In the early part of the following week Harry and Ron turned up unannounced, yet again, to take Hermione to lunch. It annoyed her no end that they did this. Whenever she tried to organise time with just the three of them, the boys, as she still called them, were impossible to pin down to a day they could both make. Yet every once in a while they both turned up and just expected her to drop everything. It meant every occasion they had together started out as an argument.
"No."
"You have to eat at some point Hermione" said Harry with what he thought was a winning smile.
"I don't have time for a full lunch. You always do this, ambush me when I haven't time to spend catching up. We have a meeting with Susan Bones at half two and it's a quarter past one now."
"You'd have more catch-up time if you didn't spend so long resisting the inevitable" said Harry.
"He's right. You know I'll carry you out of here over my shoulder if I have to. It's what I bring to our post-war dynamic: I'm shameless now." said Ron with a shrug.
"You may be shameless but you're not stupid."
"Why thank you Hermione" said Ron with a wink to Harry.
"I'm saying that you know better than to try and manhandle me. You know I wouldn't hesitate to hex you where the sun doesn't shine and then tell Verity so she can do the same."
"Harry, you're The Chosen One, you carry her."
"I try to be less suicidal with my bravery these days, Ron, but thanks for the vote of confidence" said Harry. "I'll appeal to your stomach instead. I booked us a table at that little Muggle place" he said looking at Hermione with the same smile as earlier.
"The one that had the rhubarb crumble?" she asked, the hitch of pure desire in her voice. Harry nodded.
It wasn't fair of them to manipulate her like this. They shouldn't tempt her with rhubarb crumble: it was her weakness. With dentist parents she was only ever allowed fruit desserts. Crumbles and pies were the real treats and rhubarb crumble had been her favourite food since she was a small child.
Harry leaned in over her desk and whispered "You're an adult now. You can have custard too and no one will stop you." And with that her resolve, well, crumbled. She may have muttered a few choice epithets about the two of them but in general the walk to the cafe was a jolly one.
They'd finished a lovely lunch and were awaiting their desserts (rhubarb crumble with custard, apple pie with cream and Death by Chocolate) when things started to go downhill.
"So Ginny said that Mal idiot has scarpered, Thank Merlin" Harry commented.
"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed shocked that her normally gentle friend had said something so bitchy.
"What? You can't possibly have liked him Hermione. He's the worst one you've ever gone out with."
"Nah, there was that bloke who was trying to make Dragon Wrestling a sport. He was definitely worse" said Ron, spearing chocolate goop with his fork. "No matter how many times I pointed out that they are HUGE and can FLY and breath FIRE he still didn't seem to get it. I've never seen Charlie want to punch anyone before."
"I'd forgotten about him" said Harry pausing a moment to think "but Hardy was worse. Even Malfoy hated him you said. When an alpha-tosser like Malfoy declares a bloke insufferable you know he's in a whole new category of bad. I bet His Ferretness was delighted Hardy pushed off, wasn't he, Hermione? He's back to being the only tosser in your life."
"Oh I wouldn't say he's the only tosser in my life" said Hermione through gritted teeth.
"Have you found someone else already? Blimey that was quick" Ron commented missing the insult in her statement.
"No I haven't but I'm delighted to know that my life choices have so much support from my best friends" she hissed back at them both. This judgmental commentary was really ruining her rhubarb crumble.
"We do support you Hermione. We love you but even you have to admit that your love-life is a magical disaster area. You never bring home even an ok bloke. How is that possible? They can't all be tossers coincidentally, you'd have to hit on a semi-decent one sometimes?" Harry reasoned.
"So what are you saying? That I have rubbish taste in men?"
"Yes" they said in unison.
She really couldn't believe this conversation, quite apart from openly talking about dragons in a Muggle cafe. They had an unsaid pact that they didn't interfere with one another romantically, not since the almost-trio-ending debacle that had been her and Ron. Why was everyone deciding to suddenly step over their boundaries at the moment? Malfoy was in her face (not to mention her dreams) about goodness knew what and the boys apparently thought they had voting rights in her private life. Malcolm wasn't that bad, was he?
