AN - Y'all are feisty, and I love it! Keep those reviews coming. This one is kind of choppy, but I couldn't seem to get it right. But, thanks for sticking with me through the slow build. Our two favorite ladies will get there. Things are a'comin'. I promise. Love.
After dropping Maura safe and sound in the morgue, Jane made her way up to Homicide. She'd insisted on driving, on escorting Maura to the café, where, thankfully, Angela was absent. She'd listened with half an ear as Maura had described the health benefits of green tea versus caffeinated coffee, nodding when appropriate and shooting Maura annoyed glances when called for. It was fairly easy to keep Maura talking when you knew what you were doing. Although Jane often acted as though Maura's incessant googlemouth frustrated her, she really did pay attention to the good doctor's ramblings...most of the time. This morning had not been one of those times. But, in the grand scheme of things, Jane assumed that Maura would forgive her.
The detective had then insisted on riding down to the morgue with the blonde, making sure Maura was settled in behind her desk before Jane made her own exit. Maura had tried to insist that she was capable of beginning the work day on her own, but Jane had ignored those comments as well. Although she may have acted nonchalant and relaxed when she woke up in Maura's bed that morning, the detective was anything but calm.
Relieved as she was that Maura had finally made a doctor's appointment, and that she had brought Jane in on it, the detective was struggling. Her emotions were going haywire, and she couldn't seem to get them under control. Jane liked being in control. She prided herself on her ability to get a handle on a situation, to be the steady man in a storm. And, on the outside, for Maura, she was. She had offered to take the blonde to meet this Dr. Wilde later that afternoon like it had been no big deal. She'd managed to hold it together the entire drive in to the precinct, keeping her mouth shut and eyes on the road.
But inside, she had been bursting with questions. Did Maura have any idea what it might be? The doctor didn't guess, but she must have some sort of scientific hypothesis or whatever. What were her symptoms exactly? How long had she been hiding them? Was it really so serious? How worried, exactly should Jane be? She'd kept all such questions to herself, focusing instead on the fact that she'd be taking another afternoon off from work, that Frost and Korsak would be curious as to why, that she felt as if she were drowning in guilt. God, it was going to be a long morning, had been the most present thought.
Jane walked off the elevator with none of her usual swagger. She sat dejectedly down at her desk.
"Morning, Jane," Korsak said.
"Morning," she grunted. When she caught the curious glance Vince shot Frost over her head, she forced herself to straighten in her seat and clear her throat. "Morning," she managed a bit more strongly. Thankfully, both men knew better than to ask what was bothering her.
She tapped her desk with a long finger thoughtfully for a moment, "Is Cavenaugh in?"
Frost glanced in the direction of their superior's office. "I saw him come in about twenty minutes ago."
Jane popped out of her chair. "Thanks." Maura may have been able to take days off willy-nilly because she had an entire army of little forensic minions underneath her, but Jane was sure her boss would not appreciate it if the detective suddenly disappeared for another afternoon. She took a deep breath and then knocked firmly on the door, waiting for her boss to call her in, before entering.
"Rizzoli," Cavenaugh said gruffly when he looked up from the file open in front of him to find the woman standing awkwardly in front of his desk. "Did you and Frost clear that Richardson case?"
"Yes, sir," she answered.
"And court yesterday?"
"It went well, sir. They should be closing today." The brunette realized she was rubbing the scars on her palms nervously and forced her hands to still.
"Well done," Cavenaugh commented.
"Thank you, sir." There was a pause. "Sir," she began.
Cavenaugh was staring at her. Jane was usually quite forward with the Lieutenant, and nervous Rizzoli was not something he was familiar with.
"I need to- I came to ask- I have to-"
"Well, spit it out, Detective. I don't have all day," he encouraged.
Jane bristled. "I have to take the afternoon off," she spit out.
"Again?" Cavenaugh leaned back in his chair. "You seem to be taking quite a few days off lately. Never thought I'd see Detective Jane Rizzoli slacking." He knew that would get a rise out of her.
