A/N: This was a really hard chapter for me to write. My brother went through chemo so I had some personal experience to pull from, but I know there is so much a person goes through when dealing with this. I hope I was able to capture a small bit of that without offending.
In other news - I will be heading out of the country for a couple weeks and am intentionally leaving the internet behind. Please do not abandon me in the mean time! Normally I don't post more than a couple parts per chapter, but this one has everything I've written to date. Hopefully that makes up for the upcoming absence! And I promise there is only one (maybe two) more bits of rock-bottomy angst before our ladies start to head back in an upward direction.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of any value and will not be making money off of any of this. True story.
B&W~B&W~B&W~B&W
Chapter 10 - Chemo
Myka sat on the floor, back against the wall, head tilted back, as she sipped from the water in her hand. The toilet was in front of her, and she knew any attempt at getting back to the bed in the study would result in the little bit of water she managed to keep down making it's way back up. Her head was spinning and even the simple act of opening her eyes could lead to another wave of nausea.
She wanted to cry. She wanted Helena. But she couldn't bring herself to call to her just yet. She had started her fourth round of chemo yesterday and there wasn't anything that Helena could do at this point to make things better.
Myka was in pain. She hurt. Everywhere. She was nauseous. Always. She was beyond exhausted. Fatigued. Drained. Chilled to the bone. And she was sad. God she was so sad. But she refused to subject Helena to more of that reality when she knew the woman had just finally been dragged upstairs by Claudia to get some sleep. She wanted her to rest. So she would sit on the floor, sipping her water, and silently pray that Helena slept through this round of nausea.
The doctors had tried to prepare them as far as what to expect after her chemo began. But when reality kicked in immediately after round one, they realized just how rough it was truly going to be.
It took less than 24 hours for the nausea set in with a vengeance. Dr. Calder had been on hand with the anti-nausea meds, but it did little to help. It lasted almost 3 full days. She was so exhausted and weakened by the nausea, she pretty much slept for two more days after it past. Which only gave her another 2 days before her next round was to begin. It was gruelling. And with each round, it it got progressively worse.
There was a soft knock on the door and Myka cringed at the thought of anyone seeing her like this. She should be used to it, and she knew everyone at the B&B was doing their best to give her as much privacy as possible during her treatments, but she also knew that with Helena resting, one of them would immediately be on hand to help out if the need arose.
"Hey Mykes, you doing ok in there?" It was Pete, and Myka was thankful for that. As strong as Claudia was trying to be, she was much better suited to look after Helena. The look in Claudia's eyes every time Myka got sick, or couldn't eat, betrayed the outward optimism she tried to display at the situation. Claudia was beyond terrified of losing Myka to her illness, and there was nothing Myka could do to rid her of that fear.
"The doors unlocked." she replied back to Pete, knowing he would understand that to mean both 'no, I'm not ok.' and 'yes, you can come in.'
The door opened slowly and Pete entered without saying anything. He slid down the wall next to Myka, and gently picked up her hand. She let her head roll to the side and rested it on his strong shoulder.
"Anything I can do?" he offered.
"No." And that was the truth. This would just have to pass. "Just don't move around too much or you might be wearing the water I just drank."
"Understood." he replied quietly, knowing Myka would set the pace on what she needed and when.
Although moving still wasn't an option, after a few minutes of quietly sitting next to each other, Myka broke the silence.
"Is Helena still sleeping?"
"Yeah, Claudia said she started to stir when we heard you get up, but she told her you were fine and that she needed to go back to sleep. Apparently it didn't take long for her to conk out again. Claudia is going to stay with her in your room to make sure she doesn't get up for a while. She's pretty beat." He spoke honestly, knowing it would make Myka feel a little better to know Helena was being cared for.
"Good. She needs to rest."
"So do you." Pete commented.
"Probably. But I can't move right now." she replied truthfully. Even with her nausea slowly passing, her muscles absolutely refused to do anything she was willing them to do. God she wanted her body back. Standing up should not be this hard.
