AN: I'm taking a little liberty with the storyline in this one. Let's all pretend the episode "Cuts Like a Knife" happened in Season Two shall we? PS - Y'all are my favorite. Love.
PPS - No editing happened because I was super pumped to put it up. Sorry 'bout it.
Jane isn't truly present at the meal, but Maura seems to be the only one to notice. Sergeant Korsak is in the middle of a story concerning the previous day's escapades which seems to star Detective Frost. Everyone else has been laughing along, but the lanky brunette sitting next to Maura has yet to crack a smile. The doctor knows that Jane is instead focused on the phones sitting on the table between the two women. One is the detective's, and, true to form, Angela had thrown a fuss when Jane insisted on bringing it to the table.
"It's Sunday, Janie! I won't have that horrible device interrupting dinner!"
"Ma," was all the detective had responded exasperatedly, and the cell phone had remained.
Jane had also plucked Maura's phone out of her purse and set it, too, on the table. Angela hadn't even batted an eye at the presence of that one. Maura was the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Angela would have insisted if anyone brought up her seemingly double standard. Who knew when Dr. Isles would be needed. She was an important woman.
So, the phones sat there, between the two woman. And Jane picked at her lasagna in a very uncharacteristic Jane-like manner, dividing her attention between the cell phones and Maura sitting next to her, while the conversation and laughter flowed around her. She didn't seem at all phased by the activity, and Maura wondered how the woman managed to just tune everything out. It must have been after years and years of practice of growing up in a family that was never still, never quiet. Sometimes, the doctor mused, you had to be able to find your own way of blocking out all the commotion.
Maura knew that she was, at least in part, the cause of Jane's distance. Dr. Wilde had yet to call, and it was weighing on the detective. After their talk on Friday night, Jane had seemed relaxed, almost happy. She and Maura had spent the weekend together. Jane had even insisted they attend a new viking exhibit at the Harvard Peabody Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology. Maura had dropped the name of the special exhibit several weeks ago, and although she had insisted that Jane didn't have to take her, and that she was even feeling too tired to go, Jane had declared that the two had to get out of the house at some point.
By the time they arrived, Maura had been secretly thrilled Jane had agreed to go, and the two spent several hours wandering through the museum. It was a testament to the strangeness of the situation that Jane had let the ME ramble on the entire time, and had even appeared to be paying attention. She'd especially seemed to like the old weapons part of the tour. Maura had to admit that getting out of the house was wonderful, but the activity left her feeling drained and exhausted.
The outing had been delightful. Maura's favorite part was that Jane didn't let go of her hand once the entire time they were out. She'd taken ahold as soon as they exited the car, and, at first, Maura expected her to pull away any moment. They were in public after all. But, even when the man behind the front desk gave them a certain, disdainful look, the brunette didn't seem to notice. Maura wondered what it meant, that both she and Jane seemed to take comfort from the simple contact. She wondered if it was common behavior for friends, and she had to admit to herself that it did not seem to be. The doctor hadn't minded the constant butterflies that seemed to have taken residence in her stomach, and she was becoming quite fond of the warm feeling she retained while holding onto the detective's strong hand. It was almost possessive and definitely protective, the way Jane hadn't even appeared to be conscious her actions, but yet was always aware of where Maura was in relation to herself. Maura spent almost as much time analyzing her companion's actions as reading the descriptions of the artifacts. Neither woman gave voice to what was occurring, and Maura was simply content to let the brunette do whatever made her most comfortable. Maura had no qualms with public displays of affection. She had quite a lot of practice ignoring what others thought of her, and if Jane wanted to hold hands, then Maura wasn't about to say no.
After they'd walked all the way through, Jane steered them toward the exit, knowing without asking that all the walking had tired the doctor. When they stopped to pick up pizza, Maura hadn't even bothered to put up a fight about the negative effects of such a greasy meal, but Jane still ordered half mushroom and half pepperoni. Maura wondered if such a simple action could be considered an act of love. And then she chastised herself for desiring something that would most likely never be. She was seeing things in the situation that she wished for, not that were actually there. That was the problem with dreams.
Wasn't she always telling Jane not to assume or guess anything at a crime scene? Wondering about every single action of the detective's was the same. And it would drive her crazy if she tried to interpret every thing Jane did.
