Divine Like the Wolves- Chapter 3
Lurking Shadows
Disclaimer: Ally Carter owns, except the characters that are obviously mine c;
As soon as Josh has his last bite, Mom comes to collect him like as if he were something fragile in the hands of a giant. He is ushered out in the calmest way possible with Professor Buckingham trailing along. I wonder what they're doing, but my mind immediately becomes taken over as Zach leans in.
"I'll wait for you." He kisses my cheek before he gets up and walks out of the Great Room. I look at Macey, then Bex and finally Liz. My heart races a mile a minute and I want to zoom out of the room with it. Who cares what the girls think? I begin to get up so I can go meet Zach, but just then Aunt Abby and Joe walk in. She takes one look at me and I know, I won't be able to get away.
"Macey, can you come with me to the room?" I ask, casually. "We'll wait for Bex and Liz there."
"Oh, sure." She says, picking up on my tone. We walk out of the Great Room together. But not before Bex wiggles her eyebrows at me.
"Why are we doing this?" She asks.
"If Joe and Aunt Abby see me walking out by myself and Zach isn't around, they're not going to let me go." I explain.
"Okay, but ew, Cam you have got to stop calling him Joe. It sounds creepy." She shakes her shoulders like she was trying to get a boy's needy hands off her shoulders. I laugh. Since the events following that summer, I have been calling him Joe. There's something about calling him by his first name that brings me back to my dad. Or closer than I can ever be anymore. More closer than wearing his t-shirt or even remembering the damaged nails that I have gained last summer. The scratching...the dirt. I shake my head at a shameless attempt to rid myself of these thoughts. It will come back. It always comes back. The few memories that have always do. The horrible truth that I had uncovered from my trip to Rome, stain my dreams. Stain my mind in black, seething darkness.
When I get out of the doors, Macey splits off with a wink. "See you in the room, with details." I frown at her playfully, then smile. I begin looking around for Zach and I think of the one place he could be.
It's been awhile since I've climbed through here. The kitchen staff was resting in a separate eating room of their own as I snuck through. It's dark here but cool. It hits my skin and brings up the memories that lurk in the back of my mind. Cobwebs cover the walls as an indicator that it hasn't been used too often. As I walk I move the dust around my feet and can just hear the sound of my shoes tapping the floor as I sneak out to see Josh. Those simpler days are gone and in the cold of this tunnel, of my escape from the world Josh wouldn't accept, I see him. Zach leans against the wall and I approach him.
"Hey." I say, a little awkward because he still hasn't addressed that I am here. He jumps a little bit as he looks my direction.
"Holy Shit! I didn't know you were there!" He laughs. I feel a tiny tingle of pride that drops to uncertainty. How did I get to be so quiet? How can I move through the tunnel like nothing more than merely dust coating the cement? Then the questions disappear into the cobwebs when I have the sudden feeling to be close to him. I take quick steps and wrap my arms around his waist. I bury my face in his shirt and let myself be here. I let myself be selfish and attend my needs. My need to tame these lurking thoughts that crawl in the shadows of my mind and the nonsense I use to push them back. They must stay in the shadows and I am the only one who can keep them there. For the first time since he abandoned his room and left for Blackthorne, I feel safe. Relief eases my tense and tired bones.
"I missed you." He murmurs in my hair. His heart beat is steady as I hold on longer.
"You should have stayed here with me." I respond, closing my eyes. Zach left just after Dr. Steve did. He returned to Blackthorne as I carried on my senior year here.
"I wish I could have, but I couldn't. I missed you so much."
"I missed you." I look up at him, leaning in. Our lips meet and his are smooth, firm and warm. I kiss him using the months apart, using the security I feel and the burning, thrashing dragon in my stomach. Butterflies are cute and mild. A dragon is not. I stand here, pressed up against Zach with cobwebs hanging over our head with a dragon in my stomach. Something wraps around my chest and squeezes. My heart wants to explode in happiness so I can let go. Let loose. But something holds it together and keeps it locked in the rusting cage.
Soon, we are sitting down among the dust and I swear, it is the most romantic place I have ever been. He holds me in his arms as we talk about tactics to rob a bank. He tells me the silly disguises he would wear and the silly things he would say. I tell him that it wouldn't work and would fail miserably.
