11 Eve Of Victory
She's leaving tomorrow to go spend Christmas with her family in Pittsburgh. I agree to stop in from time to time to check on the bookshop. A, 'Closed 'til after the New Year', sign is already hanging on the front door.
I'm in a crappy mood. This will be the first time we'll be apart for so long. I'm slouching on a stool at the bar as she finishes mixing the contents in the bowl. I love watching her. Measuring the flour and sugar, plopping in small chunks of butter. She mixes it with her hands. The forming dough pushes through her fingers. She looks so happy. She goes to the sink and rinses off her hands. She's wearin' that frickin' tank top again…and those damn painted jeans. What a view. She turns back around and catches me staring at her. I stiffen up and she smiles. I clear my throat to speak and point at the bowl. "That looks really good, and it ain't even baked yet."
She tilts her head and looks down at the mixture, "Would you like a taste?" She scoops up a small lump of the cookie dough with her finger and holds it up to my lips. I suddenly tense up. I look at her as I open my mouth and allow her to rub the sugary goodness onto my tongue. At the last moment I press down around the tip of her finger and she slowly slides it out. "How is it?" She whispers.
"Very delicious." I swallow.
She smirks and the pushes the container of raw mixture between us. "Now do me."
My leg is shaking underneath the bar as I dip my finger into her bowl and retrieve a bit of the sweetness. She spreads her lips apart, beckoning me to enter. My whole hand trembles. As I am about to submerge my thick finger into her warm wetness time seems to stop… I know that if I go any further, I ain't coming back. I'll want more of her. And I'll end up taking all of her.
I snap back to reality and decide to smear my finger onto her nose. She yelps, "Raph, you jerk-aholic!"
Thank God! I smile. But then my relief fades as she turns toward the sink, and silently runs the water to wipe her face. Is she disappointed? Oh please Amber, just laugh it off. I'm not that strong!
As she turns off the faucet, I'm already standing close behind her. I place my hands on her shoulders and slowly move down her arms. I bury my face into her soft twists of hair. It smells so good. I speak softly into her ear. "I'm gonna miss you." I feel her shiver and I then I can't help myself. I move my hands lower and rest them on her hips, my thumbs rubbing the bottom of her spine. I brush my lips against her neck and she gasps. I turn her around to face me. I lean down and press my forehead against hers. This is it. It's gonna be hard takin' my time. I'm so thirsty for her.
Then her cell rings. It rings and buzzes. It buzzes itself off the side of the counter, hits the floor and slides over to our feet.
It's her mom.
I let out a big breath of air and release her. She bends down to pick up her phone and answers. I go into the living room and fall into the couch. What. The. Hell! I feel relieved and frustrated at the same time. I should just run back in there, toss her phone down the drain and rip her shirt off… I'll just sit here and get a hold of myself.
"Yes, Mom, everything's good here and you… uh huh… everyone's there now? …Yes, Of course I'm bringing some. I'm just about put them in the oven now… What? No, I'm fine really. Just a little…hot, y'know, just getting busy in the kitchen. Keeping busy, you know what I mean?"
I know what you mean!
"Anyway, I'll be on the first plane tomorrow morning… Yes, yes I know… What? It's been warm and rainy in Pittsburgh all week? Well, that's typical… The weather here? We had a blizzard last night. We got two feet and it's freezing… what? Really? Really! Mom, you don't have to…. Well, it's a long drive and I don't have much furniture… yes,… yes… yes I guess so. Sleeping bags will be fine. Ok…Ok.. I know. Wow, Mom! I'm so happy! I will… Ok. Bye-bye love you, see you soon!"
I hear her walk into the living room. I sit up to make room for her but she goes past the couch to sit in her recliner. It's probably a good idea right now. I would have tackled her if she got too close.
"Well, since it's raining in Pittsburgh for Christmas this year, and my little niece and nephews have never seen snow before, my brother thought it would be a fantastic idea to rent a huge van and drive the whole family here to spend the holiday with me." She says.
I look over at her and her smile can't get any bigger. "I guess we got a lotta work to do now." I say.
"We?" she says.
"Well, yeah. You hafta go out and get a tree and decorations and food. I'm sure you'll love doing that. And I'll stay here and straighten up, fix up and dust off some of the guest rooms up stairs. I can bake to cookies if you tell me how long they take."
"You'd do all that?"
"Sure, why not? You ain't leavin' anymore so you don't need me to watch the shop for you. I might as well do somethin'. Think of it as an early Christmas gift."
