A/N: You guys are amazing. 100 followers for this little thing? That is just crazy to me. I got so excited that I opted to bust out a short little chapter this morning. Not proofed as well as I could with more time, but from the heart and the only way I could think of to say thanks for the support! Enjoy! And I still own nothing.
Chapter 9 - The Garden
Myka had been home from the hospital for 9 days, and although she was feeling slightly stir crazy, she was healing well from her surgery and building her strength back up. Her new favorite pastime was her daily walks with Helena in the garden. They both recognized that their time together was precious, and they made sure not to waste an ounce of it. By the third day of her home recovery, Myka was able to move about slowly, and heading outside for that first time since being home, Helena by her side, gave her a renewed path to healing.
They were constantly in physical contact on their walks, either holding hands or arms linked around each others waists. At first it was for support, Helena wanting to make sure that Myka was in fact as steady on her feet as she claimed. But as Myka's strength grew, they saw no need to separate themselves during these moments.
They talked about every and nothing. Their love of literature was a common bond and they could spend hours discussing the merits of various authors. They swapped Warehouse stories and Myka was surprised about how open Helena was about her time in Warehouse 12. They laughed and cried over their shared adventures, finally delving into the pain that was Yellowstone, but also reflecting on how much good had come from them working together in those early days. While Myka was healing physically, emotionally they were healing together.
As a rule, the two did not talk about Myka's health during their walks. If Myka felt fatigued, she simply sat on a nearby bench or wrapped her arm a little tighter around Helena for support. Helena would not say anything, following the lead of the woman she loved. She did not need to ask Myka how she felt. She could read her body language if need be, but more importantly, Myka would simply tell her. There was no need for false bravery or hiding of ones pain. Emotionally or physically. On either of their ends. Their ability to be honest with each other helped the healing process more than anyone, minus Abigail of course, could have imagined. It was easy, and peaceful. Both women agreed that if there had been anything "conventional" about their relationship, these moments would have made excellent first dates.
They were on a walk on the evening before Myka was to start chemo, and given their unspoken rule of "no cancer talk", it was an unusually quiet walk for the two. Their silence was not uncomfortable, simply being in each others presence had a calming affect on both women, however there was definitely an air of uncertainty floating around them.
Their day had been filled with follow up appointments and visits from Dr. Calder, so it wasn't until after dinner that the women had a chance to retreat outside. Myka had grabbed a blanket and an extra sweatshirt on the way out the door, silently indicating to Helena that they were going to be out there longer than usual, so Helena followed suit and picked up a jacket of her own. Once Myka decided on a secluded spot with an abundance of soft grass, she laid down the blanket and lowered herself onto it, never disconnecting her hand from Helena, who quickly followed suit. She laid back completely, placing her arm behind her head as a pillow, and looking up as pinks and blues took over the sky as the sun began to set. "It's beautiful." she whispered to no one in particular.
When Helena moved onto the blanket she had laid on her side, propping herself up on her elbow and resting her head in her hand. Their linked hand rested comfortably on Myka's stomach. Her gaze was not on the sky, but on the woman lying on her back in front of her. "Yes, the most beautiful site I have ever seen." she replied, causing Myka to turn her head towards her.
"Flirt." she laughed, doing her best to avoid the compliment since she still wasn't feeling quite like herself.
"I only speak the truth." Helena replied with so much sincerity and love in her voice Myka felt she might cry from that alone. Her emotions, and her hormones, had taken a huge roller coaster ride over the past week, and she felt like every day she was fighting a losing battle to keep it all in check.
"Lie with me?" she requested, knowing Helena's physical presence would calm her.
Helena complied, but refused to break eye contact with the woman below her. She rolled slightly on top of Myka, but rested her arm across the other woman's chest, resting her chin on her hand so they could speak eye to eye. "Talk to me."
The arm not cradling her head instinctively wrapped around Helena, holding her close. "I'm sorry." she whispered, not even sure where to start, but feeling a few lone tears escape and slide down her cheek.
"For what?" Hlelena whispered back, confused, as she gently wiped a tear from Myka's cheek. For the life of her she couldn't think of a single thing Myka needed to apologize for.
"Everything that is about to happen." There. She could speak the truth.
"Don't be." Helena leaned up and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, pulling back knowing Myka had more to say.
"You know, as messed up as things have been, this past week has been one of the happiest I remember." she confessed, with a lighter tone to her voice. She was still slightly conflicted about how she could be so content at such a tumultuous time.
"I agree." Helena had truly been happy this past week. Being with Myka, in any capacity, was a blessing.
Fear crept back into Myka's voice. "It's going to change."
"Not necessarily." Helena had to be the optimistic one.
"I'm going to get sick." There it was. The truth. Again.
"You will." Helena would not lie. Myka would get sick. "But you will also recover. Of that I am sure."
"Not like recovery from surgery sick." Myka emphasized. "Like pump chemicals into my body and puke them out and lose my hair sick. Like this shit could kill me sick." She was getting angry but tried to reign it in.
"I know." Helena sighed, all too aware of the possible outcome. "But that does not change my response. We have to believe."
"It's going to be ugly." Myka was full of more fear and uncertainty.
"You will still be beautiful." More truth. She could feel it in her soul. It was their glue.
Myka closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Stay so calm? I want to yell and scream and cry most of the time, but when you're here, it just goes away. I mean I still want to do all those things, and as you well know I have, many times, in your arms. But you make it better. Manageable."
