Silence. No news. No smiles or tears. Just silence, and Kensi Blye thought she was going to go crazy from it.
The entire team had been waiting for news on Deeks for three long, restless hours. Nell had fallen asleep, her head on Eric's shoulder while he dozed in his chair. Sam had gone to the cafeteria to see about food, while Callen paced back and forth across the waiting room. Sitting quiet and astute as always was Hetty.
Kensi pulled her feet up onto the chair and hugged her knees like a small child, tucking her head into her chest. She would inhale deeply and the comfort of a smell that was distinctly Deeks calmed her racing pulse. She couldn't lose him, and the weight of the possibility had her feeling like Atlas. There was too much to say.
Plus he promised her. The agent scoffed at her own thoughts. Of course he promised. He would do anything to please her. Anything. Including losing his upper hand with Crustoff so she could take a shot.
Kensi felt the blood drain from her already pale face. It was her fault. She allowed Deeks to get shot. If she hadn't asked him to let go of Crustoff he may have won the fight on his own.
She was going to be sick. Suddenly Kensi shot to her feet and ran back to the bathroom she had used earlier that morning. The agent heaved into the toilet as she fell to her already bruised knees.
A small part of her recognized that Deeks may have lost without her intervention as well, but her emotional side quickly pushed the rationale to the back of her mind as she continued to vomit bile.
A hand was placed gently on Kensi's back but she recoiled from the touch.
"Hey, Kensi. It'll be alright." The team leader's voice spoke gently in her ear as he squatted beside her. He had seen his teammate run off and with a nod from Hetty had followed.
"No, Callen. It's my fault. It's not okay." Kensi rested her warm face against the cool seat of the toilet thoroughly exhausted.
"Kens, don't say that. Crustoff is dead, and Deeks, well, we will find out more soon but he is tougher than you think."
"I told him to let go of Crustoff so I could get in a few shots. He had the upper hand, Callen. I made him lose that."
"You were trying to protect him. And you did. Crustoff was dead on impact. Deeks was injured."
"Yeah, but he died right in front of me. He flatlined in the ambulance." Big tears were making their way down the agents beautiful face as she glanced toward Callen. "He died and I just had to sit and watch. He was dead when they rolled him back to ICU." Kensi felt her stomach twist again at the thought and turned her head back to the toilet opening. Callen gently rubbed her back until she was finished, then handed her a moist paper towel.
"Come on, Kensi. Maybe some crackers and water will do you good. When was the last time you ate?"
"Deeks and I had some cereal this morning after Sam called." Kensi replied softly.
"Okay, well he should be back soon with breakfast. Do you want a nurse to check you out or are you going to be alright," Callen nervously took in his agent's trembling body and pale features covered in a sheen of sweat. Deeks' unknown status was really taking a toll on his partner.
"No. I'm fine." Deeks never would have let her response slide so easily but Callen merely stood up and grabbed Kensi under the arms to haul her to her feet. She could barely keep her knees from buckling as lack of sleep, food, and stress took its toll on her exhausted frame.
As the pair entered the waiting room, they saw the whole team huddled around a petite nurse. Kensi let go of Callen and rushed over to the group, heart pounding in anticipation.
"How is he?" Kensi interrupted.
The nurse glanced over to the young woman and decided to ignore her, continuing with her report, "As I was saying, Mr. Deeks underwent extensive surgery on both the chest wound and his thigh. The two bullets had to be removed, and some of the damage repaired. The bullet to his chest grazed his left lung causing a collapse, as well as, shattering his collarbone. The bullet narrowly missed his heart but the bone deflected the round.
"As for the damage to his leg, Mr. Deeks was very lucky we could repair the damage in time. The bullet burst a major artery which caused him to lose blood flow to the lower leg. If pressure had not been applied at the scene, he very well may have lost his leg along with his life. Said artery was stitched but is being watched with extreme caution. The bullet lodged itself in the femur which will cause extreme pain during the recovery process, seeing as the bone was severely damaged as well."
