Maura jerked awake suddenly, surprised to find herself pushed to one edge of the cold sheets. She rolled over, towards where she vaguely remembered there was a source of warmth. It was the whimper that clued her in to what had woken her up in the first place. "Jay?" she mumbled.
Another whimper.
"Jay?"
A moan. "Maura," pulled out of the other woman as if she were being tortured. "Please."
"Jane," she was awake now. She forced her eyes to open fully. Nightmare. It kept repeating. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Have to get to Jane. She battled the fuzziness numbing her brain.
"Come back. Maur. Please," it was terrifying: the whimper.
"Jane, honey," Maura scooted over until she found Jane's body. "Sweetheart wake up."
The taller woman thrashed beneath her touch. "No. No. No. No."
Maura sat up. There was moonlight slanting through the window. She could just barely make out the other woman's features scrunched up in agony. Her face a rictus of terror. "Please," louder this time. Begging.
"Sweetie. Wake up." Maura rubbed the other woman's arm soothingly. No change. "Wake up, Jay." There were tears running down Jane's pale cheeks, glistening in the silver light. She struggled in the sheets. "Please, wake up." And Maura found that she was crying, too.
"Don't leave me. Maura. Don't. Please. Please."
"I'm here. Baby, I'm here." Maura couldn't stand it. She rolled over and lifted herself up on her arms, situating herself above the sleeping woman, and gently, slowly, slowly, whispering all the while, she lowered herself onto her detective, laying her body out along the top of Jane, fitting herself into the brunette's curves, her angles, her planes.
Jane thrashed for a moment until Maura released herself, placing all of her weight onto the other woman. "Jay, please wake up. I'm right here. I'm here, sweetheart. Wake up. Open your eyes pretty girl. Come back to me. I'm right here." She kissed the tears from Jane's cheeks. Over and over, until her lips were salty with the taste of Jane.
"Maura. Maura." The brunette took the other woman's lips in her, kissing until she was breathless. "Maura. Maura," and suddenly Jane was kissing her back, she was kissing back and Maura knew that she was waking up.
"Jane. Jay. Sweetie. I'm here."
"Maura. Please."
"I'm here. Look at me. Look at me, sweetheart." Maura pulled far enough away that she could make out Jane's deep brown eyes, black now in the darkness, staring back at her, the fog of the nightmare still hanging on to the edges of her consciousness. The detective's eyes were flicking back and forth, studying her face frantically, her hands running up and down the doctor's back, down her arms, back to her back. Her lips moved silently and Maura knew that she was counting, counting the bones of the medical examiner's spine.
Maura nodded. "Yes. Here I am. See, pretty girl."
But, Jane shook her head no, tears still wet on her face.
"T6. T7. T8." And finally Maura felt the tension leaving the body beneath her so that she, herself can also relax. Up and down they go. Up and down. Until Jane's hand stills. Maura's eyes were growing heavy again. "I'm here," she whispered.
"Don't leave," Jane spoke. She whispered. Whimpered.
"No. I won't. I love you." Maura leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to Jane's lips, waiting there patiently until Jane returned it. "I love you. I'm here." She wrapped her arms around her detective's thin waist and rested her head in the crook of Jane's neck, feeling the strong pulse hiding just beneath the skin. "I love you," and Jane shivered at the warm breath against her ear. "I love you."
"Mmmm," Jane snuggled closer to the warm body beside her. "Don't wanna get up," she mumbled.
Maura laughed softly, curling a long brown curl around her finger. "If you don't get up now, you're going to be late."
"Just wannastay in bed wif you all day," the detective slurred.
"No, no. You're already leaving early," and with that, the sleepy morning air was rent apart.
Jane pushed herself away from the other woman and sat up. She looked properly abashed when she saw Maura's sad face. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to waiting lips. "I hate today," she murmured, "but I love you."
"Love you, too," the doctor managed to make out between kisses. "Now go get ready. I'd rather not have to deflect an angry phone call from Lt. Cavenaugh this early in the day."
Jane groaned, but rolled over and out of bed in one swift motion. "17 days in a row. What does he think I am? Some sorta energizer bunny."
Maura cocked her head curiously.
"We need to work on your pop culture references. Energizer. Like the battery. The commercials all have this annoying bunny in them. Nevermind." Jane sighed good naturedly, swooping in for one more kiss, "You're beautiful," before making her way around the bed to the bathroom.
Maura considered getting up for all of about two seconds, but instead curled up in the warm cocoon left behind by her partner. She inhaled the scent of Jane pressed into the detective's pillow, and smiled slightly as she drifted back off into sleep.
