13 Real Life

I get home and head straight into the dojo. I go crazy. I don't remember snapping all the sparring rods in half. I don't remember throwing the wooden rack of weapons through the thin sheet of the door. I don't remember tossing dumbbells and pinning them into the wall. I don't remember ripping the punching back into confetti and I don't remember getting that cut down my leg. I don't know how long it took for my brothers to restraint me, or how long it took to I finally allow myself to cry hard into my father's shoulder. Does he understand me when I finally speak, that she was leaving and never coming back? I don't remember how many days I slept, but I do remember waking up and finding nothing has changed.

I join my brothers in cleaning up the damage I had done in the dojo. I'm ashamed at the animal still inside me. I thought I had killed it years ago. They don't hold it against me. And I know they're hurting too. I help Donnie set up the weapons rack when my phone rings… I look at Donnie and he looks back. I hold up my phone, and then I silence it and go back to work.

Then his phone starts to chirp. He holds his up and looks at the caller ID. He looks at me and silences it. He picks up a screwdriver and starts to secure one of the shelves.

A minute later Leo's starts to buzz. He's on the other side of the dojo sweeping the crumbling wall from the floor. He looks at me and does the same thing with his phone, placing it back in his belt.

Later Mikey walks in through the broken dojo door. He holds up his cell and looks at me, "It's Amber…" he says.

I sigh and nod my head. He answers, "Hello..? Hey it's good hear you're ok…You're back?...Oh, how long?... I don't know. I'd have to ask him… Here? I don't think… uh huh… alright. Ok Amber. Bye." He looks over at me. "She's in town and wants to see us. She wants me to bring her here tonight."

I head out the dojo and press pass Mikey, "Raph, I'm sorry I…"

"No Bro, it's ok." I say, "You guys go ahead and say your goodbyes. I just don't want to be here." And I leave.

…

Me and my brothers come back to the old turtle lair where we grew up from time to time. It's much smaller than I remember. I open an old wooden closet and take out some emergency supplies we stored there: a sleeping bag, some candles, a bottled water and a candy bar. I settle in and plug my headphones into my cell. The music blasts away the eerie silence. I finish my chocolate and down my water and lie back.

I'm such an idiot. All this is my fault. I've cause so much pain to my family. If I would have just left her alone, or not gone back, or went up that ladder, or got mad at Donnie, or ever been born… how for do I gotta go back to fix this? I should I have done something more. I should have told her how I felt. I shouldn't have been such a coward. I should have held onto her and kissed and told her everything I was feelin'. I wonder if that would have changed anything, or if I'd just be feelin' much worse right now. I start to doze off. I guess it is easy to run away. I can go back home anytime, but I don't want to go right now.

…

I get back in at nine am. I look over toward the living area and see Mikey, Donnie and Leo sitting on the couches. Master Splinter is in his chair. I nod at them and head toward my room. I guess she came and went, or maybe didn't even come at all.

"Is he here? Raph?" I hear her voice. I turn back and see her sit up from behind the cushions of the couch. My stomach cramps up. She gets up and walks over to me. She looks so different. Her face is done up like some super model and her hair is bone straight, flowing well beyond her shoulders. She doesn't look like herself but like some shiny copy. I don't like it. I thought I would be angry facing her but all I feel is strange.

"I stayed here all night waiting for you.", she says.

"Oh. All night? And how did that make you feel? Waitin' what, oh twelve hours for me? Try a whole month and then get back to me."

"I would have waited longer. I didn't want to go without seeing you."

I'm exhausted with this, "Well you got what you wanted. Here I am. Now what?"

"Raph, I hope you know that I didn't mean to hurt you. And I hope you understand why I have to do this."

"I don't understand. I don't know why you have to go back and I don't know why you're running away."

From me.

"I'm not running away. I'm finally going home! I should have never left Pittsburgh. Coming here was just me being adventurous and rebellious. I had a job lined up for me right out of college. I could have been an online journalist for the newspaper there. I should have stayed with my mom and held on to the few friends I had there but, I wasn't thinking long-term. If I would have stayed, I wouldn't have missed our last Thanksgiving, and they never would have been on that stretch of road to be here with me for Christmas. I should have followed my own dreams instead of pursuing my uncle's."

I know it's a selfish thought but it hurts me when she keeps referring to Pittsburgh as home. What about New York? What about Brooklyn? What about the bookstore? What about me? I want her to be happy and do what's best, but I'm afraid that would hurt me the most.

"Amber, I know you probably been blaming yourself everyday for what happened, but you shouldn't. But what you're doing now, it's… it's not fair, Amber. Some time ago you ask me not to back away from you. And now you're tell me that you're backin' away from me forever?"

I don't fuckin' care how desperate it sounds. I am desperate. "Amber please! Ya know none of us can't do nothin' about the past. All we can do is move forward. Can't you move forward…with us?"

She stands there and starts to cry. None of my family moves to comfort her. They are all looking at me from the living area. I'm not moving either. I'm scared to say or do anything that might make her run out my door.

"Raph, I didn't want to make this harder than it already is. Now, please. Come here and just say goodbye to me." She opens her arms to me.

Now I am angry.

"No." I say.

"What?"

"I said no. I'm not gonna hug your or give you a friendly handshake and make like what you're doing is ok."

She steps closer, "C'mon Raph…"

"NO! I ain't gonna help you feel better for makin' this choice! And I sure as hell ain't gonna give you the satisfaction of pattin' me on the back when all you did was stab me in the fuckin' heart!" She looks hurt. But I don't care. I'm hurting too. "Amber, you didn't call me or return my calls. You stopped texting me. Did you know I was in your home when those people came in looking to sell it? You were just gonna skip out on us. You were gonna pour cement over the manhole cover and forget all about us! You were too wrapped up in your own feelins' that you didn't think about mine. You are the coward. You made all these moves and decisions without tellin' me. So you can keep your hug and your bullshit goodbyes. You wanna leave like this? You remember it like this!" I turn and walk toward my room but she grabs arm and I snatch it away. She screams my name and I turn around.

"Don't you understand? I lost my entire family! I'm the only one left. It's just me!"

"Then why are you willing to go back there and be all alone? We are here! We are you family too! You said so yourself! And now, we're all you have left!"

"You're not enough!"

There it is. The thing I've been most afraid of. What was I really asking her to do? To forget where she came from? To live a secret life with me? To love me and never be able to marry me? To never be able to give her normal children or a normal life? I am not enough. I never was. No matter how hard I try I can't change the world. My knees sting as I hit the floor. I look up at her, pleading for her to take it back, but I know she won't.

"I, I can't loose the family home. I can't loose everything my mother worked so hard to give us. And I can't forget my roots. New York is fantasy world I got lost in. And as far as anyone else is concerned, you're just a fictional character."

"Amber..." I whimper. Not being real to her is much worse than being a freak.

"More than half of me wants to stay. But I have to do what's right and finally take hold of my responsibilities. In the end, it doesn't matter if I was happy. All that matters is if I'd done the right thing." She turns to leave. "I know my own way back. I'll never forget you. And I'll never tell anyone about you."

She's gone.