Cas felt his bottom lip quiver. God, no. He couldn't start crying! He kissed Dean's cheek and held him closer, trying to seem okay. "I, um- I wasn't really in the shower. I was about to get in the shower. That's what I meant. I'm sorry. You just frightened me. Calling at my window's a bit romeo and juliet don't you think?"

Dean shook his head. "How are you feeling?" He knew Cas was trying to lighten the mood. There was something wrong that Cas wasn't telling him.

"Fine." Cas said, careful not to grab at his sleeves like he usually did. He knew if Dean found out, if anyone found out, he'd be trapped. He'd be checked on all the time, he'd have to make promises he had no intention of keeping and worst of all, he'd end up in the hospital again. The hospital was sort of like his room, except brighter and more people came to annoy him each day. So, really, they were nothing at all alike.

Dean noticed the higher tone now. "I don't know what you're hiding, but since you won't give it up... I think maybe I should bring up what I said we should talk about tonight."

Cas felt that lump in his throat again. "Yes, Dean?" What could it possibly be? Didn't Dean want to be with him anymore? Or was he as confused by all this as Cas was? Was he having doubts? Was he embarrassed by him? Because he was a freak, Dean was embarrassedby him. Every thread of his being pushed blood to the surface of his skin. He was blushing.

"It's just... My dad." He said.

Cas sighed in relief. That sounds terrible! It was relief in the fact that Dean wasn't really trying to break up with him already. He was still displeased with the fact that Dean was upset, but he was happy to know that it wasn't directly linked to Cas' immediate happiness. "What about him?"

Cas had to admit. He hadn't heard anything about John in a long time. Since Cas' dad had disappeared, Dean sort of shut up about his own. He guessed Dean just didn't want to trigger any bad thoughts about the whole ordeal.

Dean laced his fingers into Castiel's, and let his eyes wander about the room now. After a few moments, Cas leaned closer. He felt the weight of the previous situtation rising from his shoulders. He looked into Dean's eyes cautiously. Dean felt Cas' heat radiating onto his own skin. "I'm just afraid..." Dean mumbled, his shame, read aloud now and not just through assumptions.

There was more silence. Cas thought back a year or so. Worry began to bubble up and ooze out of his pores. "Has he hurt you since we last spoke of him?" Now that Castiel thought about it, the last time Dean muttered anything closely relating his father, it was about how John was upset with him over Sammy sneaking out to go to Jess' house. John hit both Sam and Dean that night. It was not pleasant.

Dean shook his head. "No, but if he finds out about us, he might. That's sort of why when Benny calls, I leave so suddenly. I know it hurts your feelings, but I didn't think I could explain all of this to you without telling you how I felt."

"Felt about..." Cas was lost. He was still focused on the explanation Dean had just given about his father. "Felt about me? Benny? ...Me." He decided.

Dean chomped down harder on his lip now, nodding. "I don't want to put you in any danger. But, can I be honest with you about something?"

"Did you ever kiss Benny?" Cas asked suddenly. His tone of voice had changed entirely. He was curious, but sounded a little pissed off. He had no idea why he'd issued the words.

Dean leaned back slightly, and shook his head. "What? No! Where did that come from?"

Dean began to panic. He didn't want to explain this to Cas. Not now, at least. It wasn't the right time. He could fly off the handle again, at any moment. What if Cas hurt himself or something over it? It'd be all his fault. He groaned. "Damn it, Cas. Why would you think that?"

Cas shrugged. "I'm sorry."

Dean tugged Castiel closer now and kissed at the crevice of the younger boy's shoulder and neck. "Cas, I don't like Benny that way. But, I felt it was good practice of getting to know how it feels to take care of a guy. I wanted to be ready for you, in case you wanted me some day. In case some day you told me how you really felt. I never did anything with him. Nothing intimate ever took place. I promise. But, I was loyal to him too. We've had a lot of deep conversations, and a lot of late nights. But I never kissed him. Or held him. just like I've never done any of that with a girl either."

"Lies. It's all lies then!" He yelped. His body soon was forcing his hands to push away from Dean with open hands at Dean's chest. "Why would you talk about those girls like then, huh? Why would you hurt me like that, if you said you knew how I felt!" He whined, and looked away, even though Dean was tightening his grip on Cas' shoulders and back. "Cas, Baby- Calm down: Shh...-"

"Why do you keep lying!" Cas whimpered now, and pushed away at Dean's chest still. This time there was more insistence and anger. He felt trapped, and soon his breathing showed it. He tried to escape, but Dean kissed at his face. "Dean, stop it. I don't want you to kiss me. Let me go!"

Dean shook his head. "Cas: Let me explain. I don't want you to be alone when you're upset. Don't make me leave. Come on. I'm just trying to explain. You're not letting me explain."

"What's there to explain? Everything I've ever known about you, or us, is a lie. You don't like girls at all? You've made this whole reputation for yourself, for what?!" He asked. "Every time we'd go out, or walk down the hall-! Dean, why'd you have to say those things if you knew! You don't like girls, you don't like Benny, but you let me think so for a year, didn't you? This is your fault-! I could be happy!"