So, Maura tried not to read anything into it when Jane pulled Maura up against her while they sat on the couch and ate their pizza. She'd told herself to forcefully ignore her increased heart rate when Jane started drawing random patterns on her back during the film they watched. And she refused to look at Jane at bedtime until the detective had turned off the light and slid under the covers, at which point Maura didn't move into Jane's waiting embrace until the detective tugged on her elbow silently. And when she fell asleep that night, she tried, but had to admit that she was not successful, to tell herself that the contented smile on her face as she drifted to sleep had nothing to do with the presence of the woman beside her, but merely everything to do with the enjoyable day the two had shared.
And now it was Sunday dinner with the Rizzoli clan, and Maura was extremely aware of the warm body beside her at the table, of the few centimeters separating their thighs. Of the presence of everyone else in the room, taking up space, interrupting the quiet she and Jane had been sharing up until that point. And the doctor was also aware of the fact that Jane didn't recognize any of it. The detective was too focused on the impending call. Her earlier relaxed demeanor had disappeared, leaving behind a very tightly wound brunette.
"By the time Janie and I get there, Frost's gotten the kid backed into a corner. He's really tearing into him, all fierce. Got his game face on." Vince makes a ridiculous impression of the younger detective and everyone around the table laughs. "But the kids just barely staying on his feet, he's so hammered, and suddenly, his face gets all green, and he just let go. I mean, there musta been three meals that came spewing out all over Frost. I thought he was going to pass out!"
Angela patted Barry gently on the arm as he blushed and glared angrily at Korsak.
"Oh man. Jane and I just about died, didn't we?" Korsak looked across the table at his old partner, and when Maura followed his gaze, she saw that Jane wasn't laughing. That she hadn't heard a word of what had been said.
"Jane," Maura softly said and placed a hand on her friend's arm.
The brunette jumped slightly at the touch and looked around, taking in the curious looks of her friends and family. "Oh. Oh yeah! Real funny!" she managed. It was enough for the others because they all turned back to their food.
"I had to shower four times," Frost muttered.
"And you still smelled worse than Jo Friday!" Korsak chuckled, which set everyone off again.
Maura smiled slightly, but kept her focus on the brunette.
"Jane," she muttered quietly, and waited until the other woman met her gaze. She could see a hint of anxiety in the detective's normally calm brown eyes. "It won't ring if you just keep staring at it."
The brunette gave her a small smile and reached up to squeeze Maura's hand quickly. "Sorry," she whispered with an apologetic shrug.
"It's alright," the blonde reassured her. She wanted Ryan to call, too, but it didn't make any sense to obsess over something which was completely out of their control.
She waited until Jane took a bite of her lasagna and she felt, rather than saw, some of the tension leave the brunette's shoulders, then turned back to her own meal.
When Maura's cell phone blared shrilly, Jane jumped next to her and tensed immediately. Maura snatched for it, and saw out of the corner of her eye, Barry and Vince reach automatically for their own phones. Jane, however, didn't move. She'd seen the display, the name Dr. Wilde flashing on the screen.
Angela gave a sigh from across the table. "I just wanted to get through one dinner," she said sadly.
But Maura gave her a reassuring smile. "It's not work, Angela. If you'll just excuse me for a moment." The older woman gave her a happy grin in return and went back to ragging on Frankie for his lack of a girlfriend. Frost and Korsak had let their hand's fall from their phones at the news as well.
Maura made sure she was out of earshot of the kitchen before pressing the 'accept' button and bringing the phone to her ear. She could feel Jane's stare pressing between her shoulder blades as she made her way up the stairs and into her bedroom, leaving the door open behind her as she sank down onto the bed.
"Maura Isles," she said strongly, albeit a bit shakily. It wasn't Dr. Maura Isles for this call. No. She was not the doctor in this case. She was the patient.
When she hung up the phone and turned around, Jane was leaning in the doorway, an unreadable expression on her thin face.
"Tomorrow morning at 7:30. He's willing to get me in before I need to be at work and has scheduled me for an MRI."
The brunette didn't acknowledge her words, merely continued to study the doctor. Maura blushed under the intensity of Jane's scrutiny.
