CHAPTER 4 - Sadness

Stiles was lying in the bed with Derek beside him, resting his hand on his chest. Stiles couldn't really sleep. The next stage was going to be hard. His mind was filled with Derek's problems that he didn't have the time to think about his own. Actually that made it our problem. Stiles smiled. This moment was perfect. It was just them. He didn't want to over think it like he usually does. But soon enough he had to.

Derek woke up slowly and when he noticed how close he was to Stiles he took his hand and turned to him "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing, you are freaking me out with that." Stiles said firmly but smiled at the end.

Derek smiled back "I feel a lot better. Maybe I'm moving in the right direction."

Stiles nodded "I think so". He decided not to mention the tattoo, this would go faster when he is not checking it every two minutes. They were both looking each other for a minute but it felt al lot longer. Stiles was about to say something awkward or run out of the room but he saw Derek getting anxious. Stiles frowned, Derek doesn't get anxious.

"Sorry I can't stop myself" Derek said suddenly and kissed Stiles. Wolf's hand gently caressing his cheek. Stiles was really surprised, but had no intention to push him back this time, he wrapped his hands tightly around him and pulled him even closer. Derek moaned and moved in for a deeper kiss, placing his hands on his waist and back. Finally Stiles pulled away for a breath and they looked at each other, lips inch apart. Stiles didn't know what came over him, he pushed Derek so he could be on top of him. Derek was not expecting that, so the second Stiles was on top, he placed his hand behind Stiles neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. They were both mesmerized by the moment, but Stiles couldn't get the thought out of his head, the thought that Derek is not himself. Not yet. Stiles pulled away gently, sighed and rested his head against him "I'm sorry."

"I'm not." Derek grinned "I went for a kiss and got a lot more..."

Stiles laughed now and laid on the bed next to him. "I don't know what came into me." he paused "I should get dressed and downstairs before I get anxious and embarrassed and fidgety and all that." He stood from the bed already feeling awkward and he swore he could hear Derek smile.

Stiles was making breakfast when Derek came down the stairs, they exchanged a smile. Stiles frowned, something was different.

"Are you wearing my shirt?"

The wolf looked at himself "It's possible. I have no idea which ones are mine..."

Stiles chuckled "Maybe the ones that fit you?" because that shirt was hugging his body so closely that Stiles had a lot of impure thoughts rushing into his mind.

"Oh, good point..." Derek almost blushed at least Stiles thought so for a second. But then tought that Derek is too manly for that shit. Either way he didn't change the shirt, just started to make coffee for them, like they never had that conversation. That made Stiles laugh and his laugh made Derek grin.

Happiness was the one word that described this day the best. Derek was feeling great and Stiles loved every moment of it. The way he laughed, grinned, secretly touched him... It was warmth that Stiles craved the most, the openness and wolf's body heat next him. They never mentioned the spell or any emotions, just enjoyed each others company. Sadly with this much fun and laughter the day went quickly into the night. Stiles felt the awkwardness coming for a mile away – the moment they finished dinner. Both of their head was full of restraint and lust, so when it was bedtime they stepped into a nice pool of discomfort.

They were bot lying in the bed, unsure what to do. They haven't really talked about their mutual feelings. Derek understood why this wasn't okay until he got his memories back, but still... The feelings he felt were really strong, permanent even. Why hold them back? He could make things simpler to the "real" Derek.

Stiles wasn't sure what he felt, there was something and that something was getting stronger every day. Still this wasn't really Derek, this was a little confused piece of the real him. What scared Stiles the most was that without the spell none of it would have happened. Even if their feelings were there before, neither of them would act on them. At least not any time soon. There was just one thought that kept Stiles on the edge. What if he will forget completing the stages? It was a possibility. What if the last stripe turned into a circle and things got back to normal. Sadness covered this whole thought, until he realised. He could have a little piece of heaven, without any consequences...

Stiles turned to Derek who was on his back eyes closed. Stiles took his shaky hand and placed on the wolf's naked chest. He felt the sudden intake of breath. Stiles moved closer and kissed his shoulder, paused and moved closer kissing his neck. Derek was holding back the moans, when he felt his lips moving closer to his. Stiles put his hand on Derek's waist, moving his body on top of him. His kisses made its way to his mouth and then he stopped.

