Guys, guys, guys: I am horribly, terribly sorry about the long wait. I know where I want this piece to go. Hell, I have the entire thing mapped out. I just couldn't seem to make the words come. And this chapter is not my best. I apologize. But there's a blizzard going on outside right now and y'all deserved an update. So, I rushed through and it might be bad, but it might not be. Let me know what you think. Please. Your words mean a lot. Love.
Maura felt the sudden tension in the stomach muscles under her arm which indicated Jane's transition from sleep into wakefulness, but she didn't shift her position. Her ear was pressed to Jane's sternum, almost directly above where the brunette's heart was located. She'd been counting the beats for almost five minutes, ever since she'd awoken to find herself pressed tightly to the other woman's thin frame. It was soothing, and had quickly become her favorite way to wake up in the mornings.
"Morning," Jane's husky voice broke the stillness of the room. Maura could feel the rumble in Jane's chest.
Instead of answering, she merely snuggled closer, sighing gratefully when Jane's long arms closed around her, reveling in the way they fit so tightly together. Her nose was cold so she pressed her face into Jane's sleeping shirt, inhaling the unique scent of her girlfriend. Her girlfriend. She could still hardly believe it, even now, a month later.
They laid that way for several moments. Maura waited patiently for Jane to pull herself completely out of her dreams and into the new day. "We should get up," she murmured after an acceptable amount of time had elapsed. But Jane merely tightened her hold, and began running her hand lightly up and down Maura's back. The doctor knew what Jane was doing. She'd taken to the action subconsciously in recent days. She wasn't even sure if the brunette was aware that she was running her fingers up and down the bumps along Maura's spine, counting the ridges and dips, feeling how close her spine was to the surface, how fragile she'd become in the last four weeks. At first, Maura had shifted away as soon as Jane's hand drifted there. She needed the reminder less than Jane did. After a time however, when Jane would jump as she pulled away, her dark brown eyes becoming shiny with hurt, Maura had stopped. It was a soothing gesture, not a harmful one. She could handle it.
So she stayed put as the brunette's long fingers counted the bones in her spinal column, and she named them to herself. T2. T3. T4. "T5," the other woman's hand paused at the title and then continued on. "T6," she said allowed again. "T7." And on like that, down and back up. It was somewhat of a morning routine. A ritual.
When Jane reached the top once more, her voice came out of the quiet, "Are you sure, Maur?" She didn't need to clarify.
"I spoke to Governor Patrick on Monday, Jane," she reminded her partner softly. It's best."
Jane sighed. "Are you sure you're ready though?"
Maura felt the lump rise in the back of her throat. It was a purely emotional reflex to the concern in Jane's voice. To the idea of what her day would hold. She couldn't trust her voice to come out clear, so she merely nodded. It was for the best. It was. She just needed to keep reminding herself of that fact.
"Well, I should get ready then," Jane said, but she made no move to leave the warm embrace.
Maura nodded again, knowing she would need to be the first to pull away. Jane never wanted to let go. She pressed a light kiss to Jane's shirt above the beating of her heart, unable to help the thrill that ran through her when Jane shivered at the light touch. It was astonishing the power she seemed to have over Jane's physical reactions and vice versa. They hadn't taken that next step yet, hadn't gotten past the level of hand holding and kisses much more than what Jane had dubbed a 'good ole fashioned make out session.' But Maura was ready. She wanted Jane. Wanted her so badly sometimes it made her ache. Not all the time of course. Not after she'd just spent the night vomiting, or hooked up to the IV wires receiving a treatment. No, at those times, she felt decidedly unattractive. She would have felt embarrassed to be seen by anyone at those times, but the detective had a way of making her feel safe, perhaps not any better, but safe, not judged or stared at, simply cared for. It was why Maura refused to allow Angela over on the nights after her chemotherapy treatments, why Jane had, so far, been the only one to drive her to the hospital and back three times a week. Jane made her feel safe.
At those times, the thought of sexual intercourse with Jane was one of the few thoughts she did not allow herself to contemplate. And every morning, she had to fight down the anxiety, the little voice in her head that whispered that this, this would be the day when Jane would finally realize what a mistake she'd made. This would be the day Jane's gaze would turn from one of care, (love?), to one of distaste and disgust. Every single morning after an episode of sickness and weakness. But every time, Jane kissed the top of her head and smiled at her over her morning coffee, and drove them in to work with her free hand resting lightly in Maura's on the center console. And every morning, Jane Rizzoli took her breath away with her devotion, her rough edged beauty, her honesty.
