Chapter 12: Wounded Heart

Byakuya rolled over and found himself alone in bed. Instinctively, he tried to search out the redhead's reiatsu, but was quickly reminded that he could not sense reiatsu. Sighing, he stretched and climbed out of bed, slipping into his clothes and making his way down the hallway and down the stairs. He was surprised to find that Renji was not in the kitchen or any of the other rooms. He walked to the large balcony that overlooked the beach and as he stepped outside, he heard the sounds of fighting.

Renji stood in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, squared off against a similarly clad Ichigo. The two flash stepped at each other, slashing and blocking, moving so fast, they became a blur. He watched as they spun and crashed into each other, pulled away and turned to slash at each other again. He felt an odd feeling pass through him.

It wasn't like there was anything wrong with what he was looking at. It was perfectly normal, he told himself, for two young shinigamis to be up early and out on the sand, working their bodies and honing their fighting skills. He probably should be training as well, especially since his human body needed the exercise. He needed to build up its strength. But standing there looking at the two shinigamis, the thought of being out there, moving slower than the slowest of the shinigamis, striking with human strength and having Renji going easy on him so as not to damage him…left him feeling less than enthusiastic.

Then there was the issue of Ichigo's presence. As much as he had come to appreciate the boy's abilities, what he couldn't stomach was his attitude. He was brash and stubborn…did what he wanted to regardless of what he was told. And Ichigo had bent his pride severely. It had, of course been both necessary and the right thing to do…but…as he watched the way the two young men locked their bodies against each other, how their eyes held each other and how much enjoyment they were getting out of the exchange, he felt a harsh burning inside. He swallowed hard and looked away.

Then he heard a lot of splashing and…laughter.

They were in the water up to their knees, still locked in fighting position and flash stepping madly. Renji had obviously improved in his speed and Ichigo was as brutally swift as always. Renji spun around Ichigo, slashing and howling…and Ichigo calmly stuck out a leg and tripped him. The move itself was both innocuous and well executed. But as Byakuya watched Renji crash down into the water, watched the spray flying in all directions and heard the laughter, the feeling of fire under his skin increased.

If he wasn't weak, if he wasn't powerless, he would have flash stepped out and told the two to end the noisy and disturbing display, but something told him that his presence wouldn't have the necessary effect now.

So he stood watching.

He watched the two roll around in the water, wrestling for dominance. He watched them giggle like schoolgirls and splash water in each other's faces. They were very obviously enjoying the exchange.

And Byakuya felt himself suddenly trembling with rage. But even out and out rage didn't have the same effect now. The fiery glare in the deep gray eyes had no flare of power behind it. He didn't feel the force building beneath his anger or the reiatsu spinning and gaining velocity. And as the fury grew, his body couldn't seem to contain it. It built up and pushed against his mind until it started to seep from him. It made his brow furrow deeply, his limbs shake, and his stomach clench as tightly as his fists. All of a sudden, he couldn't stand the sight of Ichigo rolling around on the sand, in the water with his lover anymore. But he wasn't going to be able to stop them. If he moved, dropped down onto the beach and told them to stop, he could almost hear Ichigo laugh at him.

Because he was ridiculously weak…and how could he stop them? What force was there behind the anger? He couldn't do anything. His eyes closed against the burn of restrained tears and his breath hitched.

He turned back toward the house, intending to go inside, but as he turned, he opened his eyes and caught sight of his reflection. He swallowed hard and stared. His feelings were clearly displayed on his face and in his body language. His eyes flared with disgust, his muscles tightened and his lower lip trembled. He realized suddenly that he looked like a child about to explode into a temper tantrum.

It was the most humiliating thing, standing there staring at himself, not able to hold back the emotion, not able to hide it…and too weak to act on it. It was one of the worst feelings he had ever experienced.

Then Ichigo's laugh sounded…burst through his tormented mind, ignited the swell of emotion and made him descend into something that felt like madness. His body moved instinctively…but the instincts weren't human. They were shinigami. He was up on the railing in a heartbeat, then he lost his balance and he was falling. He realized immediately the stupidity of what was happening, but it was done and he couldn't stop it. He closed his eyes and waited for the pain of impact.

Instead, he heard a gasp, the hiss of a flash step, and suddenly, he was caught in midair and carried down the rest of the way to the beach. And it was not Renji who held him.