She was woken once more by soft lips caressing her cheek. She gave an unintelligible moan and fluttered her eyelashes to show she was at least partly conscious. "I'll be here at 1:15 to pick you up," Jane said.
"Mmkay," Maura agreed.
"Try and rest today, please." She could practically feel the anxiety rolling off of her detective.
"I love you," she murmured, managing to crack open an eye. Jane was bent over, dressed, jacket on, travel mug in hand. She must have come all the way back upstairs to say goodbye. Maura would have melted if she was capable of it. "I love you," she said again, stronger.
Jane didn't respond, merely looked at her fondly, lovingly. "I'll see you this afternoon." One last peck and she was gone, taking her strength with her.
"Big day, huh," Frost's unassuming comment brought out of her reverie.
"Yeah," she grunted in return.
"Maura ready?"
"Yeah," again. She didn't really want to talk about it.
But, for some reason Frost was acting particularly thick today. "You leaving early?"
"Yes," she ground out through gritted teeth, staring at her computer screen and wondering why he wouldn't let it go. Frost was usually good at shit like that.
"Jane," and she saw his shoes next to his desk.
Glancing up warily, she made eye contact.
"Are you ready?"
"Jesus, what is this? Some type of therapy shit? Is the department paying you for this crap?" she asked angrily, not caring that her harsh words were uncalled for, not caring that she was channeling all her anxiety into someone who definitely didn't deserve it.
But, Frost merely looked at her solemnly.
"Jesus, Frost! I'm fine alright. It's not like I'm the one having who knows what kinda chemicals pumped into my system today."
He shrugged. "It's just you guys kind of know what to expect now. What with it being the second round and whatever, right?"
She bit her lip, her anger leaving her all of a sudden. That's what she'd been thankful for...and terrified about. "I guess."
He didn't reach forward to pat her on the shoulder, didn't look at her with pity in his eyes, instead he merely nodded thoughtfully and then turned back towards his own desk. "Okay."
"Frost," she called softly to him, and he paused. "Thanks, for being here." She flushed slightly, not used to making apologies, but Frost deserved it for putting up with all her crap. For being a friend to her, and to Maura.
He smiled cockily at her. "Didn't anybody tell you? I'm the best partner around. You should feel lucky to have me."
She wadded up an old piece of paper and threw it at him, but her arm wasn't in it. "I do," she said. And that was enough. He understood. They both went back to their own work. Jane tried to focus on the words swimming across the page, tried not to picture Maura at home, getting ready for a month of hell, tried instead to imagine the day when chemotherapy treatments were over and cancer no longer existed and bad guys didn't do stupid shit like kill people and she and Maura could finally, finally be happy.
"Shit," Jane swore, as she tumbled through the door. "Maur? I'm sorry I'm late! We got a call just as I was leaving!" Jane called into the house, unwilling to take off her boots. "The car's running. Are you ready to go?"
And then Maura was there in front of her, overstuffed bag on her arm.
"Here," Jane stepped forward and lifted the heavy item into her own grasp. "Ready?"
Maura nodded silently, and followed the detective out of the house, towards the waiting vehicle.
While they drove, Jane snagged glances across the center console, trying to determine whether or not Maura wanted her to speak or remain in a tense silence. Jane was feeling awkward. "So...how was your morning."
"Fine." Maura didn't look away from the window, a white knitted woolen hat pulled down low over her head. Jane tried not to think about what that hat was hiding.
"Did ma stop by?"
"Yes."
"Frost and Korsak say, 'Good luck.'"
"Okay."
They lapsed back into silence. Jane gripped the wheel tightly and focused on the road. But after pulling into a spot near the hospital doors and shutting off the engine, Jane shifted in her seat to face the medical examiner. She let out a sigh. The doctor still didn't look at her. "Well, I guess we oughta get in there." No response, not even movement to show that Maura had heard. "Maur," Jane tried softly, reaching out a hand but hovering over the detective's thin cheek.
To her surprise, Maura suddenly turned and practically lunged forward, placing her lips on Jane's in a fervent kiss. "Promise you'll still love me?" she sobbed.
"Maur. Maura!" Jane pulled away to see the other woman's face. Her heart clenched at the fear there.
"Promise you will still love me."
"Of course. Of course I will," Jane didn't understand.
"Because for the next four weeks, I am going to be weak and sick and not myself. And I don't want you to forget that that's not me. That si-sick person is not who I am. And I'm going to need you," the doctor's voice broke on the last few words. "I need you, Jay."
"Well, I'm right here," Jane murmured, pulling Maura tightly into her arms. "It's gonna be okay."
"Don't forget?"
"I won't," and it was more than a promise, if that were even possible.
