Woah, y'all. So I wanted to try the whole cliff-hanger thing, but then life kind of got away from me and I left you guys hangin' for far too long. My bad. Hope you're still with me. This one is extra long just to make up for it. Let me know what y'all think! Love.
Jane felt a sudden emptiness at her elbow as she heard Maura turn smartly on her three inch heels and rush away. She tore her furious gaze away from the man now walking towards her to glance over her shoulder. "Maur! Maura, wait!"
"Jane?"
The sound of his voice made her furious. He had absolutely no right to be here. She debated internally for a moment, needing to go after Maura. To make sure the doctor was alright. But first, this asshole had it coming. Jane swung back around, bringing her finger up threateningly and pointing it in the FBI agent's direction. Gabriel Dean froze in place, now only four feet away from the detective.
"You," she all but growled. "You have no right, absolutely no fucking right to be here. I don't want to see you."
"Jane, c'mon," Dean looked around the room, trying to discern how many people were witnessing this spectacle. Everyone had their eyes glued to their work, but their heads cocked in the direction of the pair. "I thought maybe...by now..." he trailed off when the fire in Jane's stare didn't dissipate.
"Do you know how long it took for her to even speak to me again? To look at me? My best friend. And that was because of you. I told you something in confidence and you-y-you betrayed me," Jane was all but yelling now. She didn't give a rat's ass who heard her. "And it's all your damn fault, Dean!" The man flinched as though she'd struck him.
"Jane, I-"
"No," She doesn't want him to talk, doesn't want him to open his mouth. "Don't speak. You are never, ever, going to come here again. You are never going to speak to me, or to Maura ever again. Dr. Isles doesn't need to see you, or have any knowledge of when you're in town. And I most certainly do not. I had to beg her. Do you understand me? Beg. I almost lost her," Jane's voice cracks on the words, and they come out in a whisper, her chest deflating as the pain of all those months washes back over her.
Dean is watching her. He's taken a few steps back under the fury in her voice, but now, the obvious hurt there, the whispered confession brings him forward again. "Jane, I-I had to. Please, it was Doyle. We had to get him."
"I know," And she does. She understands. But she is still furious.
"What we had, Jane, I-" Gabriel rubs his hand over his face in an uncertain gesture. "Maybe we-"
"You need to leave," Jane says. "Now. Frost?" She calls, and her partner looks up from his desk where he'd pretended to be absolutely fascinated by his coffee cup.
"Jane?"
"Escort Agent Dean somewhere far, far away from this area of Boston PD, please. He can conduct his business somewhere other than next to my desk."
"Sure thing," Frost stands and Dean glares at him. The detective merely shrugs at the other man, not perturbed in the slightest. He heard what Jane said, and he knows how much she struggled after the shooting, how hard it was for her without the medical examiner around. She's his partner. The FBI agent can kiss his ass for all Frost cares.
Jane needs to go, to get to Maura. She's spent too much time here already, but she needed to make sure the agent understood exactly how much she detested him. "I mean it Dean," she threatened. "You stay away from us." And then she turned smartly and strode away, not looking back. Frost would handle it. Where was Maura? Jane had seen her bypass the elevator; she must have gone for the stairs.
The detective wrenched open the door leading to the stairwell, "Maura?" she called into the space and then started jumping down the flights, taking the steps three at a time. Two landings down, she stopped abruptly when she saw the honey blonde doctor leaning against the wall, facing away.
"Maur?" she approached slowly, unsure of the reaction she was about to get.
The ME turned to face her, dropping a hand from her temple where she'd been attempting to push away the impending headache, as illogical as that was. "How dare you?" she asks in a quiet, dangerous voice. A voice the detective has never heard from Maura. It's completely cold, unfeeling. And Jane thought she'd become accustomed to the iciness in Maura's tone, but that, that was nothing compared to the absolute frigidity the smaller woman packs into those three words.
"Maura, I," Jane is at a loss. "I didn't know he was going to be here."
"Oh, right, of course, Detective," and Jane steps back at the use of her title. Shit. "Of course. Just like in that warehouse, right? You didn't know he was going to turn up then either did you?"
