"It has always seemed that a fear of judgment

is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity."

― Criss Jami

The Aftermath

Beca couldn't stop shaking. Her hands, her feet, her entire body trembled. She hurt Chloe. The one person in the entire world she wanted to protect more than anyone else was lying lifeless on the meek hospital bed because of her.

Her heart ached at the mere thought of hurting her girlfriend. And knowing that she was the cause of this drove her to edge. It was her fault. It was all her fault. If she hadn't bought those damn tickets then Chloe wouldn't have needed a new outfit and she wouldn't have had to race ahead of her.

No, it wasn't the tickets. She had to buy them. The smile on the girl's face was worth it. The only thing she could blame was herself for was running past her lover.

Why? Why was she always running? Beca always assumed that no matter how far she ran or how fast, Chloe would always follow. And because of that, she was hurt. Deep down Beca knew that she would always stop running for her. If Chloe asked, Beca would slow down just to be with her. But she also knew that Chloe loved her too much to ever ask such a thing. And knowing that made her feel even worse.

Chloe had been lying in that hospital bed for the past five days, slipping in and out of consciousness but with no one around when she did. So it was Beca's mission to stay at her side until she woke up again.

The truck had head her head on and left her with severe head trauma, three broken ribs, a broken leg, and her entire right arm was broken in several places as well. Being a well-known young violinist in their small town, the doctor's first words were that they were unsure if she could ever play the same again.

"Beca, you can go home now." A hand on the brunette's shoulder made her jump. She turned her head around and faced Chloe's mother, Katherine. "You've been here for four days straight now. You need to go home and rest, sweet pea." The woman said softly.

"I...I can't." Beca whispered. "I need to be here when she wakes up. I need to make sure she's okay," Right when she had thought she ran out of tears, more threatened to pour out. "I need to apologize. I need to say 'I'm sorry' because I... I love her and I never wanted to hurt her. And I can't just keep going on not knowing if she's going to make it or not. It's killing me... I'm sorry, but I can't just leave."

The woman sighed and sat down next to the brunette in the uncomfortable puke-green plastic chair.

"You really do love her, don't you?"

Beca smiled sadly through her tears. "I don't think I've ever loved someone this much... I just can't live without her." She looked up at her Katherine and saw tears streaming down her own cheeks.

"I'm not saying that she won't make it. Chloe's always been a tough girl. But in any case she doesn't pull through... Just remember that when you love something, you have to let them go. I know it's not what you want to hear but whatever happens will be for the best. I just want you to protect yourself, sweet pea."

Chloe's parents were always so kind to Beca. When she was only eleven years old, both her parents died in a car accident and she was sent to live with her grandmother in the heart of Italy. The poor old woman who could barely take care of herself let alone take care of a growing girl. But the Beale's stepped in and paid for Beca's grandmother to be flown over to them and helped raise Beca themselves. Even with all the new time the she spent with her grandmother, she felt closest to Chloe's parents. And she was thankful for them and everything they did.

Beca nodded and choked on more tears. Had everyone already lost hope? Were they all really giving up that easily? She knew she couldn't. If anything, she had to be stronger. For both her sake and Chloe's.

"Okay then. If you insist on staying then go ahead and stay in the guest bed in her room." The red haired woman said, standing up.

"But that's for you and—"

Katherine smiled and patted the young girl's head. "Don't worry about us, sweet pea. You just go in there and make sure she's okay."

Beca gave a thankful nod before walking into the dark room. It was already past visiting hours, but the violinist's parents had told the hospital staff that Beca was their stepdaughter and was allowed to stay.

Once inside, Beca slowly walked up to her sleeping girlfriend. She looked at the broken fragile body surrounded by fluffy dark navy sheets. Beca had insisted on bringing her own comforter for Chloe, knowing that she loved the brunette's scent on it whenever she slept over and if anything, it would help her feel more relaxed.

With each step she took closer, Beca felt her heart shatter into a million more pieces. Even with all the cuts and bruises, Chloe still looked like an angel. Her long auburn tresses flowed in waves down her pale cheeks and curled past her neck. She slept with such a peaceful expression that Beca had to check the monitor to see if her heart was still beating.

beep, beep

Usually the sound of Chloe's heart beating made Beca feel at peace but the artificial one seemed to mock her. It was just a cruel reminder that Chloe needed it in case her own heart went out and the only way anyone would know was because of the stupid machine.

Beca grunted and glared at the monitor tracking the pulses per minute. Deciding that she needed to feel Chloe's heartbeat rather than hear the annoying beeping, she gingerly climbed into bed next to her girlfriend and slowly wrapped her arms around the small thin waist. Careful of the injured arm, Beca shifted so that she could lean her head on the redhead's chest without causing any pain or discomfort to her lover.

thump, thump

Satisfied with hearing the real thing, Beca smiled for the first time in days. She leaned up slowly and softly pressed her lips against Chloe's. They lacked the warmth that the usually held and she couldn't help the extra tears that began dotting the corners of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Chlo..." She whispered in the dark, crying herself to sleep, keeping a soft but firm hold on her lover.

