14 The Thawing

Everyday at least one of my brothers comes in to check up on me. They bring me food or just sit by my bed. Even April and Casey stop by one day. She kisses on my forehead. One day Mikey visits m, he tells me I smell bad so I go take a shower. I come back to my room and some one has changed my sheets and left me a sandwich. The only person I had not seen all week was Master Splinter. I go to his door and knock. He invites me in.

I kneel and bow before him respectfully. I don't say anything. I figure he knows all my questions anyway. I wait for him to speak.

"I was only a pet rat when my family was taken away from me. The only thing I felt when I escaped from the burning house was my instinct to survive. It was not until I was mutated could I recollect all that had happened. I realized how much I had lost and was very mournful. The only thing that kept my mind from unraveling was that I had to stay strong for my new sons." He gets up slowly and kneels in front of me, placing his hands over mine. "She was afraid of loosing everything she had ever known. Now she is trying to survive the hurt and dispare that fate poured over her without reservation. We always get to say hello to everyone we meet in this life. We rarely get to say goodbye. Amber did not get the chance to say goodbye to her family. Will you deny her the chance to have a peaceful parting with you?"

My tears cover his hands. I look up at him. "No, Father."

"Then I suggest you go see her soon. She is leaving tomorrow." I hug him and get up to leave. He calls to me. "And Raphael, when you see her, tell her everything and leave nothing for regret."

…

Never thought I would find myself here again. The basement is completely empty except for the bags of dry concrete mix in the corner. I take a deep breath, push the white button and wait. Moments later the large metal door creeps open and I see Amber. I'm a little relieved. All the makeup is gone and her hair is normal and curly again. It's held back with a clip, still a little damp from the shower. I smell the fresh soap all over her. She's wearing a tank top and baggy sweatpants. She smiles a bit and steps aside to let me in. The bookstore is dark. There is a 'Closed until further notice' sign in the window. We head upstairs. The furniture is still there but her books and ipod and dishes are packed away, I assume, in the many boxes in the dining room. We sit on the couch. I see a carton of half-eating Chinese food and her laptop open on the coffee table. There is a movie paused on the screen.

"Raphael, thank you for coming. I know you didn't have to. I want you to know that I'm very, very sorry for what I said. No matter how upset I was, I should have never diminished your validity in my life. You were the only one keeping me together when all this happened. When I look back on what you've done for me, I will always remember that I would not have survived without you. I will carry you and your family and all the memories with me wherever I go. I will never forget you. And everyone I meet will know you through me."

I look at her. At first all I can do is nod. What am I doing? There ain't no more time to waste! I'm already loosing her. Just go for it, even if you sound pathetic. At least you did something!

"Amber I'm sorry… for a ton of things. I'm sorry I got so angry and I'm sorry for not thinkin' things through with you." I move close to her and put her hands into mine. I take a deep breath. Here we go. "Whenever I'm around you I have all these thoughts running through my mind like a cat on crack." Her eyes get wide. I shake my head quickly. "See, I don't know how to put into words sometimes how I feel and it frustrates the hell outta me because you deserve to know everything. And I always thought my actions would creep the hell outta you so there are a lot of times where I just gave up. I never asked you how you felt about me 'cause I was scared. But now I'm gonna tell you exactly how I feel about you, Amber."

I drop her hands and stand up. I pull out a folded piece of paper from my belt and calm myself. "This was your Christmas present. I couldn't give it to you before so now seems the only time I have left.

I pause:

She is the breath of life, like a baby's first.

She is a deep blue lake, like I'll never thirst.

She is a soft voice, like all love songs.

She is the energy, like making me strong.

She is a big smile, like my bad mood killer.

She is the Lenore, like my Poe, Raven thriller.

She is a warm touch, like cooling the sun.

She is the final part that makes me one.

Amber puts her head in her hands and sits there silently. This is not what I expected. I wait but she doesn't move. I then see her shake a little and she's sniffling, still no words.

I've never felt so vulnerable before. I feel like I'm standing in front of her with no shell on. The silence is hurting my ears. Why won't she say anything? I just want to throw my paper on the floor, run to the sewers and never look back. But she's the one saying goodbye. I will never see her again. I can't have that. I feel so desperate now, like air and water don't matter without her. I don't have anything left. Without her, I don't see a tomorrow. I don't even want one without her.

"Raphael?" She finally speaks. I tense up. She slides her hands down from her face. Her big brown eyes spilling tears. "I don't' know what to say…"

"It's ok. I think I understand…" my voice hardly above a whisper.

"Do you?" She gets up and stands in front of me. She takes me by one hand, " Raph, what you did, what you said… I can't put into words how you make me feel."

We stare at each other. I take her other hand. I wait for her to continue. I have so much fear right now. I don't know how this will end. I can't just stay silent anymore. I have to just say it. "Amber, please don't leave me. If you leave me…I won't have a home." I break. "Amber, I…" My vision is blurry. She pulls me close.

"Raphael. I won't leave. I want you in my life…and I will never leave you. I don't care about what I might lose to have you. If I get to be with you, I'll have everything I want."

She presses her full lips lightly onto mine. A miracle is happening. Amber makes the entire world disappear. That one warm act of love hits me to the core. I kiss her back firmly and wrap my arms around her. All that exists now is this kiss, is her and me…us.