But he just responds with, "Gallagher Girl, it would work."
"You were once a Gallagher Girl." I laugh, resting my head on his chest.
"Gallagher girl?! It's okay, I'm just the first male ever to attend school here, that's all." He sighs, smirking.
"You will go down in history. The book of a shame." I laugh again. "This is nice. We've never done this before."
Suddenly, I get nervous. The giggly girl from before has disappeared and replaced with a girl who needs desperate help with boys. I haven't done this before with him. Laughing and talking while he holds me. Like a normal couple of people. Like the way you see it in movies where they're all happy and they don't have to worry about the enemies behind their back all the time. The enemies who duck when you look behind and swivel as you do a full turn.
"When is there a time to do it?" He whispers, his breath hot on my neck and sending slow shivers down my spine. I interpret this wrong as I think he actually means to...do it. He kisses my cheek and hold me snugger to his chest. I jolt upright and my first instinct is to flee. I refrain myself from doing so and force myself to stay awhile longer. I am tense all over and this is so bad. He's going to know. He's going to know.
"Zach..." I start. "Uhmm..."
"Yes...?" He asks. He doesn't get it. How is the message not registered yet? My body language, my tone and sudden change is all here as signs. Why can't he get it so I don't have to say it out loud?! I bite my lip and sideways glance at him.
"Zach, I think that we should..." I want to finish and tell him to wait. But my face is burning and I swear if my chest was against his, he'd feel my heart beat.
"We could do it anytime, Cam." He says. His voice is like velvet, coating his words in the smooth texture. His voice is suddenly deeper, rumbling and rich. It's bizarre. Suddenly my magenta running shorts are too small and I pull them down, a desperate try to stretch the fabric.
"I have to go, I'll see you later." I say abruptly as he puts his hand in mine. I get up from the cement and practically zoom my way out of the passage. Literally leaving dust in my trail.
"No! Cammie, I didn't mean it-" he starts. But I'm already gone, leaving in silence and a quiet treck as the shadows enter my mind trying to corrupt my vision of everything. I'm out of the passage way and as quickly as I can, I try to get to my room. The gleaming marble floors and wonderful morning sun fill the mansion in beauty but all I can focus on is the redness in my cheeks. I feel humiliation stirring inside and I cringe at the memory. I feel so stupid. Maybe I should go back and explain. I remember the way I ran away and the fact that I thought he meant he actually wanted to have sex. It makes me feel embarrassed all over again as I think of myself trying to explain. What if he doesn't even want me?
"GAH!" I exclaim, passing girls who give me curios looks. I bet they're trying to figure out my latest drama in all things spy and boy like. Scandalous you might say. I finally reach my dorm room and rush in, quickly closing the door behind me. Bex, Liz and Macey perk up, their faces lit in excitement.
"Tell us everything!" Liz squeals, jumping up from her bed and dragging me to Macey's.
"Did you make some nuns look away in shame?" Bex nudges me with her elbow as she sits next to me, obviously joking because she laughs. And we have no nuns here in Gallagher. I groan and pull my legs up to my chest.
"Cam! Speak!" Macey says, hitting my leg.
"I feel so stupid!" I start. "Zach and I were in the tunnel, you know, the one I used to sneak out I to see Josh-"
"You brought him there?" Bex says, her eyebrows knit in question and her voice in disbelief.
"No, I found him there. But that's not the point-"
"Why did he go there?" Bex asks again, pondering a tiny detail that doesn't really matter.
"Maybe he didn't want the nuns to see the two of them!" Macey fakes astonishment.
"Oh! I bet that's the reason!" Liz giggles.
"Shut up if you want to hear the story!" I say. I take a deep breath and continue. "Zach and I were in the tunnel and we started talking. It was really nice because we've never done something so normal before. I said this and he told me we could do it at anytime." I picture myself running away again and I groan.
"So..." Bex urges.