"Jane? Did you hear me? Do you - do you want to go with me? I'm not exactly certain how long it will take. I wouldn't want you to be late." When there was still no response, Maura took a step forward, intending to head back downstairs to her guests.
But, Jane blocked her path.
"If you don't want to, I understand," Maura would understand if Jane couldn't go with her, so it wasn't a lie. However, the doctor knew that the MRI would most likely provide them with an answer, and she was desperately hoping the detective would agree to go. Maura trusted Jane, especially after the detective had given her such an impassioned apology on Friday evening and had accepted Maura's in turn, but the doctor wasn't used to being able to rely on outside support. And it wasn't looking promising, seeing as how Jane had yet to make a sound.
"I should get back downstairs," Maura tried to step around the taller woman, but Jane's hand shot out and grasped ahold of Maura's wrist. And the doctor froze. Maura was trapped in Jane's hooded gaze. She couldn't have moved away, even if she wanted to. She took a rapid breath as Jane stepped forward, bringing their bodies close enough to touch. The detective slid her one of her hand's up Maura's arm, bringing it to rest on Maura's chest, directly above her heart.
"Are you alright?" the sound of Jane's husky voice, deeper than usual, raspier, caused Maura's heart rate to increase. Jane quirked one delicate eyebrow when she felt the change beneath her fingertips, and Maura cursed her autonomic nervous system which was giving her away.
"I -" she licked her lips. "I'm fine, Jane."
They were staring at one another now, and Maura felt sure Jane's eyes were not usually such a deep brown as to be almost black. There was an emotion lurking there which the doctor could not name, could not place. She'd never before seen it on Jane's features before. It caused the other woman to look almost...primal...was the first adjective which came into Maura's mind. Jane had yet to remove her hand, and the skin beneath her touch felt as if it were on fire, which the doctor knew was an impossibility. Jane leaned forward, and Maura's body responded imperceptibly. For a moment, a single, heart-stopping moment when she saw Jane glance down quickly and then back up again, Maura thought Jane was about to kiss her. And the doctor couldn't help her eyes from fluttering closed. Maura could almost feel the detective's lips on her own, and if Jane kissed her in that moment, Maura wasn't sure she would be able to control herself from reacting.
But there was a pressure drop of air instead, and Maura felt the absence immediately. Jane had pulled away. She was standing an acceptable distance away now and was looking at the carpet. She was rubbing the palm of her left anxiously with her right. Maura wanted to step forward, to bridge the gap which the detective had so abruptly put between them, but she couldn't seem to will her legs to move forward.
"Of course I'll take you," Jane said. Maura couldn't, for the world, remember what she was talking about. But the phone call quickly came back to her.
"Okay," was all she could manage shakily. The detective was already half way out the door.
"See you downstairs!"
Maura was left alone, standing in her bedroom, feeling utterly adrift. It was as if the last thirty seconds had lasted years, and now time was rushing past her in order to catch up. Time was relative, Maura knew. A human construct. It felt as if someone had manipulated time and left Maura stranded behind, feeling exhausted and aching from it all.
Jane. Her best friend. Her protector. She had almost kissed Jane. Maura's body had reacted to Jane's presence, had showed signs of arousal. But, it hadn't simply been her body; in her mind, Maura had desired the kiss as well. She'd wanted Jane to break that barrier, to push them past where they were. She'd wanted Jane to desire her. To return her feelings, feelings Maura hadn't believed Jane was capable of. At least not for her.
Maybe it had simply been a fluke. Perhaps she was reading the signs incorrectly. Perhaps it was simply physical arousal as a result of recent stress, and lack of intimacy. Maura wasn't sure when Jane had last been intimate with anyone. The detective always blushed ferociously when Maura brought sex up cavalierly in conversation.
Maura traced the outline of her own lips, slightly swollen as if they had actually been kissed. A sign of arousal. Because of-of Jane.
When the blonde finally calmed enough to go back downstairs, she found Jane and her mother in the kitchen doing dishes. Maura could hear raised voices coming from the living room where the boys were engaged in watching a sporting event. She'd mulled over and over the encounter with Jane, the abrupt nature of it all, and had been unable to draw any definitive conclusions. It had caused her headache to flare up however, and she was feeling decidedly more tired than she had been not twenty minutes before.
