Two updates? One 24 hour period? Blasphemy. PS - Y'all rock. Love.
Jane kicked at the rocks in front of her and huffed angrily when the pebbles went skittering off into a bunch of different directions. She hunched her shoulders and kept moving, no destination in mind, simply needing the release the brisk pace afforded her. She was pissed. And so she'd stormed off like a moody teenager, making her even more angry.
She was mad at Maura and Dr. Wilde and her stupid freaking boss who had just let her have the afternoon off like it was no big deal, like her own stupid issues were more important than saving lives and solving crimes. Because they weren't. They shouldn't be. But mostly, Jane was just plain mad.
She was angry that Maura had dragged her into that stupid appointment where she hadn't understood half of what was going on and then had left her sitting there, in front of Dr. Wilde's huge oak desk that was probably meant to be compensating for something, while she, Maura, went and had who knows what kind of tests done. And then Maura had come back and acted like it was fine, like it was nothing. And she hadn't explained, and true, Jane hadn't exactly asked, but still! And she was mad at Maura for even getting into this mess in the first place. Why hadn't the doctor just stayed true to form and gone in and gotten herself checked out right away? Why did she have to be so freaking stubborn an-and idiotic?!
Jane kicked another stone furiously. And why did she care so much about Maura anyway? The blonde had treated her like shit for three months and then never really apologized. She just acted all sick and weak, and so then Jane had to take care of her, because Jane was nothing if not a loyal friend. And today, with the hand holding thing. What the hell was that? It didn't mean anything, couldn't mean anything. But Jane wanted it to mean something, desperately. And that made her even angrier. That was weakness. That wa-wa-was ridiculous! Holding hands with your best friend wasn't some big, 'Look at me and how much I love you!' gesture. It was just a comfort thing, a friendly thing to do. Dammit!
Jane was breathing heavily, both from the physical exertion and her own pent up frustration. Her jaw sore from being clenched so tightly, her hands were balled up into fists. She was just so freaking mad!
If Maura would have just gone and seen somebody about this earlier! If Jane had just - had just - Jane swore loudly under her breath, looking around quickly, thankful when she didn't see anyone else nearby. Because she wasn't mad at Maura, not really. She was a little bit, but she knew, deep down, that none of this was the blonde's fault. That even Maura, with all her logic and facts, got scared. And she knew that if Maura was afraid, then she, Jane, ought to be terrified. Jane hated showing fear. She usually tried to bury it under sarcasm and humor. But she couldn't hide her fear from Maura. She always felt so-so naked when the smaller woman studied her with those big hazel eyes. It was like Maura just ignored all the bullshit the detective hid behind and saw her. God, that sounded corny to Jane, even in her own head. It made her feel like a goofy teenager.
But she had to admit that she was acting like some sort of teenager or child, storming away, all full of angst and shit. Dammit. Her pace was slowing, her breathing evening out, as she thought more deeply about her actions. This wasn't about her. This was about Maura. Maura. Beautiful, stunning, intelligent Maura. Jane's best friend. The woman Jane, what? Liked? Cared for deeply? Loved? Maura. Who was scared and hurting and probably feeling lost, alone. And Jane had run away. Again. "Fuck!" The expletive didn't seem strong enough to express her displeasure with the whole situation, but mostly with herself.
Maura. Goddammit. This was about Maura. Sure, Maura messed up, ignored the inevitable. But she was doing something about it now, and Jane had said she'd be there, had promised to be there. And now she was hightailing it out of the danger zone as fast as she could at the first sign of trouble. Why? Jane needed to know. She was digging her nails into her palm, furious with herself. Why? Why? Why? Forcing herself to relax, she took a deep breath and uncurled her fists, automatically starting to rub her scars anxiously. Scars that Hoyt had given her. A serial killer. A freak. But, Jane had won. She'd beaten him, killed him. And he wasn't the only one. Jane, together with Frost and Korsak, had saved dozens of lives, caught serial killers and rapists and kidnappers. Detective Jane Rizzoli was damn good at her job. She was one of the best Boston PD had to offer. She always got her man.
The brunette slowed to a halt in the middle of the sidewalk. She was the best. She really was. But this, whatever it was. This thing that had taken ahold of her best friend, that sapped her energy and made her dizzy and small-looking. This illness that caused Dr. Maura Isles to act out of fear instead of her normal rationality, whatever it ended up being, wasn't a criminal. It wasn't a bad guy that Jane could lock up and throw into jail. This wasn't a battle that Jane knew how to fight. And that, most of all, was what made her angry, made her terrified. She didn't know how to beat something faceless, nameless, silent. She wasn't prepared for the helplessness she would feel.