"Okay," Maura heaved a deep breathe. "Goddamn it!" she exclaimed suddenly, wiping the tears off of her cheeks.
Jane was more taken aback by the sudden change in atmosphere than in the swear.
"I just wish I could see you! I mean, I can see you. My optic nerve is still transmitting images to my brain, it's just that you're-you're blurry, and I hate it."
Jane forced herself to laugh, "Hate's an awful strong word, Dr. Isles."
"Awfully."
"Awfully." She echoed.
"But it's the truth," and Maura peered up at her, biting her lip.
"You know, I think you're awfully cute when you do that."
Maura swatted her gently, and then soothed it with a quick kiss. "Don't forget?" and it was serious again.
"I won't," Jane repeated. "Now let's go. Ann is going to kill us both if we're late."
"Well, well, look at my two favorite people. And only five minutes late."
"Awww, you missed us," Jane smirked at the fiery nurse, while settling Maura in the large chair, whipping out the blanket immediately and settling it around her lover's small form. Maura smiled up at her.
"Well I certainly missed this one," Ann gave Maura's shoulder a quick pat before setting up her IV. "You on the other hand," she directed a pointed look at Jane, but winked conspiratorially at Maura.
"I'm crushed," Jane put a hand to her chest.
"Sit down," Ann ordered, "And keep your girl here company."
"Yes, Ma-"
"Ah!" The nurse held up a finger and Jane shut her mouth automatically. "What did I tell you about calling me that foul word?" She jerked her finger towards an extra chair. "Sit."
Jane grumbled, but pulled the plastic seat closer before flopping down into it.
"I'll be back in a bit to check on you," Ann said calmly to Maura, while Jane picked up the medical examiner's fragile hand in her own. The woman looked at their tight grasp, but didn't say a word. Smiling slightly instead, an expression Jane couldn't interpret flicked across her face before disappearing behind her normal, no-nonsense, grandmotherly mask. "Call if you need me," she directed this to Jane, as Maura had already leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes.
Jane simply nodded. 'Thanks,' she mouthed. And then she settled in to wait. Maura had gotten in the habit of sleeping through as much of her treatments as possible. It was easier for her that way. But that left Jane to entertain herself. Normally she wouldn't have been more fidgety than a tied up stallion, at least that's what her mother always said, but for those five hours, three days a week, she merely sat and waited, content to hold the ME's hand, and wait for their opportunity to break free of the hospital's oppressive walls.
Jane jerked upright, groaning at the crick in her neck.
"Well good morning there sleepy head," Ann was standing above her, hands on her strong hips.
The brunette wiped at her mouth before glancing quickly at Maura. The patient's head rested on the back of the seat, her eyes still firmly closed. " 't time is it?" she asked.
"She's just about done," Ann replied, pulling up a chair and settling in.
Jane glanced warily at her.
"So, have you been sleeping?"
"Wha-What?" Jane asked. She'd taken to wearing concealer, if only to hide the bags under her eyes. The nightmares were nearly every night now, but thankfully, she'd only woken Maura up once.
Ann tapped her chin thoughtfully. "You have to take care of yourself, too."
"Yes. I know that," Jane glanced away. She thought she should be feeling embarrassed, angry like she'd been with Frost. But instead, she felt like a little kid under inspection.
"I expect you to take care of that girl when I'm not around."
"I-I-"
Ann bumped her shoulder into Jane's. "Take some time, Detective. You understand me? You need some time for yourself, too."
"Is that a diagnosis?" Jane tried to joke.
Ann merely shook her head disparagingly. "That's an order, missy."
Jane debated arguing back but decided it wasn't worth it. "Sure," she mumbled.
"I'm serious," Jane looked up. Ann was studying her. "It's good that you love her. She needs some love. But you gotta love yourself, too. You hear me."
"Yeah, yeah I hear you." Jane didn't even wanted to know how Ann had seen through them that quickly.
"Alright. Wake her up then. You two get home and get some rest."
"Okay," and this was a whisper. Jane couldn't muster her normal bravado.
"I'll see you Wednesday," Ann replied, slipping off around the corner in search of another patient.
"Yeah," Jane agreed, before turning back to her sleeping girlfriend and kissing her forehead. She looked over her shoulder one more time, half expecting Ann's eyes to be on her. No sign of the nurse. Turning back, "Wake up, Maur. You're all done. C'mon, love. Wake up."