Maura forced herself to roll away from the detective and sit up gently, waiting for the darkness to recede from the edges of her vision. It never truly went away, not anymore. The blurriness was always there now. The head rush as she changed from horizontal to vertical. Mornings were a much slower process now than they had been. She glanced back over her shoulder to find Jane studying her profile, head cocked slightly to the side, brown curls mussed from the pillow.
She opened her mouth. I love you. It was there. On the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't say it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Because there was the chance that Jane might not say it back, that she might not feel that way about Maura in return. Or, and this was a more terrifying thought in the doctor's mind, Jane could say it in turn, but not truly mean it. The cancer was like a string, tying Jane to her. Of course the brunette could leave at any time, walk away, go on with her life without all the medical terminology and pain and illness hanging over her head. Unlike Maura, she could leave it all behind. But, the ME was nearly certain that Jane wouldn't do that. The brunette was loyal to fault, and once she gave her word, she did not back down. It was something the honey blonde found so very endearing about the other woman. Jane was so purely good. So innocently honest. But, because of that string, those knots, there was the chance that Jane might feel forced to respond if Maura let her know exactly how deep her feelings ran for the detective. And she didn't want that. Above all else, Maura wanted Jane to love her. But that love should come freely, without being obligated by illness, without the weight of a brain tumor hanging over it. So she didn't say it, she pushed it back, swallowed the words whole, nearly choking on them as they passed.
Instead she gave Jane a smile, one which the detective returned lazily. "It's Friday," Jane said, reaching forward and pressing one finger onto the back of Maura's hand.
"No chemo," Maura returned.
"No," the brunette shrugged at her with an almost happy grin. "No."
Maura flipped her hand and gave Jane's finger a quick squeeze to let her know that it was alright to be happy about no chemo. She'd started taking the happiness where she could find it. The goodness. "No." Letting go, she rose shakily to a standing position and made her way towards the bathroom. She could feel Jane's dark eyes on her, watching her, assessing. Was it going to be a good day or a bad day? Somehow the detective always seemed to know even before Maura herself did.
Jane seemed to decide on good day, because she didn't say anything more as Maura disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. If was a bad day, the brunette would have said something, anything. She wouldn't ask how Maura was feeling, that question had quickly been outlawed. But she would have prodded and poked around until she got the answer she knew was waiting, the one she was looking for. And then they would argue about work, Jane insisting that Maura take a half day at least, while the doctor fought back just as hard for the right to make her own decisions. She always won of course; Jane could never really deny her anything, a power Maura had to force herself not to abuse at times. And she sometimes wondered if she ought to feel upset when Jane tried to exert control in such a manner, but she never did. The detective only did it because she cared, and worried, and was wonderful. So they'd argue, but without any of the heat Jane was so famous for, until the brunette would cave and they'd both go about their business, meeting in the kitchen for coffee before heading in.
But today, Jane let her escape to the bathroom without a word, which meant today was either going to be a good day, or else Jane just couldn't seem to make up her mind. Maura certainly couldn't. She pulled off her night shirt and slipped out of her silk pants, avoiding the mirror above the sink, before stepping into the warm spray of the shower. Today would either be good or bad or somewhere in between, but it was necessary. It was time. She and Jane were just going to have to accept it.
Jane waited until the sound of running water hit her hears before sighing and slipping out of bed. The chill seeped into her immediately and she rushed for the guest bathroom, turning on the water to let it heat up as she slid out of her pajamas. She looked up and caught her own gaze in the mirror. Her eyes slid down her thin form involuntarily. She ignored the blush that rose in her cheeks and instead attempted to view herself clinically. She pinched the skin of her stomach, still tight even now, hard. She had to admit that she was quite attractive. Well-proportioned, muscled. Men were often attracted to her, despite her somewhat flat figure. She idly wondered if Maura was attracted to her. Sometimes she'd look up from whatever she was doing and find the doctor's hazel eyes several shades darker than usual, so piercing it was if she was burning a hole straight through Jane's defenses. It always made Jane shiver when she caught Maura looking at her that way, more so since she herself was often guilty of looking at the doctor in strinkingly similar manner.
