Chapter 17: Human Instinct
"Renji…" Byakuya moaned deliriously, "Where are you, Renji?"
The sound of his voice brought Renji abruptly awake. His heart pounded uncomfortably as he turned in Byakuya's arms and found him to be only semi-conscious. His hands came up and found Renji's face as the redhead leaned over him and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"I'm right here with you, Byakuya," he answered softly, uncertain whether or not his senseless lover could hear him.
Byakuya blinked several times and his eyes fixed more firmly on Renji's. He sat up slowly, but Renji could see that his body was trembling and he seemed awfully shaky. He started to get out of bed, but Renji quickly pulled him back and he swayed unsteadily before dropping back into Renji's arms. He lay quietly there, gazing up into the wide brown eyes and finding his own fears reflected in them. A soft pale hand rose and touched Renji's cheek. The redhead's eyes closed and he swallowed hard.
"Renji," Byakuya said softly, "I am sorry."
The brown eyes opened and looked at him in surprise.
"Sorry?" Renji repeated uncomprehendingly, "Byakuya…what are you apologizing for?"
He sat up next to Renji and took his hands. The dark gray eyes captured Renji's
"I'm sorry that this is hurting you so much. I can see that you're frightened for me…and I'm scared too."
He breathed a trembling sigh and settled into Renji's arms, resting his head on the redhead's soft shoulder.
"I never really feared dying as a shingami," he admitted, "and if you had asked me why, I would have told you that it was simply not something to be feared. It was my mission to protect other lives and if my own life ended because of it, it was only the price exacted for being who I was. I feared losing others to death, especially after losing Hisana, but I just didn't fear for myself. Maybe it was arrogance…or maybe it was because I had learned to accept death's constant presence near me. Whatever it was that left me fearless is gone. And it doesn't matter that I know it is necessary. It doesn't matter that I know I have a life waiting for me to return to it on the other side of this…Renji, I know I really have to be alive. I really have to be human. Because even knowing all I do, my body still shakes at the thought of what has to happen. My heart races in desperation at the thought of being stilled. In this way, I am like any other human. I can't simply shrug off my existence. I cannot just throw my life away. My mind knows what is necessary, but my heart will not accept it. It rages against what we know we have to do. It wants desperately to stay alive. Why is that? Renji, I want to regain my shinigami form. I want to go home. Why do I feel like this? There shouldn't be such conflict! Why?"
"Bya…you know why," Renji answered gently, "Even as a shinigami, I know you believed that every life has meaning…every life exists for a reason, or many reasons. You told me that once. Something inside you is telling you that there is something more to this life than what you've experienced, something you have left to do."
"Renji…there is nothing left I can do, no great purpose to live for. This body is shaky and weak. It is already dying. What purpose could it possibly serve now?"
"Shh," Renji said, lowering him back onto the pillows, "You're over-thinking all of this. You need to focus on resting and regaining some strength. If our roles were reversed, that's what you would be telling me. Close your eyes. Try to rest."
The troubled gray eyes closed and Renji felt the tension ease. He leaned over Byakuya and began at the top of his head, stroking the long silken strands of hair, then letting his fingertips trace the lines and curves of his face. And where Renji's fingers touched him, the tension faded. He made his way down the soft skin of his lover's throat, pausing to feel the soft pulse of life moving through him…then he moved on to the muscular shoulders and chest. As he made his way slowly down Byakuya's body, appreciating every line, every curve, every surface, he could see that Byakuya was nearly asleep. He returned to rest his head on his lover's shoulder and placed his lips close to Byakuya's ear.
"Your life has many purposes. You have made a difference. You had an effect on people while you were here. The nurses at the hospital…the woman at the dance club who you told me helped you. You may not think it's worth much, but it is. And you've done something else while you were here. You were my lover. And if you think that just because you will regain your shinigami form, that I'll forget all about what you were like as a human, think again. It's strange, Bya. I thought you were strong when you were a shinigami, but you've redefined the word as a human. With no powers, with your body weakening by the moment, you have kept moving forward anyway. You haven't let weakness and powerlessness defeat you. You've come this far and I know you won't stop. You have more courage than I ever could if it was me going through this. Bya…I thought I was in love with you before. But I've fallen in love with you all over again. And I think that is enough purpose…love is enough of a reason for anyone to live. You think your life should have purpose…and our love is the greatest purpose."
He realized suddenly that Byakuya's eyes were open and looking at him. His body was calm and relaxed, but a tear had broken free and was sliding slowly down his face. Renji turned and kissed it away. Byakuya sat up and brought Renji up with him. His touch on Renji's arm was steady and firm.
