CHAPTER 10 - HATED

We rode on for the rest of the day, Doc and Chavez leading the way and talking together. Rather than be given the silent treatment again, I decided to suck up to Hendry and try to make him feel more friendly towards me.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that shit with the horse," I said.

He glanced at me. "That's alright, Dave," he replied.

I grinned. The good thing about Hendry was that he didn't have a mean bone in his body and would forgive anyone pretty much anything. With him back on side, Tom also followed suit and I rode on with my two allies, relieved that I didn't have to endure the scorn of Doc and the black hatred of Chavez all day. It was turning to dusk when we finally ran into Billy.

"Howdy, boys!" he cried. "All still alive, then?"

"Looks like it, doesn't it?" Chavez grumbled.

"Hell, what's eating you?" Billy asked, staring at him.

Chavez ignored him. In fact he ignored all of us except Doc as we found a place to camp for the night, shot some game and roasted it over a fire. I determinedly hung around Hendry and Tom like a bad smell, which luckily for me, they didn't seem to object to. In fact the pair of them seemed to appreciate the fact that I had taken such an interest in them. We sat in a little huddle at one side of the fire, sniggering about Jane's house, Hendry and me teasing Tom for being so quick off the mark that he ended up having his fun while the rest of us suffered. At that moment I happened to glance up across the flickering flames of the fire and see Chavez glaring at me from the other side of it. I was reminded once again of my activities of the previous night and I cringed, although it was his split lip which made me feel infinitely worse. It didn't look like he was going to let me forget it either, regardless of his usual philosophy of putting things in the past.

The following day, I managed to make things even worse than they already were, if that were possible. I hadn't thought I could actually sink lower than I was at that point, but somehow I managed it. I was talking to Hendry and Tom as we packed up our bedrolls and made the horses ready to ride south again. Tom had begun asking questions about Indians, of all things. Did we think if we rode through their territory, they would be lying in wait to spear us or scalp us?

"Of course not, Tom," said Hendry without much conviction.

"Nah, they're all locked up in reservations, or dead and buried. Killed a good few myself," I boasted.

"Dave…" Hendry said warningly and I realized I'd stuck my foot in my mouth.

Chavez was behind me. I could see his silhouette on the ground, the sun behind him. He had a knife in his hand. Hendry and Tom took a few steps away from me as if they thought being close to me would put them in danger too. Meanwhile, Doc and Billy came towards us. I turned around and rather than tread on eggshells, I proceeded to insert my other foot where the first one already resided.

"Where's your tribe, then, Chavez? Locked up somewhere out of the way?" I taunted.

"They're dead," Chavez said shortly.

My mouth opened, but thankfully nothing further came out of it. I felt sick and shocked and unusually nervous for me. I'd been feeling that way since I woke up with him actually and I wasn't sure why. I was even less sure about why I continued to be vile to him. I guessed that in some twisted way I thought that if I treated him the same way I had when I first met him, the strange feelings I kept having about him would go away. I shut my gaping mouth and glanced around at the others, hoping my face wasn't as red as it felt.

Billy and Doc stared at me in horror and disgust while Hendry and Tom just looked disbelieving. Chavez turned away and went to his horse which was tethered to a tree a short distance away, putting his knife away. I had a sense that I had made some grave error, much worse than simply putting my foot in it and again, guilt filled me without even knowing why.

"What did I say?" I asked Doc and Billy.

"Are you gonna tell him, or shall I?" Billy grunted.

"I will," said Doc. "A word." He indicated I should walk a little way from the group with him and then proceeded to tell me what had happened to Chavez's family. He had returned from trying to find food to discover his whole tribe slaughtered, his mother's body cut open with a saber, his baby sisters' heads bashed in with boot heels.

"...so the army could save bullets," Doc finished tightly. "He's never going to get over that. Don't you care about anyone's feelings, Dave?"

"Oh, shit," I muttered.

"Is that all you can say? You make me sick," Doc spat. "You either need to grow a conscience and some respect, or get the hell out of the gang. I wouldn't be surprised if Chavez cuts your throat the next time your back's turned; you deserve it." He left me and returned to the others.

I agreed with everything he said. I was disgusted with myself and I knew I was going to have to do something about putting it right. I had surprised myself recently by learning that I did actually have a conscience, but I still didn't know when to stop and now I had really hurt the one person that...well, one of the gang. I looked back towards the remains of the camp and observed that most of the boys were clearing up their things while Chavez was some distance from them, strapping his horse's saddle on. I took a deep breath and walked over to him.

"Chavez."

"Don't waste your breath saying sorry again," he growled. He didn't turn around, but continued with what he was doing.

"I wasn't going to," I said. "What's the point in doing something if you're gonna be sorry for it afterwards, right?"

"Right."

"Doc told me what happened," I said. "It must have been hell to go through that."

"Doc had no business saying anything," Chavez said. His voice shook and I felt like the world's worst piece of shit.

"Jose..." I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. He spun around at once, knocking my hand away.

"Don't call me that!" he hissed. "Just go to hell!" He gave me a shove in the chest to emphasise his point, sending me staggering backwards, arms flailing in an attempt to save myself.

I regained my balance quickly, silently cursing myself when I noticed with shock that he had tears in his eyes. I was vaguely aware that I wanted to somehow comfort him and that was another completely new feeling for me. I'd never felt anything for anyone. Nothing good, anyway. But I knew there was nothing I could say or do right now that would make things any better. He had turned his back on me and continued strapping his horse's saddle on and I just stood there, not knowing what to do for the best. At last I just left him to it and went over to my own horse, aware that the others were still eyeing me with disgust and dislike. Maybe it would be better if I just left the gang. With a few stupid words I'd turned myself into a pariah and I knew that not one of the guys wanted me with them any longer. I didn't need them to hate me any more, I realised; I hated myself enough for all of them.