Jane realized that her thoughts had drifted in a somewhat embarrassing direction, so she stepped into the shower, the heat making her gasp. It was a slight distraction however, not enough to keep her from Maura for long. The other woman didn't seem to realize how gorgeous she actually was, even now, too skinny with dark circles under her eyes. Jane found herself licking her lips at the feeling of Maura's firm stomach muscles moving under her hand while they cuddled in bed, of the way her own nipples tightened in response whenever the honey blonde brushed up against her. Of the morning before when Jane had awoken to find one of Maura's legs resting between her own, of slipping out of bed before Maura could wake up or shift position and discover the warm wetness pooling between Jane's legs, separated from Maura's skin by only two thin layers. Jane jerked out from under the spray when she felt her hand drifting lower on her body, making circular motions across her chest, between her breasts, past her navel. She was mimicking the way Maura had touched her several days ago. She flipped the knob quickly, reveling in the iciness that jetted out of the shower head, cooling her growing desire.
She wanted Maura. She shivered at the thought. She wanted Maura. Jane had never been exactly comfortable with the open idea of sex. Maura had often tried to discuss it in front of her cavalierly, and Jane would always clam up, growing red simply at the thought. She just wasn't as comfortable discussing it as Maura was. The doctor had always seemed so ridiculously confident in her own skin. Before, when they'd dated men, Maura would try to break down any of Jane's sexual encounters, of which there had been few, but Jane would usually hightail out of the conversation as quickly as possible. With Maura however, it was different than it had ever been. Jane found herself becoming aroused at a simple touch from the doctor, at her hand on her thigh, at the way Maura bit her lip while she was concentrating on something. At completely inapprorpriate times. And, loathe as she was to admit it, it was a huge distraction and quickly becoming somewhat of a problem. She'd tried...fixing...it herself, but that only served to make her want the touch of the honey blonde even more. Jane groaned as she soaped her hair.
She wanted Maura. But she couldn't. Not just because Maura was a woman and Jane had never been with a woman... in that way. That was its own peck of problems. No, it was because Maura was Maura. She was hot. And sexy. Without even really appearing to try. Because she was confident. Because what if Maura didn't want her. Because what if she wasn't any good at it. Because what if Maura didn't love her back. And there it was. The honest truth. What if Maura didn't love her back? Jane loved Maura. She knew it like she knew her own name. It was her last thought before sleeping and her first thought on waking. That and had the past six weeks simply been a dream. But she loved Maura, and if Maura didn't love her back, if this whole relationship thing was simply a mistake, a result of life changing, devastating news, Jane didn't think she'd be able to survive it. It was a ridiculous, completely overdramatic thought, but a truthful one. She loved Maura Isles more than she'd ever loved anyone or anything, and it was terrifying to imagine that Maura didn't love her back. So terrifying, that Jane hadn't been able to bring herself to say it out loud while Maura was awake. So terrifying that she'd avoided her desire, her physical need to have Maura in order not to slip up, not to let it slip out. She loved Maura. She wanted her. She needed her. But she was terrified.
Jane sauntered into the kitchen some time later to find the doctor already dressed and ready. Surprised, she glanced at the clock. She must have spent more time arguing with herself and lost in her thoughts than she'd realized. They wouldn't be late. No, they got up much too early for that. Jane nearly whimpered at how early they'd started waking up. But still, it was later that usual. She forced herself to move forward and take the seat at the counter, a mug, bagel, and the paper already ready and waiting.
"I don't see why it has to be Pike though," she began, picking up the discussion they'd been having for days in order to avoid the thought of unzipping Maura out of her dress, or the thought that Maura was getting much too skinny, which quickly followed on the first's heels.
The honey blonde let out a sigh. "I will assist them in looking for someone else. But for now, Dr. Pike is the only available option for my replacement."
"Temporary," Jane interjected. "Temporary replacement."
Maura gave her a smile which didn't reach her eyes. "Right." She walked over and filled Jane's mug from the French press.
Jane reached out a hand before the doctor could escape and pulled Maura closer, pleased when Maura automatically leaned over to place a chaste kiss on Jane's waiting lips. "Good morning," she whispered.
"Good morning," and this time, the smile lit up the doctor's entire face.