"I thought he meant to...do it." I say. I emphasize the last part and give them a pointed look. They don't need this to catch on because they're already laughing. They throw their heads back and laugh at my expense. Any other time this would be fine, but not now. Not when I'm spinning with embarrassment. I groan again and move to my own bed. I flop down on the cool, soft blanket and let the comfort try to cool me down.
"Anyway," I start as they stop laughing. "I ran away after that and he called after me. He said he didn't mean it like that." They move over to my bed and say sorry. I close my eyes and hide my face with my hands, trying to forget.
"How was the rest if your morning?" I ask.
"Meh," responds Macey. "I just sat here waiting for you guys to come up, while you canoodled your boyfriends."
"Canoodled?" I laugh. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Jonas is not my boyfriend." Liz says, her cheeks flushing a bit.
"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure Grant is mine. Honestly, I can't say I'm surprised. But he asked me if I wanted to meet him tonight." Bex says, beaming. I sit up and give them some more room to sit. We talk about the boys and just as we get on the topic of Josh, a knock sounds at the door. I look at my roommates and it's clear, I have to get it. I roll my eyes and jump off my bed. I open the door, praying that it's not Zach. I can't help but to breathe a sigh of relief as Joe stands at the door. He has his hands behind his back and standing all professional like.
"Good Morning, Ms. Morgan." He says. "Girls." His nods to my friends.
"Good Morning J-Mr. Solomon." I say, quickly correcting myself. "What is it?"
"Sorry to ruin your wondrous teenage Saturday night plans, but we are taking a little field trip tonight. So be ready outside at exactly 4:45pm." He smiles.
"Why so short notice?" I ask, even though I was planning to steal and eat buckets if ice cream from the kitchen tonight while watching Harry Potter.
"Spies Ms. Morgan. Spies. 6 hours and 45 minutes should be enough time." With that he goes off and I close the door. I look at my roommates and shrug.
"Why does he always have to sound so ominous?" Macey says, flipping back on her bed.
"Spies Ms. McHenry. Spies." Bex says, mocking his tone and widening his eyes. I laugh at how utterly ridiculous she looks. For the rest if the day, Bex and Liz hang out with Jonas and Grant. While Macey and I do our C.O.W's homework. It's rather tiring and I give up later on. So instead, we listen to music and I pray Zach doesn't stop by. Or Josh. I suddenly wonder where he but I don't voice this out loud. Instead, Macey and I talk about other stuff and enjoy our time. I try to steer clear of my boy drama and try to get her talking about hers. But she's reluctant and refuses to utter a word. When 12:00 rolls around and nothing has happened yet, not even a visit from Mom and thankfully-Zach.
"I'm going to try to find my mom." I say, deciding. Macey yawns and coats the last nail in mint green nail polish on my hand and nods.
"Alright," she stretches. "I'm going to sleep. Stupid Welcoming Breakfast interfered with my sleep."
As I watch her turn off the air conditioner and climb into a cool bed, the vents go silent. They no longer blow soothing, cool air into the room and I wish I could also go to sleep. Within minutes she's sleeping and I go to my dresser. It's about time I change from my running clothes, despite how comfortable they are. I shed the navy blue t-shirt and magenta shorts for something less athletic. I change into a comfy, grey, pullover hoodie and simple black pants. I slip on my tennis shoes and all the while, still manage not to mess up my nails. My undo my hair, but decide to put it back up because of the bump around my head. Pony tail hair, almost as bad as hat hair. I think, reminded of the time Macey said something like this to me before. I leave the room and Macey, who snores softly in her wonderful sleep. I walk to Mom's office first, vaguely wondering where Bex and Liz are.
I am about to knock on the door when I hear a chorus of angry, yet hushed voices. "No! We do not know for sure and based on previous experience-"
"Oh, Patricia! How are we to fully know unless we try? What are we to loose-"
Apparently, Mom doesn't like what this particular person has to say. "We have everything to lose! I have a daughter, I have a school of young girls to lose!"
I put my ear closer to the door and hope nobody comes this way. I think of the passage behind the painting in Mom's office. But I quickly dismiss it, the last time I was there; I overheard people calling me untrustworthy. The thought upsets me briefly until I remember Zach. The way he kissed me. I shake my head and convince myself that if I go, I'll miss stuff. Important stuff.