"I'm sorry, Maura. You know I'm sorry about that."
"Sorry? Sorry?" The doctor's normally calm façade is crumbling. "You're sorry that the man you were fucking," Jane flinches. Maura doesn't swear. "just happened to show up during a secret investigation and shoot my father? The only living link to my biological mother. The one person who could have finally given me the one thing that I wanted, that I-I-I needed. You're sorry?!" The hysteria in Maura's voice is reaching a fever pitch. "Dammit, Jane. And then he just, what? Shows up today to woo you? To ask you to get back into bed with him, to fuck some more? And you said, yes, didn't you? Didn't you?!"
"No," Jane is adamant. "Maura, I didn't."
"I needed you, Jane. All those months, but I was so furious with you, with Agent Dean. But I couldn't do anything, I couldn't, couldn't function without you there. And that is your fault. I blame you for that. For making me need you. I was fine. Fine, before we were friends. I didn't need anyone. But then you come along with your stupid sarcastic comments and you put up with my incessant factual information and all of my, all of, all of me, and you make me a part of your stupid family and then, then, then you trusted a man you thought you had fucking feelings for. And you left me. You left me!" The tears are running down the ME's cheeks unchecked and Jane is struggling to contain her own.
The vulnerability in the doctor's voice is heartbreaking. This wasn't the way Jane wanted this conversation to go. She didn't want to have to hash out their residual feelings from the separation while their emotions were running so high. But the detective hadn't realized exactly how deep she had cut the doctor. She was aware of her own pain, her own loneliness, and had assumed that Maura had felt...something...similar perhaps. But never like this. Never something as horrible as this.
"You were gone, Jane. And I was all alone. All alone," Maura was breaking in front of her, coming apart. The brunette didn't know what to do.
"Maur," she put her hand up, as if to step forward and take the blonde into her arms, but Maura takes a wobbly step backwards, fear and hurt in her hazel eyes, glossy with tears.
"You don't get it do you?" Maura's laugh was high-pitched. "I need you, Jane. I can't do anything without you. I can hardly stand to breathe without you nearby. And Dean, he-he, he meant more to you. You trusted him with something that was our secret, my secret. You put him first."
"Please," Jane can't help the whispered plea from escaping her own lips. She knows that if Maura doesn't let her speak, the doctor will walk away, she'll escape, and Jane will be left behind again. "Maur, I didn't think, I just. I thought. Goddammit!" She turned and slammed her hand against the cinder block wall, wincing in pain at the contact as Maura jumped next to her. "I thought I had to tell him. That it was some sort of next step. That if I told him, he and I, we would," the contempt on Maura's face is causing Jane to lose all track of her thoughts. "Don't look at me like that, Maur. C'mon."
"Like what? Like you betrayed me? Because you did. That's what it was, Jane. A betrayal. And now he's here. I can't do this again, Jane," Maura rubbed at her temples furiously, trying to assuage the pressure building behind her eyes. "You may not understand what it felt like, but it was like dy-"
"No. He's gone. I sent him away." Maura stopped with her mouth open, staring at the detective in shock, tears still flowing down her cheeks. "I screwed up that day, Maura. I should never have told him what I did. You're right; I did betray you. I didn't think he would come after us. He wasn't even supposed to know what was going on in that building anyway, or where we were."
"But he knew, Jane. How did he know?"
"I'm not sure," she turned back to face the doctor and took a tentative step forward, letting out a sigh of relief when Maura didn't step away.
"Jane," it's quiet, but Jane catches it. The anguish there, the pain.
"Maura, I know, okay. I felt it too. It felt like I'd lost a part of myself when we weren't talking, like losing you was also losing me. And this past month, it's felt, God, so much better. Like living again."
"Yes," Maura nodded, studying her shoes now, refusing to meet the detective's gaze. "Yes, exactly. But when I saw him next to your desk, I couldn't think about anything except what happened with Paddy. It felt like I was all alone again as soon as I realized he was there for you. To talk to you. I had to get away, Jane." The pain in her head is demanding to be felt, but Maura knows that if she gives in to it, she'll go under. Already, her vision is blurry from the pain.