"I'm not slacking off," Jane forced her words out around a grimace.
"Oh really?" The older man asked innocently.
"You don't want me to take the day off? Fine! I won't take the day off!" She turned and began to stomp towards the door.
"Detective," her superior's barking voice stopped her in her tracks.
She stared at him, fuming, and Cavenaugh could practically see the steam coming out of her ears. Sometimes she as just too easy. "Would you care to explain why you need the afternoon? Or should I send you down to evidence management until you cool your jets?"
"No thank you," she groaned out at the thought of being stuck in the basement with the moles. "Sir," she added grudgingly at the look on the Lt.'s face.
"So..." Cavenaugh pressed. He was more than willing to give Jane the time off. Hell, he'd give her a month off if she asked for it. Jane had been working homicide for five years and she only took time off if someone tied her to her bed and physically restrained her from entering the brick. He'd gotten into enough shouting matches with the stubborn woman about medical leave and using her vacation time to last a lifetime. But, Cavenaugh liked to see his best detective squirm. At least a little bit.
Jane, meanwhile, was staring at her boss. She knew he wanted an explanation for her recent string of absences, but she couldn't give him one, not a truthful one anyway. It wasn't exactly her place to explain to her boss that his Chief Medical Examiner was suffering from some sort of physical illness. That was Maura's explanation to give. She didn't really want her boss to understand exactly how close she and the doctor were either. That was their own personal business. Sure, they might have called themselves best friends, but Jane was aware that, to outsiders, it might look like something...else.
"It's...personal," she stuck with.
"Personal?" Cavenaugh inquired, and Jane stifled the urge to swear at the man. That wouldn't go over so well.
"Yes, sir. Personal." She stared him down.
Cavenaugh almost laughed at how fierce Jane appeared. "Does this have anything to do with Dr. Isles?"
Jane stiffened at the mention of the doctor. She may have been the best interrogator in Boston PD, may have been able to hide her reactions and emotions from nearly anyone when she set her mind to it, but Cavenaugh knew Jane's feelings for Maura often lay closer to the surface than Jane would have anyone believe. When Jane finally opened her mouth to respond, Cavenaugh decided enough was enough. He waved his hand at her. "Fine, Rizzoli. Take the afternoon. But I expect to see you back behind your desk Monday morning ready to work."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir," Jane couldn't hide the gratitude in her voice. Normally, she would have merely stormed out, secretly pleased that she got her way, content in her insolence. But, she couldn't bring herself to muster her normal level of rudeness. She hadn't realized until he agreed that she was extremely nervous about being kept from Maura's appointment.
As his door shut behind Rizzoli, Cavenaugh was left to ponder the exchange. He'd been expecting Jane to walk out, still furious with him. But she had seemed...different, not fiery as he'd expected. Could this thing with the Doc be more serious than he had thought? He'd have to talk to Korsak about this. Cavenaugh had quite a bit of money riding on Jane and the Doc, as did most of men in Homicide...and he didn't want to lose out. It may have been unethical, but waiting for those to to catch on to what everyone else seemed to be aware of was one of the most entertaining perks of the workday. At first, he'd tried to shut the betting pool down, knowing that some would take it as an opportunity to rag on the best female detective the Boston PD had ever seen. But Korsak and Frost did a good job of shutting down any such talk, and Cavenaugh was more than willing to let them take matters into their own hands. What Jane didn't know, wouldn't hurt her, and he certainly had a lot riding on how it all played out. Hmmm...he mused. Once Rizzoli left for the afternoon, he'd certainly have to talk to Vince. Maybe the Sargeant could give him some insight.