"Good night." Stiles gave him a gentle kiss and turned to his side.

"W-What?" Derek was confused "You can't do that! You are joking, right? Stiles. Stiles?" Derek breathed out loudly, really hot and bothered but understood that this was better than nothing.

Stiles couldn't stop grinning, he had never had so much power over anybody. But he knew this was too mean, he took the wolf's right hand and put it on his waist so Derek was spooning him. He was taken aback by this but having Stiles in his arms was just what he needed.

Stiles couldn't be in that house any more, he was feeling trapped so they decided to go for a run after breakfast. He had nothing against having alone time with his wolf but the walls were closing in on him. Derek wasn't really sure about running but after seeing Stiles get this excited made him change his mind.

"Okay now... no wolf shit." Stiles held his hands up like it was a deal breaker.

The wolf chuckled "Deal, but I may need to use them to move as slow as you do." Derek thought that he was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing.

"Very funny." Stiles looked blankly but joined him shortly "I will have you know that constantly running away of danger, can really help your stamina."

Air in the forest was exactly what they both needed, they started their run on a path, but after Derek saw how good Stiles was they moved deeper into the forest. Their pace was pretty fast, Derek was more than impressed.

Stiles was liking their little activity, he was amazed how smooth and relaxed everything was. He hasn't even stuttered, fidgeted or been awkward. He was very proud of himself. And soon enough he tripped over his own legs and fell.

Derek was right by his side mortified, checking if he was okay. Stiles was used to falling down on weird places and when he saw blood on his arm he chuckled.

"Leave it to me to injure myself, again" Stiles looked at his little wound. It hurt a bit, but he was okay. Derek on the other hand was not.

"What's wrong?" Stiles asked carefully because he looked pale.

The wolf whispered " There is no point..."

"What do you mean?"

"There is no point on any of this! You will die Stiles!" he yelled looking at him realising the full seriousness of this thought. " You will die, like everybody else I have ever loved."

Stiles saw a panic attack coming, he stepped to him and grabbed his shoulders "I am fine. It was just a scratch. I am not going to die."

"Maybe not now but then there is tomorrow, the day after that..." he couldn't stay still so he stepped back and rested his hands on his knees. Feeling that he can't breathe. "You could die any second."

Stiles tried to stop where his thoughts were going "I am not going to die Derek. We have been through so much and I'm pretty sure I have saved you a lot more times than you have saved me."

"But the fact that either of us need saving means that trouble and death follows me everywhere..."

"To be honest I am the trouble magnet." Stiles started to tell but knew that it wasn't a good thing to admit right now "I mean... um... I kind of go looking for it but I can stop." he finished hopeful but he knew he failed.

"That leaves me and death." he started to walk back and forth.

"No, Derek. You can't..."

"I can't what? Be realistic? This is bullshit." he yelled turning to Stiles " It doesn't matter what I do or feel, if I kill everybody around me. My own anger will probably end up killing me."

"You are not killing everybody."

"Fine not kill, hurt!" he said pointing to the wound stiles was now trying to hide.

"This?! This is nothing. And I did it all by myself. You can't take any credit for this scratch."

Derek paused still pacing angrily "No, but I have hurt you before haven't I"

"Um... not really." Stiles said carefully knowing this will trigger something.

Derek snarled "The fact that you need to think before you answer this simple fucking question is fucking insane! Why haven't I acted these feelings I have for you before? Instead I have brought you what? Pain? Misery? Near death experiences?"

"Pretty much!" Stiles was getting impatient "But that's life. It is not supposed to be easy or safe or fair."

"Well everybody else seemed okay" Derek's eyes stayed on Stiles

"What?! You think that my life is okay?"

"I'm sure it wasn't this bad before I appeared"

Stiles laughed a manic laugh "Wow...You should get out of this wolf bubble you are in. I was the least popular guy in school, I only had Scott." Stiles laughed again "And you wouldn't believe how fucked up my brain is... it like properly fucked. With ADD and all the meds I have no idea what normal is!" Stiles sighed "My mom ..." he just shook his head "My Dad is still not over it. My relationship with my only parent is so fragile that if I even sneeze wrong, shit hits the fan."