"Yes I know! They are going to be in danger if we let them out of the school though! Are you telling me that you are willing to let them out when he is out, but not try to look-"
"These girl and boys need to be trained. We can't lock them up and hope they'll do fine in the real world without doing our job." I immediately know that this is Joe, his smooth transition of girls and boys tells me so. He sounds angry in his hushed tone and I wish they'd speak up. Or at least speak up in a different language if secrecy is so important. Not that it would make a difference.
"Yes, he is saying that. What I believe he is trying to say is that how can we take the risk of letting these girls and boys out but not to try this." Aunt Abby says, closer to the door. I am closer to the wall now, in the space between the bench and the wall. My ear is pressed right up against the wood and I can hear them a lot better now. I control my beating heart by breathing steadily and being half concealed.
"I think that we should-" Mom's voice is too quiet to hear. Way more quiet than it had been originally. I strain to hear her, to hear the rest of her words. But I can't. They speak too quietly for me to hear and I begin to get frustrated.
"Samuel Lyle is dangerous. The Circle has not survived this long-" their voices become muffled and I have to strain to hear. I inch closer and closer, smushing my ear. "But we cannot keep hiding. They need-" out again. I cringe and wish I had time to run into the passage and listen, highly regretting my previous decision. But out of the feeling in my stomach, I take off my tennis shoes and inch away from the door. My footsteps are quiet without the tiny squeak of them and I spin around on the balls of my feet and run. I quickly dive into cover by a large doorway leading to a classroom just as the door to Mom's office opens. It is silent as I press myself against the wall and pray that they don't know where I am. I think of all the possible outcomes and the reflective surfaces they could use. I think of the possibility of my finding and the obvious and entrapping place of my spot by the door. But the office door slowly shuts just as people come around the corner. I quickly throw on my shoes and melt. I melt into a casual leaning position and pretend to not be doing anything. They pass by with a glance of recognition and when they're gone, I leave.
Words and snippets of the words they have said float around in my head. I have so many questions, so many questions that will hang midair and not to be answered. Questions like these cannot be simply asked. They have to be found. They have to be dug up and pulled, forcefully, out. That's how it works. That is the only way I might be able to get rid of this burning fear twisting me inside. I am about to make my way back up to the room, but instead, I find myself going in a different direction entirely. I don't know where I'm going. I just keep walking around the school, inside and out. A walk around the track, a girls running past me. I hear one snicker, but I don't really care. I am by myself, walking around the track. Yes, get over it. I think, vaguely. More interesting stuff has happened before. My eyes flick to her the next time she comes around, my eyebrows knitted. She looks down immediately and I can tell she's a sophomore. I wonder if she's afraid of me. I see a group of boys practicing fighting off to the side of the track and know right away that the girls are trying to get their attention. I sigh, momentarily forgetting about my eavesdropping. I remember the first time Blackthorne came here. The time I got shown up by Zach. Simple days. Or, simpler says I should say, remembering the panic of thinking Dr. Steve was evil and tried stealing the alumni disk. Yet of course, he was evil, even as we uncovered that the plan was just a test.
I am nearing the end of my lap and the sun starts to fall lower to the sky from its highest point. An hour goes fast. And as another hour ticks by slowly, I see Josh. And Zach. And Grant. They are group of boys along with newer ones too, now joined by Mr. McGraw. I know the moment that I see him, the meeting must be over. My stomach lurches and all too late I think of leaving right away. To flee to my room and hide from Mr. McGraw's coincidental face, with his jaw line, his hair and his smile. His smile that stretches wide over his face and displays a row of perfect teeth. But it's not just this. It's not the smile my dad made in my clear memories; it's not his picture smile or the smile that gradually comes in after a laugh. No, it's his eyes. His eyes that are swift and always changing. It's the pictures, the journal, the letter all coming back to me. It's the history that he has shared with people. It's the Circle of Cavan grasping at my throat, but still forcing me to smile as he waves at me.
