CHAPTER 17 - HEART AND SOUL

Goodbye? I didn't speak for a moment. I had no intention of saying goodbye if I could avoid it. The thought horrified me and my stomach turned over at the idea of riding away in the opposite direction to him; never seeing him again; never touching him again. My chest hurt and I gasped for breath for a moment, wondering how my feelings could provoke a physical reaction.

I'd gone through life never being very certain of anything important, but I was certain of what I felt right then. I licked my dry lips. I'd be kicking myself for the rest of my life if I just left with Billy and didn't find out if I what I felt was something real; if it was returned. I'd never gotten close to anyone, not once. Had all my torturing myself with stupid thoughts been a waste? I'd had what I thought were hints of him feeling something, but what was it exactly? Annoyance and pity most likely, but did he really care? My palms sweated and I wiped them on my trousers.

"Depends on you, doesn't it?" I grunted.

"You're going to Canada," Chavez pointed out. He remained standing with his back to me, staring south. I was relieved that he wasn't looking at me.

"Did I say that?"

"You didn't have to. You go where Billy goes."

I took a deep breath and prepared to say something I had never said before and doubted I ever would again. If I got shot down, I'd just run to Canada and try to forget what an idiot I made of myself. If I didn't say it, I'd always wonder and curse myself for being a coward. At least he couldn't see my nervousness, which I imagined was obvious.

"I'm not going to Canada," I said. "I...um...I..." I paused and cleared my throat awkwardly. "I want to be where you are. I...um...love you." The last few words came out as little more than a whisper.

There was a long silence and I closed my eyes for a second, wondering if I should have kept my mouth shut after all. My guts clenched and I could feel heat flooding my face and spreading down my neck. Damnit, he was going to laugh, or tell me to go to hell.

"Big words, Dave." Chavez turned around slowly, his eyes glittering. "You sure you can handle the consequences of saying them?"

"Depends what they are," I said, feeling relief wash over me and not a little excitement.

"Getting stuck with me?" The left corner of his mouth twitched upwards slightly.

I tried not to grin. He didn't throw it back in my face. I was going to Mexico. My tongue started flapping again of its own accord.

"No one is born without a heart and soul; do you remember saying that to me?" I asked. He nodded. "I never hated you," I continued. "I tried to; you know I kept going on about how I hated people who weren't...you know..." Damnit, I was making such a mess of this.

"White?" Chavez prompted.

"Mmm. Anyway, I guess I was more jealous than anything; you're always so damned good at everything and I was mad because you made me feel something when I was determined to make it to the grave without ever having to use my heart. Somewhere along the way I realised how important you are to me." I grimaced. "Godamnit, I sound like Doc and his corny poetry. Can't you tell me to shut the hell up?"

Chavez smiled. "I'm not gonna do that, I waited long enough for you to get started."

I decided it was time I shut myself up. I reached out and pulled him against me, sliding my arms around his waist and turning a little so his back was to the wall. Then I kissed him. A few gentle brushes of my lips over his and then after a moment I plunged my tongue into his mouth, feeling him melt in my arms. How could this be happening, I wondered? After the things I'd said to him and the way I'd behaved, still he would give me this chance? Still he felt enough for me not to reject me? All of this rushed through my mind as I devoured his mouth and held him tight, reminding myself not to press too hard on the side where he'd been shot. His tongue slid over mine, his lips crushing mine against my teeth, a soft moan leaving him as I ran my hand up his back and into his hair.

I had never felt the way I felt at that moment; a whole range of feelings flooded through me - relief, excitement, nervousness, lust, love - and for the first time I didn't want to run away from it. I did slow things down, however, as my cock began to fill. We needed to get over the border and find some place safe first, not to mention the fact that Billy wasn't too far away. Closer that I realised, in fact. I drew back, but hovered, then leaned in again to give Chavez - Jose, I thought with a grin - one last kiss, but it was one too many.

"Christ Almighty, what the hell are you two doing?" cried Billy.

We jumped apart and I turned to look at him. His face was a picture. Shocked and disgusted didn't even begin to describe it.

"Uh….you're a man of the world, you must have an idea," I grunted. I raised my hand and tilted my hat forward so that I could hide my eyes under the brim. I hadn't really made an effort to keep it a secret that I sometimes rode with the opposition, for want of a better way to put it, but I didn't like being caught out making it obvious.

"Not the same world as you, by the look of it. Think I preferred it when you were trying to kill each other," Billy said, pulling a face. "What's wrong with you? Aren't there enough girls in New Mexico or something?"

"Just forget it, Chivato, you won't ever understand it so there's no point trying to explain," said Chavez calmly.

"Yeah. Right. You know if you get caught they'll be quicker to hang you than if you walked into the courthouse and shot the judge."

"Better not get caught, then," I said with a grin.

"Dave, you're outside in broad daylight," Billy pointed out.

"And who else is around other than you and a coupla horses?"

"Yeah, well, I'd rather not see, thank you very much. Thankfully you're not both gonna be riding with me."

I glanced at Chavez and then back at Billy.

"I'm going to Mexico," I said.

"You said you were riding with me." Billy looked surprised.

"I didn't, you assumed. I just didn't argue." I hadn't wanted to burn my bridges. I hadn't been completely sure Chavez wouldn't throw my words back in my face, in which case I would have been off to Canada so fast that Billy would have had trouble to catch me up. "I'm going with Chavez," I added firmly.

Billy shrugged. "Fair enough. Surprised at you, though. You won't get your name in the newspaper if you disappear amongst the gringos."

"I don't really care." It had been the last thing on my mind, I realised. What did it matter if people talked about me, or wrote about me? That had just been one of my rather more juvenile desires before I knew there was a chance for me to have something real in my life. All it would likely do now was get me killed and at last I had a reason to want to live as long as possible.

"I guess I'll have to find me a new gang then," Billy said. "Maybe I'll turn up again one day, if Garrett don't catch me first."

There didn't seem to be much more to say. Chavez and I both shook hands with Billy and wished each other good luck. Moments later he was galloping off to the north, leaving us standing there. We looked at each other and neither of us said a word. We turned to our horses, mounted up, made our way down from the hills and began to ride slowly south. In two hours, we'd be over the border.

"You sure about this?" Chavez asked once more. He carried on looking straight ahead.

"You want rid of me, you're gonna have to shoot me," I grinned.

Chavez glanced over at me, his eyes sparkling and a crooked smile on his face; then he looked forwards again.

"Te amo," he said quietly.

"What?"

He dug his heels into his horse's flanks and took off at a gallop, leaving me in the dust. I smiled. I kind of knew what it meant, but damnit, I was going to have to learn Spanish right quick. I flicked my horse with the ends of the reins and took off after him.