Chloe woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that she was in the arms of another person. She couldn't tell who the mysterious stranger was but there was something familiar about the strong arms that wrapped around her so naturally and the crisp scent of the wind that seemed to accompany whoever this person was.

She suddenly felt exhaustion settle in her bones and before she could wake up this other person or even try to get a better look at them, sleep took her prisoner.

A muffled groan escaped her throat as she buried her face deep in sweet smelling red curls.

"Beca, you need to get up. They're about to give her another x-ray and unless you want to be a camera hog and take up the entire picture, I'm gonna need you to get off the bed." A deep voice said.

Beca groaned again and raised her head to look at the boy talking to her. He stood at a tall 6'5" and was finishing his final chapter in puberty. His dark brown hair was always kept in a neat slicked back look and his gold eyes were fierce and looked as if they could see right through you.

Kenneth Henderson—Ken, for short, was Chloe's next door neighbor and family friend. Both the Beale family and the Henderson family had been tied together for the past six generations and have always kept a close relationship. Marrying one of the offspring of the other party wasn't mandatory but greatly encouraged.

Since the beginning, Ken had been the perfect son of the Henderson family. He was handsome, smart, athletic, and could charm any girl right into his arms.

Any girl except Chloe.

Girls constantly threw themselves at the young man but none of them interested him any further than a kiss or two. None were musically gifted like Chloe. None had the same class as Chloe. None had the witty and coy personality like Chloe. And no one was as beautiful as Chloe. The one girl he actually liked was instead in the arms of another. A girl's arm for Christ sake! One thing he hated with fiery burning passion was losing. And the one thing he hated even more, was Beca Mitchell. How dare she sweep his destined bride off her feet and steal her away from him?

Ken still didn't understand what exactly made the brunette so special in Chloe's eyes, but what he did know was that Chloe will be his. No matter what.

"Well? Are you going get up or do I have to drag your fat ugly ass off of Chlo?"

Beca growled lowly before sitting up. "You know she hates it when you call her that. Only I can."

"She isn't awake is she?" He rolled his eyes and gave her a 'duh' look.

She sent him her coldest glare that made him swallow a bit. But thankfully before she had a chance to walk over and rip his throat out, Chloe's mother and father walked in.

"Beca? You're still in bed? Sweet pea, you need to go freshen up." Katherine said, a bit concerned.

"She was just on her way out, right Bec?" Ken answered for her in an overly sweet voice. If possible, Beca's glare became even colder.

"Oh, good then. Well after you do that perhaps the three of us can get some coffee for everyone else while Kat stays here with out little trooper." Griffin Beale offered. Beca forced herself to smile and nod at Chloe's father.

"Whatever you say," Beca got up from the bed and looked back down at her broken angel and whispered: "Wait for me, Chlo."

The trio returned about twenty minutes later with the requested caffeine only to find a numb looking Katherine sitting on the chair across from the patient's bed. A bad feeling began to swell in Beca's stomach.

"Kate, what's wrong? What happened with Chloe?" Beca was the first to ask as she raced over to the mother.

"Beca..." She began, "Sweet pea, I'm so sorry but-"

"Who are you?" The brunette whirled around and saw Chloe sitting up right, propped against a few pillows. She noted the new bandage around her head and the cast around her arm while the rest of the damage was hidden underneath the blanket.

"Chlo? You're not really asking that are you?" She asked almost desperately.

"I'm sorry but I really don't know who you are." The red haired girl apologized, looking like she was actually sympathetic. "Are you my... best friend?" She asked unsurely.

Beca almost burst out laughing at the question. "Uhm, kind of. I'm your...girlfriend." She answered a bit shyly.

Chloe choked on a laugh. "You're kidding right? I would never date a girl!" She said between giggles. "That's absurd!"

If Beca had ever felt any pain at all, it was multiplied ten fold when she heard the words come out of her girlfriend's (ex girlfriend?) mouth. Tears suddenly filled her eyes and she bunched her hands into fists.

Oblivious to Beca's reaction, Chloe continued. "You," She pointed to Ken who had the same look of shock as her parents had. "Are you my boyfriend?"

"Well actually I'm—"

"Okay, that's enough." Griffin suddenly broke in, but the stupid boy continued.

"I'm the boy who has always loved you and that emo demon right there is the reason why you're in here in the first place!"

Without warning, a fist came hurdling towards the boy's face and hit him square in the nose, knocking him over.

"Beca!" Katherine stood up and called after the girl who was already running out of the room. She looked down at the now unconscious boy laying on the floor before beginning to go catch up to Beca, but her husband's soft voice stopped her.