"I know," the brunette moved forward slowly, attempting not to startle the smaller woman. She reached out and touched Maura's arm, and the doctor leaned into the touch slightly.
"If I were to lose you again..."
"I know."
"I don't believe I would be able to survive it, Jane."
"I know."
"Technically speaking, yes, my body would continue to function, but me, Jane, my psyche, who I am, would be destroyed."
"Maur. Sweetie," Jane ducked her head and managed to meet the doctor's eyes. But Maura was staring, unseeing, at the concrete floor beneath their feet.
"Everyday, Jane. Every morning I wake up and wonder if today will be the day you'll grow tired of me just like everyone else. If you'll throw away our friendship for someone mo-more normal," Maura's breath hitched as a sob rose in her chest.
Jane finally allowed some tears to escape, the vulnerability in the blonde's voice demolishing any control she had retained. "Honey. I'm right here. And Dean is gone, he's not coming back. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
Maura was still lost in her mind, in the imaginings of what such a day would feel like. "I couldn't live without you, Jane. I could barely come into work every morning knowing that you'd be here. That we wouldn't speak. Dammit, Jane. How did I let this happen?!" the doctor's voice is growing louder again, anger tinging her words. "I'm not supposed to need anyone. I'm a perfectly capable human being!" The pounding in her head is making it difficult to see straight, let alone think. All she knows is that she was furious at Jane, but underneath that anger there was fear. Terrifying, gut wrenching fear at the thought of returning to loneliness and isolation, at the thought that Jane might leave her bed to return to one with the FBI Agent in it, leave Maura to face the darkness alone. At the thought that she might lose her best friend once again. "It hurts," she moaned, suddenly, unable to avoid the insistent pain in her skull. "Oh, God, Jane. Please. It hurts!"
And then Jane felt the shaking underneath her fingertips. She looked down at Maura's arm, and back up just in time to see the doctor's face go white as a sheet. Jane took the final step forward and caught the doctor's thin frame as she began to crumple towards the floor. "Maur!" Jane hugged the blonde to her, sweeping the limp woman up into her arms like a child. "Maura. Maura, sweetheart?" The detective didn't know what to do. Should she call for help? Would anyone hear her? She sat instead, cradling the doctor to her chest. She felt the beating of the blonde's heart, fast, but there, and Maura's breath ghosting across her neck.
"Maura. Wake up," She shook the small form in her arms slightly, and Maura stirred in response. Thank goodness. "C'mon, honey. Wake up. It's okay. I've got you. I'm right here."
It took another moment, but eventually, Maura's long lashes fluttered open and she looked up in confusion at the detective's angular face, now directly above her. "Jane?"
"Hey there," Jane smiled down at the ME in relief and reached up to wipe away some of the residual tear tracks. "You just collapsed on me. What was that about?"
"Jane?"
"I'm right here, Maur."
The doctor's eyes closed again, her lashes resting against her still pale cheeks. She looked like a porcelain doll, perfect and still, and Jane couldn't resist shifting the two of them so that Maura was pressed even tighter into Jane's body. The closeness caused Jane to relax, her own adrenaline to dissipate. It had all happened so fast, she hadn't even realized that her body had jumped into survival mode. Maura's breathing was light, but even, and she seemed content to merely remain in Jane's arms for the time being.
After several moments during which time Jane debated internally about carrying Maura back up the flight of stairs to homicide, calling for help, or simply waiting for someone to stumble upon the two of them in the stairwell, the blonde shifted and sat up a little bit. "We need to get some fluids in you," Jane said. "Do you think maybe you wanna try to stand?"
"Not yet," Maura's voice was soft.
"Okay."
Ten more minutes passed. "Jane?"
"Hmm?" Jane rumbled.
"I'm sorry I said those things to you."
Jane shrugged. "They needed to be said. We finally had our talk, I guess."
"It was more of a shouting match."
Jane chuckled, and Maura snuggled closer. "I'm sorry I ran away."