Cavenaugh also knew that Jane if was taking time off for the Medical Examiner, and if Dr. Isles had been taking time off for illness, he might have to think about speaking to the doctor. It wasn't really his place; he wasn't her superior. But Cavenaugh truly cared for every member of his team, (well, except for Crowe; that bastard could rot for all he cared), but he made sure to support them all equally in his own way, even Crowe. And if the doctor was going through some sort of tough time, Cavenaugh would be concerned and as supportive as he could be. He may have come off as harsh and uninterested, but part of what made the Lt., such a good leader, was his quiet support. He'd keep an eye on Jane and Maura for now. It was the least he could do.
Unsure what to think about her impromptu meeting with Cavenaugh, Jane sat back down at her desk, avoiding the looks from her partner and Korsak. They could wonder all they wanted. Jane wasn't about to hash out what had just happened with anybody else. Jane was unsure how to proceed. Normally, she would run straight for the morgue in order to bitch and moan about how unreasonable and controlling her boss was. But, Jane didn't have a lot of experience with just...getting her way. Usually she had to fight for every single success. She was used to fighting, to arguing, to proving to everyone around that she deserved to be here, to be a member of Boston Homicide, deserved their respect, and their trust. And the Lt., yes, he'd made her grovel a little, but it had been unnaturally easy to get him to agree.
Jane finally decided that maybe she should just go with it, take the time off without complaint. It didn't say anything negative about her that Cavenaugh so willingly gave her a pass to be absent from the Brick...did it? No. It couldn't. She did have a reputation of pulling ridiculous hours and racking up major vacation time that she never used. In fact, Jane was fairly certain that she could have taken an entire month of paid vacation by now. Maybe, her boss knew that. Maybe. Or could he possibly know something about Maura. What if Maura had talked to him about it? Knowing the responsible and ever professional doctor, Jane could see Maura informing Cavenaugh of her condition, or whatever the hell it was, merely out of professional courtesy. But, no. Maura hadn't told anyone. She hadn't simply been hiding it from Jane, but from all of the Rizzoli's, and everyone at BPD.
Which then caused Jane to wonder if Maura hadn't also been attempting to hide from herself. It was so un-Maura like to have gone this long, however long that had been, without searching for a reason, for a definition or an explanation. Maura lived for science, for finding the truth. She couldn't tell a lie, for goodness' sake. But she could flit around the truth better than anyone Jane knew, the detective mused. Maura was a master at avoiding sensitive information and still presenting the facts. Perhaps she had used her skills against herself.
Following this line of thought, Jane was drawn deep into her musings. She didn't even notice when a call came in, which Korsak answered and left to attend to. Flipping on her computer, she remembered the name Maura had mentioned, Dr. Wilde, Dr. Ryan Wilde, an old 'acquaintance' from before she and Jane had ever met. Jane may not have understood all the medical definitions and crap, but she did understand people. She wasn't planning on going into this meeting completely unprepared. Maura had said that Dr. Wilde had won a bunch of awards. The detective decided to do what she did best. So she spent the rest of the morning learning all she could about Dr. Wilde and his field, packing her brain so full of neurological terms, she thought it might explode, determined to know as much as she could, so she didn't look like a fool in that meeting, so she could support Maura in whatever way she could. Jane didn't know what was going to happen at three o'clock, but she did know that she wanted to be as ready for it as possible.
At two in the afternoon, Maura was surprised by a knock at her door. True to her word, she'd taken it easy, spending the entire day behind her desk, looking through old files and researching the effects of freezing on potential victims. She'd gotten interested in the field after a recent case, and planned on learning as much as she could on the subject. When she looked up and found Jane standing in the doorway, grinning shyly at her, she saved her research and flipped off the monitor.
"Jane! You're early," she enthused.
Jane shrugged and entered the office, "I thought we might head up to the café and grab some lunch before we go."
Maura had avoided thinking about the doctor's appointment as much as possible. It was merely a meeting with an old colleague. Maura assumed Dr. Wilde would merely take a medical history, ask several questions about her symptoms, and perhaps run several tests. Maura was aware that she should be nervous, or anxious, or some other anticipatory emotion. But, knowing Jane would be with her, calmed her, as well as the fact that the doctor could, on her own, come to several scientific explanations for her recent physical discomfort, and therefore was merely prepared for her own hypotheses to be either confirmed or thrown out. That was the way science worked. Maura trusted in the method. And so she allowed herself to mask her emotions with logic.
