CHAPTER 3 - Clarification

Morning came slowly. And they spent most of it behind the computer to find out more about the witch. Derek saw some symbols in his dream and they were trying to find it.

Stiles was sitting and Derek was right behind him. He could feel the wolf getting closer and even sniff him. This motion was more than distracting. To be honest it was getting annoying.

"Could you stop sniffing me!" Stiles pointed out blankly.

The wolf furrowed his brows, turned to him and answered loudly. "Do you know how hard it is to me to hold back this urge to touch you?" he made out the words as clearly as possible "Every time I try to remember something I see your face and feel so many feelings that my head wants to explode. If I could I would have you right here on this table." his face was so close to his that Stiles felt his breath on his neck.

Stiles did not expect that kind of reaction from this Derek. The sudden mood change was oddly arousing. His heart fluttered and he said silently his previous annoyance completely gone. "Okay you can sniff me."

"Thank you!" Derek replied loudly and turned his eyes back to the computer.

Stiles couldn't decide if he wanted to find this witch or not. Somebody was getting to his old habits and he was sure that the real Derek would never confess something like that. If I could be selfish I would keep him the way he is now. He thought calming his heart beat. His raw anger is one of the few things that defines him and now when it's not pointed at me, it was mind-blowing. Conflicted or not, Stiles found something.

"Listen to this" Stiles started "There is a witch who leaves traps to supernatural creatures. The traps are purely emotional. It captures a broken soul" he paused looking sadly on the screen, not wanting to continue. Thinking about Derek as a broken soul made him sad. "Any creature who has a cracked soul must do a full recovery in order to move on. A strong one will out live it, a smart one will live through it and a weak one will die. This spell will help you or kill you – accept your true self." Stiles nodded understanding "Either way you have to do the five stages of grief."

Waiting for a simpler answer Derek was left confused "And?"

"What?"

"How can we reverse it or fix it?"

"I just said it. You have to complete your emotional stages."

Feeling that this sigh was followed by many others he touched the bridge of his nose and asked "How?"

"Right now you are at anger." he rolled his eyes "Clearly... The right order is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance." He looked at Derek carefully. "I think..." he paused to find some courage "I think that you have been through so many loss... and every time you have kind of stayed in the second stage – anger. That is why the trap worked on you."

"Are you saying that I am a an emotional wreck?"

"No. I'm saying that..." he chose his words wisely "you have a lot to process. Too much even. And now it all caught up."

"But how am I supposed to move on when I can't really remember everything."

"Well we already started with the whole remembering feelings thing so that's good." he sounded hopeful.

Derek just stared at him with a blank face – annoyed and hopeless.

"It's going to be fine. I'll help you." Stiles stood up and started to touch him reassuringly but stopped himself. Derek looked a bit hurt by the movement. "Just go for a little wolf run and I'll grab some stuff from home and we will talk about it again tonight."

"Fine." Derek said shortly already wolfing up and walked out of the door.

Stiles was surprised how himself he was. I should do some research on this. No mater how similar he is to his old self his not fixed yet. Stiles grabbed his car keys and walked out of the house. Regretting the decision not to touch him.

"We can't force this. You can't just start bargaining and then feeling depressed. You need to just think about it, talk about it and feel everything." Stiles tried to make this as simple as possible.

Derek was still a bit annoyed and Stiles wasn't sure if he was getting through to him.

Stiles rolled his eyes and sat next to him. "You said that you felt sadness when you thought about your family." the closeness seemed to help.

"They are dead aren't they." it was more of a statement than a question. "The harder I think the worse it is. I don't want that." Derek shook his head standing up.

Stiles felt a sudden need to hug him "I know it's hard but try. You can't block it out forever. You can't have all the answers but you can accept your feelings about them." He wanted to add a I'll be here for you! But with his head over thinking everything he missed the right moment.

The wolf just walked around in thought and occasionally stared out the window. Silence between them was filled with heart beats. Derek found a sudden calm while listening it. Finally he turned to Stiles "Guilt. I feel a lot of guilt. Like I was responsible for all the sadness."

Stiles understood but didn't want to interrupt. Not yet. He was close. But giving a moment to himself proved otherwise.