"Good." she replied with a kiss. "That is my job."
"That doesn't answer my question, tho. I know you. You never used to do calm. So?"
"It's simple really. I yell and scream and cry to Claudia. Even to Abigail on occasion." Helena confessed.
"Seriously?" The surprise in Myka's voice was evident. "Why did I not know this?" Myka wanted to be upset that Helena wasn't coming to her with her struggles, but she couldn't. She knew she was barely keeping herself together with Helena's help. Helena needed that too.
"You were the one who asked me to. Remember?" When Myka shook her head no, she continued. "Our first night home you were falling asleep and you told me that I had to let our family be there for me. I promised you I would. I don't break promises. Not to you. Never again."
"Wow. I had no idea." Not only about her apparently sleep addled mumblings, but that Helena had taken her so seriously.
"More than anything I need to be here for you. I can't do that if I'm on the verge of being... what does Pete call me? 'Lady cuckoo'... on a regular basis. I know that. You know that. I do believe you were the one who told Claudia she was responsible for looking out for me on our first night back. She takes her job quite seriously you know."
"You heard, huh?" Myka knew Claudia had done a good job of looking out for Helena when she couldn't. But she thought Helena was none the wiser about their talk. "I'm sorry... I was worried."
"Don't be. You were right. It has helped." And it had. Helena does not know where she would be without the young apprentice's support.
"But you hate talking to people." There was no accusation in Myka's tone. Just reality.
"Ah, yes. Well you, my darling, are far more important than my pride will ever be." Helena concluded. It seemed quite simple to her in fact.
Myka was completely floored. If she had ever once doubted her ability to trust Helena after all they'd been through, that was completely gone. She knew without a second thought that she was undeniably loved by this woman. And that was an incredible feeling. "You are amazing, you know that? I love you."
"As I, you. More than I could ever express."
"I disagree. I think you have done a beautiful job of expressing it." Myka rolled them over, so she was now lying on top of Helena, and kissed her deeply.
Since returning from the hospital, they had not done much more than kiss lightly and hold each other close. Obviously Myka was not ready physically for them to be together, and wouldn't be for a while. Helena knew Myka was not only going through a serious physical change, but she was also dealing with the emotional side of the changes to her body. They may not be making love again for a good long time, but mentally Helena was completely fine with that. Yes, they had the opportunity to be extremely intimate before Myka's surgery, but that was far from either of their priority lists right now. They were enjoying getting to know each other again while Myka healed and their relationship blossomed.
But that kiss. Oh Lord. Helena could not hold back a moan and her entire body shivered.
Noticing Helena's response and immediately feeling guilty that it wasn't going to go much further, Myka pulled back and gazed down at the woman below her. "I'm sorry." She spoke so quietly and seemed almost ashamed.
Hearing the love of her life apologize was enough of a reality check for Helena to get her body back under control. She reached up and cupped Myka's chin. "Never ever ever be sorry for kissing me like that again." she pulled Myka back down and kissed her again.
They parted when the need for air was too much. Myka buried her head in the neck below her. "It could be a while." she whispered.
"It could be. And that is ok." She wasn't sure how to convinced Myka that she was ok with however the physical aspect of their relationship worked out for the time being.
"It's not that I don't want to. Or want you..." She lifted her head from it's resting place in Helena's next and smiled to the woman below her. "God knows, I want you." she emphasized with a kiss. "It's not only that I can't yet... I really just wish I didn't feel so..." she was trying her best to be honest with Helena, but she struggled to find the words for how she was feeling. Fortunately they rarely needed too many words between them.
"I know darling." she tucked a stray lock of hair behind Myka's ear. "You won't feel like this forever. And I promise I am not going anywhere." Trying to lighten the mood a little she continued. "And contrary to popular opinion, I do have the ability to display some restraint and patience." she joked.
"Helena G. Wells? Patient?" She joked back. "Who knew the day would come?"
"Well, it did take 148 years. But apparently I just needed to find someone worth being patient for."
Myka laughed. "You really do have an endless supply of charm, don't you?"
"So I've been told." she replied, joining in with Myka's laughter. It felt good.
Myka slid to Helena's side, wrapping an arm across her waist and snuggling in to her favorite position. "You realize you could have anyone in the world you wanted, right? And don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that you love me. I know it. I feel it. But for the life of me I can't figure out why you would settle."
Helena wrapped her arm around Myka and pulled her in close. "This, my darling, is not settling. This is me being the luckiest woman in the world."
"Didn't we already talk about your twisted definition of 'luck.'"
"Indeed, but it doesn't change how I feel. You brought me back from the brink. You waited for me. You healed my soul. You are my reason for being. No one else in the world will ever have that place in my heart." She spoke with such conviction that Myka couldn't refute it.
"We healed each others souls." Myka clarified.
Helena smiled. "We are quite the pair, aren't we?"
"We are."
Feeling Myka shiver, even with the extra sweatshirt on, Helena was concerned. "Should we head back to the house? It's getting dark."
"I don't want tomorrow to come." Myka confessed, making no effort to move from her safe haven.
"I know." Helena acknowledged, pulling her in even closer.
"Five more minutes?"
Helena let go briefly to grab her own jacked that she had put down on the blanket earlier. She draped it over Myka's shoulder for added warmth and then resumed her hold on the woman in her arms, placing a kiss to a head of curly hair. "Ten."