"Thank you, Raphael. I totally owe you. And you're right! I have a lot to do." She jumps up, throws her apron off and runs to the closet, snatching her coat and boots. She grabs her purse and yells out the temperature and time for her cookies. She says she'll be back soon. She is really excited. And I need a minute to myself.
…
I ain't no Susie homemaker but I think I do a pretty good job. There is enough furniture on the upper unused floors to move around and fix up two of the extra bedrooms. All that dust nearly killed me. I didn't burn all the cookies. I did a test run with six cookies first. Those are burnt. The vacuum is put away, the counters are wiped clean and the ipod is singin' 'Jingle Bells'.
Amber arrives two hours later. She calls up to me from the bottom of the shop stairs. I help her carry the bags up. She puts the food away as I set up the three-foot plastic tree and lay out the decorations. We work quietly and happily. It feels so natural. It doesn't just feel like Christmas. It feels like our first Christmas. She finishes prepping the turkey and packs it in the fridge. She comes into the living room with two mugs of hot cider. It's not liquor but it's still tasty. We decorate the small tree with white lights, a long string of pearls, gold tinsel and red glass globes. She grins at me as she unwraps the final ornament; a wooden turtle painted white. My stomach tightens up. Where the hell did she find a turtle tree topper? She hands it to me and I attach it to the highest branch. After we wrap her family's gifts and place them under the side table where the tree sits, we lounge on the couch and sit in the warm glow. I would give anything to stay like this with her.
It's now officially Christmas Eve. I gather my things and she walks me down to the basement. I slowly start to head down the ladder and she stops me.
"Raph, I hope you already know… how much I appreciate everything you did today." I nod. "I don't want you to go. But we both understand why you can't stay."
I wanted to say that I would stay all night if she asked me to. I'm too afraid to say this. I don't trust that I would be able to control myself anyway.
"You… and your family, are now just as important to me and my own." she says.
"I know Splinter and the rest feel the same about you." I say.
"I may not see you 'til after New Years. I don't know how long my mom and the rest will be in town. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas… and give you this." She holds out a small red, shiny bag. I come back up from the ladder and take it.
"Can I open it now?"
"Sure, if you want."
I smile and open the bag. I pull out a flat white box. I open the box. Inside is a black, stainless steel bracelet. It's inscribed:
For Raphael. Always, Amber.
"Amber… It's amazin'. But I didn't, and I can't…"
"Raph, you don't give a gift just to get one back. You are the most incredible person I've ever met. And I get to have you as a friend, my best friend… so I don't need anything else", she says as she takes the bracelet and clasps it around my right wrist. It's heavy and durable.
"Then tell me you want?"
"What I want?" She looks up at me. We stand there in the dim light. Her hands are still holding my wrist. I take my left hand touch her chin. Her lips are parted and my heart is racing. What if I'm reading her wrong? What if she turns away? I am a coward. I turn her face away from me and lightly kiss her cheek.
"Merry Christmas, Amber."
I release myself from her hands and leave down the ladder. I don't know if she looks down after me. I hear the heavy lid clank shut.
…
I take my time getting home. I stumble in at two am. I walk toward my room but see Master Splinter in the kitchen making tea. I go in and sit down beside him. He knows me so well. He knows my mind is a bunch of tangled questions. He pours me a cup and we sip in silence for a while.
"That is a very nice gift she has given you." He looks down at my shiny black bracelet.
"Yeah, I know but, how do I return… what do I do when I want to give her everything? How can I tell her how she makes me feel? I'm scared, Sensei. I know she likes me for who I am, but I don't want to push her away because of what I am. I feel like I'm about to explode! There are so many things I want to say, but every time my words get stuck and I feel stupid. I'm a coward. Why was I made like this? Why do I feel these things if… if I can never…" I put my head in my hands. My father places his paw on my shoulder.
"My son, as much as it pains me to see you in such angst, I am at the same time, overjoyed that you are finally experiencing these emotions that you have locked up inside for far too long. You are a man of great passion and strong will. You have no problem showing how you feel when angered. But now, I see Amber has the power to gently snuff out your rage, and because of this, you find yourself without a strategy. You are starting to understand the battle of conflict waging within you because of her. I dare say, she is your strongest opponent, and your only weakness is that you have become blind to your self-worth. Begin to see yourself as she sees you and you will be victorious."
He gets up from his seat and walks toward his room. He turns once more to face me and holds up the small journal he's been keeping, "I suggest if you want to reach her heart, perhaps try speaking her language… Goodnight my son, and Merry Christmas." He leaves.
I sigh and finish my tea. I then go to Donnie's lab, take a pen and a tablet of paper and head to my room. I stay up 'til dawn and chase down my victory.