"Let her be. When she wants to talk, she'll talk."

—x—

Bolting from the hospital as fast as her strong legs could carry her, she ran straight to her lover's house. Well, ex-lover.

Once there, she reached deep into her front pocket for the spare key she was given and unlocked the door. She ran up the spiral staircase ignoring Chloe's puppy Mozart, or Mo for short, on her way up. She slowly walked up to the violinist's bedroom door and closed her eyes as her shaking hands reached for the knob and turned. Keeping her eyes closed, she took a few steps into the familiar surroundings and took a deep breath before opening them.

With a sad, almost sadistic smile she looked at all the things that took up Chloe's room. There were hundreds of pictures all over the walls of the two growing up together, smiling happily with arms around their best friend in a tight hug.

On the desk there were more photos but in picture frames. There was the one from when they went skiing and it was a close up of two grinning girls with rosy cheeks and thick scarves wrapped around their necks. Another was a snapshot of the duet they performed a few months ago. Her long fingers traced the silver picture frame. Their eyes were closed and they had concentrated but peaceful expressions as they played. Beca could practically hear the final crescendo that ended the perfect piece and the perfect night.

She turned over to the large bed that she had spent many, many nights in. It looked so warm and inviting that Beca almost dove into the covers and tried to forget the world and just get lost in the sweet smelling Chloe scent she knew so well. But instead she noted the only thing on Chloe's bed— the worn stuffed dolphin Beca had given her for her eleventh birthday. The dolphin's name was Dee because the word dolphin was too long to say so Dee fit just perfect. It rolled off the tongue too. Dee the Dolphin. Beca picked up the toy and gave it a hug before sighing and letting it drop back onto the bed.

Beca walked to the center of the room and took another deep breath before tearing everything off one of the walls. She tore off every single picture of the two of them and crumpled them into little balls of trash. She moved to the desk and with one sweep of her arm, all the picture frames fell to the ground and the glassed cracked as it hit the hardwood floor. Not even noticing the pain as a few shards of glass managed to lodge in her exposed legs, she went to the other walls and did the same thing. She only stopped to wince when she gripped a picture in the wrong position and got a paper cut. She stuck her thumb in her mouth and looked at the picture that got her to stop from her rampage.

Without thinking, the girl yanked the picture from the wall and stuffed it into her pocket. She glanced at Dee who was sitting awkwardly towards the foot of the Chloe's bed and decided against taking it. Beca pulled out a plastic garbage bag from the pantry she had grabbed on her way to the bedroom and shoved all the torn pictures and broken memories into the bag before leaving with a loud slam of the tall wooden door.

When she arrived at the beach, she took her time walking to the cliff and reflected on her relationship with a certain violinist.

She'd always assumed that even if they hadn't met that night at the concert she would've found her angel one way or another. They were supposed to just share one look and fall in love at first sight. But now Beca was second-guessing herself. Perhaps Chloe falling in love with her was merely a stroke of luck. Now that she had no memory of Beca whatsoever, and the way she reacted just showed that maybe love at first sight didn't exist for the two of them.

But even if she did remember Beca, that would also mean she remembered the accident and how it really was all Beca's fault. Deep down she knew that the redhead would forgive her but the guilt and shame she felt kept her from ever wanting to face the violinist again.

She figured that it was meant to be. This way, Chloe wouldn't just know Beca as the girl who caused the accident and she wouldn't have to deal with all the negative things a same sex relationship brought up. Her Chloe wouldn't have to deal with all those stares and snide comments whenever she kissed the person she loved.

Chloe could be happy and live out her perfect life without Beca.

She knew that she was sacrificing a lot. Beca was sacrificing her own happiness in exchange for Chloe's but she knew it was a good deal. She'd just force herself to go on without Chloe. Disappearing out of her life was the easy part. Beca would just take that invitation to go study abroad in Europe that her parents planned in case something happened to her grandmother.

Beca reached the cliff and sat down on the edge right where Chloe herself was sitting not five days ago. She picked up the trash bag and emptied the contents into the sea.

Tired green eyes watched as all her favorite memories washed away far from her. With a sigh she reached into her pocket and pulled out the picture from earlier.

It was an old fashion photo booth picture that had six small snapshots of her and Chloe in a strip. The first two were just pictures of them making silly faces but the next one caught them in an affectionate gaze at one another. The next one was the same but their eyes were half closed and their faces inches apart. Finally, the next photo captured the sweet kiss the two girls shared and the last photo was the two of them smiling happily for the camera. Beca remembered when this was all taken. It was on their first official date together.

More tears rolled down her flushed cheeks and she angrily wiped them away.

It was for the best best. It was best if Chloe forgot her and everything they had because when you love something, you let it go.