"Certainly," she responded. She stood carefully and made her way around the desk, packing up her purse as she went. When she looked up again, Maura caught Jane glancing over her, attempting to read her, but the detective glanced down as soon as she saw the doctor looking.
Maura wanted to put the detective at ease. She was sure Jane's own, less scientific mind and somewhat obsessive personality had caused the detective to spend the morning fixated on three o'clock. Well, she wasn't sure, but she had caught herself hoping that Jane was thinking about her as much as she was thinking about the brunette. Maura may not have been worried about the appointment, but she had been fixated on the time because it meant she would once again have a reason to be near the detective.
"Maura?" Jane asked. The doctor had paused halfway across the room, lost in her thoughts. "Ready to go?"
"Oh, yes, Jane. Thank you for coming down. I most likely would have forgotten about lunch otherwise."
"Interesting case?" Jane responded.
"I'm doing some simply fascinating research on the effects of freezing on the breakdown of muscular tissue in a body over a long-term period, and how one might possibly identify a time of death after an indeterminate time has passed," Maura was so focused on her description that she missed Jane's grin.
"Sounds fascinating," Jane quipped.
"It really is, Jane! There has been little experimentation done on the subject and so much room for more research!"
"Thinking about hopping on the bandwagon, Doctor Isles?"
Maura stared at Jane in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand, Jane."
The detective merely huffed out a good nature side and took Maura's elbow, leading her towards the elevator. "C'mon, smarty pants. Lunch is calling our names, and I, for one, am starving."
"But, Jane," Maura continued to protest as the two made their way upstairs.
"It's an expression, Maur. Shouldn't you have, like, studied them or something. You're always so confused when someone uses one. You'd think you would've picked up a book on it by now."
"My interests have always tended less towards the anthropological side of things, Jane. My attention on the use of such common English idioms has often been distracted by other things. Perhaps you're correct, though. Maybe it is time for me to examine the subject further."
Jane rolled her eyes as the two stepped into the café. "Whatever you say, Maur. Just don't go all crazy on me about it. I don't think I could take more language lessons than you already give me."
"Those aren't exactly language lessons, Jane. I merely help you with your grammar from time to time. When it's warranted."
"Right," Jane growled, removing her hand from Maura's arm where it had been resting their entire journey up to the café, and stepping up to the counter to order for them. "Grab us a seat?" She threw over her shoulder.
But Maura was suddenly stuck in place as she finally perceived the loss of the slight pressure on her forearm. She hadn't even registered the touch while it was happening but, now that it had stopped, she missed it immediately. All morning, she'd been fighting her headache, fighting the pressure at the base of her skull and behind her eyes to read the small print on the computer screen, but as soon as Jane had appeared, her presence had overtaken all of Maura's senses. Her energy, her scent, her touch had overridden the ache in her skull, pushed the pain to the background. And now she was left stranded in the middle of the café.
Jane was only five feet away, but it seemed an almost insurmountable distance. And Maura was frozen. She needed to get them a table, to do as Jane had asked, but she couldn't seem to force her body to cooperate and turn away from the profile now presented to her. She allowed herself the freedom of examining Jane from the side. The brunette was tall and slender, and she leaned forward slightly as she spoke to Stanley, her hair falling down along her face, so Maura couldn't make out her sharp cheekbones or excellent jawline. And Maura realized, with a bit of a shock, that she was disappointed by that fact.
Before she was aware of it, she found herself directly next to the detective, her arm brushing against Jane's. The taller woman turned to her in surprise. "Hey, did you get us a table?"
"Um," Maura didn't say anything else, because now that Jane was looking at her, she had unrestricted access to examine the other woman's bone structure. It truly was exquisite.
"Maur?" Jane asked. "I got you the greek salad. Dressing on the side of course. Is that good?"