"Ms. Morgan!" He calls. I force myself to smile as I make my way towards him and the boys. I see Zach look at me, as well as everybody else. Embarrassment flares up inside me and I hope I'm not blushing. I approach the boys as Mr. McGraw gives me a warm-and horrible (for me)-smile. I try not to look directly in his eyes as he reaches out his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Ms. Morgan. I'm Andy McGraw and I teach the boys at Blackthorne." He says, like as if I didn't already know this. I smile politely and shake his outstretched hand. His hands are big, calloused and firm. His voice, thank goodness, sounds nothing like my father. It's a bit deeper and rumbles. But instead of coming off as awfully scary, he comes off as strong and confident. It just got worse. I force myself to forget about it and try to see that this man does not look like my dad.
"Hello, I'm Cammie." I say.
"Yes, I know. The famous Cameron Morgan. Oh, I've heard a lot about you." I think back to the time Zach had called me famous before also. Then I wonder, with fear, how many people know who I am. This is bad. People are not supposed to know me, they are not supposed to see me, they are not supposed to realize that I can follow them down an empty street for hours.
"In what way?" I ask, suddenly annoyed at how I am a topic on everybody's lips. Like I am spread around till my semester has fallen and popped. Maybe it was never really up anyway.
"Oh, don't worry about your spy status. You'll still be the second best pavement artist even when everybody in the whole world knows your face." He smiles, reading me. I don't know what it is about this man, but he makes me feel angry. Like he's stolen my dad's face. C'mon Cammie, he's not your dad. He will never amount up to him. I think.
"Who's the first?" I ask, but it appears that he hasn't heard me after that.
"Have you met some of my students?" He asks, turning around. I take a few steps and greet the new and old faces. I already know from first glance back on the track, there are 8 of them. I recognize and know four but the other four are new.
"Gone for another run, Cam?" Josh grins.
I roll my eyes and say, "I was not running, for your information."
"Hey Cammie." Zach smiles, his arm resting on the shoulder of Grant. There's a shyness to his eyes, but he still smirks, obviously not at me of course. To Josh.
"I know Zach, Grant, Josh and...him." I say, pointing to the boy that looks familiar from last time. He says his name is Darren and Mr. McGraw introduces the newer guys who probably couldn't come to the last exchange as Tom, Matthew, Daniel and Rupert. They all smile kindly until Mr. McGraw add in at the end, "Beware boys." Then their smile turn dangerously...well cocky. Boys. I think. Maybe they're trying to show that they aren't intimidated by me. But his comment only makes me feel a hot anger that I force back down again. He doesn't know me well enough. He dares utter these words.
"Actually-" I start, wanting to set things straight,
"We were just showing Josh the basics before you guys go out this evening. Kid's really good at remembering things and can throw a decent punch." He interrupts. I look over to Josh, surprised.
"Wait, he's coming with us tonight? But he hasn't gone through enough training to be in Cove-Ops Sublevel-"
"Your mom said that I should come along to see how things work. Or course this will be my last one until I get you know...the basic training and such." Josh says, smoothly. "But don't worry, I should be joining you and your class soon enough." He points to his head. I am astonished and I let my mouth hang open a bit. I gape at him and open and close my mouth like a fish. I regain my composure, since Tom and Daniel are looking at me like I am unprofessional.
"Well, that should be...good." I manage to choke out. "Well it was nice meeting you, but I have to go. I'll let you go back to your..." I trail off, gesturing to their group.
"Goodbye Ms. Morgan, see you in a couple hours." Mr. McGraw says, facing back to the boys and already giving them instructions. Jerk. I think as I walk away, not before briefly looking at Zach and Josh, mentally saying goodbye. I reach the track's sand when I hear behind me, "Cammie!" I turn around and Josh is jogging towards me. I already knew from the voice that it was Josh. I feel a bit disappointed but at the same time, I am relieved I don't have to deal with Zach right now. Not here with the girls passing by and the boys secretly glancing this way. I wait for him.
"Yeah?"
"I need to talk to you, will you meet me later on?" He asks. I want to desperately say no. But I look into his blue eyes and I can't. They reflect the blue, 1:00 sky. It's 1:00 and my day has already been eventful. Since six this morning, I have been up and already moving. It's been a rather stressful day. A long one at that. With the hours going by so fast but at the same time, dragging on. New information received, new people, new things spoken, Josh and Mr. McGraw. They all cram into these hours and Mr. McGraw is already settling in, squeezing and pushing things out of the way. I am so exhausted already, I nod yes. What would it hurt? Who would it hurt?