She said as much. "Honestly, Malcolm, just wasn't that bad. You're making a fuss about nothing."
At this they both started to talk at once. She wasn't able to follow all of what they were saying but the passion with which they were saying it was very clear. She caught the phrases "insult to Fred's memory" "defeated Voldemort all by himself" and "implied stuff about you".
She held her hands up to indicate that she understood. They hated Mal. Unfortunately they were too far gone to drop the topic in mid-flow but they did start to speak in turn.
"You're so great. What's with all the arseholes? It makes no sense, you don't even seem to like them that much" was Ron's exasperated comment.
"And I think Malfoy's wrong that only morons find you attractive because loads of blokes fancied you at school!" Harry exclaimed.
"WHAT?" was Hermione's rant-stopping one word response.
"Yeah at Seamus's stag everybody starting confessing to crushes they'd had and it turns out you were fairly popular but no one said anything because of me, sorry about that" Ron clarified with an apologetic shrug but Hermione's eyes hadn't moved from Harry.
"Malfoy said what?" her tone might sound cold but both Harry and Ron knew her well enough to know she was really, properly hurt.
"He said that epic-prats find you attractive" Harry said, much more apologetically, finally realising how that must sound to her.
"Right. Right. Because fancying me is something only an epic-prat would do, of course" Hermione said to the remains of her dessert. "And you just let him say that did you? What were you even doing talking to Malfoy about who I date? Was this before or after you were lunch-mates, Ron?" She looked at Ron's stricken face and knew the truth. "Oh before of course, that's what you bonded over, the burden my love-life is on all of you!"
Hermione rose and gathered her coat, bag and hat, muffling herself against the elements while trying and failing to contain her absolute disbelief that lunch had gone this way. "It must have been lovely for the three of you to find something in common at last! I'm so glad I helped heal that post attempted-genocide awkwardness! And I suppose you have a point, maybe I do have shit taste in men. After all, until this afternoon I would have counted all three of you in the four most important men in my life and it turns out my Dad is the only one of the four who isn't an unbelievable arsehole!"
With this she left, her scarf trailing out of her coat sleeve which marred her dramatic exit somewhat. It was ten past two somehow she had to get back to the office and calm down in the next twenty minutes.
Ron and Harry looked at each other over the remains of Hermione's abandoned crumble. If they had been unsure just how bad this situation was abandoned rhubarb crumble made sure they knew that she was more thoroughly upset than either of them could remember since the war.
"I can't believe I'm going to say this but I think we have to warn Malfoy" said Harry as he ran a hand through his hair.
"You dragged him into it so you get that bit of fun" Ron replied. "You might want to mention that you made it sound like he thought fancying her was stupid."
"And what are you going to do to sort this mess out?" Harry snapped putting on his coat and watching in disbelief as Ron continued to finish his cake.
"I'm calling in reinforcements, we'll need 'em." When Ron looked up from the end of his cake to reach for the remains of the crumble he saw Harry's puzzled expression and added "Ginny and possibly Verity."
Harry shook his head, why hadn't he thought of Ginny? It was possible that it was because he was an unbelievable arsehole.
Hermione walked, or rather stalked, to the New Ministry building. She hated apparating when she was upset; firstly it was too easy to be distracted and secondly she needed the time to collect herself and formulate a plan. She badly needed to calm down. She'd already lost her cool entirely in front of Harry and Ron, there was no need to do so in front of Malfoy. No, Malfoy was going to get her frostiest advocate manner. She'd been laughably naive to let down her guard around him. Moody's constant vigilance may not have been meant as advice to avoid heartache but she still felt ridiculous for having ignored it.