Angela waved the doctor away when she approached.
"Sit down, honey," she ordered, pointing at a chair at the island. "Janie and I can handle the dishes for once. She may be a bull in a china shop most of the time, but I promise I won't let her break any of the plates."
Jane glared at her mother behind her back, but gave Maura that half-smirk half-smile she was famous for. The grin which Jane never seemed to give to anyone else, that Maura had noticed seemed reserved especially for her. The grin which, when she was standing up, caused her to feel slightly disoriented, off balance. The grin which Maura would describe as adorable, although never to Jane's face. The grin which Maura could never help but return.
Angela didn't appear to notice anything amiss. "Who was on the phone, honey?" Maura froze. How should she respond? Maura was private person, she usually didn't like others knowing her business, but this was Angela Rizzoli, the woman who lived in her guest house, who had become something of a surrogate mother. Maura wouldn't be able to keep anything secret from Angela for long.
Jane answered first, before Maura could work through her thoughts completely, "A colleague. Right, Maur?"
That was technically true. "Yes. A doctor I went to medical school with."
"Oh how nice! A male doctor?" Angela asked, none-to-subtlety, and Maura blushed slightly. She still wasn't used to the older woman's forward approach.
But Jane heaved a dramatic sigh from behind her mother. "Geez, Ma. Not every man on the planet has to be a potential date. Lay off."
Angela swatted Jane with the towel she was holding. "I just want my girls happy. And a doctor. Well!"
"You just want grandchildren," Jane muttered under her breath.
Angela hit her again, but chuckled this time. "Of course I do, Janie. And you and Maura are both going to have such beautiful babies," the older woman clasped her hands in front of her, face shining at the thought. "So what if I simply try to," she made a shoving motion in the air, "push the process along."
Maura had gone somewhat red at the thought of babies. Especially with the wording the older woman had used. It almost implied...no. It didn't. It didn't imply anything. Jane seemed oblivious to Maura's internal dilemma, because she merely threw another smirk at the doctor and went back to the dishes.
"Well, you better not hold your breath, Ma. It might be awhile. Besides, I didn't even say that I wanted kids. Their smelly and loud and keep you up at night."
"You don't want children, Jane?" Maura questioned suddenly. They'd discussed their dream weddings before. Maura had gotten Jane to admit to a fantasy Red Sox wedding one night while lying on a mattress in the detective's apartment. But they'd never really talked about kids.
"Well, I mean," Jane rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly, and looked over to where her mother was staring daggers at her. "Maybe someday, I guess. I just, I don't know. With my job and everything."
"Your job. Your job!" Angela growled under her breath, and Jane looked apologetic.
"I mean, do you want kids?" she asked Maura, attempting to take some of the heat off of herself.
Maura nodded slowly. "Someday perhaps. Children are a genetic wonder. The whole nature versus nurture debate."
"Well, you would make a great mother, honey," Mrs. Rizzoli said.
"Do you think so?" Maura couldn't help the insecurity from showing through in her voice.
"Maur, your kids would be like prodigies or something," Jane enthused, attempting to reassure her friend, and the detective was grateful. "Freaking geniuses!"
"And adorable, too," Angela added. The older woman sighed suddenly. "I just wish you two would hurry up."
"Good grief, Ma!"
"Well! I'm not getting any younger you know! And neither are you," the matriarch slapped her daughter a third time with the towel and Jane rubbed her arm in fake hurt. Maura giggled when Jane stuck her tongue out at her mother's back. For all her teasing and random moments of silliness, Maura knew that Jane would make an excellent mother someday.
She was roused from her daydreams of little curly haired children with Jane's free smile and rambunctious laugh running around the house, by Jane herself.
"Where'd you go?" Jane questioned quietly, settling next to Maura at the island. With a start, the doctor realized that the dishes were finished and Mrs. Rizzoli had slipped away. "Ma went to kick the guys out. It's getting late, and we've got an early morning tomorrow."
At the thought of the morning, Maura's heart sank. She didn't feel ready. Not in the slightest.
Jane caught her change in expression though. "Hey. It'll be okay. At least we'll get some answers now, right?"