"Come by my room before we leave." I say, as he lights up. I give him directions to get there and we split. I glance briefly at Zach and hope that he doesn't hurt Josh too much. Once I get back to the room, Macey is still sleeping. Bex and Liz are back, doing their own thing.
"Wow, Cam! You look like crap, are you okay?" Bex asks, setting down her, "Art of War" book. She's trying to soak up as much information as she can this year. I shake my head, feeling weighed down.
"Can we talk about this later? I'm tired and would really like to sleep." I yawn. I have a lot to tell you guys. I think, but don't say this. It will make Bex impatient.
"Yeah...sure." She says, eyeing me carefully. I plop down into bed and cover myself with my blanket, the air conditioner humming again. I barely remember to take off my shoes as my eyelids get heavy and they drop down till I fall asleep. I am whisked away from this eventful day, from Josh and his arrival. His quick settle in and the fact that he's adjusting in. It makes me nervous for reasons I don't understand. I forget about Mr. McGraw and the fact that he looks like my dad. From Zach and the words spoken in my mom's office today. Too many things. Too many things. Too many things.
I dream I am sitting outside in a small cafe with a light blue cup on the round table. It's steaming and there's wind. But all I do is sit here and talk to the person across from me. Their face is blurry and I can't make them out. Or the sound of their voice. All I can tell is that I enjoy this. I enjoy sitting here and speaking normally to this person. It's a hazy dream...like blurred edges of a milky white film overlaying my eyes. There's a nice song playing in my head.
"Deep in the forest under the yellow lit sky,
Lies a girl who hums a sweet lullaby,
She has hair of the sun,
Eyes of the earth and can hide from anyone,"
It's a deep, smooth voice and I can't quiet pick up the words. But it makes this world sway as I continue speaking with this person.
"She hums her lullaby as her eyes softly close,
Oh, I will protect you against the shadows-"
"Cammie!" A voice says. "Cammie! Josh is here!"
I open my eyes and take a deep breath. I am lying in my bed and the singing voice is gone. As Liz comes into view, excited, I begin to lose bits of my dreams. They crumble away and I forget some details.
"Cammie! Josh is waiting for you at the door!" She says. I slowly get up and stumble to the door, still a bit tired. Before I open the door I take a quick look at the alarm clock. 4:00pm. I open the door and Josh is standing there, a small smile on his lips.
"Hi," I say. I step out of the room, closing the door behind me. "How are you?"
"Hey, I'm good. I just wanted to talk to you. Do you have time to...I don't know. Go for a quick walk?" He asks, unsure. I nod my head and we begin our way down the hall.
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask.
"I just...need somebody familiar. You know, this is honestly, scary. I...I'm here at this new school so fast. I was home...I was going to go to college. Now my whole life has changed. I just need someone to...be here." He gets a faraway look in his eyes. I admire this thoughtful look and find myself staring. He shakes his head, wiping the look from his eyes.
"Do you regret it?" I whisper.
"No, funny thing is, I'm kind of glad. But, this morning when I went to see my mom...my family, they were surprised. My sister was sad. So was my mom. But they told my family that I would be setting myself up in life. I couldn't help feeling...happy as I packed my bags." He whispers, playing with his hands. It suddenly hits me that he has also had a long day as well. It makes me feel better about my day.
"Are you scared for...the life we have here?" I ask. I immediately regret the "we" in the sentence and I look away, cringing as I do. Thankfully, he doesn't pick up on it. Or at least, he doesn't say anything about it.
"Sort of. But Mr. McGraw and you mom were saying that I have potential here. Mr. Solomon and your Aunt have been helping me settle in really well." He says.
"So, you're officially moved in?" I ask him, pausing at a railing.
"Yeah. I am...I'll be leaving to Blackthorne with them." He whispers. I gasp slightly. He looks at me and smiles.
