AN: Okay. So. I am not a doctor. Allow me to repeat: I am not a medical professional. Which means this is only going to be like, eh, 22.7% accurate. Maybe a bit more. I'm trying to research as much as I can as I go along, but bear with me on this, y'all. Thanks for all the reviews. Who knew so many people would get invested in this little ole piece. If you've been around since the beginning, I'm super gratefully. If you're only just now jumping on the bandwagon, glad to have you! Love.
It was loud. That was the only thing Maura could really focus on, was the noise. She'd been lying prostrate on her back, completely still for the past thirty minutes, with her eyes closed and the noise had become all consuming. It had seemed to grow, buzzing and clunking and humming, louder and louder until it drowned out her very thoughts. Ryan had talked to her for the first fifteen minutes, reassuring her, but she'd quickly tuned him out, and focused instead on the pressure building behind her temples, of the sound, so loud that its vibrations were causing her entire body to hum in response.
When it clicked off, the suddenness of the silence took her by surprise. She blinked slowly, attempting to make out the shapes in the dim lighting.
"We're all done, Maura. Nice job," Ryan's voice was tinny and overly loud coming from the speaker.
Maura didn't bother responding. When the plastic slab she was lying on began to move, pulling her out of the MRI, she took a deep breath. When you're in a MRI, it's best not to move so as to make sure the machine can get as clear of a picture as possible. Maura hadn't realized that she'd almost been holding her breath the entire time, trying to keep herself as still as possible.
The lab tech was there to meet her as she sat up. He gave her a small smile, and she forced herself to summon the courtesy necessary to return it. She just wanted to get back to Jane. Jane, who'd been left sitting in Dr. Wilde's office while Maura and the neurologist headed off to run the test. Who was sitting in a hospital, one of her least favorite places, waiting. If the MRI was conclusive, which even taking into account the poker face Ryan had on, Maura was sure it was, they could be spending quite a bit more time in said hospital that day.
"They'll have them printed in the next couple of minutes," the doctor said, leading the way back to his office. "I thought you might appreciate being there while I read them. I know it usually takes a few hours, but.." he trailed off uncertainly.
Maura nodded. "Yes, thank you. The sooner the better." They rode the elevator up in silence. Maura was fidgeting with her ring finger anxiously. A horrid habit, but one she'd been unable to train herself out of. She'd had to remove all the metal on her person before slipping into the machine, so the motion was not as satisfactory as it normally was.
Dr. Wilde ushered her back into his wood paneled office where Jane was slouched in her seat. Maura gave a sigh of relief when she met Jane's worried gaze. She was still here. Thank goodness.
Jane jumped up anxiously when Maura and the doctor reentered the office. They'd been gone for almost an hour, and even though Maura had told her to expect it, Jane had still been nervous. She felt out of place here. This wasn't her normal domain, it was more up Maura's alley, and Jane was feeling out of her element. She'd tried to put a brave face on that morning on their way out the door, but stuck by herself in Ryan's stuffy, overly masculine office had her rubbing her hands in frustration. She didn't have a distraction to get herself out of her own thoughts and it had been starting to drive her crazy.
She headed towards the other woman, ignoring Ryan for the moment as he made his way around his desk and took a seat. She looked Maura up and down. She knew it hadn't been anything harmful, nothing invasive, but still, she felt the need to check, to reassure herself. Satisfied that her friend was fine, if looking a little off balance, she reached out a hand, and Maura took it automatically, gratefully.
"Okay?" she asked.
The honey-blonde nodded. "Now we wait."
"Okay," Jane led the two of them over to the chairs and they settled into them.
Jane half expected Dr. Wilde to attempt small talk while they waited, but thankfully, he seemed to know that they would rather sit in silence. When the knock came, he waved the nurse in and took a large manila folder from her.
"Thanks," he said, and the woman exited quickly.
Jane stared at the folder now sitting on his desk as the doctor flipped a switch and a light box illuminated on the wall. She noticed, as if from a distance, that she was rubbing her thumb in never-ending circles on the back of Maura's smooth hand.
Ryan slid the scans smoothly out of their paper sheaf and stuck them up on the board. There was a moment of silence as he stepped back to survey them. Jane knew that he'd already seen them, probably already figured out whatever secrets were held in the lobes of Maura's brain. To her, it looked like waves and scribbles, some of that abstract art she'd never been able to figure out.