Maura nodded, noting the blush that was working its way up from Jane's chest. The detective was embarrassed by Maura's obvious examination, but she didn't turn away.
"Was the salad what you wanted?" Jane asked instead.
"Yes, thank you," Maura murmured. Her gaze flitting across Jane's pink lips. There was the sheen of lip gloss there, not lipstick, no, but something. Maura resisted the urge to reach out and run her finger across them. "Your bone structure is fascinating, Jane," she heard herself say, as if from a distance.
"Maura," Jane groaned, and then she turned away, and the spell was broken.
Maura took a step back, returning to a more comfortable distance. She glanced around the room, thankful no one was looking their way. What she had just done was not exactly socially acceptable. At least, she didn't think it was.
And Jane avoided looking at her as she picked up the salad and sandwich, Stanley had slammed down on the counter between the two of them. Maura let the detective lead them to a free table, and she opened her salad silently and began to eat, placing the lettuce in her mouth mechanically. Whatever had just happened crossed an unspoken line. Maura had allowed her desire to overtake her, something she'd promised herself wouldn't happen, and in a public place no less. The doctor chanced a look over at her companion from underneath her eyelids.
Jane appeared comfortable. She seemed to have written off Maura's comment as just another strange expression by the doctor. Maura breathed a sigh of relief, and focused more intently on her lunch.
Jane soon began to talk in order to fill the silence. And soon, the two were involved in a debate concerning Maura's involvement in Sergeant Korsak's diet.
"He doesn't need you to be his mother or life coach or whatever," Jane insisted.
"But, I enjoy helping, Vince. He's attempting to live a more healthy lifestyle and I am completely supportive of that, Jane. You should be as well," Maura gave the brunette a pointed look and Jane scoffed.
"He can eat whatever he wants, Maur. You can't just put someone on a diet because you feel like it."
"Well it's worked with you," Maura smirked as Jane's mouth opened and closed in disbelief.
"I'm not on a diet."
"Sure you are, Jane."
"I might eat a little healthier now, but so what?"
"You have significantly decreased your red meat intake, you now eat some green vegetables, and you drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink. That's a healthier eating plan than you were on before."
Jane stared at her for a moment, seemingly trying to come up with some sort of disagreement. Finally, she broke out into a grin, "How did you manage that?"
Maura looked at her in confusion, "Do what, Jane? You're the one whose eating pattern has been changed.
"Yeah, but, it's because of you."
"Well, perhaps I aided in some way, however - "
"No way, Maur. I don't know how you managed it, but somehow you've got me eating green stuff. Damn, you're good," Jane took a big bite of her sandwich.
"Language," Maura murmured.
Jane smiled at her and Maura felt a fluttering within her. The feeling only increased when Jane reached out a hand and covered one of Maura's. "Thanks for looking after me," she whispered. And Maura looked at their hands and then up into Jane's brown eyes.
"You're welcome," she responded, still somewhat confused at the turn this argument had taken.
Jane broke off the moment suddenly when she jumped out of her chair. "It's 2:30," she announced, and with surprise, Maura realized she was correct. "We should go."
They threw away their waste and headed for the exit, Jane in the lead. Maura felt suddenly anxious as they left the precinct. Jane had been excellent at helping Maura forget what was happening that afternoon, and in turn, the doctor knew that she too had been of assistance to the detective. But as they left BPD behind and headed for Maura's car, she saw the tension make its way back up Jane's spine, and she felt her headache building.
The drive to Mass Gen was quiet and strained. Throughout lunch, Jane had not brought up the impending appointment once, but now, she was gripping the wheel tightly, and tapping the other against the gear shift. Maura watched her for several moments, choosing to focus on Jane, instead of her own nerves. After several moments of hesitation, Maura reached out and looped her fingers in between Jane's, effectively stilling the detective's anxious motion. Jane glanced over at her in surprise and then focused back on the road.