"It's okay. I'm sorry I didn't follow you right away. I just had to make sure that he understood. That he wouldn't bother...us...again," Jane had hesitated. She didn't know exactly how to take everything Maura had revealed to her. How to interpret the deep level of need the doctor had expressed. Wasn't sure what it meant that her own feelings seemed to have mirrored the ones the doctor was feeling.
After a few more minutes, Maura was able to get shakily to her feet, leaning heavily on Jane's arm. "I could carry you..."
But Maura refused, shaking her head no. "Just take me home, Jane. Please."
Jane couldn't say no when Maura looked at her like that, hair unkempt and eyes still red and watery from the tears she'd shed earlier. So instead, she wrapped her arm around the doctor's thin waist, unhappy with how skinny and frail the smaller woman felt under her unusually gentle touch, and led them slowly down the last couple of stairs and out onto the floor where they could catch the elevator. Jane avoided the eye of anyone they passed on their way out of the precinct. She was sure that word would get around sooner rather than later that Detective Jane Rizzoli had been seen supporting a dead-looking Dr. Isles out of Boston PD that evening, but she didn't care.
Maura seemed too focused on remaining upright to notice the stares. She didn't speak again and when Jane finally lowered her into the passenger seat of the Prius, the doctor simply closed her eyes and let out a tiny sigh, lips pressed tightly together in a thin, white line. Jane tried to think of what to say on the ride back to Maura's house, but the doctor obviously wasn't in the mood to talk. She'd started rubbing her temples with a shaking hand, no longer caring whether or not the detective noticed.
Jane parked in the driveway and got out, then made her way over to the other side and opened Maura's door. The doctor made no move to get up, her gaze fixed straight ahead. So, Jane reached down and gently pulled the doctor up beside her, allowing Maura to rest most of her weight on the detective's left side. "We're home, Maur."
She unlocked the door and pulled them both inside, maneuvering them around Bass who was sitting in the hallway. Maura seemed not to have noticed her pet, in fact, it hardly seemed like she noticed they were moving at all. She was merely putting one foot in front of the other in a robotic fashion. It was starting to freak the detective out. She wasn't sure what caused the other woman to pass out in the stairwell. If it was the stress of the moment or something else, maybe the headache Maura was obviously fighting. Jane was out of her element here.
When they reached the stairs leading up to the master bedroom, Jane eyed them carefully. Sizing them up, trying to determine what the best course of action would be. Maura simply stood at her side, gazing off at nothing, her face white and her breathing shallower after the walk from the car. Eventually, Jane decided the easiest course of action would be to simply take charge of the situation, something she prided herself on being excellent at.
"Sweetie?" She tried, but when the pet name got no response, Jane shrugged. She moved Maura's arm around her shoulders and then bent to lift the doctor up. Jane may have been skinny, but she was also strong, pure muscle, really, and so she managed to carry the other woman up the steps with little hassle. When they got to the bedroom, she set Maura down on the bed. Still no response.
Jane gently unzipped the ME's dress and slid the doctor out of its silken embrace. She tried not to notice the swell of the other woman's breasts, pushed up firmly by the black lacy bra, or the matching panties down below. She forced herself to keep her eyes on Maura's unresponsive face as she redressed the other woman in a pair of her own boxer shorts and a sleep shirt. Now was not the time to let her physical reaction trump her self control. Besides, you didn't check out your best friend while she was exposed and vulnerable in front of you. You didn't check out your best friend ever. But the detective couldn't help the rush of heat that swooped through her when Maura's thinly clad breasts brushed against her own chest as Jane pulled the shorts up over the doctor's legs. She tried her best to ignore it, but it was more challenging than getting a confession out of a difficult perp. It was like her own personal version of hell.
She was thankful once the doctor's exquisite, shit, nice, shit, perfect, oh hell, breasts were hidden underneath the baggy Red Sox tee. Maura was still seemingly unaware of her circumstances, so Jane picked her up again and laid her head down on the pillow, pulling the covers up around the smaller woman, tucking her in.