It was Ichigo.

He was staring into what Byakuya imagined was an extremely hateful expression and smiling.

"Hey," he said, not unkindly, "did you forget for a moment? What were you thinking? You can't just jump off of things like that! You could have broken a leg or something."

"Release me immediately!" Byakuya snapped.

Ichigo set him down and stepped back. The look in his eyes was curious. He studied Byakuya's dark expression and realization spread across his face.

Then he started to laugh again.

Byakuya's body moved without thought. Despite the lack of shinigami speed, he took Ichigo by surprise with a sudden hard blow that sent him to the sand in a tumble of arms and legs.

"HEY! What the fuck was that for?" Ichigo yelled, "Byakuya! What the hell is wrong with you?"

And now Renji was staring.

And Renji was so good at reading him. It wouldn't take him long to figure out what was happening. And suddenly Byakuya wanted to sink into the sand and disappear. Because what he had done was so stupid! So humiliating. So damned human.

He whirled and started down the beach, ignoring Renji's plea for him to wait. He groaned at the lack of places into which he might disappear. He suddenly hated the openness of the beach and longed for the cover of the forest trees at home.

But he couldn't go home.

He crossed a small sand hill and sat down, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He dropped his head onto his arms and stared out across the water, watching the waves rise and fall. He felt Renji approach and then the warmth of the redhead's body sitting next to his. He didn't say anything, but a warm arm wrapped around him.

Byakuya still felt that burn of anger, but now the regret felt stronger. Renji hadn't done anything wrong. He wasn't the one who had read too much into what he was seeing, had overreacted and done something both stupid and dangerous. And Renji wasn't the one who needed to apologize.

But Byakuya couldn't make himself say the words. He couldn't make his body move. The situation was just too humiliating. Byakuya focused on breathing slowly in and out, forcing down the sickness at his own pathetic display.

"Byakuya?"

He couldn't look at Renji. He was too ashamed. He continued to stare out over the crashing waves.

"Look…I'm sorry about that. I thought you were sleeping and when Ichigo offered to train with me, I…"

"You didn't do anything wrong," Byakuya said quietly.

"But I should have thought that you might be awake soon. And I should have thought how seeing us training…"

"You should train with Ichigo. You need to work with someone who can challenge you. You don't want to work too much with someone you have to hold back with."

"But I should have given it more thought. I know Ichigo steps on your pride," Renji said softly.

"Ichigo didn't do anything wrong either. I was feeling sorry for myself and had an overly emotional response to a very understandable exchange of friendship. You aren't the one who should be apologizing."

Renji went silent for a moment.

"Will you leave me for a while?" Byakuya asked in a weary voice.

Renji stared at him wordlessly. Byakuya felt the warmth of Renji's arm leave his shoulder and felt the coldness as he moved away.

The beach was quiet again.

And the rage was gone too. But the ache of regret wouldn't leave him. It was a useless emotion, he knew. But he felt it just the same. It wasn't so much having succumbed to jealousy, but that it had taken control of him in such a way, that it had made him act so foolishly, like a ridiculous schoolgirl.

"Kicking yourself?" Kisuke's voice said, scattering his thoughts and sending a pulse of annoyance through him, "Feeling lousy for overreacting?"

He looked up at the offending shinigami.

"Well," said Kisuke, "don't kick yourself too hard. You had a very understandable response for someone not used to dealing with the intensity of human emotion. Don't be too hard on yourself…and try not to take this stuff out on Renji. He's scared to death he's going to lose you. When I suggested that they train, I was trying to take his mind off of that. You might keep that in mind the next time you feel like losing your temper. You may be the one stuck in a human body, but there are other people who are affected by this, too."

Byakuya turned his head and stared out over the water.

"Just something to think about while you're sitting there wallowing in self pity."

There was the swish of a flash step and he was alone again.

He hated that Kisuke was right, both in his estimation of Byakuya's idiotic behavior and in his admonishment. He owed Renji an apology. He might owe Ichigo one as well, but he wasn't going to go there. There was too much residual emotion there.

Instead, he sat quietly on the beach, breathing and letting his emotions drain away with the retreating tide. He felt the calm returning to his body, but the ache of sadness stubbornly refused to leave his heart.