Jane felt Maura's sharp intake of breath beside her and she automatically stiffened, but refused to look at the doctor's expressive hazel eyes. She saw Ryan's empathetic look, but chose to ignore it.
Instead, Jane studied the brain in front of her. In a fit of romantic fancy, she appreciated the beauty of the image, the clarity, the contrast between light and dark. She knew that Maura had a beautiful mind, but this seemed almost...intimate, almost as if she was being handed a free pass to examine the soul of the woman sitting next to her, the woman whose hand she held firmly in her own. It made Jane a bit uncomfortable, to be seeing such a naked image, to be peering into the depths of Maura's brain, even if she couldn't understand what it all meant. It was breath-taking.
"Glioma." Maura's voice broke the stillness that seemed to have settled over the three of them. Jane noted that there wasn't a hint of a question in the ME's voice. She was confident.
Ryan looked at her and nodded. "I'm sorry, Maura."
Jane still didn't look at the woman next to her, instead searching the image for whatever it is Maura had seen, whatever put that tone of ice cold certainty in her voice.
"What's -" she cleared her throat, directing her question at the neurologist. "What is that?"
But it was Maura who answered her. "Glioma. A brainstem glioma to be exact. It's a tumor."
Jane's heart sank. She'd known that was a possibility. Maura had prepared her for it. But still, she'd hoped that it was something less intimidating, less frightening. Migraines, or some weird disease that was easily treatable. Easily curable. A tumor. Jane closed her eyes for a moment, to shut out the image of Maura's beautiful brain. But it was burned on the back of her eyelids. She was seeing it in blues and reds and brilliant greens now, not just the black and white of the actual scan, so she blinked her eyes open again.
"So...cancer?" she asked.
"Well," Ryan cleared his throat, glancing at Maura for permission to go on. "Normally, with a tumor we would take a biopsy, a sample, and send it to the lab for testing. We'd want to determine whether it was benign or malignant," he met Jane's blank stare. "That is, whether it was growing, whether it was cancerous. But a glioma in this location is - difficult to biopsy. It's wrapped within the brain stem," he turned and started tracing along the scan.
"The brain stem connects the cerebrum to the brain. It's what carries all of the orders from the brain out into the body. Basically, it's a highway of nerves," Jane nodded to show that she understood.
"So, it can be very dangerous to attempt a surgical procedure in the area," Maura cut in. "The patient could end up severely impaired, paralyzed, dead."
Jane couldn't help the shiver which ran down her spine at Maura's words. The blonde sounded suddenly lifeless herself. She'd earned the nickname Queen of the Dead when she'd first started working for Boston PD, and part of it was because of her ability to separate herself from the job, to distance herself from the horrors she was likely to see. Jane had witnessed Maura's descent into the state on many occasions. It was the ME's coping mechanism. Jane understood. But to hear her talk that way about herself, was chilling.
"Well, if you can't cut it out, what do you do?" Jane finally found her voice again.
Ryan was back to studying the films. "I didn't say surgery was impossible."
"It simply has a rather high risk factor," the blonde explained.
"Based on size and the symptoms you described Maura, I'd say it's about a Grade III at this point. Out of a four point scale. Rather slow growing," he looked to the blonde for confirmation and Jane felt, rather then saw her agree.
"Okaaaay," Jane drew out the word. She felt as though she ought to be feeling something, some great panic, fear, anger but instead, she felt as though she was floating, caught in the lull before the storm. Her body felt tense, on edge, ready to act, but there was nothing for her to do, nowhere to go.
"Chemotherapy and radiation are our most likely options. I'll have to get you in touch with an oncologist. Together, we'll all come up with a plan for treatment. If the chemo and radiation were successful at stopping growth, and perhaps reversing it, we might be able to consider surgery."
"So, it could shrink? Could get better?" she hated the way her voice sounded, quiet unsure. She hated that Maura was just sitting there, holding her hand, not speaking.
Dr. Wilde looked uncomfortable. "It could," he hedged.
"But..." she prompted.
"This type of tumor is usually associated with children. It's less common in adults. Treatment tends to be less effective, side effects more severe."
"The long term survival rate for people with brain cancer is less than 10%. Only about 37% of those with brainstem gliomas survive past the first year of treatment."