Pete hesitated before he responded, knowing how strong willed Myka was and how she absolutely hated the thought of needing any type of physical assistance. But he couldn't bear to watch her fall asleep on the bathroom floor. She had let Helena assisted her over the course of the past few weeks, but no one else. "You know, I can help."
"I know... I just..." Myka trailed off, not able to find the words to express both her appreciation at the gesture, and why it was so hard for her to accept it.
"I get it Mykes. I mean... obviously I don't get what you're going through. But I know you. I know how hard this must be for you..."
"Pete..." she tried to cut him off, not knowing exactly what he was going to say, but also not thinking she was prepared to have this conversation with him right now.
"No, just listen." He insisted, although there was not a hint of anger in his voice. "You have always been our rock. We're this crazy bunch of misfits, and you're the glue that keeps us all together. And this cancer thing... that doesn't change that. You are still strong. You will fight this and beat this and be back to kicking butt and saving our asses on a regular basis as soon as you can. We all know that..."
"I can't even get my own ass off the bathroom floor right now." She couldn't keep the bitterness out of her voice. "Ass kicking is not exactly in my future." She had heard what he was saying but couldn't help but feel the exact opposite of all of it.
"It will be." He would carry enough confidence for both of them if that's what it took.
"How can you be so sure?"
"You're Myka." He answered that it was the most logical thing in the world. How could she possibly doubt her own strength? "You don't do half way. You don't give up."
"I did." She confessed. "Once." She'd walked away from them all when things had gotten hard once before. And this was a million times harder. And this time walking away had no return option. She shuddered.
"Yeah, well, I know HG had a lot to do with you coming back." he admitted. "God I hated her at the time, but she got you back. And she is here now. We're all here now. And we're not going to let you give up."
Myka sighed. She still had no clue where to go from here. "This is harder than I thought."
"So lean on us a little more. Let us help." There was no judgement in his voice. And again Myka marveled at how simple Pete made everything sound. Not because he was being insensitive to her struggle, but just because he had this unwavering faith in her. Which she felt she didn't deserve.
"I hate you seeing me like this." She finally admitted. Because that was really what it boiled down to. She was scared that even if she did beat this, he would always have this picture of her in his head as weak, and incapable, and that would destroy her more than any cancer would.
"All I see is my best friend fighting with all her might." He reassured. "That is what makes you strong. You'll only ever be weak if you stop fighting."
She knew he believed that, so even if she still questioned it herself, maybe she had to try and trust him a little more. She sighed again before speaking. "I don't know how to keep fighting Pete. Everything just hurts."
"Well, this floor does suck." he tried to be a little more 'Pete-ish' in that moment, knowing that was a hard confession for Myka to make. "I'm sure the bed is a whole lot more comfortable."
Myka smiled at the gesture and was silently grateful for his attempt. "You know that's not what I mean."
"I know, but we have to start somewhere." Baby steps would be how they would get through this. "Let me help you get into bed?"
Myka couldn't hold back a chuckle at the statement. "You know if Helena heard you say that, she'd be the one kicking ass."
Pete had to laugh along with her. "Ah, well your virtue is safe with me. Scouts honor." He promised, causing Myka to laugh again. They hadn't spoken much about the building relationship between the two women. "You know, she can be a little scary when it comes to those she loves."
Myka lifted her head slightly and looked at Pete, realizing quickly that was the first time he acknowledged how they truly felt about each other. Seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes, she rested her head back down. "She can be."
"You really love her, huh?" He had to know for sure.
"Yeah, I really love her. We just... fit. I wish... I wish it hadn't taken this long to figure it all out... God our timing has always sucked." she laughed at her own comment. "But I can't imagine my life without her."
Pete squeezed Myka's hand before speaking. "I'm glad you have her. Really. Even with everything going on, you've seemed... I don't know... more at ease... since she came back. I only get these amazingly good vibes when you two are together."
"Seriously?" she questioned, not sure if he was being honest with her.
"Yep. You two together. Good vibes. For sure." He confirmed.
"Thanks Pete. That means a lot to me."
"So now without trying to offend the love of your life, will you let me get you into bed?" He asked, knowing how he phrased the question would cause Myka to smile again.