"The guilt and the sadness together is impossible..." Derek squeezed his eyes together "I want to feel angry and break something." he took a deep breath and exhaled. "Yeah, breathing doesn't help." Derek welcomed the anger and let it fill him. Everything was pissing him off. He looked around for something to kill. The closest thing to him was a chair. There was nothing special in that chair, but still Derek kicked it into two and smashed the rest into pieces.

"Whoa, big guy..." Stiles stood and walked towards him "No need to get angry. You have been angry for a long time."

Derek looked at Stiles "You should step back." He looked at the space that was between them. " I am not accountable for my actions when you are this close to me." The wolf breathed loudly and his eyes turned from angry to lustful. Stiles swallowed loudly.

"I... wasn't trying to... you know..." Stiles didn't expect this and he couldn't respond to it in any way, even stepping back like he was suggested.

"Suit yourself" Derek shrugged and stepped closer grabbing him by the waist and pulling him even more closer. Stiles put his hands on Derek's chest to push him away, but at the same time Derek kissed his neck, gently moving to the other side and kissed again. Stiles breathed out shakily and held on to him. This was all too much for him and he felt his knees were giving up. Derek reached his mouth and this time Stiles was the one who pressed his lips against his. A moment after that he pushed Derek away, again. He took his hands off him, straightened his shirt not really knowing what to do to them. He just scratched his head touched his arms and after fidgeting just hid his hands deep into his pockets.

"I will pizza some orders... I...I mean.. I will order some pizza..." he said awkwardly and quickly escaped the room.

Derek looked him go smiling, but turned to sad when he heard Stiles was far away. He knew had some guilty feelings to sort out. Why aren't these emotions as easy as the feelings I have for Stiles? He sighed and stared out of the window.

After making some awkward promises about not repeating what happened last night, Stiles joined his bed again. In his head it was because then he can help Derek if he has another dream. In reality he just wanted to be close to the him.

Stiles couldn't sleep and he was sure that neither did Derek. They both were restless and silent. Stiles hoped he was processing his thoughts. Not wanting to think on his own he pushed himself to go to sleep.

Few minutes later Derek filled the silence "I know we said no funny business in bed, but can I hold your hand."

"Um..."

Hearing his heart going crazy Derek rolled his eyes "I am not going to have sex with your hand. I just want to hold it."

That sentence blew every cognitive skill out of his brain. Stiles couldn't be any more still even if his life depended on it.

Derek realised what his words did and he apologized, still taking his hand into his. "Just that your heart beat is kind of relaxing to me and it was getting slower because you were falling asleep. But this..." he squeezed his hand "..this is perfect."

"Perfect?" Stiles said his voice higher than usual "My heart is going to jump out of my chest."

"Like I said...perfect."

Stiles let out a shaky breath. There goes sleep. He just turned his body to face his side to look at him. Derek was staring at the ceiling like there was something really interesting happening. He noticed Derek frown and sometimes even wince. He knew better to not to ask anything. He just waited until the wolf was ready to speak his thoughts. Until then Stiles just enjoyed his hand touching his.

Half an hour later Stiles could hear those thoughts.

"Uhg.. I hate this." the wolf squeezed his hand "I think I am not angry any more."

"Just like that?"

"No... Well yes. Right now I only feel sadness... I think. This crap with my family is history. My anger can't change anything. It can only destroy my life if I don't change."

Stiles smiled a small smile in the darkness.

Derek sighed "I would give anything to see my loved ones again. So I could feel happier when I think about them. So I could feel happy for them." He looked around the room "I mean I can't be happy in this place." he turned to Stiles "Am I happy?"

Stiles looked for the right words but there weren't any. "Derek you weren't really open about your emotions and feelings. You were always determined and angry and..." Stiles chuckled " and really annoyed at me most of the times"

Derek nodded "Maybe there is a way in this spell to reverse some of the things that happened in my life. I would give my wolf, my life to give anybody in my family the life she or he deserves." Derek knew that it was impossible but the hope inside him wanted to think differently. He sat up in the bed, letting his hand go and turning his back to Stiles.

Stiles was looking at his back, wanting to touch the muscles. He stood up to put his hands around him when he saw something in the moonlight. There was a weird tattoo on his shoulder blade. Two small black circles and three black stripes. On top of each other. Stiles heard Derek sigh again and with that the first stripe turned into a small black circle. Stiles couldn't believe his eyes, but he understood. Three stages were done, two more to go.