This pessimistic side of her personality wasn't surprised at the Harry-and-Ron part. It was depressingly reminiscent of their teenage years when they had failed to notice she was female with distressing frequency. She was genuinely hurt by Draco though. Obviously he wouldn't touch her with a bargepole himself, that went without saying, but she thought he'd be able to be objective. It was one of his good traits. He never tried to charm or flatter her, something she found refreshing since the war, so when he gave a compliment it was hard-won. Granted he'd never said much about her appearance but she'd presumed he found her acceptable at some basic level. If she weren't presentable and professional he would surely let her know, he was more than able to point out her faults.
Instead it turned out he found her so clownishly awful that only an idiot could think of her romantically. The part of her subconscious that had triggered those dreams must be feeling pretty embarrassed with itself right about now.
She'd trusted him. That was what hurt. Although they'd never formally spoken about it she'd just known he was sorry for everything that happened at school and in the war. He made very few references to their shared past. They had a silly habit of doing impressions of Snape and McGonagall in the middle of arguments but that just lightened the mood. They were friends, or so she'd thought. They were partners and she'd trusted him, trusted all three of them. It was like a real-life, adult version of a nightmare she used to have in school where Harry and Ron suddenly hated her because she was Muggle-born. In this version, the three men she was closest to, well that weren't her relatives, sat around thinking up synonyms for the type of moron you'd have to be to find her attractive.
Did she know him at all? He was unpredictable at the best of times but lately she felt he was even more inscrutable than normal. She had no idea what his point was with the whole Cut-Out Cormac thing, and that was just one example. His odd reaction to her break-up with Mal was another. He'd come back into the office just moments after it had happened and slammed things about as if he were in a temper. "Tell me you didn't sleep with that absolute arsehole" had been his only comment. She didn't answer. She and Malfoy didn't talk about their personal lives and she was sure she didn't want to start, not if it meant hearing running commentary on his latest conquests. He'd lost his temper with her again after the first dream. That whole night brought up lots of questions but one of them was why had Malfoy left in a snot that he'd remained in ever since? What right did he have to annoyed? She was the one betrayed by her subconscious.
This analysis did little to calm her down. If she were cross-examining herself she would have pointed out that it appeared her friendship with Malfoy was entirely illusory. What evidence could she present that it existed other than for over three years they had managed not to kill each other? Did they organise to see each other outside of work? No. Did they share their hopes dreams and aspirations? No. She could almost hear Draco sneering "And we don't plait each other's hair either, Granger, what's your bloody point?". Her point was that she and Malfoy were nothing more than colleagues and she'd been a fool to think otherwise.
Frosty professionalism, that was the plan. Get through this meeting with Susan and get home courtesy of frosty professionalism.
"So let me sum up your barely comprehensible splutterings Potter: you took her out to lunch to cheer her up but instead you have managed to whine about how her love-life annoys you, imply she shouldn't be allowed make her own decisions, hint she's unattractive and, to top it all off with cherry, drag me into this mess. Is that about right? I don't want to leave anything out."
Harry was having such a vivid Potions flashback that he wasn't able to answer straight away. Did Malfoy know his Snape impression was scarily good? Was it even on purpose or could all Slytherins do it? These were question for another time, a time when Gryffindor courage wasn't needed to admit a big mistake to someone you had formerly hated. Deep breath Harry.
"I may also have told her that you said only idiots are attracted to her."
"WHAT?"
"That's exactly what she said, except even louder."
There was very long and ominous silence. All Harry could hear was Malfoy's deep breathing, he was tempted to remind the blond that he was an Auror and as such attacking him was a serious crime, it would certainly end his probation.
"I have just one question Potter: did you do this on purpose?"
"Which specific bit?" asked Harry with a grimace.
"The bit where you took what I said and twisted it so as to make it sound like I am just the sort of bastard she always suspected I am."
"No of course not! Do you think I would hurt Hermione like this?"