She did smile, but then let out a long sigh, frustration evident behind it. To top off her weakened state, she was pretty sure both of her legs had fallen asleep due to their extended time on the floor. "I can barely feel my legs."
"Well hey, I'm a pretty strong guy." he smirked. "Been working out. Trying to impress the ladies..." He smiled down at her and placed a kiss on her head.
She knew what he was offering, but wasn't sure how to respond. A few minutes of silence passed before Myka finally conceded. "Ok." she whispered and lifted her head up off his shoulder.
Pete stood slowly, and as gently as he had ever done anything in his entire life, he lifted Myka up off the floor. She rested her head on his chest, never opening her eyes, trying to will the tears building behind her lids to stay at bay. He walked carefully back to the study, and placed her down on the bed.
Myka couldn't bring herself to say anything, and Pete understood that there was absolutely nothing to be said. He placed another gentle kiss on her forehead, pulled the blanket up over her, and exited the room without a word.
When she heard the door close she finally let the tears that had been building up fall.
B&W~B&W~B&W~B&W~B&W
Three days later the current round of nausea had finally past and Myka was beginning to feel a bit more human again. She knew she only had a couple of days before her next round of treatment and the cycle started all over again, so she was doing her best to make the most of these few days. She had spent the morning curled up in bed with Helena, while the older woman read to her. As a way of sharing her past, Helena had started to read to Myka from her old journals from Warehouse 12. Being both an author and inventor, Helena had written elaborate recaps of her adventures in Warehouse 12. The journals had been written prior to Christina's death, and Myka could hear the joy and love that Helena had for her work and her life radiating from her words.
Helena wrapped up the entry that she was currently on and placed the journal on the side table next to the bed. "So darling, how do you feel about a trip to the garden today. I do believe it's time for some fresh air."
Myka tucked into Helena's side a little more, knowing that getting up and moving about was a good idea, but dreading the idea of leaving the warmth around her. "Sure." she mumbled into the body next to her.
Helena smiled down at the woman in her arms. Obviously they weren't going to be going out anytime soon. And she was perfectly fine with that. "Maybe in a little bit then?"
Myka smiled. God she loved this woman. "Yes, that sounds much better."
Minutes had passed in comfortable silence when both women heard the door to the B&B open and then promptly slam shut. They could hear boots making their way down the hallway, and it didn't take long to realize that Claudia was home, and not in a pleasant mood. When the door to the study opened without so much as a knock, they knew they were in for a something.
"Hi." was all Claudia huffed as she made her way to the chair across from the bed and plopped herself down.
Myka raised her head to look quickly to Helena, who had her eye arched at the young woman in the chair, waiting for her to speak. She slowly untangled herself and pulled herself into a sitting position so she could also face Claudia.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Artie kicked me out of the Warehouse" Claudia declared, as if that explained everything.
"Ok..."
"Apparently I am 'too high strung'" she emphasized the phrase with air quotes, "and I am pissing off the artifacts." she sighed. "Something about my connection and state of mind and... 'if you want to be caretaker, Claudia, you need to learn to reign in your emotions...' blah blah blah." she waved her hands through the air trying to relay how ridiculous she thought it all was.
Helena looked briefly to Myka before responding. "Well, you know dear, the Warehouse is rather sensitive..."
"Oh for frak sake, not you too!" she yelled.
"Claudia, relax. Helena was just..." Myka jumped in.
"Whatever, this is just bullshit." she yelled again. "And Artie knows it." she continued, but with a resigned note her voice.
The women sat in silence for a moment, giving Claudia a second to regroup. "So." Myka began. "Want to tell us what has you so on edge?"
"I'M NOT..." she started, but looking to both Helena and Myka she realized quickly she was not going to win this. "I'm not 'on edge.' I'm just... irritated." she concluded, having no other words to describe her current state.
"With what darling?" Helena inquired, keeping her voice low and gentle.
"Artie won't let me go on any missions right now. He says Pete and Steve have been handling the pings just fine, and that I need to just be at the Warehouse instead of, as he puts it, 'out in the world where God only knows what kind of problems a distracted impulsive kid like me could cause.'" she confessed.
