What had I done?
I stared at my shaking hands as I tried to light a cigarette, the matches snapping like tiny little people between my fingers. I could hear their screams in my head, their silent pleas.
Oh God.
He would kill me for this. I knew he would. He would pull me towards him in a swift movement, bringing his switch blade up to draw a necklace of blood along my throat. He would watch me without mercy as I twitched on the ground and breathed my last. Or worse he would leave.
No, don't think like that. It would be okay. I could get rid of the thing, I had any number of idiots at my disposal to deal with this. He would never have to know.
I'd never known this sort of feeling before but it was definitely bad. Maybe it was guilt. It made me feel a kind of queasy ache in my stomach muscles. It made me hate myself.
It hadn't even been good. I thought maybe the release would have helped me calm my harried thoughts. It was of benefit to me, he should know that. He couldn't just decide when I needed to be held or touched. It was his fault for ignoring me, for disappearing for weeks on end.
Why didn't he just understand that I need him. He couldn't do this to me.
How could you do this to him?
Shut up, shut up! It wasn't like that.
Then what was it like Jim? Was it good, was it worth it?
No, I whined to myself. Maybe, I don't know. It wasn't him.
He had been beautiful though. Those incredible blue eyes, so absorbing and captivating. They reminded me of him.
You slept with another man Jim, he's not going to forgive you for that.
No, no, don't say that. He has to!
I don't have to do anything Jim.
Seb?
Seb, please.