"Arigato, Renji," he said quietly, looking into the redhead's teary eyes with affection and gratitude. "You are right. Our love is the greatest purpose. I was wrong to forget that, wrong to despair."
He studied Renji quietly for a moment.
"Renji," he said softly, "I think that we can't let this drag on anymore. It is wearing on all of us…and my body is in danger of failing completely. I need you to find Ichigo and Kisuke. I have to explain to Ichigo how his help will be needed. And then…we should move forward with this."
Renji bit down on his lips and blinked back the tears that threatened.
"Are you sure?" he asked in a trembling voice.
Byakuya nodded.
"I am sure."
Renji rose onto leaden legs and left the room. He walked slowly down the hallway, dreading every step. Kisuke and Ichigo were sitting at the table drinking tea and listening to the rain. They looked up as Renji entered the room, looking pale and weary. Kisuke read his expression and stood.
"He wants the two of you to come to him."
Renji looked meaningfully at Kisuke.
"He is ready for things to move forward."
There was a flash of surprise, then a look of troubled acceptance in Kisuke's eyes.
"Come on, Ichigo," he said quietly, "You heard Renji."
Ichigo rose and followed the two down the hallway, feeling a growing sense of uncertainty. Something was going to happen. Kisuke was unnerved. If Kisuke was unnerved, then there was reason for Ichigo to worry. He swallowed hard and rested a hand on Zangetsu, quietly drawing strength and calm from the spirit inside.
Byakuya looked up as the three entered the room. A look of uncertainty flashed across his face, then his eyes grew calm with acceptance. He fastened his eyes on Ichigo as the young shinigami sat down in a chair next to the bed. Renji reclaimed his place on the bed beside the dark haired captain.
"Ichigo Kurosaki," Byakuya said quietly, "I must ask for assistance. You know that Kisuke and I have been attempting to find a way for me to regain my shinigami form. It took some time, but we believe we have found a solution."
"And you need me? Why?"
"I need you because you have the power to send me to my inner world. Kisuke has also discovered that there is a way to send you and Renji with me to that place, so that you can fight Senbonzakura on my behalf. I realize that it is a lot to ask…"
"Don't worry about that," Ichigo said firmly, "Just tell me what I have to do."
Byakuya nodded.
"There is a spirit receptor in my body that must be opened so that we can enter my inner world. To reach it, the barrier protecting it must be opened and the force around it must be allowed to weaken. When that happens, a vortex will open. When it does, it will take a compact stream of ban kai strength reiatsu to open the vortex. After that, it's a matter of me staying alive and you and Renji defeating Senbonzakura."
"Okay," said Ichigo uncertainly, "but your eyes tell me there's more to this. What haven't you told me?"
"It will be difficult for you, I think, Ichigo Kurosaki. You are one who protects lives, but what you have to realize is that this human life has to end, so that my shinigami life can be regained."
Ichigo blinked and paled.
"Byakuya…you are saying…we have to kill you?"
"You must end my human life…yes. That is what I am asking you to do. Kisuke will strike the fatal blow, then when you see the pulsation of the spirit receptor, you must use your Zangetsu to fire the reiatsu through it. That will open the path to my inner world."
Ichigo stared at him in disbelief.
"You want me to kill you?" he repeated, still not believing.
"I will already be dying. Kisuke's is the blade that will deliver the fatal blow. All you are doing is making certain that the sacrifice is worth the effort. Ichigo, you cannot save this human life. It will end, whether by Kisuke's hand or by the failure of the form itself. But my shinigami form can be saved. You are not going to kill me. You are going to keep me from dying."
Kisuke studied the young man's shocked expression and the tension in his body.
"Can you do this Ichigo?" he asked, "because once I open the way, there is no going back. If you don't fire the reiatsu through the vortex, Byakuya will die…and all we've done to try to save him will be for nothing."
"Kisuke," Byakuya said softly, "This is a difficult decision for him. Ichigo is guided by strong emotion. He needs time to absorb this."
Ichigo turned his head to look at Byakuya. He could see the uncertainty, the emotion roiling beneath the calm surface. He swallowed hard.
"No…I don't need to think about it. Byakuya…if you are dying, and this is the only way to keep that from happening…I can do it."
Byakuya's eyes met his calmly.
"Arigato, Ichigo. Then you will need to take ban kai form."
Ichigo stared in surprise.
"What…now?" he asked in a choked voice.