Jane loved very few people, but those whom she did, she protected at all costs. She would take a bullet for either of her brothers, for her ma, for Frost. And Maura, more so than anyone she had ever met, made her feel that...that need to be protective. Made her answer the phone with, "Whatever you want, I can get it," when Maura was taken by Paddy Doyle. Made her throw protocol completely out the window whenever Maura was in trouble.
Maura was smart. She'd once joked about how you only needed an IQ of 150 to be considered a genius, and Jane knew without asking that Maura's was much higher than that. And Jane knew that Maura was strong and independent. Hell, the woman had practically raised herself. But there was something about the medical examiner, something Jane didn't even understood, that caused Jane's hair to stand on end. Whenever Maura was with her, Jane was ultra-aware of everything around them. She always felt just the slightest bit on edge when she and Maura were out in public, always checking around them, feeling the need to have Maura close, protected, safe. Maura had never mentioned it, but Jane knew the doctor was aware of it. She knew Maura had noticed that Jane always looked into all corners of a room that they entered together, that Jane was almost never more than an arm's length away in a crowded place, that Jane always insisted Maura walk on the inner edge of the sidewalk, that when Jane spent the night, she checked the exterior and interior of the house and locked all the doors behind her before climbing into bed. It wasn't something they had ever discussed. But it was a part of their relationship, nonetheless.
And this thing that Maura had. Well, it wasn't something Jane was prepared to fight. It made Jane feel powerless. And she hated feeling powerless. But more so, it terrified her because she didn't feel capable of protecting the other woman.
Jane had turned around by now and was on her way back towards the ME's house. It wasn't about how she was feeling, Jane knew that. She needed to get her head out of her ass. She'd promised not to leave the doctor again. That first night when Maura was sick and Jane had gone over to check up on her, it was the first thing Jane had promised. And she'd meant. She still meant it. How she was feeling: incompetent, scared, unsure, none of it mattered. This was about Maura.
And even if Jane couldn't fight whatever Maura had, even if she couldn't face it head on, take it down in an interrogation room, she could still be there. She could support the blonde in whatever way Maura needed. Jane Rizzoli could still protect her best friend. Jane picked up the pace again, this time not out of frustration, but out of a desire to reach Maura as quickly as possible. The need to apologize, to grovel, and beg, to do whatever it took, was overwhelming. Jane Rizzoli didn't beg. She didn't. But she'd fucked this one up big time.
That moment earlier, when she realized that just holding hands with Maura was enough to make the detective feel the pit of warmth in her belly, which she was beginning to recognize as love, came back to her. She picture Maura in her mind. The ME's honey blonde curls and innocent expression. Maura never lost that innocence, even after everything she'd seen, everything she'd lived through. And Jane didn't want her to lose that. She wanted Maura to remain that way: always curious, always good. She needed to reassure Maura that she was in. Even if she couldn't explain why, or tell the doctor the way she made Jane feel. Even if she had to hide the depth of her emotion in order to keep their friendship, Jane would do it. She didn't want to ruin anything or make it change.
She wanted Maura; in whatever capacity it might end up being. And she wanted Maura to be looked after, happy, loved, no matter what expression that love took. Jane Rizzoli could do that. She could love Maura, even from afar. And she could be Maura's rock. She could be the good man in a storm, even if it was a storm she'd never prepared for. She could adapt. But first, she had some major apologizing to do. And then, she needed Maura to explain it to her, everything, from the beginning. She needed to understand as much as possible, so that when Maura really needed her, Jane was ready.
She closed the front door quietly behind herself, slightly annoyed that she'd found it unlocked. Maura: always so trusting. It was getting dark outside. Jane hadn't realized just how long it'd taken her to come to her senses and she'd gone further than she thought. There weren't any lights on, but Jane knew Maura was still here. She crept further into the house, avoiding the shadowy furniture in the hall with a practiced ease that almost made her smile. She knew Maura's house better than her own apartment.
Unsure what to expect, she peeked into the living room and let out a sigh when she saw a still human-shaped form on the sofa. Jane crept closer and waged an internal battle with herself. Finally, she decided sooner rather than later was best, and so she settled herself on the floor next to the end of the couch where Maura's head was. The detective allowed herself the luxury of several moments of uninterrupted time to study the other woman. Although Maura's pale face appeared relaxed, her lips were turned down in a slight frown. Her hands were clasped underneath her head and she was lying on her side, body facing Jane. The detective hated the way Maura's clothes seemed to dwarf her small frame. Maura's big personality and intelligence often made her seem taller than she really was, but in sleep, she looked almost childlike. The urge to take the doctor in her arms was overwhelming. The need to feel Maura against her, safe and sound, was pressing on Jane like an unbearable weight. Her actions from earlier caused her to blush in shame. What had she been thinking? She hadn't. Not really.