"Are you distracted?" Myka asked sincerely. She knew the danger of being out in the field when you weren't at your best, and she would defer to Artie's judgement where Claudia was concerned.
"No." she stated quickly. And then thought about it. "Yes." she appended. "Maybe. I don't know! Probably. But I'm not an impulsive kid and he needs to loosen the reins a little!"
"He's just looking out for you." Myka tried to ease the young girls hurt feelings. "And you want to know what I really think?"
"Sure." she sighed. "Why not?" Claudia assumed Myka was going to lecture her about being distracted in the field and how dangerous that could be so she braced herself for more 'adult speak.'
"I really think that Artie, along with the rest of us, realizes how much we need you here right now. And he'll use whatever excuse he can come up with to make sure that happens." she stated with certainty. "Claud, you've been amazing this past month. You've taken care of me. You've taken care of Helena. You are the brains behind the boys missions when they're out in the field. Don't think we don't know how often you've saved their butts by being at the Warehouse and feeding them the info they need to do their jobs. We ALL need you here."
Claudia huffed. That was not what she expected to hear, but it still didn't make sense to her. "If that were truth why the hell doesn't he just say that?" she asked, her voice raising again. "Why put it on me?"
Helena took the opportunity to speak on behalf of Artie. "Arthur is not the best when it comes to... how do you put it? The 'touchy feely' stuff." she smiled. "Don't forget, that man also sees you like a daughter." She looked to Myka before continuing. Myka nodded, knowing where the conversation was heading, but also knowing that Claudia needed to realize just what was going through all of their heads.
"At times like these, when one is faced with the reality that they might lose a loved one." she had to get past the lump in her throat and took a second to pick up Myka's hand and squeeze. "At times like these, people tend to keep everyone they love just a little bit closer. Claudia, we've all reacted differently to Myka's illness. But one thing has been consistent. We've all held on to each other just a little bit tighter. Not letting you in the field right now, as poorly implemented as it may have been, is just Artie's way of keeping you close by. Keeping you safe. It's what he needs." she concluded, knowing even if it was exactly what Artie had been thinking, when you have a child, that is what is always at the forefront of your mind.
Claudia brought her knees up to her chest in the chair, hugging them close. She rested her head on her knees and sat quietly absorbing what Helena had said. Truth be told it wasn't like she wanted to be out in the field all the time. She saw how it tore up Pete and Steve to leave, knowing that Myka was here struggling. But she also felt obligated to do her job and that meant going out to snag and bag on a regular basis. Maybe Myka was right. Maybe what she was doing here was important. But it still should have been her choice. She sighed and raised her head to meet the gazes of the other two women.
"He should have just told me." Claudia concluded.
"Agreed." Myka wanted Claudia to realize that she did have a say in the matter. "You could talk to him."
"He's never going to say anything. He'll just huff and then let me back in the field." she rationalized, knowing she would get her way in the end.
"Probably." Myka agreed. "Is that what you want?"
"I want to give Pete and Steve a break. They deserve to be home too. But I don't really want to leave you guys either. Not right now." She was conflicted and it was apparent in her voice.
Helena could hear the sincerity in the young woman's voice. "Then you should tell him that. Ask him to place you in the field on the short and easy retrievals. It's not a perfect science, but after all these years, Artie knows the difference in pings. You can give the boys a break without being gone too long. You are an incredibly bright young woman. I am sure you can make a grumpy old man see a little reason." Helena laughed. "Just be sure not to irritate the artifacts any more darling, and I have no doubt your requests will be much better received."
Claudia rose from the chair and made her way to the bed. "Thank you." she spoke before leaning forward and hugging Helena.
"Of course. We're here for you anytime." Helena spoke sincerely. Much like Myka, she really had come to love Claudia like a little sister.
Claudia moved to the other side of the bed and approached Myka. "Hugging ok?" she asked, knowing that sometimes Myka's body was too sore for the movement.
Myka smiled up at her before nodding "Yes, hugging is perfect." she replied and the two gently embraced.
"Ok. I'm going to... you know... go... not... yell at my boss now." she made her way to the door before turning back. "Sorry to interrupt cuddle time." she laughed.