They made it home with no trouble. Maura fell asleep in the car on the ride. Jane drove silently, contemplating nightmares and nurses and non-existent plans for a future that didn't involve hospitals. She knew better than to offer the medical examiner any food, simply poured her a glass of water, and made sure she was settled on the couch, before retreating to the kitchen for a moment. She needed to gather herself. She felt sort of like she was splintering off into all this millions of pieces and she didn't know which way was up or down and she couldn't handle it. She just wanted Maura whole and well so then she could be whole, too.
Maura wasn't sleeping on the couch. She reached down to pat Bass, while flipping on the television, but muting the Discovery Channel. She didn't want to watch, not really. She was simply waiting for Jane to come back from wherever the brunette had disappeared to when they'd gotten home. Something had happened at the hospital, or today. Sometime between Jane's nightmare, and this morning when they pretended it hadn't happened, and work, and her appointment, something had happened. Maura didn't understand. Not completely, but she knew Jane was trying to cope. This was her way of coping. She wasn't running. But she needed her space. And Maura was content with that. She understood.
"You're alright, aren't you, Bass. Oh, and you, too!" Maura enthused when Jo Friday wagged up at her from next to the tortoise. "Well, come on then," she encouraged. The little dog hopped up beside her and curled up against her stomach. She ran a hand softly along the little dog's back. "I don't know how to ease her fears," she confessed to the pets. "I know she's been dreaming about me. About me disappearing. But I don't know how to help her. I want to be here for her. I want to show her that I love her and that I would never leave her. Not by choice," she felt her voice crack. "I love her so much, guys. She's so wonderful. I've never met someone like her before. I wish I could understand her. I feel like I do. Like she allows me access to parts of herself that no one else is aware of. Because she is so amazingly complex. I love her." She paused and looked down at the animals. Neither one appeared to be listening. She sighed. Speaking to pets. Goodness. "Well, anyway, I love her. And I want to stay here for her. To be strong for her." And then the three of them lapsed into silence, waiting for Jane.
It was only several more minutes, but it felt like hours to the medical examiner, before Jane came back into the room, not speaking, simply sitting down on the floor, back against the couch, and long legs stretched out beneath the coffee table. Maura reached forward to play with a single rebellious curl.
"You need to call your parents, Maura," Jane's voice was strangely calm. Nearly monotone. "You need to call them because they're your parents and they love you, and they deserve to know that yo- that- everything. They deserve to know everything. So you need to call them."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
She was as surprised as Jane sounded. But the detective was right. "Okay. I'll call them."
"You will?"
"Yes. I'll call them. And I'll invite them for Thanksgiving."
"It's a month away," Jane groaned.
"But your mother was correct. They should know. And I should invite them, even if they don't attend."
"They'll come," Jane turned to catch Maura's eye. "If you invite them, they'll come."
"You think so?" And she couldn't hide her old insecurities from surfacing.
"I know so," Jane promised, leaning in and planting a gentle kiss to Maura's forehead.
"I love you."
"Me, too. Come on." Jane stood. "Bedtime."
"I need to shower," Maura hated going to sleep smelling of hospital, of medicine. She'd working around formaldehyde her entire adult life, but she still couldn't stand going to bed smelling of the chemicals.
"Shower first then." Jane agreed. "Now up," and before Maura could move, Jane swept forward and lifted the doctor into her arms. Maura squealed in delight. She wrapped her arms around Jane's neck.
"I can walk, Detective," she teased lightly.
Jane shrugged, heading for the stairs. "And I like having you close," she admitted nonchalantly.
Maura flushed and kissed the side of her girlfriend's neck. "Take me to bed, Detective." And now it was Jane's turn to blush. Maura smiled at the warmth creeping up the Italian woman's beautiful skin.
"I'm coming!" Jane called, wiping the water off on her sweatpants while stalking towards the door. The doorbell rang for a second time. "I'm coming! Jesus," she muttered, glancing at the clock on the mantle as she passed. Eight in the morning. Who, in their right mind, rang the doorbell at eight in the freaking morning on a Saturday. She smothered a yawn. Last night had been...hell. The worst it had ever been. Maura was still asleep. Jane hoped she slept in for awhile. Her body needed the recuperation time. Jane wished she were still asleep, too. Or that she'd slept at all. At least Cavenaugh had given her the weekend off.
"I'm c-c-co-" she yawned again, "-ming." Shaking her head to clear it, she flipped the deadbolt, yanked open the front door, and froze.
The woman on the other side of the door looked as surprised as she felt. "Good morning."
"Uh..." Jane didn't know what to say. She realized her mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut. "How are you here already? Maura didn't even call you yet." She peered around the other woman suspiciously.