Kensi felt a little weight lift off her sagging shoulders at the nurse's words. She had saved Deeks' leg. If she had ignored the injured thigh and focused solely on the chest wound his injuries would have been worse and he would very possibly have died on site.
"Mr. Deeks is in a medically induced coma for the time being in hopes that his body will begin the repair process. He has also been placed on a ventilator due to his injured lung. Although surgery has helped the patient's situation, he is not out of the clear. We lost him twice on the table in addition to the time in the ambulance. The third time it was a struggle to regain stability. Mr. Deeks will be heavily watched for the next 48 hours and will remain in critical condition until otherwise noted."
With that the nurse paused, waiting for the bombardment of questions from the group.
"So he will live?" Kensi asked hopefully.
"The odds are still not great, but better than they were a few hours ago," The nurse stated mechanically.
Kensi felt her heart drop at her words. Not great. That wasn't good enough for Kensi and she let the nurse know, "Well, isn't there anything else you can do?" Kensi's voice was slowly rising to a yell.
"I mean you have an officer of the law lying in there and you can't help him any more than you have?"
"Miss Blye," Hetty chastised. "These hard working professionals know what they are doing. At some point you just have to hope Mr. Deeks has the strength to pull through on his own."
Kensi sent a quick glare in the operations manager's direction, but soon felt ashamed. Looking to the nurse she apologized for her behavior, "I am sorry. He is my partner and I failed him. This isn't your fault, it's mine."
With watery eyes, the agent turned and sagged into the nearest chair covering her face with tired hands. The rest of the group thanked the nurse for the information and went to Kensi.
"Miss Blye, a word."
"Hetty, I—"
"No, Miss Blye. Now."
As Hetty guided Kensi out of the waiting room, the bright sunlight of the day hit their faces. Kensi could see the road past the hospital parking lot. People continued their mornings as if nothing had changed and yet for Kensi everything had shifted. The early morning, waking up with Deeks felt so far away at the moment and yet it had only been a little over six hours before.
"Kensi," The agent's head shot up hearing her first name being used from the tiny woman in front of her. "Mr. Deeks will pull through. You must have faith in his strength. But what is all of this nonsense about it being your fault?"
"It is Hetty. He let go of Crustoff's weapon so I could get in a shot."
"Well, the way I look at it you saved his life. The nurse mentioned that Mr. Deeks would have lost his leg if pressure wasn't applied on site. Obviously you did something right. Even though Mr. Deeks is in critical condition, it could have been much worse. He may not have even been given the chance to fight had it not been for your strength."
Kensi absorbed Hetty's words for a moment before replying, "Doesn't feel that way, Hetty. It feels like I put him in that hospital bed on a ventilator."
"I assure you, Miss Blye that is not the case. Now would you like to visit Mr. Deeks?"
Kensi gave a sad nod and followed Hetty back inside.
Kensi crept down the hallway fearing what she may see as she entered her partner's room. Keeping in mind that he was on a vent, she slowly opened the door. Although she had tried to mentally prepare herself for the image in front of her, she still vastly underestimated the extent of Deeks' injuries.
Deeks had so many monitors and machines surrounding him she could hardly squeeze into the small room. The whoosh of the ventilator put Kensi on edge, knowing that without it her partner may suffocate. She followed the tube exiting the machine to Deeks' very still, very chapped lips.
An IV was giving his body the nutrients and medications it needed for the time being and a heart rate monitor was marking the precious counts of his beating heart.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Steady and strong. Kensi felt as though she could weep at the beautiful rhythm that she had lost in the ambulance.
Deeks was alive. That was all that Kensi cared about in that moment. As she approached the bed, the agent noticed the immense bandaging holding her partner's shoulder and ribcage in position. His chest was bare and the white gauze and padding wrapped around his shoulder and torso, disappearing beneath the blankets around his waist.
Deeks' legs were covered for which Kensi was thankful. She could hardly handle the view of his chest in such severe condition and could only imagine his leg to be worse. The nurse had mentioned severe bruising to the area due to internal bleeding when the artery burst. His leg would be black and blue for a few weeks.
Kensi sunk into the only available chair in the room and started praying—something she hadn't done in a very long time.