swing that way"
"How has your morning been?" asked Malfoy as if nothing out of the ordinary were occurring "productive?"
"Oh just peachy thank you. I so enjoy being propositioned by cardboard" she replied, her tone dripping with sarcasm.
"I thought you'd be more comfortable this way, you've been denying it for too long Granger, it's not healthy."
"And just what am I denying, other than the idea that you are a normal human being?"
"Your true nature Granger, lashing out at others is just a sign that all this pretending is causing you stress" he said patting her hand as she gripped the desk in an effort not to hex the smug idiot.
"I don't know, Malfoy, covering the office in McLaggen memorabilia speaks quite loudly to me of a true nature that you are repressing . I'm sorry, he claims he "doesn't do dudes" she said looking at him with fake doe-eyed concern.
"He did do Granger though didn't he? It must be difficult for you since the Weasel. I never put it together before but Krum, Potter, McLaggen and Weasel. Skeeter was right about you: you are a groupie. There's nothing wrong with it Granger. You like the bright lights, admitting it is half the battle as my wizengamot mandated counsellor liked to say."
"Groupie!"
"Admittedly I always thought you were a harpy but I was a few letters out."
Hermione could feel the rage bubbling up inside her and she did what all her training and experience taught her to do in such situations: she switched to advocate mode.
"And do you have any evidence for this supposition that isn't over five years old and wildly inaccurate?"
Draco responded in kind "Are you denying that you dated idiot celebrizard McLaggen?"
"I have most certainly tapped that sweetness" commented the cut-out unprompted.
"Shut up!" both the humans in the room shouted simultaneously. The offended cut-out crossed its arms and sulked.
"Do you really want to open this can of worms Malfoy? It's not like your personal life will withstand much scrutiny. At least I make my own choices and don't just get involved with people pre-approved by my mother."
"Why on earth would anyone need a can of worms? What ridiculous Muggle thing would you do with them? And my romantic past is irreproachable and certainly not filled with egomaniacal grandstanders who can't shut up about themselves even in cardboard form, thank you very much."
"Well it would be difficult if there were two egomaniacal grandstanders in the relationship alright. Why the sudden interest in my love life Malfoy? Are you entering the meddling Machiavellian stage of your inevitable confirmed bachelorhood early?"
"The revolving door of one date wonders is distracting me from my plans for world domination. I analysed what I knew and came up with a common factor. Your latest conquests aren't famous enough to hold your interest. I'm merely gently reminding you where your, ahem, heart really lies."
"As if spending every work hour with an ex-Death Eater wasn't limelight enough for little old me." said Hermione with a cloyingly sweet smile.
"Ah yes but I'm not famous, I'm notorious and you can't replace sex with work." Malfoy muttered something after this that sounded suspiciously like "much as I might try."
"Well I'm preventing your plots for world domination so there is a purpose in life after all. Get rid of the cardboard creep, Malfoy, before I get rid of your hair...permanently."
"No. There is a lesson in this experience for you, Granger, and until you learn it, famous boy stays." With that Draco stuck McLaggen's likeness to the floor in front of her desk with a silent charm so that she didn't know what he'd used. She decided not to dignify the situation with further comment and a frosty atmosphere settled in the small room that tried to accommodate both of them. Cut-out Cormac was still sulking so merciful silence reigned for the rest of the morning.
Despite the open hostilities Draco and Hermione, without even noticing it, continued to work together seamlessly. They were incapable of real discord as collaborating was no longer even conscious. She made a little displeased noise and he pulled open the top drawer of the filling cabinet beside his desk without looking so that she could walk over to it with her nose in a file and it was waiting open for her to rummage within. He said "curses" when he broke a quill and she sent him one from her desk magically without saying anything. He responded with a low pitched "hmm" and she with a "hum-hmmm" that meant thanks and you're welcome respectively. They moved smoothly around one another without really looking. He stopped swinging back on his chair when she needed to get at the parchment recycling bin behind him and she automatically held the ladder steady as he searched for something at the top of their stack of precedent scrolls.
It was difficult to see how Ron was supposed to know they were deeply at odds when he stopped by to ask Hermione to join him for lunch. He sauntered over to her and sat on the corner of her desk to chat.
"So Hermione join your oldest friend for lunch? Come on, you know you want to, I'll even let you tell me off about my table manners."
