Chapter 14: Show Me What it's Like to be Alive
As I watch you sleep, I realize that there is nothing more perfect than you face, relaxed and calm in slumber, and lit with moonlight. It's hard to watch the glow fade away at the end of night, but then morning comes and your eyes open…and I'll have another day beside you. I didn't know before now what each day meant…how precious each moment was. But pain and death exist to remind us that every day is a treasure, every hour a gift, and every moment may be our last chance to say, "I love you." If we say it, feel it, live it deeply enough…it doesn't have to fade like footprints on sand.
Renji woke to mingled sensations of softness, sweetness and warmth. He realized quickly that he was resting beneath a blanket of flower petals, that they were the source of the softness that tickled his skin and the sweet scent that woke his senses. There was something incredibly warm wrapped around his body. He opened his eyes and squinted against the bright morning light that surrounded Byakuya, lighting his body and making him look like an angel.
The dark eyes blinked slowly and his face lowered to come closer to Renji's. His lips were touched with softness and Renji couldn't tell at first if it was more of the flower petals or if his lover's lips were meeting his. Then the warmth of them reached him and began to radiate as Byakuya mouth moved against his and brought his to life. His lips parted and welcomed the noble's tongue as it slowly slipped inside, curled around his, then moved on to touch and slowly tease the surfaces. And it wasn't just the fact of being kissed by Byakuya, it was the gentleness of touch and motion, the way Byakuya's hands held his face, the soft shiver of happiness that seemed to pass through both of them. He didn't remember ever being touched with such tenderness, such reverence, such respect. He loved how it felt. He loved it so that he didn't want it to end. He loved it so much that he ached inside when the noble's mouth broke away from his. He felt as though his breath had been taken away and a soft moan escaped him.
But Byakuya's mouth returned a moment later to kiss each soft eyelid, to brush their way down the side of his face and to capture a soft earlobe, to nip it gently, then to move down the length of his throat, tracing the black markings with his fingertips, then following with light wet strokes of his tongue. He traveled the length and breadth of the redhead's body this way, touching and tasting, the feel of his breath on Renji's skin sending dizzying shivers through the redhead. He clung to Byakuya's strong body, pulling him closer, straining his body against it, pleading silently for release.
The noble pressed against him, turned his body gently and continued in a slow, unhurried exploration of every last inch of Renji's writhing, wanting form.
So this is what it's like to be brought to life, Byakuya thought, It does feel different knowing…but it isn't being human that does this. It is the closeness of death that heightens every sensation…I was wrong to view the difference between shinigami and human as I did. In truth, we have this one thing in common. Death takes us in its own time…and it doesn't matter what the form of life…everything is intensified when one feels death so near. I was arrogant in forgetting that we never know the number of days, or breaths or heartbeats. Having a longer lifespan is no guarantee of a longer life.
He rested along the length of Renji's back, enjoying the warmth that radiated between them, releasing the scent of the sakura petals they lay upon. He brought his face to rest between the redhead's shoulders, nuzzling closer, then burrowing into the thick red mane.
So it comes down to this…to the binding of lives together, to the struggle to survive, to the endeavor to leave something in our wake. Renji, I hope that we will have something beautiful that we bring to the world, that we can share, that we can leave behind. I won't believe that we will lose each other before then. I will not give in to despair. It doesn't matter that death stands so close beside me. I will hold on to you and I will not let it take me from you. I only wish I could open my mouth to warn you, to share the burden of this, to know that I wasn't alone. But that is selfish of me. I would rather lie here with you and feel your beauty and your love wrap around me. Yours is the soul that resonates with mine…the one I've waited for…the one I will live for…the one I would die for…
"Byakuya…"
He trembled softly. Renji turned in his arms and sat up, bringing Byakuya with him. He was staring, and with good reason. The noble turned and buried his face in the redhead's shoulder. But it was too late to hide his tears.
"Forgive me, Renji," Byakuya whispered, "I can't seem to stop them."
XXXXXXXXXX
Tadashi woke with a horrid ache in his head, neck, back and worst, in his heart. He had fallen asleep at the small table in the apartment where he hid from those who would find him and kill him. It was bad enough to have transformed a captain and clan leader into a human and to have attacked him…but to have tried to kill Byakuya Kuchiki and then to learn that he had done so in error…that Byakuya had been telling the truth…that he had never laid a hand on Takashi! He couldn't stand looking at himself in the mirror.
