It was a few days later when there was a knock at the door. Cas peeked over his pillow, and chewed on the inside of his lip. Who was that? He stood up from his bed, and opened his door, a large stream of light sneaking into his bedroom with hardly enough permission to call consent. He trotted downstairs and opened the door to find Dean. "Dean, what are you doing? It's only one, aren't you supposed to be in school?" He squeaked. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." He said with a slightly small hint of hope in his voice, stepping past Cas, and coming inside.

"What's wrong?" He asked, sitting down on the couch with him. "What is it Dean?"

"Benny's leaving for college next week. He's having a going away party. He's going to California." He smiled. "He wanted me to ask you to come. He misses you."

"I saw him on Memorial Day." Cas hugged his knees. He felt justified on not seeing his friends. It hadn't been that long. Internally, he shrugged. Of course Dean was sent to do the hard part of getting Cas to the occasion for Benny. It's probably because everyone but Dean knew that Cas didn't like Benny.

"Cas, that was two months ago." He said, a little worried now. He watched Cas' body language. He was uncomfortable. Itching to get away, you could even say. He felt guilty for pushing the issue, but he knew somebody had to do it. Maybe Cas wouldn't hate Dean so much as he would Michael for trying. "Cas, don't you miss your friends?" He asked, resting a hand on Cas' shoulder.

Cas shrugged. "You still come see me. That's enough." Mostly, his eyes had stayed on his knees during their little chat so far, but for that, Cas looked up. Cas didn't like to look at Dean unless he was saying something meaningful. Cas didn't like to look at Dean because it made him feel.

Cas' eyes travelled to rest on Dean's hand that was still on his shoulder. "You're touching me." He pointed out, nonchalantly.

"Do you want me to stop?" He asked, chuckling a little.

He shook his head, but new immediately that he should have shrugged. He blushed, and hid his face in his knees. "I don't want to go Dean."

"He said he really wants you there. We all do, Cas. I know things aren't the same now, but we really do want to see you." He plead, squeezing Cas' arm. Cas squirmed. He didn't want the artificial affection. He wanted Dean to hold him like he had that night in his bedroom. He bit his lip, keeping quiet for a while, but then, he grew angry. "If they want to see me, they know where I live. Why don't they ever come see me? It seems like they care. Really, it does. They don't miss me." He spat.

Dean shook his head. "How are they supposed to approach you when you never talk? How are they supposed to see that you're still our Cas if you don't look at them, and smile like you used to?"

"I'm not 'still their Cas'. I'm your Cas. You know me." He whined. God, this was going terribly. "You come see me." He pointed out again.

"They're afraid to upset you, Cas. They don't want to upset you, that's all." He tried ignoring what Cas had said. He knew Cas wasn't mentally stable enough for a relationship, so he'd never tried... He also knew that Cas liked him, but dare not say a thing about it. He knew that Cas lived in his own little world, and that if the image skewed, it was going to throw him spiraling downward again.

"No, they're scared of me." He said quietly, staring at the couch cushion between himself and Dean. "Dean, I don't want people to be scared of me. I don't want to be sad anymore. I just can't help it. I tried getting better. You know I did. But you're the only thing that even gives me a purpose. I have no desires anymore, but to see you. I'm nothing. I'm a loser, I'm a freak, I'm not like the other kids our age-" his voice cracked. The voices wouldn't stop pushing words out of his mouth!

Dean tugged Cas closer suddenly. "Cas, don't say that. Please, don't say that." He kissed the top of his head, through the endless mop of raven hair.

Cas felt Dean's warmth on his own skin. That was good. No, that was bad! It meant that he wasn't wearing long sleeves. He always made sure to wear long sleeves when he had company, or his brothers were home. Shit. Shit shit shit! He jumped up, careful to hide his arms now. How could he have been so mindless? "Dean, you kissed me." He said, his brow furrowing in confusion. His mind had caught up with the occurrence.

"I thought that's what you wanted." He said softly, looking up at Cas from the couch. He stood after a few seconds.

"I'm cold-" Cas squeaked. "I'll, um, I'm gonna go change alright?" He blushed. Dean had kissed him!

Dean sighed. "Cas, I'm sorry!" He stood, and ran after him. "Castiel?" He said, knocking on his door. He'd scared him away. Great!

Cas tugged a long sleeved shirt on, over his short sleeved one, just in case Dean barged in without permission. Not that Cas wasn't okay with him coming in whenever, or when he didn't have a shirt on, but y'know, it was the scars. He didn't even have the new gashes from the night before wrapped properly yet. He opened the door. "Dean, why'd you do that?" He asked again breathless, his hands clutching his shirt sleeves and the door now.

"Cas you haven't let go like that in a long time. Are the thoughts back? Are you having thoughts again?" He asked, stepping inside, and leading Cas to the bed. "Cas, you said you'd tell me."

Cas shook his head. "They never left, but you told me to stay." Cas mumbled. He stared at Dean's hands. He wanted so badly to hold one, for his own. He fidgeted, tugging at his sleeves again. They ends were already drenched in sweat. "So I stay." He looked up at him again, his blue eyes piercing Dean's.

Dean shook his head. "Cas, I want you to be happy. I know it's hard to talk about how you feel, especially with another dude, but you gotta talk to somebody, alright?" He asked, "What do you want me to do? I'll do anything."

Cas shook his head and brought his knees to his chest again, rocking back and forth. He didn't speak.

"Cas!" Dean groaned, whining a little. "Cas, please-" His voice was quivering now. Cas looked up, seeing Dean's face in just small stripes from the blinds. "Dean, are you crying?" He whispered the question.

"Please-" Dean said again. "Just let me care. Let somebody care. Let somebody help."

Something broke in Castiel when he heard Dean falling apart. He shook his head, and got up, onto his knees now. He wrapped his arms around Dean. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, into Dean's messy, blonde hair. "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean held Cas' arm, and he cried into Cas' chest. "I try so hard to be strong for you, and give you the things you want, and come see you, but it's never enough. I can't make you happy any more, and I'm so scared you're going to leave me to deal with the rest of this shit world by myself."

Cas shook his head. "I couldn't ever leave you, Dean. I tried that once, you pulled me off the bridge remember? Just with your voice, and without knowing."

Dean tangled his fingers into Cas' hair. "Cas, I wanna make you happy." He said, with a deep, raspy voice. He sounded sleepy, almost.

Cas thought about the sudden turn of events. "You thought I wanted you to kiss me?" He said.

Dean smiled, laughing a little. "You always leave these little hints... You always have."

Cas bit his lip. "I'm sorry about that. I always tried to hide it. I didn't want to upset you."

"You're bad at hiding things." He said, kissing his cheek bone.

"Dean, what are you doing?" He asked, his tone showing his exhaustion from the day. "You don't have to-"

But Dean's lips were on his, and his arms were around Dean's ribs. He pulled him closer, and kissed him deeper. He couldn't stop if he wanted to.