"So, what did you really want to talk to me about? I'm glad to hear about your move in and all, but..." I trail off, turning to him. Part of me, seeing him around here in my school, makes me feel self-conscious. I feel like I should be flinging myself at him and trying to hide everything in sight. I want to protect the school. But at the same time, I think it's kind of cool. Years of seeing these same walls and there's finally something totally different. My mind flashes to Dr. Steve and Rome for just a second until I push it away...again. For the hundredth time in its existence.
"Cammie...what happened since I last saw you?" His face is serious, all traces of the smiles gone and the lightness from his blue eyes. This question...this question is coated in bees. They all swarm, hovering over me and I want to hide. I want to hide from Josh and to not answer this terrible question. But what's the point? Josh will see me. The bees will follow. It's silent for a moment as I look into his blue eyes, incusing and free from watchful caution.
"A lot, Josh. A lot." I say, looking away.
"How bad?" he whispers, tucking a strand of wild hair behind my hair. For the first time since Dr. Steve left and I was left with no memory, I want to cry. Tears burn in my eyes and I want to damn his sincerity. I take a deep breath, and let one tear stream down my face before quickly drying it.
"It follows me everywhere. Sometimes I can't sleep. But I keep telling myself that if I forget about it, it will go away. There's days and times where I do forget. Just for a little while. But they always come back...like night. Nothing will stop it." My voice cracks and I clear my throat, demanding my tears stay back. I must not be weak.
"Running from it won't help, Cammie." He moves closer to me. "Take it from me, Jimmy." I laugh, blinking so that my tears dry. But there's still that feeling in my throat and the Circle has got me again, I don't trust myself to speak.
"Do you want to talk about it? I want to know why...why you..." He trails off, putting his hand just above my elbow.
"No," I shake my head. "Maybe later." I think that this is really unlikely, but I don't say so. I glance at him and his eyes pierce me. They're full of non-judged concern. It's not the cautious look some people give me. No, his eyes are soft and see every bit of me. Suddenly, I see Zach in my head. I move so that Josh's hand falls from my arm. I haven't done anything. Oh, but yes you have.
"I should go get ready." I say, forcing a smile.
"Yeah, me too. Long day and we're still going out, huh?" He smiles, a lopsided smile, but then it falters. He clears his throat. "Cammie..." His voice is so soft, I almost lean in closer.
"Let's go," I say abruptly. "We have to be there right on time or Mr. Solomon will be pissed."
"Yeah..."
He walks me back to my room, getting a few curious glances from the people walking by. I stop at the door and turn toward him. I immediately wish I hadn't because this is what girls do in the movies when they want a kiss from their date.
"You know, you look really cute with your hair messy." He teases, pointing to my hair. I quickly go to my head and realize that my hair is sticking up in all angles and my pony tail is loose.
"Josh! Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, pulling up my hood and pulling the draw strings.
"Because, I liked it." He laughs.
"See you later." I say, sighing. I open the door as he says goodbye and I close it.
"Whew! Good, someone told you about your hair!" Macey says, smiling. She is all ready, her hair is not the mess it was when I left but she has no trace of makeup. As usual, and she is still stunning.
"You guys didn't tell me either!" I say, grabbing a pillow and throwing at the one closest to me. Who happens to be Liz.
"Ouch!" She says. "Not my fault."
I quickly get ready. I can't help but to drag that feeling around. I had almost told Josh everything. I almost let him into my world. I can't though. He can't be in my world. Not the way I watch women dive off cliffs into the water for a paper, or the way I mysteriously disappear. I can't let him come into my world of missing things...memories and lurking enemies. I look at my friends, getting ready to go out and excited. I wanted to briefly discuss Samuel Lyle and the things I overheard. But the way they smile as they comb my hair makes me not want to dump this on them. So I leave it for another time. Later.
A/N: WOOH! Long time since I updated. Sorry, I've been so busy lately. With school. -.- Stupid freshman year wearing me out. Anyways, I hope this made up for the long wait. I'm going back to school on Monday because March Break is over :( I'll be more productive. Promise! Kay, hope you liked this chapter. And let me know what you think of alternating POV. With who? Anyone pick up on Tom, Daniel, Matthew and Rupert? ;)