Myka laughed along with her. "We were just getting up anyway." she commented, thinking back to Helena's offer for a walk outside. It sounded like a great idea right about now.
B&W~B&W~B&W~B&W~B&W
Upon returning from their short walk, Myka was tired, but knew had just enough energy to take a shower before sitting down to eat and rest. She was grateful for the opportunity to shower without much pain or struggle, and was enjoying some extended time under the warm spray. Realizing the water would be running cold soon, she made an effort to finish up, taking time to run some shampoo through her hair. As she brought her hands down, she couldn't help but notice the large clumps of hair that were now in her hands.
Myka froze. She thought she'd been prepared for the surgery, and she was wrong. She thought she'd been prepared for the nausea and sickness following her chemo treatments. She'd been wrong about that too. After her second round of chemo, her doctor mentioned that that was usually around the time that patients started to notice hair loss, if it was going to happen. With the chemo mixture she had been on, it was likely. So again, she prepared. And it didn't happen after the second round. After the third round she got her hopes up and thought maybe she was one of the lucky ones. But as she stood there, water running cold, staring at the clumps of hair in her hand, she realized this was also something she could have never been prepared for.
At that moment all the progress she felt like she'd made since her talk with Pete. All the optimism and willingness to fight this off that she felt had been somewhat restored. Every wall she had put up to block out the brutality of what she was going through so she could move forward. It all failed her. She crumbled.
If anyone asked, Myka couldn't tell you how or when Helena ended up in the shower with her. But as she sank to the floor of the tub, a clump of brown hair in hand, sobbing, she felt two strong arms wrap around her. She felt herself being pulled back into the embrace of the woman she loved, and she cried like she had not cried since this entire ordeal had started. She sobbed for every loss she was feeling. For how unfair it all was. For the woman who was holding her because they might not have much time left together. For the idea that she might never get married. For not being able to have kids. For possibly never being able to snag, bag, or tag another artifact. She cried for all of it. And she couldn't stop.
Helena held her as close as possible. Taking a moment to reach up and turn off the water and grab the robe that was on hook next to the tub. She draped it over the woman in her arms, trying to keep her from shivering, and held on with all her strength.
It took long minutes before her sobbing turned to cries, and then more minutes before the cries turned to sniffles. The entire time Helena was whispering words of love into her ear. She couldn't make out exactly what was being said, and Helena probably didn't know what she was saying either, but the continual reassurances of unconditional love helped to slowly bring Myka back to her senses. She was finally able to move her body enough to lift her head and look into the eyes of the woman that was holding her. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean.."
"Shh" Helena gently leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Myka's lips. "It's ok. It's all going to be ok."
"How did you even know?" Myka still seemed a little confused at Helena's presence in the bathroom.
"You screamed." Helena informed her. "I got here as fast as I could."
Myka did not remember screaming. Just staring blankly at the hair in her hands before collapsing. "Oh."
"Are you ready to get up?" She asked quietly, not wanting to rush her, but also being very aware of just how cold Myka was becoming.
Myka seemed to be shaking the last cobwebs from her mind, clearing her head enough to rise and taken in the woman in front of her "You're soaking wet." she commented, realizing that not only had Helena caught her when she was falling, she had done it in a shower, fully clothed.
"It's fine sweetie. Let's get us both into some warm clothes, ok?" Helena asked, trying not to rattle Myka any more than she already was.
Myka nodded but didn't say anything. She slowly made her way to the bedroom as Helena quickly stripped, leaving her wet clothes in the tub, and grabbed a towel to wrap around herself before following behind Myka. Fortunately for both of them Myka had felt up to going upstairs after their walk. During the end of her cycles she took advantage of using her own room as much as possible, and when she woke up feeling relatively fine this morning, she realized she wanted to sleep with Helena in her own bed tonight. This meant they were able to head straight from the ensuite into Myka's bedroom without running into anyone else. Helena pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a giant pullover for Myka, while she changed into a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt of her own.
