A/N: Here it is: minor f-bomb warning but only the one.
"No, cos y'know, words...right?...have never been my medium. That's your arena. I operate in the physicality of truth. No real guesswork; it's all laid out, there for the readin'. But for this," he said, indicating the general space between them. "For this conversation, I need to be in your arena."
[and just like that, the first brick tumbled out of the wall. it was easier than he had expected. maybe he could do this after all.]
"I really wish you could just read it on my face." He raised his eyebrows slightly, looking at her hopefully with an open gaze. She hated to disappoint him, but…
"You don't let anyone read you."
"I let you," he countered. "Sometimes. And Emily."
He sighed in resignation, not bothering to hide his frustration. His eyes closed, and his chest expanded with a deep breath, his brow furrowed in concentration. She could see something on his face; something was going on with him, a battle inside his own mind perhaps. He had demons enough, to be sure. She had seen Cal wrestle with them on a regular basis.
Slowly, Cal's eyes opened and refocused on Gillian. Not photograph-Gill, but the real flesh-and-blood love of his life. He was just sitting there silently staring at her, his eyes boring into her as though he was trying to see directly into her soul.
[another brick falls]
[and another]
With his finger, he made a circle motion in front of his face. "What d'ya see? Right now, eh?" He looked pained.
"Fear," she replied carefully. "You're afraid of something." She looked at him, concerned yet curious.
He nodded slowly. "Not just afraid, luv. Terrified. I am absolutely terrified right now. In fact, I don't think it's any stretch at all to say that I've never in my entire life felt this afraid. And that's really saying somethin'."
"What has you so afraid, Cal? What's wrong?" Gillian couldn't help herself. She reached out and touched his upper arm in what she meant to be a comforting, calming gesture. Instead, Cal tensed, and his eyes darted around the room as though he was looking for an escape hatch. Maybe he was.
"Nothing. Nothing's 'wrong'. 'Least, I hope..." He suddenly changed tack. "Emily cornered me. Metaphorically speaking. On my sofa. I'm the gambler, but a little, teenage girl called my bluff." He breathed a soft laugh through his nose and spoke quietly. "She asked me what I'm waiting for." He paused then, staring fixedly beyond some corner of the room. "And, see, the thing is, I didn't know the answer."
"Waiting for..?" Gillian asked with a faint smile and a small shake of her head.
[another brick falls]
Cal waved again at his face, expression strained. "You can't see anythin' else?"
She shook her head apologetically. "Just fear. You're too guarded for me to see anything else."
Cal sighed. "I'm trying, luv. I really am. It's like, I've spent such a long time reinforcing this wall, that now I'm having a hard time deconstructing it...to let you in."
She took his fidgeting hands in her smaller ones. "You've never needed to protect yourself from me, Cal. Not from me. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, I do. I know that, darlin'. I do know that. But old habits die hard, and I have been hiding for a very, very long time, haven't I? I mean, I had to. And it wasn't to protect myself. Well, no. Ok, it was. A bit, yeah? But mainly…mainly I was trying to protect you. From me. From being ruined by me." His voice had gone unimaginably soft, as though he barely had enough breath to push out the words.
[another brick]
"Cal..." she began.
"Nah, luv. You gotta let me get through this, now I've started. Cos if I stop now, I dunno I can ever get this out. And it needs to be said. Shoulda been said a long time ago, but...here we are."
Gillian nodded. "Ok."
He stared down at their twined hands, idly stroking the soft spot between her thumb and index finger. When he lifted his eyes to hers again, his question was clear in them; but he knew the answer before he asked. Yet he asked anyway.
"You...can't see it yet?" He stared into her eyes intently. He was almost willing her to see it, whatever it was he was struggling to show her, because words had always failed him. Still, he kept trying.
Gillian opened her mouth, and there was a slight pause; but she just shook her head in unspoken apology again and sighed. She knew he wanted her to read him, to read what he was trying to say, what he was feeling. But she isn't as good at that as he is. Words are her specialty.
Cal nodded resignedly. "I know you don't see it yet, but it's there. I promise you, it's there. Been there from the start, really." He chewed at the corner of his mouth, the way he does when he's really thinking hard, really searching for the right words. "I wanna get this right, Gill." He graced her with an uncharacteristically nervous smile. "Cos, see, I know...I know I'm only getting one shot...to get this right." His hand left hers momentarily for one finger to scratch distractedly at the corner of his eye, and he exhaled forcefully, looking aside. "I can't afford to bollocks this one up. Cos that's what I do, innit? I fuck things up. Taint whatever's good in my life. And I cannot afford to have that happen here. Not this time. Not with so much at stake."
His hand returned to hers, threading their fingers more tightly than before.
[another brick]
"Help me understand. What's at stake, Cal?" Gillian pleaded gently.
"This," he responded. "Us. This thing we've got going. It's good, Gill; I mean, it's damn good. Easily one of the two best things that's ever happened to me, Em being the first." Hungry eyes searched hers, keen and piercing. "You're my best friend, and I love you; you know that. There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you..."
[another brick]
"And I know I haven't always demonstrated that in the best possible way, haven't always been the kind of friend you deserve. But that's the fear," he confessed, raising his eyebrows. "Cos we're close, yeah? You and me, we're solid, we're tight. But you've always been my blind spot, and if we keep getting closer, that wall I'm fighting so bloody hard to hold up? It starts to get heavy and a lot harder to keep in place."
[another brick]
"So why not let it go?" Gillian dared to ask.
"Well, that's the million dollar question, luv," he answered with a soft smirk. "Trust you and Em to boil it all down and make me go looking for the answer. Cos you well know how I am when I'm chasing down an answer. You, of all people, Gillian, know that."
Gillian nodded. "Relentless. Driven. Passionate."
Cal acknowledged that with a slight tip of his head and chewed again at the corner of his mouth. "Yeah," he whispered distractedly. "Yeah." His eyes drifted back and locked onto hers. Locked on and held on for dear life.
[another brick]
There was just a slight widening of her eyes, maybe 1/15th of a second, a flash of something. Surprise.
Seeing this, he nodded encouragingly.
"Starting to come into focus, yeah? But we're not quite there, are we? Not quite. I never meant to... I didn't wanna keep you out, Gill."
"Then why did you?"
"Had to. Had to, luv. I keep everyone out. Safer that way."
"For you or for everyone else?" she pressed.
"Bit of both, really," he replied honestly.
"You let Emily in." It wasn't an accusation, simply a statement of fact. "Not for everything, but for the most part."
"That's true," he conceded.
"So, how did she get in, behind that wall of yours?" Gillian asked.
"Well, I carried her in, didn't I? Day she was born. The moment they put her into my arms, and I looked into those great, big eyes of hers. Total innocence. Entirely without guile. Trusting. And I was hooked. She needed me, and so I carried her right inside without a second thought, right straight into my heart. That's why, to this day, she can get to me like no one else. As it should be," He allowed a small half smile. "It's why she was able to corner me, and I never saw it coming. I am trying, Gillian. To bring you in."
Then Gillian looked straight at him, looked him dead in the eye and said the words he would never forget, could never forget even if he forgot everything else he ever knew:
"You lead. I'll follow."
[another brick ...and then another ...and another]
[then a whole, big section of his wall, crumbling into so much dust]
It was only four words. Four little words. But apparently, they had been the right words to say.
A/N: One last chapter to go! Thanks for reading.