Jane felt her body constrict at Maura's words. The doctor was the one who dealt in statistics, in numbers, not Jane. The detective usually preferred to go by her gut, to beat the odds, whatever they were, because numbers were restricting, numbers could lie. But those, those were terrifying.
"So, you could die?" Jane turned for the first time to meet Maura's gaze.
"Technically, the odds are not in my favor."
Jane stared at the woman sitting next to her. It was strange how quickly your perception of someone could change. Maura refused to meet her eyes. Dr. Wilde started talking about procedure, growth rate, side effects, treatment, but Jane wasn't listening to him. She was too busy studying the person next to her, her best friend, the woman she'd thought she'd lost and now knew she couldn't possibly live without, the person who had just received life-altering news.
The ME was staring instead at the scans, back straight, feet tucked primly under her chair. Jane wondered how sure she'd been. If she'd known that this, this, was the most likely outcome for today. But, no, Maura had seemed relax this morning, calm. How could she retain such an outward façade of collectedness when, in Jane's mind, she was practically staring death in the face. Was she? Is this what death looked like for Maura? No. Jane was getting ahead of herself. The odds might be bad, but that didn't mean you just gave up. Numbers weren't foolproof.
"So, what? You're just going to give in to some stupid statistics? Numbers can lie," she realized she'd spoken aloud when Maura pulled her hand away.
"Yes," Ryan said softly. "They can. And Maura, you're healthy. Strong. There is no reason we cannot fight this."
"Of course," the blonde replied softly, but now she wasn't meeting his gaze either.
Jane could feel her heart rate increasing, could feel herself getting amped up. Why wasn't Maura saying anything. Why wasn't she reacting like a - like a human for God's sakes?!
"Well!" Ryan's voice seemed falsely cheery. "I have a colleague here at Mass Gen, Dr. Lisa Parks. She's very good. I can have her onboard this afternoon. The two of us can go over the films, come up with a game plan. Unless you have someone in mind?"
The detective couldn't tear her eyes away from the silent form next to her. Did she? Did Maura already have someone in mind? Had she planned that far ahead? The brunette almost let go a sigh of relief when the doctor agreed.
"Certainly, Dr. Wilde. I've read several of Dr. Parks' studies. She seems excellent."
"Yes, well, I've worked with her before. I think you'll really like her."
Maura shrugged. "Perhaps. It is not her character that I have to agree with however. Simply her medicine."
Jane noticed that Maura was playing with her ring finger, twisting an invisible band around and around. It was the only outward sign the blonde was displaying that indicated any anxiety on her part. Jane felt like she was about to explode, like if she didn't get out of that room immediately, she was going to go insane. Now free from Maura's hand, she stood and began to pace aimlessly.
"We'll get a handle on this then?" She asked, more for her benefit than anyone else's.
"I suspect Dr. Parks and I will be able to make a recommendation by the end of the day. These things normally take a bit more time, but I believe in this case... Anyway, treatment should be started as early as possible."
Jane wondered if his urgency was because Maura was an old acquaintance or only because of the tumor, and then she wondered how bad that meant it really was. She knew they'd dumbed it down for her, made sure she could understand, but she needed to know it all.
Jane took a somewhat menacing step toward the doctor, pinning him to his spot with her dark eyed gaze. "Brain stem glioma," she said. He nodded. "And chemotherapy or radiation is the way to go?'
"Ye-yes."
"And you absolutely cannot operate?"
"Dr. Parks and I will evaluate carefully of course. I will contact the neurosurgeon on staff as well. But I believe that no, surgery is too dangerous in this case. At least not until we can slow the growth."
"He's correct, Jane," Maura intoned and the detective flinched slightly.
Jane took a step closer to Ryan. She wanted to threaten him. To tell him that is he was keeping anything back, she had a right to know. To tell that she may not understand everything, that she didn't know all the facts, all the figures, but that he ought not to forget just whose brain they were talking about. She wanted to let him know just how important it was that this got fixed, that Maura didn't become just another one of her statistics. She wanted to tell him all that and more, but the ME was sitting behind her, watching her, and she couldn't. So she merely took a step forward. "Thank you," she said, and Ryan looked somewhat surprised.