"I looked him up," the brunette blurted suddenly. Maura waited. "Dr. Wilde. I spent all morning on it actually," she sounded a bit embarrassed and Maura gave their intwined hands a squeeze. "He looks good. Smart."
"He is," Maura agreed. "One of the best."
"Is it that bad, Maur?" Jane asked sounding suddenly smaller somehow. She had yet to address the reason for the visit directly.
"I don't know, Jane," the blonde answered honestly. "But Ryan is one of the best. And he agreed to get me in as soon as possible."
"How long?" Jane asked.
"What?"
"How long did you wait before making the appointment."
Maura tensed slightly, and tried to decide how to answer. "As long as I thought I could," she finally replied.
Jane pulled into a parking space, but left the car running. "I meant what I said this morning, Maur. About wanting to be here for you. And, whatever it is, I'll be here. No matter what. But, I'm not good at all this medical stuff."
"It's alright, Jane," Maura looked at her friend encouragingly.
"So, this could be nothing right? These headaches?"
"They could," Maura said softly.
"But you don't think they are?"
Maura tightened her grip and turned to face the detective, positioning her body so that she appeared completely open to the other woman. "I'm often dizzy, and my vision is blurred. I have experienced several events of syncope, and am suffering from a severe loss of appetite. I lose focus easily and have trouble following print. My depth perception has been suffering as well. These symptoms could be related to multiple different things, Jane. You have to understand that. But, I also ignored the effects on my body and motor function for as long as possible, meaning they have been getting worse. This appointment today could tell us many things, but I will be sure to explain whatever it is you want to know. I'm sorry I kept the full extent of it from you, but I want you there with me. And I am so grateful to you for bringing me. I understand if you don't wish to come up, but I hope you do."
Jane had listened carefully, not once looking away as Maura tried to explain the situation a bit more, something she hadn't really done that morning. When it appeared she was finished, the brunette took a deep breath, let it out, looked down at their conjoined hands, and smiled carefully at the doctor. "Well then," she said. "Guess it's time to face the music."
Maura felt the question on the tip of her tongue and Jane smirked.
"Expression, Doc." Jane let go and turned the car off and then opened her door. "I'm here, Maur," she said seriously, looking back at the blonde over her shoulder.
Maura opened her own door and stepped out onto the pavement. Jane locked the car behind them and then joined Maura on her side of the car as the blonde led them into the hospital. Jane reached out and grabbed the doctor's arm just before they reached the front doors.
"I want to be here, Maur," she said, almost forcefully. "I want to be here for you."
"Thank you," Maura responded, more grateful than ever that Jane was so strong. So incredibly strong.
Jane pulled her into a rough hug, and Maura let herself be held, rested her head on Jane's chest and heard the detective's strong heartbeat beneath her ear. They stayed that way for a moment, wrapped together, both unaware that the other was taking just as much comfort in the embrace as themselves. Jane was her rock, Maura realized in that moment. And no matter what Ryan discovered, or what her body tried to tell her, or how her feelings had been changing, Jane was her safe place. And Jane's arms were her safe harbor. And she never wanted to lose that place.
Seeming to read her mind, Jane's arms tightened around her and then let go, falling to the brunette's side. Maura stepped back and stared up into expressive brown eyes, darker than their normal soft brown, fiercer. Jane reached out and ran a single finger down Maura's cheek. She let it fall, but Maura caught her hand and wrapped it in her own, a tingle running up her spine as they fit perfectly together.
"Is this okay?" she asked softly.
But, Jane didn't respond directly, instead leading them towards the doors, ready to face whatever was about to be thrown at them, knowing there was no going back now, knowing that this could be serious, could be horrible, or it could merely be a scare, an overreaction, but also knowing that it didn't matter. There was no going back.
Their hands were clasped tightly as they stepped into the cold, recycled air of the hospital, holding them together, connecting them, keeping them upright, readying them for whatever was about to come.
AN2 - So, they're ready. Are y'all? Reviews are excellent.