All Maura could do was nod. For her, it would merely be the final proof for her own diagnosis. Tomorrow was not going to be a good day. Jane tugged on the blonde's hands until they were wrapped in her own. She placed a shy kiss on the back of them, then rubbed her thumb soothingly over the spot.
"Okay?"
The sight of Jane gazing so calmly back at her, so surely, made her feel better. "Okay."
"C'mon. Let's say bye to the guys and then it's bedtime."
"You're staying?"Jane had slept in Maura's bed almost every single night for the past three weeks, and when she hadn't it'd been because the two stayed at her apartment, but Maura suddenly needed to be reassured.
"Of course," Jane threw over her shoulder as she pulled the two towards the front door. Angela was handing out leftovers and attempting to shoo her two grown sons and the two other detectives towards the door.
"Let's go! The games over and you all need to get home!" Angela laughed when Frankie pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"Thank you for dinner, Angela. It was delicious."
"Of course, Vince. Anytime."
"Thanks for having us, Doc!" Frost called and Maura waved good-naturedly.
"C'mon, out you get." Angela pushed them all out the door, waving and chuckling as the four of them headed down the walk. "Be safe," she yelled after them, shutting the door, and turning to find Jane and Maura standing behind her. "Bunch of goofballs," but she was smiling.
"Alright you two," the woman surveyed them both, hands on her hips. Jane stared her down, but Maura couldn't help straightening her back at the inspection.
"Maura, honey, you look exhausted," she pulled Maura into a quick hug, holding her at arms length afterwards for a good long look. "Jane, you get this woman in bed."
"Yes, ma'am," Jane said, ducking away as Angela tried to pull her into a hug.
"Thank you for dinner, Angela."
"Of course, sweetheart," the matriarch made her way to the back door. "Leftovers are in the freezer. Get some rest. Both of you," she glared threateningly at them. "Don't think I didn't see that yawn during dessert, Jane Rizzoli. Sleep. Now."
They both couldn't help but laugh at her orders.
"Goodnight, Ma!" Jane yelled as the door closed behind her mother. "She's right you know," her voice softened as she too looked Maura up and down. "You do look tired."
"So do you," Maura pointed out.
"Then bed for us!" Jane bowed Maura ahead, locking the doors and flipping off lights as she followed behind. It seemed so normal, Maura mused as she climbed the stairs. So domestic. Jane always locked up and she even checked on Bass before heading for the guest bathroom. Maura would get ready, and she'd climb into bed just as Jane entered the room and turned off the light. They had it down to an art form. It was comfortable. Routine.
Once the lights were off, and Jane was settled in bed beside her, Maura rolled over so her head was resting on Jane's chest. She let out a sigh when Jane's arms came up, holding her loosely. It wasn't lost on Maura that her head was now in the exact position Jane's hand had been earlier. That she could count Jane's heartbeats and time her breathing perfectly to her detective's. To the detective's, Maura made the correction in her mind. When had she shifted to thinking of Jane as her's? That needed to stop.
"Are you nervous?" Jane's voice came suddenly out of the darkness.
"Yes." Honesty was the best policy in her opinion.
"Me, too."
Maura squeezed Jane tightly at the admission.
"Maur?"
Several moments had passed. Maura was almost asleep. "Hmm?"
"Can I hold your hand tomorrow?"
The doctor felt her lachrymal glands react instantaneously to the innocent question. This side of Jane, this shy, exposed side, was one which Maura hardly ever saw. She wondered how many people in the past had been exposed to it. How many people had heard the fear in Jane's voice when her walls came down. The youthfulness expressed there. Maura couldn't help but reach out and find one of Jane's hands in the bedsheets, pull it up to her, and place a gentle kiss directly on the scar Hoyt had left there.
"Of course."
It was many minutes later, long after Maura felt Jane grow heavy underneath her, felt the other woman's pulse slow and her breathing lengthen, when her own eyelids felt heavy and she could feel herself sinking into the warm body wrapped around her that she managed to whisper it, to set it free for the first time, in a place where the night would swallow it, so in the morning, it would be as though nothing had changed, but really everything would have changed, would be about to change.
"I love you."
AN2: Good? Ridiculous? Horrid? Yes? No? Maybe so?