They stared at each other. Derek was still angry maybe even angrier than before, Stiles wasn't sure why.

"Shit happens...People manage and move on..." Stiles added "It's easier to blame than accept. This is all what this spell is about. Acceptance."

"Fuck that spell! And fuck that witch! I am so done with this emotions and feelings and shit... So done." Stiles saw Derek getting angrier by the second.

"Hey, just breathe... take a minute to calm down. There is no need to be angry."

"Fuck. Fuck! Now I'm angry again! Fuck!" and he had his claws out. He grabbed at the nearest trunk and started to smash it into pieces. Every piece of energy and hate went into near by trees. Stiles held his breath and looked him silently.

After a while when Derek was listening again Stiles started again.

"Derek you have your pack..." he swallowed loudly "You have me."

"I don't feel anything strong towards my pack beside the wolf bond. That is not enough. And to be honest I think I feel guilty when I think about them. I don't want to even ask what I did to them." Derek shook his head. "And you... " he stared at him.

Stiles walked to him and stood in front of him. Stiles felt him calm down so he placed his hand on his cheek. Derek leaned into it and a shaky breathe later Stiles kissed him. Hoping that this will bring him back.

Derek pushed him away and stepped a few steps back, never looking at Stiles.

"You will die and I'll be empty inside. Just like the other empty spaces in me, left by my family" Derek whispered and started to walk around his hands on his face and the back of his neck.

"Everybody is dead! There is nothing left! Why am I still alive?"

Stiles was hurt how Derek just pushed him away and considered him dead. He understood him but couldn't make him see straight. He observed Derek, hoping to see or notice something...Anything to act on. But all he saw was Derek yell at himself. Few minutes later Derek just stopped and Stiles witnessed the life disappear from his eyes.

"I just can't … I can't breathe... I can't be any more... There is too much pain" Derek fell to his knees. Stiles saw a tear fall from his cheek before Derek hid his face with his hands.

This moment was too painful, Stiles felt his own heart stop. Derek was falling to pieces before his eyes. And he couldn't do anything. He was completely helpless. Stiles fought with his own tears. His brain went to overdrive and when he turned to see Derek again he felt his heart crumble to pieces. Tears were falling from his face. Fuck. Get it together Stiles! You can't fail him now. He brushed his tears away. You are going to fix this. It is your fault that he is so dependent on you. Stop being so fucking fidgety and man up! Stiles took a deep breath and went to Derek. He heard his sobs and it took everything not to do the same. Stiles sat beside him and put his hands around him.

"I know it hurts." Stiles held him tightly "But it will get easier, I promise. The spell has just magnified all the hurt you are feeling right now. You need to just take it in and process it. I am here for you, I will help you." he paused for while giving Derek time to think.

Finally he just couldn't bare the silence "Derek... we will get through this together. I promise."

"I'm going to die anyway. What does it matter what I do until then." Derek said blankly and Stiles noticed that he wasn't crying any more, he was just emotionless.

"Don't say that..." Stiles took his arms and stood up pulling Derek with him "You are not going to die..."

"But everybody else is" Derek stared at Stiles. His face was still emotionless, not angry or sad – nothing. That freaked him out.

"Derek..." Stiles started to touch him but Derek took a step back.

"Derek please I..."Stiles was not giving up but he got the same response.

"Stiles there is no reason to go on...Not like this." the wolf looked into the forest "I'm gonna go for a run." And then he was gone. Leaving Stiles alone, broken with tears running on his face.

"I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere..." Stiles muttered, knowing he would hear him. Sadly he wasn't sure if this statement was for the wolf or to reassure himself.

Stiles was already in bed when Derek got back. He didn't say a word. He just took his clothes off and got into bed. He was looking at the ceiling again so after waiting for a minute Stiles kissed him on the shoulder like the night before, but now he just turned his back to him. When he does that Stiles sees the tattoo. One stripe left.

Before Stiles could even start to feel glad he feels hot tears on his face. He quickly turned to hide his face, not sure what to do now.