Deacon sits on the couch staring at the wall. The room is dark. He hasn't bothered to turn on any lights. He feels like the darkness sets a better tone for his mood. He is brooding quietly, allowing his self-pity to fester. He thinks of all of the mistakes he has made and he realizes that Rayna might have made the right decision by keeping Maddie away from him for so long.
How am I supposed to do this? I always fall short. I can't really be a father.
Since leaving the hospital, his thoughts have spiraled out of control. Almost losing Rayna had made him realize how much he wanted her. It had made him realize that he could forgive her for anything, as long as she was by his side. Unfortunately, the whole incident had reminded Rayna of his greatest vice. She had pushed him away violently, saying that it would be best for both of them if they were no longer romantically involved.
I'm not good enough. Rayna doesn't even want me anymore.
It rips him apart inside to think about living life without Rayna. She is the only woman he has ever loved. She is the only woman that he will ever love. He wants to run to her and never leave her side. He wants the heartache to stop. He doesn't want to feel the pain anymore. He wants to drink. He wants to be numb.
Don't be stupid, Deacon. That's exactly what got you into this mess in the first place. Hell, that's even why you aren't the one who has been married to Rayna for the past 14 years.
He is beating himself up over everything. He wants to prove himself to Rayna. He wants to prove that he can be a great father. The only problem is that he doesn't know if he even has what it takes to be someone's father. His whole life, he has been the one who needs to be taken care of.
How can I be responsible for another human being if I can't even be responsible for myself?
Rayna has always been his support system. He had gotten sober for her. He had done everything for her. And yet, she had been lying to him for so long. She had broken his heart twice, in his greatest hours of need.
Where can I turn now? I don't even know how to live without relying on her. But maybe she's right. We've both caused each other so much pain. Maybe it's best if we just cut all of our romantic ties and focus on Maddie.
Even the thought sounds bitter in his head. He knows that it is all wrong. The only thing that feels right is being with her, holding her in his arms. He only feels whole when he is with her. She truly completes him.
We've never been able to escape each other. This time won't be any different.
The thought is calming but at the same time, Deacon wonders if he is only fooling himself. Perhaps this is actually the final straw. Maybe the accident is the one thing that Rayna won't be able to forgive him for. She had forgiven him the many times he had shown up late, missed anniversaries, stayed out drunk all night, and stomped all over her heart, but this time his mistake had almost caused her to lose her life. It had also greatly affected her daughters. Maybe this mistake was the one mistake that she couldn't forgive him for.