It would be only too easy to follow up with three short words, but Jane wouldn't allow herself the luxury. Instead, she pressed a kiss to Maura's cheek and released her, taking a sip of her coffee and reaching for the paper. She waited until Maura had poured her own mug and then taken a seat beside her, before unfolding the item and beginning, aloud, on the cover stories.
She'd started reading the paper to Maura the week before when she'd come downstairs to find Maura in tears over the tiny print. At the time, Jane had been uncertain on how to comfort the other woman. Maura's vision had been getting worse, not better, even with the treatments. It was something they never really addressed outright, preferring instead to smooth it over with other things. Maura could still read of course, but it was challenging and always left her with a horrible headache, exhausted, and upset. And the newspaper was not a good enough reason to start the day off in a bad mood.
So on that particular morning, Jane had slid into the seat next to the blonde, pulled the offending article gently out of her shaking hands, snapped it into place, and begun reading. Maura's tears had slowed and finally stopped, and then they never spoke of it again. Instead, Jane simply read them both the main articles at breakfast while they ate, and that was that.
When she was finished, Maura had slid their plates and cups into the dishwasher. Jane closed the paper up and tossed it into the recycling, before walking up behind the doctor and wrapping her into a quick hug. The touching had become a much more commonplace occurrence. Never in front of anyone else, but when they were alone, Jane found that the easiest way to stifle her desire was to have her hands on Maura as much as possible. And the doctor never objected, seeming to enjoy the frequent PDA as much as Jane. She pressed her lips to Maura's neck, and the doctor rolled her head back to rest on Jane's shoulder.
"Ready?" she asked.
Maura murmured her assent.
Jane wanted to ask one more time if the blonde was certain, but she didn't. If Maura wasn't absolutely ready, they wouldn't be taking this next step. It was time. As much as she didn't want to admit it, it was time. And she was just going to have to accept it.
Jane dropped her hand as soon as the elevator dinged and Maura missed the contact immediately. They still hadn't made their relationship known to Jane's family or any of their friends, but it was becoming more difficult for both of them to remain completely professional outside of their home. Maura had discovered that she would lose focus easily, even going so far as to drift away from a conversation ever since her chemotherapy had started. Not only her vision was deteriorating, but also her attention span. When Jane was near her however, things came into clearer focus. The detective appeared to act as some sort of tuning device for Maura, an anchor of sorts.
The doctor forced herself back to the present as the doors slid open and Jane led the way out onto the homicide floor. They walked side by side through the glass doors. Barry Frost was behind his desk, but the rest of the floor was still quiet so early on a Friday.
"Morning Jane. Maura," he nodded to them both and Maura smiled back at him. Barry was a good man. A solid partner for Jane. He seemed to know when the fiery woman needed him to be silent support and when she needed her space, and Maura appreciated his friendship, both for Jane and for herself.
"Frost," Jane nodded to him, but her determined expression didn't fade. She glanced towards Cavenaugh's closed office door and groaned when she spotted Dr. Pike waiting there.
Maura grimaced as well.
"Dr. Isles!" The older man's voice echoed throughout the empty room. "I thought you said 8 o'clock."
"It's 8:04," Jane nearly snarled. Maura placed a calming hand on the detective's elbow. She could feel Jane vibrating beneath her touch. Frost cocked an annoyed eyebrow that the man's rude tone.
"Dr. Pike, thank you for agreeing to meet me," she said, aiming her cool words at the other man, but glancing at Jane while she spoke. "I'm sorry we're late."
"Yes, well..." the man trailed off, surprised at the apology. "Should we get on with it?"
"Of course," Maura agreed, but before walking over to him, she turned to face Jane. The detective was looking at her searchingly. "I'm alright," she said low enough so as to be for Jane's ears alone. The detective didn't relax at all, but her lips turned up in the hint of a reassuring smile.
"I'll be out here when you're done."
"Thank you," Maura wanted to kiss her. "Barry," she nodded to him as she passed and he grinned at her, glancing over at Jane to let her know he had it under control.
Pike had already knocked and gone in to Cavenaugh's office so she followed him inside, squaring her shoulders as she stepped across the threshold. It was time.
"Dr. Isles!" Lt. Sean Cavenaugh greeted her with enthusiasm. "Dr. Pike," the gentleman received a much less friendly welcome.
"Lieutenant," Maura replied.