…

For it being the end of February it's really warm outside. Spring it on its way, the snow is melting. the sunshine is so bright, and the big sky has never been so blue. Jeeze I sound like a spaz. I guess that's ok for today.

We all stand together around a simple stone garden in the corner of Amber's roof patio. We listen somberly as she speaks. "My Sister Gina, her husband Thomas, their sons, my nephews Tye and Robert. My Brother Justin, his wife Monique, their daughter, my niece Y'anna. My Uncle Brian and My Mother…Ruth. I want to finally introduce you to my new family, my brother and sister Casey and April Jones, the Hamatos, my brothers, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, my Uncle Splinter and my Raphael. It has been a year since my Uncle Bubba died. I think it is fitting to change this day of mourning into something we can celebrate. This time last year I was aimlessly roaming to find my place…now I know I am home."

We each light a match and light a candle for our family that has passed away. Splinter lights the one for Uncle Bubba and Amber lights the three for her siblings and mother. We all stand silently for a while then take a pillowed seat around the large short table and eat hot soup and sip tea and coffee. We sit and talk until evening. Everyone goes inside to get warm and ready for bed. Amber and I stay up there 'til all the candles go out. She climbs up in my lap and lays her head on my shoulder. We sit quietly and watch the final candle snuff out. It's late. I'm sure everyone else has been asleep for a while The moon is rising slowly in the sky.

"The sale of my Mother's house should be finalized in a couple of days.", she says.

"Were you able to get everything from the house that you wanted, or do you have to make another trip?"

"The only things I wanted were the family albums, some heirloom jewelry and my mother's letters. I took them back with me from the first time I left. The rest will be sold at auction or donated to the church my mother attended."

"Are ya really ok with letting all that go?"

She looks up at me and smiles, "Yes I am. I knew it would be hard, but it wasn't as hard as I thought. You helped me with that." I smile back.

"How long do you think it will take to have the new one-sided windows installed on all these floors?" I ask.

"They should be done next week and then you guys can finally move in."

"Can't wait." We'll always have our sewer den but I'ts gonna be nice callin' this place home. There's so much room. I'm glad she's willin' to share this with us. I'm happy for Master Splinter the most. I'm glad he can have fresh air and sunlight in his old age… I wonder when there will be a candle for him. I hope it's not for a long, long time. I shiver.

"Maybe we should go inside." She says. We stand and walk towards the door. She stops and turns to me and kisses me. Her full lips light something deep inside me and I pull her close. When she moans into my mouth I almost snap. I don't want to lose control. At least, not yet. But then Amber pulls away slightly and licks my bottom lip. I'm on fire. I force her hips close to me and bury my face into her neck, sucking and tasting her feverishly. She's so sweet. She leans back and gasps, cupping my face with her soft hands. I growl. She calls out my name. I've lost it. I slip her sweater from her shoulders and trace her collar bone with my tongue. Yes, keep saying my name! If I can just reach one of her round ample breasts, it's curtains! Just then a chilly wind hits us and she stops my pursuit.

"Wait." She pants. I breathe heavily, pulling her away but not letting go. I must be moving too fast for her. But damn it, she started it! Then I look into her big brown eyes and I know she wants this too. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small folded piece of paper. "Before anything else happens Raph, I want you to have this. It's my feelings. The types of feelings I was too afraid to tell you about because I thought you'd back away from me. I've held onto this for a while but I think it's time to stop holding back." She places the gift into my hands and runs down the steps.

I'm all alone on the roof and in a daze. I guess she wants me to read it now.

'10-9-10

It's getting harder and harder for me to ignore that Raphael is not just my friend, he's also a guy. The guy I've been spending more and more time with… alone. And it's becoming easier and easier for me to take advantage of that fact. Why am I testing the boundaries? And why do I want that kind of attention from him? I show more skin than I usually do and I find myself making excuses to touch him. This sick thought keeps running through my mind; What if he suddenly attacks me? What if he grabs hold of my body and bites the flesh of my neck? What if his instincts take over and I allow him to do whatever he wants to me? I find myself staring at him and feel myself getting hot. I wonder what he's workin' with. I wonder if I can handle it. O my God! I'm starting to get too raunchy, even for myself! I try to get a hold of myself when all I want is for him to take hold of me! CALM DOWN! I'm pretty sure he's never been with a woman, but I'd never ask him! And I've never gone all the way either… No one has ever sparked my desire like he does. I wonder what my life would be like, to never share a bed with man and only make love to him. I wonder how possible it could be. I would be so ashamed if he could read my thoughts! I sometimes get anxious, hoping I don't give off some strange vibe he can pick up. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, there's still something gnawing at me to let him know how sexy I think he is. I'm not stupid though. I'm not going to do anything else that would jeopardize our friendship. I'll keep these feelings to myself, for now. Still, one day, I won't be able to control myself and I'm going to ask him, "Raphael, what turns you on?"'

Hmm… I dash down the three flights of steps and find her standing in her bedroom doorway. She is NOT wearing that big long shirt. I pick her up hungrily, carry her inside, my lips touching hers, "You do." I say.

I slam the door shut behind me. And the rest is history.

-The End

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