"I'll do everything I can," he seemed to understand anyway. "Maura," he looked past Jane and she turned, too. "We'll do everything that we can."
Maura stood, signaling the end of the meeting, the appointment, the sentencing, whatever this was. "Of course you will, Dr. Wilde," her professionalism was impeccable.
"Now, if you don't mind, Jane and I have to get to work."
He looked a bit taken aback by their abrupt departure. Normally patients needed a moment to come to terms with the news. To cry. To rage. "I'll be in touch by the end of the day, and if you have any questions -"
"I'll be sure to call," she gave him an apologetic smile as if to make up for the fact that she was not a normal patient.
"I have questions," Jane hufffed quietly.
"I can answer them, Jane. I would really prefer not to be later than we already are. Ryan, if you wouldn't mind, I would appreciate a copy of the scans at your earliest convenience." It wasn't a request; it was an order.
"Maura -" but she'd already turned her back and picked up her purse.
"Are you driving, Jane?"
Of course she was. The detective shared one last look with Dr. Wilde. "Call if you have questions," he said, pressing his card into her hand. She gave him a grateful smile, and followed her friend out the door.
Jane had questions. She had a shit-ton of them. And if Maura thought she was just going to find out about silly old cancer and waltz away, mask in place, the blonde had another thing coming. Maura couldn't lie, and Jane was about to put that truth to the test.
The blonde had a nasty habit of taking bad news in stride, internalizing it, and trucking on. It was endearing and courageous, and independent. Hell, Jane did it all the time. Neither one really liked talking about all that personal shit. But, the detective wasn't about to let the doctor bury this news for the next seven hours. She wasn't about to let Maura accept a tumor diagnosis and chemotherapy and radiation and whatever the hell else without at least processing it, without making Maura believe that she was on her side. The doctor had someone in her corner, not just any someone, but Detective Jane Rizzoli. Sure, Maura may have understood what the repercussions of this were going to be better than the brunette, but Jane could guess. She'd known enough victims, seen enough of those ridiculous documentaries Maura liked on the history of disease. And she could do research, too. She was going to learn as much as she could about brain stem glioma, and then she was going to insist that Maura kick its ass. There was no other option. None.
The ride to the precinct was silent and strained. Deciding to break the ice, Jane pulled into the parking lot of a café.
"I'm starving, and I need caffeine. You want anything?"
"I'm fine, thank you," Maura responded.
"Suite yourself," Jane slammed the door and jogged across the parking lot. She ordered a bagel and a coffee to go, staring out the front window the entire time, watching the car. She could just make out Maura's silhouette in the passenger seat. Jane didn't know to go about this.
"I got you a green tea," she said, handing over the hot beverage as she climbed back into the vehicle. "I don't know how you can drink that shit, but here ya go."
"Language," Maura said reflexively, and Jane couldn't help but grin.
"Sorry," she wasn't sorry. Jane chanced a glance at the quiet blonde as she pulled back out into mid-morning traffic. "Tell me, Maur," she asked softly. "Please."
She didn't add that inside she was freaking out, that she had no idea what had just happened, how to take all the information that had just been shoved down her throat. That she needed to understand so that she could put her game face on, get into her fighting stance, so that she could become the rock in the storm, Maura's safe harbor. She needed Maura to tell her how to accept it, to explain exactly what was running through that big, smart, wonderful brain of hers.
Maura took a sip of her tea. Jane noticed that her hands were shaking now.
She began speaking normally, clinically, "Brain stem glioma is a type of malignant tumor which grows normally in children, but is also found in adults. It's side effects include..." The explanation continued. Maura explained that she would most likely have to undergo several rounds of chemotherapy, that there was no telling how her body would react, that she might have to take a medical leave of absence. That until treatment started, they wouldn't know the severity of the tumor, wouldn't be able to understand how quickly it was progressing until several weeks had passed. Jane took it all in, absorbed as much of it as she could. She also noted the way Maura's voice got quieter and quieter the more she spoke, that the softness was tinged with sadness, with fear, as she spoke about success rates. And from her voice cues, more than anything, Jane was able to pinpoint how the ME was feeling, how scared she actually was, that even though she knew the facts, the doctor was hopeful, that she recognized that this was something happening to herself and not a nameless faceless patient from one of her medical journals.