"Sean," he ordered, not for the first time. He liked Dr. Isles. She was professional, intelligent, and she didn't take any crap from the guys. Plus, she seemed to be the only one able of mellowing out Jane Rizzoli, for which he was more than grateful.
"I assume you both know why I've asked to meet with you," she began. Pike rolled his eyes, but Sean merely looked at her. "I spoke to Governor Patrick on Monday, and he has since been in contact with Dr. Pike," she indicated the other medical examiner. "As of today, I will be leaving Boston PD for an indeterminate length of time," she forced the words out quickly.
Neither man looked surprised. Good.
"I will be taking a medical leave of absence. And Dr. Pike will be filling in for me as a temporary replacement while the governor looks for a more suita-that is, someone more permanent." Pike looked annoyed at her slip up, but she ignored him. "I wanted to make sure you were aware of the situation Lieutenant, since this change will directly affect homicide's dealings with the morgue." Cavenaugh nodded understandingly. "I will spend today bringing Dr. Pike up to speed on the open cases, and after that will be available via telephone and email if the need arises. Dr. Pike will also be keeping me up to date on everything."
Making the decision to leave had not been easy. The distraction her work provided had been welcome after the diagnosis. But after four weeks of chemotherapy, she could hardly stand upright for more than five minutes at a time, let alone spend eight hours a day at work.
Jane had, in fact, been more difficult to bring around to the idea than Maura would have thought. She assumed that with her protective nature, she would pleased. But instead, she'd seemed unsure. Supportive of course. But hesitant to completely agree. She'd insisted that Maura offer Cavenaugh her email and phone number for assistance in order to remain, at least somewhat, tethered to BPD. Jane had declared that Maura was the best ME they'd ever had, that Pike was an ignorant old fool, and that if Jane was going to have to work with him, she at least wanted to know that Maura was going to be aware of his actions, able to step in if need be. Maura had been forced to agree that it was logical.
Plus, she was reluctant to give up everything in one fell swoop. She honestly enjoyed her work. She found it rewarding and engaging and interesting. And she was a tiny bit afraid of what spending days at home might mean for her psyche. Work kept her focused, sharp. She relied on it. And so although she was taking time off, she would not be completely removed.
"Of course we'll be so sorry to see you go," Maura jerked back to herself to realize that Sean had been speaking. "But all of us here at homicide are rooting for you." The man looked decidedly uncomfortable. These were not his normal sailing waters.
"Thank you," she cut in, letting him off the hook. "Dr. Pike, we should get started." The other man merely sniffed and led the way out of the office.
"Dr. Isles," Cavenaugh's voice pulled her back.
"Yes?"
"About Det - that is - about Rizzoli..." he trailed off. Maura waited, unsure where he was going with it. "I know she's been taking the time off to-well-to be there...for you."
Maura nodded. Jane had said she'd talked to Cavenaugh. That he'd okay'ed it. Had he not?
"I spoke to her already of course, but I just wanted to let you know that it's alright."
"Pardon?" Maura was sincerely confused at this point.
"I'm not upset with her. For taking the time off," he clarified. "I just wanted to be sure you knew that. She's got about a year's worth of vacation days saved up anyways. Plus it makes my job that much easier when she's not around to be insubordinate," he smiled at her to let her know he was joking. "But it's a good thing, what's she doing. So don't be worried about that, alright?"
Maura felt a weight lift that she hadn't even been aware of. Jane had talked to Cavenaugh and had told her, time and again, that it was okay for her to be taking so much time off. But still, Maura had felt guilty about it. Jane was sacrificing a lot for her already, and her job, something she had, up until that point, given her life to, was quite a lot to give up, even if in a part time manner. At the Lt.'s words, the honey blonde felt the tension ease.
"Thank you, Sean," she said softly, tears suddenly filling her eyes. The man looked decidedly uncomfortable at the impending display of emotion.
"Like I said, we're all rooting for you. And Rizzoli, well, she's a good one to have in your corner."
Maura didn't understand the reference, but she appreciated the sentiment all the same. Sean didn't know how correct he really was. She opened her mouth to thank him again, when Dr. Pike's annoyed voice floated through the half open doorway.
"Dr. Isles? We have a lot to get through today..."
Sean gave her a sympathetic look. "Give 'm hell, Doc."
She smiled at him, before heading out the door. Give 'm hell. Yes. She would.
AN2: Thoughts? Good cookie recipes?