Constance Isles looked over her shoulder as though wondering what Jane was glaring at. "No, called me about what? I haven't heard from Maura in quite some time, but I'm in town on business and thought I might stop by. I'm sorry I didn't call first. I didn't realize that you," she looked Jane up and down, taking in her mussed curls, dark circles under her eyes, and ruffled pajamas, "that you would be here."
Jane looked down at herself, and sighed. Well, shit. "No, I - um - Maura's still asleep. But you're welcome to come in. I'm sure she'd be happy to see you."
"Thank you," Constance gave her a significant stare when Jane didn't leave the doorway.
"Right. Come on in then," sighing, the detective stepped back and ushered the dignified woman into the house. Maura was going to kill her. Jane tried to view the entryway through the eyes Maura would use. It was definitely not up to the doctor's ridiculous standards for her mother. The medical examiner usually spent the 24 hours before her mother's arrival cleaning so furiously that you could have eaten off the floor. Jane sighed. No, it was not up to the normal standards. Maura was going to freak out. Jane waited until Constance shed her coat and shoes before leading the way into the kitchen.
"Can I get you some coffee or tea?" Jane asked politely, her brain running a hundred miles a minute. She'd have to wake Maura up, but she desperately didn't want to. Maybe she could call her mother; Angela would keep Constance occupied.
"Tea would be fine, thank you."
Jane filled the kettle from the tap. "Is, um, Dr. Isles in town, too?" She'd never met Maura's father.
"Richard? No, he's still in London."
"Oh." An awkward silence descended over the room. Jane snuck a glance at the other woman, seated primly at the kitchen island. When the kettle began to sing, she sighed gratefully and filled the mug. "Here," she slid it towards Constance who smiled her thanks. Jane tapped her fingers against the counter anxiously. "Well, I guess I can go wake Maura up for yo-"
"Why were you so surprised to see me?" Constance cut her off suddenly, peering piercingly over the rim of her cup. "You said she hadn't called me yet. What did you mean by that, Detective?" Constance only ever called her detective.
Jane groaned internally. Lie. Lie, lie, lie, she told herself. "Oh, just to catch up," she gritted out.
"My daughter does not often contact me simply to 'catch up.' Although, after the accident, I though perhaps we had turned a new leaf. But I have not heard from her in several months. Why is that?"
Jane was not easily intimidated, but this woman was positively terrifying. "I-I don't really know," she lied again.
But Constance wasn't having it. "She and I agreed to try communicating more when I left the hospital, but so far, neither one of us has been succeeding although that well. Maura does not often rescind on her word. Surely you know that, Detective," there was a tone there, barely veiled, but Jane couldn't quite decipher it.
"I think," she paused, rubbing her palm, "I think she should be the one to tell you."
Constance examined her. "Alright."
"So, I'll just go get her for you."
"Fine," Constance shifted in her chair, picking up the paper Jane had set on the counter and unfurling it. "I'll be here."
Jane nodded and made her way towards the stairs, but she paused before leaving the room. "Mrs. Isles -"
"Constance." Jane wondered why she was allowed to call the other woman by her first name if Constance still insisted on calling her by her title.
"Constance," she forced out, "Just, when Maura comes downstairs, you should, well, I would appreciate it if..." she trailed off, miserable and unsure of how to communicate her desire.
"Yes?" The mother urged her.
"Just, try not to react too much," she finally let out. "And let her explain first, befor-before anything else." She avoided looking at Constance until the silence had dragged on for far too long. But she was surprised to see a smile on the imposing face.
"You're always protecting her," Constance murmured. Jane flushed. "I'll be down here whenever she's ready," she turned back to her paper, and the brunette rushed upstairs, trying to make sense of it all.
It was so unlike Constance to simply show up out of the blue, and after such a hard night. She laughed at the terrible timing of it all. A harsh, cold laugh with not a hint of humor in it. Resting her head against the door frame, she gathered herself. This could go bad, badly, very quickly. "Here goes nothing," she murmured, before positioning herself next to the bed. She looked down at the sleeping form in front of her. Maura's face was pale, her breathing slow and labored. With one hand, she clutched at the coverlet, even in the sleep. The other was flung out towards Jane's side of the bed, reaching for her partner. Her bald head rest on the pillow. Jane stretched out with one finger and traced Maura's ear, down her neck to rest on her protruding collar bone. "Love you," she whispered, then she bent down and took Maura's hand in her own, rubbing it gently. "Maur. Maur, time to wake up, honey. I'm sorry, but it's time to get up." Jane hated herself for having to do this. She wanted to let Maura keep sleeping, to handle it herself, but she couldn't. The medical examiner would want to deal with this little speed bump on her own. "Wake up," Jane whispered, kissing the exposed cheek. "Wake up, pretty girl."
Thoughts?