"Harry is my oldest friend and no I can't" said Hermione barely looking up "I'm meeting Mal." There was a chorus of tutting, tsking and Cut-out Cormac went so far as to raspberry as all three males in the office voiced their disapproval of this plan
"I don't remember asking anyone's opinion" Hermione snarled
"How did this tosser get back in your personal space?" Ron asked gesticulating at McLaggen with his thumb.
"Ask the other tosser. Apparently I'm supposed to learn some sort of life lesson and Malfoy is just the one to dole them out."
"O-oh Hermione swore" said Ron in sing-song voice "you're in trou-ble."
"Thanks for the commentary Weasel. How do we survive without your rapier wit normally?" Draco did look up. If Hermione was giving him the silent treatment, he needed his banter fix somewhere and he'd slum it with Weasel in extremis.
"Do you want lunch Ferret?"
"What?" Hermione exclaimed before Draco could do the same.
"If Hermione is meeting up with that prat that means you are here alone right?"
"Yes indeed Weasel. Two minus one is one."
"Well I wouldn't leave my worst enemy alone with McLaggen and as you are my worst enemy..."
"Good point Weasel. Let's go." said Draco getting his outer robes off the back of his chair.
Hermione stared after them open-mouthed and wondered if she had a head injury she didn't know about yet.
"Alone at last" leered McLaggen.
As the unlikely pair walked away from the office they could see prat-of-the-moment Malcolm Hardy coming towards them. There was nowhere to avoid him and just as he hailed them a great shout and thump came from the office as Hermione finally lost her cool with McLaggen.
"It's always the quiet ones who surprise you with their, ahem, antics isn't it?" was Malcolm's lecherous opening comment to Hermione's hero ex-lover and her war criminal colleague. Apparently the man was dangerously stupid.
"Granger? A quiet one? You have met her haven't you?" Draco asked with a throbbing vein visible on his neck. When Malcolm looked at him in obvious puzzlement that someone of his own gender would disagree with him Malfoy continued "Oh I see. Well just because you bore her to tears doesn't mean she's a quiet one."
Ron burst out laughing and they both walked away leaving a second open-mouthed and dazed person in their wake.
Draco didn't return to the office for an hour and a half. Not that he could stomach Wealsey for that long but he eeked out his after lunch coffee as long as possible. There was no way he wanted to witness anymore of Granger and 'Mal'. Perhaps Potter's rage about Granger's love-life was contagious. He had now ranted about it at length in front of Weasleys twice in the last three days.
He needed to get actual work done this afternoon and he couldn't do that if he was distracted with an annoyance that bordered on seething. When he got to the office the door was closed but he could hear voices inside. It was probably McLaggen but he cracked open the door just in case the insufferable Mal was still inside.
"You are a great girl Hermione and I really like you but I'm just not able to settle down at the moment." Draco could see the prat standing beside Granger's desk, his view of her was obscured by the back of cardboard McLaggen.
"Settle down?" Draco knew that tone. It was the deceptive calm-before-the-storm tone Granger used when she was coldly angry. It was the tone she used on people who she caught abusing their houselves, the one she used to use on him.
"I know you are disappointed babe and I'm not saying it'll never happen for us, I'm just saying I have to step back for a while and in the meantime if Prince Charming comes along on a big white horse" Draco could see him lean in and put his hand over hers "you should get on the horse Hermione."
The very idea of Granger in the role of damsel in distress was laughable. Draco managed to hold in his incredulous snort. Granger didn't. She failed to hold in her mirth as she thanked Malcolm for his concern and dismissed him. The most unbelievable part of this for Draco was that it was a obvious the wanker had used the speech before and yet he still had not been castrated or had his nose broken.
And so The Prat exited stage right and Draco was left standing outside his own office once again amazed at the very low level of male companionship Granger was willing to put up with. There had to be better men out there. He was going to have to take matters into his own hands.
A/N Thanks to everyone who read, followed, faved and reviewed, particularly the reviewers. I'm have great fun writing this, as I hope you can tell, and it's just lovely to know others are enjoying it too.
As difficult as it is to believe a real live bloke actually said that "get on the horse" line to a very good friend of mine once and he has lived long in the hilarious annals of Gobshites we have Known and Snogged. I honestly don't think I could have written a line that cringeworthily good. So ladies you are warned, he is out there and he is Irish.
It is a pet annoyance of mine when fic authors refer to Hermione being a quiet one. Where are they getting this idea from? She may be proper but she's not quiet! Draco was cooperative enough in this chapter to help me get some of that annoyance off my chest, let's hope he keeps up that mood and I'll have another chapter for you soon.