Jane reached out and ran a single, long finger gently down Maura's cheek. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind the ME's ear, and when the doctor began to stir, Jane didn't pull away. She waited patiently, not saying anything, allowing the sleeping woman to awaken naturally. It was only when Maura's lashes fluttered against her cheek and her eyes opened slowly did Jane remove her hand.
"Hi," Maura said sleepily.
Jane smiled softly at her. "Hi."
The doctor, still half asleep reached out a delicate hand and cupped Jane's cheek. Jane leaned into the innocent gesture. Neither spoke. Maura suddenly scooted over and patted the couch beside her. Jane hesitated for all of two seconds before taking the invitation and laying her long frame down alongside the ME. It was the first time either of them had initiated cuddling in such an intimate manner. They'd never laid this way on the couch before. Jane lay on her back and Maura automatically curled up next to her, her head on Jane's chest and her hand snaking around the detective's thin waist.
Jane held herself stiff for several seconds until Maura whispered, "Relax." She didn't know what the doctor was thinking, but she wasn't going to complain. Her arms came around the blonde automatically, holding her close. Jane was reassured by Maura's closeness, by the warmth given off by the doctor's body. She felt more confident with the ME so close, more at ease.
The detective needed to speak, but she didn't know how. Maura was all around her, muddling her senses, making her forget how stressful the entire day had been. She could smell the fruity scent of the blonde's shampoo, could feel Maura's warm breath on her neck. Where Maura's fingers were lying on her stomach, Jane felt a burning sensation, as though her nerves were more alive in that aware, as though Maura's fingers were scorching through her t-shirt.
"Maur, I-"
But the ME shushed her, and Jane automatically fell silent. Jane could feel Maura growing heavier next to her. The doctor's breaths were coming slower and more evenly. She was more comfortable squished on that couch than she thought she'd ever been, but she couldn't let Maura just fall asleep. They needed to talk. Jane needed to talk. To explain, and apologize.
"I shouldn't have walked away, Maur," she began. The doctor's body tensed slightly when Jane's gravelly voice broke the stillness, an octave lower than usual because she was talking softly and trying to control her emotions. But, when Maura relaxed again, Jane knew it was alright to continue. She had Maura's attention. She cleared her throat.
"I shouldn't have left you. I promised I wouldn't. So, I'm sorry. I just - I freaked out a little bit, okay, a lot. And I didn't know how to handle it all. I was feeling so-so mad at you, and I still kind of am. But, I was more angry with myself. I was mad at you because you waited so long to go to the doctor, but I was furious with myself for letting you get away with it when I knew there was something going on. I knew, Maur, and I didn't say anything about it," Jane was thankful Maura hadn't interrupted yet. "That's what a," she paused, "a best friend does. Friends check up on each other, and I didn't check up on you. You aren't as good of an actress as you think you are," Jane said, attempting to lighten the tension that had settled into the darkening room and in her own chest.
She sighed, "But that's on me. That anger, that's my issue, and I shouldn't have walked away when you needed me. I didn't understand a lot of what went on today. A lot of those words went right over my head," Maura's hand tightened on her hip. "But, I know you can explain that stuff to me. I was too hasty. You know me. Always jumping to conclusions, letting my emotions get the best of me," Jane paused and let the silence fill the space.
She wasn't all that great at big speeches like this. She licked her lips and continued on, "I think the biggest thing though was - " God, this was harder than she'd expected. "The biggest thing, was that I felt afraid," her voice dropped on the last word. "I still am afraid. I'm actually terrified," she let the nervous laugh in her chest come out. "I don't know how to help you, Maur. I've never had to- I'm not the Rizzoli that people turn to when they're hurting this way. That's ma's job. So, I don't know what it is that you need, that you want from me."
"I want you," Maura spoke for the first time, so soft Jane almost missed it.
The detective let that statement settle before she went on, "I want to be here for you. And I'm going to be. I just - I'm going to need you to tell me what to do. How to help you. And I'm not going to freak out again. I can promise you that," she is fierce in her sincerity. She needs Maura to really hear her.
"Thank you for letting me take you today. For letting me be there. It meant a lot. If you don't want me around I'll understand though," Maura's entire body tensed at the words and Jane regretted them immediately. "But, I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to," she hastened to add and was rewarded by feeling Maura sink back into her. "Today was - this afternoon was a-a fluke. I should have stayed, and been here for you. My own shit isn't important. You are what's important, and how you're feeling. I wasn't thinking about you, I was thinking about me, but that isn't going to happen. I'm here for you," she reiterated. "And I'm sorry. So, so sorry." That was all she had, all she could say for now. Jane hoped it was enough.