He wondered briefly where Nia was. She had promised to come back to the apartment as soon as she felt she was not being watched. He sighed in resignation. There was nothing to do but wait while things calmed down.
But waiting was beyond difficult for him. He was exhausted, but he feared sleeping, because it always brought on the nightmares…the ones in which he stabbed Byakuya…again and again. He could feel the closeness of the captain's body, could smell the blood, and could hear the icy hatred in his words. It tore at him and refused to let him rest.
He had only meant to protect his brother's honor, but instead he had nearly destroyed the very person Takashi had given his life to save. He wondered what Takashi would feel about him if he knew. He wouldn't have hated him for it. He wasn't the kind to do that. But Tadashi hated himself. He couldn't forgive himself. When he thought of how Byakuya had tried to explain…and how he had refused to listen…
But there was no point in thinking about it now. While it was true that he hadn't killed the captain, it was still a death penalty offense to attack an officer. And if the Gotei 13 didn't execute him, then the Kuchiki nobles would have him assassinated for laying hands on their clan leader. Either way, Tadashi would soon be as dead as his twin. He wiped the tears from his face. He knew he deserved it, no matter who killed him. It was just horrible waiting to know who would kill him.
He sighed and dragged himself to his feet. Despite what was coming, he was still alive and breathing…if one could call what he was doing living. He started toward the bathroom, planning to take a shower to relax himself. He had moved out of the kitchen and was turning down the hall when he heard a soft sound behind him. He turned and his body froze. Ice formed in his veins as his eyes met those he thought, at first, belonged to Byakuya. But a moment later, he realized that these eyes were more narrow and the body was more thin and angular. There was a mean look about this Kuchiki clan member. He glared at Tadashi.
"You tried to kill our clan leader," he said, stepping forward and placing a hand on his zanpakutou.
Tadashi lowered his eyes. Something that felt like a shiver of relief passed through him It was time. He was going to die. He only wished he had gotten to see Nia one more time.
"I admit…when I believed that Captain Kuchiki dishonored my brother, I did transform him. I did seek to kill him…but I was wrong! I was so wrong!"
He bowed his head.
"Go ahead and kill me," he said softly, "It's only what I deserve."
He waited for the blow to fall. Strangely, nothing touched him. He looked up again. The clan member glared down at him.
"Why haven't you killed me?" he asked, trembling.
The man smiled, sending another tremor through Tadashi.
"I haven't come to kill you, Tadashi," he said softly, "I've come to make you an offer. I will arrange for you and your family to disappear together from the Seireitei, so that you may be together in exile. It is the only way to avoid a death penalty."
"And what must I do to in return for this?" asked Tadashi, blinking slowly.
The eyes of the other gleamed.
"You must fix your mistake, of course," he said ominously, "You must kill Byakuya Kuchiki…and you must let everyone believe that you did it to avenge your brother."
"It was a mistake," Tadashi said, his eyes widening, "The captain never harmed my brother. I cannot hurt him knowing he is innocent."
The Kuchiki clan member stepped closer.
"I thought you might give me a little trouble, so I met with your sister first…"
"Nia? Where is she?" Tadashi demanded, "Where have you taken my sister?"
"I will bring her to the place where they are hiding Captain Kuchiki. You will kill him and I will release her. But if you betray me…if you give me away? I will kill her. Do not think for a moment that I won't. I even have a reason. Having sheltered you, she is now an accomplice!"
"Nia was never involved in this! Never! You…you can't do this!" he stammered.
Orochi closed the distance between them and took Tadashi by the throat.
"You have forgotten your place, gutter rat!" he sneered, "You will do as I tell you or you and your sister will die!"
XXXXXXXXXX
Renji held Byakuya against his shoulder and ran his fingers through the long black, silken hair. The noble's hands tightened slightly, but the trembling in his body ceased and he gave a shivering sigh.
"Byakuya…you're human," Renji said softly, "And more than that, you are newly human. Hell, most humans have years while they grow up to adjust to their bodies and to learn to control their emotions! You've had barely any time at all! And besides, I've never believed what you said about tears and weakness. I've seen very strong people cry, Byakuya. And the strongest people don't cry out of weakness. Their tears are a sign that they are finding their strength. I think that's all you're doing. I think you're finding your strength."