She knew Maura probably needed to get some water into her, to rehydrate, to eat something, maybe even to go to the doctor, but she didn't want to push it. She'd let the other woman try to sleep it off, and then it'd be time to have that other conversation. The one Jane had been ignoring, figuring Maura would bring it up when she was ready, if it was serious. The one about why Maura didn't have an appetite, why she was hiding headaches from Jane, why she'd started squinting while reading the paper in the mornings. Tomorrow would be the time for that conversation.
Jane hovered over the doctor, whose eyes had closed as soon as Jane had laid her head down on the pillow, knowing she needed to call her mother for advice, as well as Frost. She'd been unable to get the file she needed or her gun, which was locked up in her desk at the precinct; she hadn't needed it in court all day. She needed to call Frost and ask him to drop them off at Maura's for her. She was sure that, by now, he'd heard about her and Maura's exit from the precinct. Word traveled fast, especially when it involved a detective who'd just told off an FBI agent in front of the entire homicide department, and the Chief Medical Examiner who'd appeared as if Death himself had gotten up off of her table in the morgue and come calling. She was sure Frost would be curious, but wouldn't ask any questions. He was good about that sort of thing.
The detective paused though, studying the drawn face of her best friend. Maura's lashes were still stuck together from her earlier tears and the dark circles under her eyes were a deep purple. Her cheek bones seemed to jut out from her thin face, giving the still woman a drawn, gaunt look. Jane needed to call her mother, yes. And Frost. She needed to take care of Maura though. Maura. God, she was so beautiful, even like this: exhausted and worn down.
Jane walked around to her side of the bed and kicked off her boots, then crawled under the covers. She curled her body around Maura's, wrapping her arm tightly around the smaller woman's waist, pulling her close and inhaling the scent of Maura's shampoo. The detective had understood what Maura had meant earlier, about feeling so utterly alone when the two had been fighting. And this past month, she'd felt closer to the doctor than ever before, more alive than she had in weeks. She didn't want to lose that. She didn't want to put the ME through any more pain or heartache. Jane would do everything in her power to keep the good doctor safe, to fight whatever battles she needed to in order to ensure that the doctor never felt that pain again. She was willing to be whoever the doctor needed her to be: friend, protector, bad-ass cop. But she wasn't going anywhere, and she was determined to make sure Maura knew that, to reassure the blonde again, and again if need be, that she was there and nothing would tear them apart again. The detective refused to allow it. Through sheer force of will if need be.
As she fell asleep, worn out from a full day in court and the emotional gauntlet of emotions the past hour had put her through, Jane knew that she wouldn't be able to avoid it for long, that horrible, nasty little word. The one that started with an "L." No, she wouldn't be able to ignore it, but that didn't mean she had to do anything about it, not yet at least. Maybe someday. Jane pressed a kiss to the doctor's blond curls. Hopefully someday. She shifted so it felt more as though she and Maura were one person instead of two, and then evened out her breathing until their chests were rising and falling in unison. Oh, God.
"I love you," she whispered. Saying it out loud was like coming up for air after drowning. It lifted a weight that had been pressing down on her chest, freeing her from a bondage she hadn't even realized she'd been under. She knew it was true: that even if Maura didn't feel the same way, Jane didn't care. That she felt the way she felt and there was no changing that, no going back.
She'd told Dean about Paddy Doyle because she had hoped that maybe it would make her feel...connected to the agent. She had liked Dean, had liked other men that she'd slept with in the past. But she'd never felt this overriding need to be near someone, to know they were safe, to feel them beside her in bed. She needed Maura like she imagined an alcoholic needed the drink. Except Maura didn't numb Jane, but, instead made her feel ... everything, more alive. Maura heightened Jane's every sensation, every perception. She wasn't going to lose the doctor, she vowed to herself. No matter what. Even if they were just friends who slept in the same bed at night to ward off the nightmares, and keep the blackness at bay. Even if she had to keep her feelings to herself forever. She wouldn't give the doctor up for anything. She wasn't about to put their friendship in danger ever again. "I love you, Maura Isles," she whispered again. Oh, God, hopefully someday.
AN2: Thoughts?