There was a pause. Jane waited, wondering if Maura was about to kick her out. "I accept your apology," Maura said formally and the detective let out a whoosh of air. "But, Jane," Maura tapped her on the chest, "Will you let me explain next time first?" Jane nodded against the doctor's honey blonde curls.
Maura raised her head and her hazel eyes sought out Jane's deep brown ones. Jane was surprised to see that there were tear tracks down the ME's pale cheeks. Maura stared at her. "I'm sorry, too," and Jane jerked back a bit in surprise. What was Maura apologizing for?
"I knew you were upset, but I didn't know what to say, Jane. I didn't know how to start explaining. I am aware that my actions were less than ideal, that I should have gotten into contact with Ryan - Dr. Wilde, earlier. I'm sorry if that was upsetting to you," now it was Maura's turn to take a deep, affirming breath. "And I'm sorry about before, about the whole situation with my- with my sperm donor. I never really did apologize. I treated you horribly when all I really wanted was to be friends again," Maura is no longer meeting Jane's gaze. "I missed you so much, but I didn't know how to tell you. I'm afraid I don't have much practice being best friends with someone else. That isn't an excuse, of course, merely a fact. But I wanted you to know how utterly sorry I am for putting you through that, avoiding your calls, and shutting you out like that."
Jane couldn't help but put her finger under Maura's chin and lift until their eyes met once again. It felt like a move out of one of those ridiculously cheesy movies that her ma always watched, but it felt right. There were bright tears spilling out of Maura's eyes and Jane had never wanted to kiss someone more than she had at the moment. "It's forgotten," she whispered instead, and she swore she could feel her heart melting at the shaky smile she received in return.
Feeling entirely too sappy, and, in order to stop herself from doing something she might quickly regret, Jane sat up suddenly, bring Maura along with her. "Well," she said, a bit too cheerily. "Now that that's settled. I suppose we should see if there are any of Ma's frozen dinners left in your freezer. I'm starving!"
"You can't be starving, Jane. We ate only several hours ago."
Jane grinned at the perfectly 'Maura' response. "Famished then?"
"Hungry," Maura corrected primly.
"Okay, Doc. I'm hungry. Now, how about you feed me, and explain all of that mumbo jumbo medical speak you Dr. Wilde engaged in earlier." Jane knew it wouldn't be a light conversation, but she could at least try and make things a little less stressful. "We have to wait all weekend for the results of that test you said, right? So I would like some answers now please, Dr. Isles," she teased, pleased when Maura smirked a bit. "Or else I'll sic my mother on you during Sunday dinner."
"Your mother is a not a dog, Jane," Maura admonished, following her into the kitchen.
Jane opened the freezer and peered inside. "Maybe not," she mused. "But she certainly can cook," and, with a flourish, the detective pulled out a frozen dish of tortellini. "Voila! We're in luck!" Jane set the food down on the counter and went to pull out a pot in order to heat it up. When she turned back around, Maura was standing next to the counter and she was crying. Jane froze. "Maur?"
"I just -" Maura gaze a very unladylike annoyed sigh. "I don't understand why you just forgive me! I was absolutely horrible to you, and now you're here in my kitchen making dinner."
"Well, I certainly didn't make it. Ma did," Maura just stared at her. Okay. Sarcasm was a no go.
"Hey. Hey," Jane had moved around the island by now and was standing next to the smaller woman. "C'mere," she pulled Maura into a tight hug. "We both said some pretty awful things to each other. But you need me, and I'm here. And whatever this is, whatever ends up happening or scary tests you have to sit through or freaky, weird medical jargon you throw at me, I'll still be here. I shouldn't have run off on you this afternoon. I needed my own little wake up call, okay?" Jane tried to pull away and look at Maura, but the blonde wasn't letting go.
"Honey," Jane soothed, the pet name making Maura seem to cry harder if possible. "Honey, I'm so sorry. I don't know how to fight something like this, Maur," Jane admitted. "You're going to have to help me just as much as I help you. But I promised not to leave you, and I'm not going to."
Jane has never been more sure of anything in her entire life, except for maybe knowing she wanted to be a police officer. But standing in Maura's kitchen, trying to express all the love she has for the beautiful doctor without a word, keeping the demons at bay, Jane knows that this is where she belongs. She'll do whatever she has to to keep Maura safe, even if it means jumping way outside of her normal, tried and true, comfort zone. Jane Rizzoli never backed down from a fight, and she wasn't about to start now.
What are y'all thinking? Any ideas?