"No I don't. If you'd done this on purpose to fuck me over there would at least be someway to respect it but this is just your usual ridiculous good luck gone bad. Thank Merlin this didn't happen during the war or you'd have lost!"
It was hard for Harry to listen to such a succinct summation of his career out of the mouth of Malfoy but he certainly wasn't in a position to object. He could feel that Malfoy was about to dismiss him and he would have gone quietly, which is why it was such bad timing that Hermione walked in at that moment. If she'd been thirty seconds later he'd have been gone. His luck really had deserted him today.
"Granger..." Malfoy started in an annoyed tone but Harry never found out how the sentence would've ended.
"So sorry to interrupt such a sensitive meeting. I'm sure you have lots to discuss. It's just a pity Ron isn't here to make quorum for you" was Hermione's attempt at breezy sarcasm. She rummaged in her desk for a scroll and then walked back over to the two protesting males. She was deaf to any of their pleas to listen.
"Sorry Malfoy but I can't make that meeting with Susan now, here's my presentation you can give it. Everyone at that meeting will be too intelligent to look at me properly anyway."
"Where are you going?" said Malfoy looking at her so intently that Harry suspected he was attempting legilimency.
"I'm taking some personal leave" Hermione replied, not fully meeting his eyes yet her stance was still defiant.
"Take me with you babe. I can be all sorts of personal" said Cut-Out Cormac looking at her with very blatant desire. Hermione paused in mid-stride before turning and hitting the cardboard harasser twice with her large handbag. Then for good measure she sent a hex directly at his two-dimensional groin. Harry and Draco winced in tandem and Harry stepped fully out of her way. Malfoy stepped into it, blocking the door.
"I'll tell Bones you have food-poisoning but I expect you here tomorrow morning, Granger."
"Isn't it a good job that I don't give a flying fuck about your expectations then, Malfoy?" she shouted trying to get past him out the door.
"No matter how angry you are now, Granger, you have to deal with me sooner or later. You can't just sweep out of here and dismiss me from your life. I'm not Weasley. I won't go quietly into that good night."
"I don't know what you are talking about just get out of my bloody way, Malfoy!"
"Go on then, have your tantrum! Don't forget to slam the buggering door too!" he shouted after her as she did just that.
Harry had spent the last few minutes wishing he could apparate within the Ministry or that he had his cloak, or even a time-turner on him. This argument was worse than any he'd ever seen her have with Ron and he felt dirty, like a peeping tom, for having seen it at all. Malfoy stood seething by the door, his shoulders rising and falling in an effort to regain control.
"I'll talk to her. I'll explain" Harry said. It was a long time since he'd felt he owed Malfoy anything and it had never been a feeling he enjoyed.
"You've done enough damage, Potter, either she works out that I don't think that on her own or she never will."
"I can't just leave her that upset. She's my friend!"
"Bloody Gryffindors! Alright Potter if you must, Merlin knows no one has found a way to stop you yet just leave me out of it and get out. I have work to do."
Harry left their office and went straight to his, where he found Ginny and Ron waiting for him. This oddness seemed totally in tune with how the rest of his day was going. That morning, when his big worry was how to get his wand out of James' nose before Ginny noticed, seemed a very long time ago.
"How is she?" asked Ginny.
"She is very very angry, she hexed the bollocks off Cut-Out Cormac but as bad as that is I think we have a bigger problem."
The two redheads were turned towards him waiting for him to explain what on earth was worse than a pissed-off Hermione, so he just paused for a moment and then said the unthinkable.
"I think Malfoy is in love with her."
A/N Thanks for reading and sorry for the wait! Thanks again to my wonderful beta whytejigsaw.
I've loved everyone of your reviews, particularly the ones I'm not sure I understood :) I know I said Harry would behave better later in the story and here he is being a prat and a half but I'm sure he will behave better at some stage! I have little or no control over these characters! Sorry this is a bit angsty but I have humourous intentions I promise!
Thanks for reading, following, reviewing etc I am just so chuffed with you all.