He buried his face in his arms and closed his eyes

He suddenly found himself wishing that Tadashi had been a little more accurate…a little more effective.

Because, even death couldn't feel as awful as being weak.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Don't let him get to you, Renji. You didn't do anything wrong. He'll figure that out…eventually," Ichigo said, taking a bite of his sandwich, "Just let him sit and think about it."

"Shut up, Ichigo," Renji muttered, contemplating his own food.

He sighed and turned his head to look out the window. Byakuya still sat on the beach, resting his head on his arms.

"You don't get how hard this is for him."

"What are you talking about?" Ichigo asked, frowning, "I'm human every day. There's nothing wrong with it, despite how he looks down on us and acts like there is."

"Idiot!" Renji snapped, "That's not what this is about!"

He stared harder at Byakuya.

"Byakuya was raised to believe that emotion makes a person weak. And in his clan, weakness is not tolerated. Byakuya is without a trace of his power. And more than that, he is feeling emotions that, because of the unfamiliarity of that human form, he's not yet able to control. How would you feel going from being the strongest shinigami to being a human with no powers at all? It isn't about simple pride. It's that he's really lost himself, Ichigo. Tadashi did worse than killing him. Because I can tell you from knowing Byakuya, death would be a relief at this point. It isn't being human that's the problem. It's being unable to do what he feels is the most important thing…to protect the ones he loves. Byakuya's power wasn't about dominance. It was about protection. And now he can't even protect himself. It tears him up, being powerless to protect anyone."

He turned to look at Ichigo.

"And I seem to recall you being torn up in just that same way, more than once."

Ichigo lowered his eyes, remembering. Then he nodded.

"Yeah," he said softly, "I guess I can see your point."

He followed Renji's eyes as the redhead turned back to look at Byakuya.

"So what are you going to do?" Ichigo asked quietly.

Renji sighed.

"I don't know. I don't know that there's anything I can do. I'm worried though, Ichigo. In all of the time I've known Byakuya…even when he lost his powers after getting hit with Gin's blade, I've never seen him so shaky…so beaten down. Usually, shit like this just pisses him off and makes him fight harder. But he doesn't seem to be fighting back at all. And that scares the shit out of me, Ichigo. Because if he's going to get himself out of this, he has to be committed to fighting. He has to fight this thing tooth and nail. And right now…I just don't see that happening."

A slow smile was growing on Ichigo's face.

"Well, Renji," he said, pushing his plate aside, "maybe we need to do something about that."

Renji frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it," Ichigo said, his smile growing, "What would you be doing…if it was me?"

Renji froze.

"I'd be down on that beach telling you to get off your ass and fight."

"Exactly," Ichigo said, standing and picking up his zanpakutou.

XXXXXXXXXX

Byakuya heard the odd thump of something hitting the sand next to him and turned his head. To his surprise, Senbonzakura laid in the sand beside him. He didn't have to look up to sense the three swordsmen positioned around him.

"Get up," Kisuke said solemnly, "Draw your blade and fight. If you don't, Renji here might not cut you for it…but Renji isn't the one you have to worry about. You see, both Ichigo and I know the exact limits of what your body can tolerate. And if you don't fight at the peak of that ability, then we will cut you."

There was a breath of hesitation…then a pale hand extended and slid the long blade free. A moment later, Byakuya was moving with all of the speed his human body could handle, throwing himself against the force of the incoming strikes with every bit of strength he could bring to bear. He felt the light sting of a blow connecting and blood cooling on his skin. It didn't make him angry. It didn't make him feel weak. He was shocked to realize that it made him feel…alive.

He might not have the power, the strength he had before, but there was grace in his movements, confidence in the motion of his weapon. They could move faster and get inside his guard, but when they did, they paid for it. Because being human hadn't changed the fact that Byakuya was a master swordsman…and no one would take him easily while he held Senbonzakura in his hand.

He blocked a cut from one sword and his body turned swiftly to meet the next. He felt something rising up inside and thought it must be exhilaration brought on by the fighting.

But something else was happening.

Senbonzakura was beginning to glow.

He felt the hum of power beneath his hand, then the pressure building in his chest as the spiritual pressure increased. His reaction was instinctive.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

Petal blades exploded around him and Byakuya felt the swell of power inside for one ominous moment. Then everything went black and he felt himself begin to fall.