"There is no point in waiting," Byakuya said calmly, "My human form is failing. There is growing unsteadiness in my body. I do not have much time. And what would we use the time for? There is nothing to be gained by waiting."
Ichigo stared for a moment longer, then sighed in resignation. He stepped back and drew Zangetsu. Spirit energy swelled around him as he shifted to ban kai form, then he stood, waiting quietly at the end of the bed.
Kisuke stepped forward.
"I think this will require restraints," he told Byakuya, "Your human body has strong instincts for survival. I can't afford to have you move at the wrong time…you know what I mean?"
Byakuya looked back at him uncertainly for a moment, then nodded in acceptance.
"Renji, stay where you are. You need to be in physical contact with him when the vortex opens. Just…stay at his head and don't move. I don't want to hit you by mistake."
Renji stretched along Byakuya's side and turned his head so that their faces were close and Byakuya's was turned away from Kisuke. A shiver went through the noble, but his eyes remained calm, his expression steady.
Kisuke swiftly set the restraints and drew his zanpakuto. He stood at the side of the bed and raised the weapon, point down over Byakuya's unprotected chest. Renji held the noble's head, his body shaking at the knowledge of what was about to happen. Ichigo shifted uncomfortably. There was a moment of breathless hesitation, Then the blade fell.
There was the sudden crack of kido being shattered and the hiss of a flash step. Kisuke's weapon sank down into the suddenly empty bed.
Across the room, Renji sank to his knees, holding Byakuya's trembling form tightly against him.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed into Byakuya's shoulder, "I'm sorry. I just couldn't stop myself. I couldn't just sit there and watch him do that to you…I'm sorry, Byakuya…I'm sorry!"
Byakuya's arms wrapped around Renji and pulled him close.
"Stop apologizing," he said in a shaky voice, "You have nothing to be sorry for. I feel horrible for ever asking you to do this. Renji…maybe you should go."
"But what about Senbonzakura? You need me to…"
"No. Ichigo will defeat Senbonzakura," Byakuya assured him, "He has defeated Senbonzakura before, he can do it again."
Renji shook his head firmly.
"He barely beat the controlled form of Senbonzakura! And besides, you need someone to protect you too. I'll…I'll make myself do this. You can have Kisuke bind me so I won't react like that again. Byakuya…I'll do this. I'll find a way to make myself do it!"
"Tell you what," Kisuke said, a look of understanding in his eyes, "We'll leave you two alone for a while, so you can talk about this. I don't think you were as ready as you thought. Sounds like you still have things to say to each other."
He turned and left with Ichigo on his heels. The door closed softly behind them. Byakuya remained on their knees on the floor, still wrapped in each other's arms. Byakuya freed one hand and brushed away the redhead's tears. Pale hands took hold of Renji's face and warm, full lips captured his. Renji leaned into the kiss, more tears burning in his eyes. Byakuya's lips broke away from his and brushed against his ear.
"I love you. I am sorry I asked you to be here for this. I should have protected you from it. But I needed you. I was afraid of what was happening and I needed you to help me feel calm again. I didn't give enough thought to how difficult it would be for you. That was wrong of me. It was selfish."
Renji closed his eyes against the words.
"I was the one who was selfish. I know this is necessary. It is this or letting you die. So I'll do this, Bya. I'll do it if it kills me!"
Byakuya answered him with warm, soft kisses and gentle touches on his face and throat. Renji carefully wrapped his arms around him, lifted him and carried him back to the bed. He set Byakuya down, trying to ignore the damage Kisuke's weapon had left behind. He crawled into bed next to the noble and the two indulged in a flurry of desperate, needy kisses, before pulling away and meeting each other's eyes warily.
"Are you going to be all right now, Renji?" Byakuya asked, looking into his eyes.
Renji nodded.
"I'll be okay."
Byakuya released a shaky sigh.
"Then perhaps you should go and bring them back."
Renji opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by the sound of Tadashi's voice.
"Byakuya Kuchiki, I know you are here!" the voice called from somewhere outside, "I need you to come out. I want to talk to you."
Byakuya and Renji stared at each other.
"There's no way you're going to go out there," Renji said firmly, "Kisuke and Ichigo can handle them."
Byakuya nodded.
"It's probably best that way," he agreed.
Byakuya brushed the hair away from Renji's face and kissed him. Renji leaned forward to return the kiss, but drew back as he noticed a pained look rising in the noble's expression.
"What is it?" he asked quickly.
"I don't know!" Byakuya gasped, his chest beginning to heave, "It feels like there is a great weight on my chest…It feels like fire inside. Renji…you need to bring Kisuke…"