And that fear was what tightened Jane's resolve, caused her to sit up straighter in her seat, to listen intently, to run through a myriad of scenarios, to begin to formulate a plan. Jane often thought with her heart more than her head, she let her emotions take control, but in this instance logic took over.
There were things that she, Jane, could do. Things she could handle that Maura didn't need to be worrying about. She may not be able to take the tumor away, to make Maura healthy, to make it all better, but she could be there. She could get rid of the added stress such a situation caused. She could handle that, and, as Maura outlined for Jane just how difficult the next few days, weeks, months were possibly going to be, the detective made a promise to herself that she would see ME through it all.
Maura was beautiful and smart and, even after everything she'd lived through, Jane still thought of her as innocent. She didn't want the effects of this illness to rob her of that joy for living, for learning. She didn't want to see the sparkle in Maura's hazel eyes when she learned something new or got a joke for the first time fade. Even if this tumor was planning on taking everything from them, even if Maura's body was going to be put to the test, Jane would remain strong, she would remain healthy. And she would do everything in her power to keep that innocence in the woman she cared for, the woman she loved. She couldn't make it all better, but she could damn well try.
Maura broke off her monologue as Jane pulled up in front of the precinct.
"I would appreciate it, Jane, if perhaps we could keep this to ourselves for now."
Jane was quick to agree. "Whatever you want, Maur."
The doctor was watching her closely, but Jane met her gaze squarely, attempting to convey all the support she could muster. "Thank you."
"Maura, I-I just-" Jane broke off, unsure how to continue. She settled for reaching over the console and gathering Maura's hands in hers. She felt her breath hitch in her throat, but forced back the lump gathering there. This was not the place to break down. She'd just finished promising herself to be strong, hadn't she? "You're going to have to keep explaining it to me," she said, pleased when Maura gave her a humorous smile. "But we'll get through this. And I know that you know all the stats, all the numbers, all the outcomes, but I don't want you to tell me those things, okay?" Maura nodded. "And I don't want you to think about those things either," she tightened her grip. "We'll fight this. And the chemo will work, and then Dr. Wilde can remove it, and it will all be like a bad dream. Just some stupid bad dream."
"It doesn't work like that," the ME whispered.
Jane reached out a hand and caught the single tear falling down the blonde's porcelain cheek. "Mind over matter, right, Doc?"
"Studies have shown that a positive outlook can increase chances of a good outcome, yes," Maura retreated into her logical shell, but Jane was happy she was in agreement.
"So we'll be so damn positive that tumor won't know what hit it!"
"Language, Jane," but it wasn't a reprimand.
The detective gave one last squeeze of the doctor's hands and let go. She ran her hand lovingly down Maura's cheek and tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear. She wanted to ask how Maura was feeling, if she was sure that she wanted to be at work today, but, knowing the doctor as well as she did, Jane had a feeling the ME needed to lose herself in the job at that moment. So, they'd go into the precinct and pretend everything was fine and dandy, and Ryan would call and they'd get the ball rolling. And tonight, Jane would drive them home and they'd make small talk about their day while a home cooked meal courtesy of Angela Rizzoli would reheat in the oven, and Jane would walk Jo while Maura rested and then they'd go to bed, ignoring the elephant in the room, pretending, for one more night that their lives had just been changed irrevocably, that they weren't both thinking that this would be the last night they'd fall asleep together "cancer free." Yes, that was the plan. Jane could see in her mind's eye how the entire day would go. But tomorrow, tomorrow she had no idea, and that was scary as hell.
She brought herself back to the present, to Maura sitting beside her, scared but stoic. She didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but they were here now, together, and alive, and there were bad guys to catch and murders to solve.
"Let's go catch killers, Dr. Isles," she joked, and Maura seemed to understand where Jane's mind had just gone.
She seemed to have followed along as Jane led them through the day, finishing back where they'd started, parked outside Boston PD. And she agreed that yes, Jane was right, today was today, and there was a plan, and a job to be done. "Lead the way, Detective."
AN2: Brain tumor. Hmmm...bring on the hate. But, remember, y'all, Maura's a fighter, and so is her detective. And I love these two just as much you guys do.
Not everything is accurate, but that's the benefit to making up your own story. Hang with me, y'all. Things are about to get fun! Love.
PS - Keep your eyes peeled. Rizzles is going to be making an official entrance. Soon.