Myka for her part was sitting on the edge of the bed, still staring off rather aimlessly. After quickly throwing her own clothes on, Helena made her way over to Myka, squatting down in front of her so they were eye level. "Let's get you dressed, shall we?"
Myka nodded again, and although she moved her body all the ways Helena needed her to in order to facilitate getting dressed, she was hardly an active participant in the process. "Do you want to lie down?" she asked Myka.
A simple "No." was all she got in response, with no other indication that Myka was going to talk, or move. Helena stood and made her way onto the bed, moving behind Myka and placing her legs on either side of the woman. She wrapped her arms around Myka's waist and tugged gently until she felt the woman lean back into the embrace. At least she was still responding to Helena's touch.
"What can I do?" she asked, realizing for the first time that she was truly at a loss for what her lover needed.
The silence settled between them and the longer Myka failed to respond, the more concerned Helena became. Her anxiety was starting to get the best of her.
"Please darling, talk to me." she pleaded.
Hearing the fear in Myka's voice was the first thing that started to bring Myka around. "I'm sorry." she finally said.
"There is nothing to apologize for." Helena assured her, squeezing her a bit tighter.
"Why this?" Myka asked, although Helena couldn't quite place the question.
"Why what darling?"
Myka took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. She felt Helena release a breath behind her and both women seemed to calm significantly. "Why is this" she ran a hand through her own hair, pulling out a small clump to emphasize, "the thing that makes me lose it? It doesn't hurt. I'm not puking for a change. It doesn't stop me from walking. Why this?"
Helena thought about the question but had no real answer. "I don't know. Maybe it was just time to let it all out?"
"Maybe." she conceded, not really understanding her own question, and knowing she too did not have an answer.
She ran her hand through her hair a couple more times, noticing that although less hair was falling out then in the shower, there was still some tangled around her fingers. "It's going to be all patchy."
"It appears so, yes." Helena replied honestly.
"Can we lie down?" Myka asked and Helena immediately slid back and up to the top of the bed. Myka followed behind and curled up on her side. Helena rolled with her, spooning her from behind.
They laid together in silence, Helena patiently waiting for Myka to be the one to speak.
"I guess I should just shave it or something, right?" Myka whispered, not even sure if she asked the question aloud.
Helena was not going to try and influence Myka one way or another. "Do you want to do that?"
"No." She stated firmly. "I want it to not fall out. But apparently that is not an option."
They were quiet for a bit longer before Myka finally conceded to what was going to happen. "I'll let Pete shave it. Claudia can pick out the hats."
"She does have excellent taste in hats." Helena confirmed, pulling Myka in a little bit closer.
"I don't even like short hair. Bald is going to look horrible." Although she was not one to be overly critical of her own appearance, the last month had left her feeling so ugly that she couldn't imagine adding this to her reflection in the mirror.
"You will always be beautiful." Helena spoke with such conviction that Myka melted into her embrace just a little more.
"Helena?"" Myka whispered, not able to keep her tears at bay any longer.
"Yes?"
"I'm scared."
"I know you are. So am I." Helena admitted. God she could not lose this woman. She leaned forward and kissed the shoulder blade in front of her.
"I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave this." She struggled to admit what she was really feeling, but having beat around the bush enough over the past month, there wasn't much left to say. "I don't want to die."
Helena could feel Myka shaking in her arms, and was unable to keep her own tears at bay. "That is not going to happen."
She sounded so certain to Myka. "I want to believe you."
"Then do. I swear to you, that is not how this story ends."
"Promise me?" she asked hesitantly. It was an unfair request. Helena would not break a promise to Myka, and this was something she absolutely could not say for sure. Neither of them could. But all that aside, she still needed to hear it from the woman she loved..
"I promise you." She guaranteed. "With all my heart."
Myka let out a long shaky breath.
Chemo was halfway done. She was nauseous most days. She was fragile and cold. She was fluctuating between sad and mad on a daily basis. And now she was about to be bald.
But as she felt Helena's arm grip her a little tighter. As she leaned a little further back into the woman behind her. As she absorbed all the warmth that their love surrounded her with, she realized that the only thought that really mattered was the first one. Chemo was halfway done. She could do this.