Dean shook his head. "I didn't- I didn't know until your dad left! Until you let me get so close to you on the bridge that night." Dean was speaking so urgently, and soon tried to do so more gently, this time into Cas' collar. "Please, let me explain. I know you're upset. If you'll let me explain-"

Cas shook his head. "Dean, you hurt me."

"And you hurt me." He threw back. His eyes were open slightly now. He was waiting for Cas to stop freaking out now. He was getting a little annoyed. But, he didn't let Cas see that. "Cas, it's my dad. That's why I started the conversation the way I did. That's why I was so ashamed to start talking about this. That's why I've been avoiding telling you for a year and a half, give or take a month or two. Cas, listen!" He pled. He kissed his forehead now, and held him close.

Cas nodded now, knowing that he sounded psychotic. This was probably really hard for Dean to talk about, and it wasn't helping that Cas was freaking out on him and calling him a liar like some crazy kid, mad at grandma, who supported the divorce. Cas closed his eyes, and tried to steady his breathing. A minute or two passed. The clock ticked away. But, then Dean kissed his cheek bone again, and Cas nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'll listen. I'm sorry."

His people skills were a little rusty. Could you blame him? He hadn't talked to anyone, or felt any real emotion for months.

"If my dad knew I was gay. That I cared about you so much, that I put off every other responsibilty for you, that I didn't have any real reason to be around, other than trying to help you feel better, he'd kill me. And I mean that. He'd never have it. He'd try to hurt me, and you. And he'd target your brothers. It'd be bad. I wanted to protect you. At first, it was about me. I always liked you. Okay? Since the day we first met." Dean said, trying to sound chipper, and professional but more importantly, calm. He continued now. "But, I had to build up that reputation, so my dad wouldn't freak out on me. See, Sam's allowed to be sensitive, and smart, and caring, and all that. But, I'm the older brother. He'd freak. I'm supposed to be the strong one, whose able to hold down the fort when he goes away on business trips and stuff. He'd know. When I realized that you liked me too, that night on the bridge... I just... I made it my mission to protect you. When I come see you, my dad thinks I'm at the auto shop. So, when Benny calls, that means my dad's called in and he's going to be there soon to take his shift. That's why sometimes it's at weird times." Cas shifted and squirmed on Dean's lap, listening more closely now. He watched Dean's lips as he spoke.

"And sometimes it doesn't make sense with the excuses I give. It's always last minute because schedules and payroll and all that, really aren't supposed to be shared without consent, so sometimes I don't know what time he'll be there and for how long. But anyways, I didn't want you to worry about me all the time. So, I never told you. And I thought if I threw off your little image of the world of me, like I just did by trying to tell you all this, that'd you wouldn't understand and you'd think I was just lying again. And you'd hate me, and everything that's gotten a little bit better, little by bit, would be for nothing." Dean took a deep breath, and then sighed in relief. Cas kissed at Dean's hands.

"I've wanted to tell you. I just wanted you to be okay enough to accept it, and with how quiet you were, I felt like you didn't even want me around sometimes. I felt like it was all a wasted effort because you didn't care that I came to see you. That it'd be weird if I told you I liked you because I didn't know if you still liked me. I guess I always just counted on their being a good day to tell you. I put it off for too long. I'm sorry, Cas."

Cas shook his head. Dean was being truly honest with him now. Things did make more sense. He didn't like what he said about the late nights and talks with Benny, but he sounded so sincere. Maybe Benny liked Dean, but Dean didn't reciprocate. Maybe everything was okay... He nodded slowly, and pressed his lips to Dean. "I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry I'm such a dead-beat, and I'm sorry I never listen. I'm sorry your dad's so cruel and closed-minded, and I'm sorry I never realized how much you cared. It's sweet of you to want to protect me and my family." He whispered the last part, kissing him again soon after.

"Cas..." Dean said, pulling gently at his hoodie sleeves. "You look good in my clothes. Don't get me wrong. But, will you please tell me why you wear long sleeves in the middle of summer when your AC barely works?" He asked. "Or maybe why you were in the shower, but didn't come out smelling like after shave and old spice like usual?" They both knew he didn't want the answer.

Dean just... sort of felt like they were already talking about sad stuff, so maybe it wouldn't be as depressing since they were already both sort of upset. It fit, rather than Dean being super excited about a football game with Bal and Gabe and Michael and Cas siiting down on the floor between them all and saying "I want to die" in the middle of their touch down dance and prance.

Cas shook his head, pulling his arms away. He shook his head again and hugged Dean, under his arms. "I don't wanna talk about it." He muttered after a while. "'Don't wanna-" He sniffled and hid his face in Dean's neck. "'Don't wanna talk about it." He sounded like a pouting child.

Dean had finally come clean, and everything turned out okay didn't want him to know that he hurt himself twice a week lately, usually right after Dean left. More often than that sometimes, though, if he got bored (because when he got bored, he got sad).

He didn't want Dean to worry. Or Michael to give up on him. Or Gabe and Bal to feel bad about not checking on him. Or Benny to feel like he had a chance with Dean because he had to go to the hospital. He didn't miss the bright lights and straight-out-of-college doctors that gave him such generic advice that he wanted to puke. Their words were like the chewed up bits of the stale bread platelet his mom used to make him eat in church even though it tasted like carpet cleaner: awkward and annoying when they wouldn't disappear.