Byakuya managed a short, sarcastic laugh.
"I'm not strong, Renji," he said in a low voice, "I am sickeningly weak. I couldn't defeat the lowest of hollows. I can't stand in your presence without that pendant you wear. My own zanpakutou's power injures me…and my emotions are raging out of control."
Renji pulled away and looked into Byakuya's still-wet eyes.
"Then I think you need some kind of distraction. Hell, all you've really experienced as a human are unpleasant parts of it. There are good things about being alive…at least, that's what Ichigo always tells me. Maybe what you need is to spend some time doing some more pleasant things."
"Like what?" Byakuya asked, furrowing his brow.
"Like…let's make breakfast together, then go down and walk on the beach. Let's collect seashells and put our feet in the water."
Byakuya couldn't quite hide the tolerant smile that crept onto his face.
"And you think this will help me? How?" he asked.
Renji leaned forward and kissed his lips warmly.
"It will give you some quality time with me and it will take your mind off of your troubles for a while."
Renji took Byakuya's hand and pulled him to his feet. He handed the noble some clothes he pulled out of a drawer and, gazing curiously at Renji, Byakuya slipped into them. He followed Renji into the kitchen and soon found himself immersed in helping the redhead prepare and lay out their meal. It wasn't, Byakuya found, the meal that made the time well spent. It was looking into Renji's eyes, the way their hands touched as they handed things to each other. It was in the way they descended into kisses as they waited for the water to boil for tea. Such simple things…and yet they felt like so much more, now.
They sat at the table on the balcony, leaned against each other and looking out over the sea as they slowly ate. The words they exchanged were simple too…simple and precious.
They set their dishes in the sink and Byakuya followed Renji down to the beach. They walked barefoot in the shallow water. And as Renji had suggested, they picked up more than a few shells. He was amazed at how pleasant it felt, sliding his fingers over them in his pockets as he continued to walk barefoot in the sand. They came to a rocky area and found a secret cache of beautiful little tide pools. They lay on their stomachs side-by-side, touching sea urchins, starfish, crabs and sea cucumbers with light fingertips.
"You were right, Renji," Byakuya said, reaching out to stroke the soft surface of a sea cucumber, "I did need this. It does seem strange that there is so much in the simple things…or maybe it isn't in things at all. It's in what happens between us while we encounter these things. Everything just seems better when I share it with you."
Renji nodded.
"I feel that way too."
They left the tide pools and walked slowly back along the edge of the water, stopping every now and again to admire a bird flying over them, a boat on the water, or just the crashing and pounding of the waves.
Byakuya felt the strength returning to body and heart. Even knowing what Kisuke had revealed to him seemed more bearable, knowing that Renji would be at his side. But he knew now that it was wrong to keep the details from his lover. Renji needed to have some kind of warning. He needed to know what was coming so that he would know what needed to be done. None of it would be easy, he knew. But they could get through it if they just leaned on each other. He turned to Renji, finally ready to tell him everything. The redhead was standing with his back to Byakuya and his eyes focused out to the sea. Byakuya stepped forward.
"Renji," he began.
Then everything seemed to move in slow motion. Renji turned at the sound of his name. And as his head came around and his eyes met Byakuya's, a sudden look of deep distress crossed the noble's features. Renji's heart froze.
Plain on the noble's face were the signs of pain. His chest heaved as though he suddenly couldn't draw a breath. He swayed dizzily and his legs collapsed beneath him. Renji caught him and eased him to the sand.
"Byakuya!" Renji gasped worriedly, "Bya, what's wrong?"
Byakuya sank into Renji's arms, unable to answer.
"Byakuya?" Renji cried, "Byakuya!"
He lifted the now unconscious noble and raced up the stairs and back into the house, calling out to Kisuke. The former captain appeared out of nowhere with Ichigo on his heels. They followed Renji into the bedroom and the redhead placed Byakuya carefully in the bed. Kisuke stepped forward and leaned over the noble, examining him carefully.
"Kisuke," Renji said in a frightened voice, "What is this? What's happening to him?"
Kisuke sighed and shook his head.
"Time's getting short," he said solemnly, "This is the beginning of the end. From here on in, the waters are going to get rough. Byakuya's human form has begun to fail. He may be okay this time…maybe the next. But each time he goes down…could be his last."