Hey guys! I'm so excited about finally getting this chapter up! It's been sitting half-finished on my computer for a week now. As usual let me know what you think. It helps me keep Kensi and Deeks in character considering I don't follow the show super closely. Unfortunately this may be the last chapter for a while as things pick up at school. I will do my best to continue as fast as I can. I promise to finish this story! Thanks again for all of your gracious support.
Deeks woke with a start, pain engulfing his senses. Maybe refusing painkillers had been a bad idea. Next time he would ask for a couple Advil instead. Not only was his thigh and lung on fire, but he realized that he was very, very alone.
The lights in his room were shut off and the hallway dimmed so patients could get some rest. He felt cloaked in the darkness, as if it were pressing in on him. It was times like these that he was taken back to his childhood, where he would hide under the bed, stifling breaths that may reveal his location to his angry father. Deeks was alone then too.
Slowly the detective was able to calm himself. Glancing around the room his eyes settled on a white paper on his bedside table. Gently, so as not to disturb his shoulder, he reached for it.
Deeks,
Went home for a shower and sleep. Figured you would be okay for a bit. I promise to be back in the morning. Don't get into too much trouble while I'm gone.
~K
Well, that explained where his partner had gone. Even though she fully deserved the rest a bed could provide, he selfishly wanted Kensi to stay with him. She was good at keeping him calm. Deeks tried to hide the discomfort he was feeling from the nurses, but Kensi understood. She knew that he felt weak giving into the medications, and Deeks did not like feeling helpless. He was helpless as a kid and he did everything in his power to not be as an adult.
Now that he was completely alone, Deeks allowed himself a brief moment of discomposure. His face held a grimace as he tried to reorient his sore body on the uncomfortable, hospital mattress. Unfortunately, even the slightest movement sent white-hot heat straight to his collarbone. Rolling onto his side wasn't an option either, because of course, he just had to be injured on both sides of his body. Breathing even became an issue when deep breaths caught in his airway. Deeks let out a groan of frustration, feeling moisture build-up in his eyes. Once again he was the helpless little kid.
"God damn it" he muttered under his breath, trying to hold it together for no one in particular.
It was going to be a long recovery if this was only day three. But, the detective was determined. He was not going to be helpless. As if to prove a point to himself, he decided to try getting to the en suite bathroom to wash his grimy face.
Slowly, Deeks sat up, grasping onto his shoulder to support it, considering he lacked a sling. He threw off his blankets and gradually moved his good leg to the edge of the bed. In order to get to his feet, he had to move his damaged leg by hand. Considering the brace kept his knee fixed at a slight angle, Deeks only had motion at his hip. When he pulled his leg up to the edge of the bed he gasped in agony. He really needed to ask for some Advil if he was going to survive this.
Now pulling himself to stand and actually getting to the bathroom were his next obstacles. Knowing he couldn't support himself on his right leg, Deeks slipped to the edge of the bed until his left foot touch the floor. His body was exhausted and drowning in red, hot pain as he put his weight on his good foot, feeling the icy tiles below. The detective once again cupped his arm at the elbow to ensure no movement jolted his collarbone. This only disrupted his already precarious balance and he wobbled trying hard to stay off his right leg.
Eventually Deeks felt balanced enough to try to hop his way to the bathroom. It was only a few yards away, but at his slow pace and frequent stops for a breath it took him over five minutes to make his way there. Leaning up against the sink, he let go of his left arm and used the edge of the counter to support it. He waited for the forming black spots in his vision to disappear and then gently, he turned the faucet to hot, letting it get steamy. As he waited Deeks decided with all his efforts to get to the bathroom he may as well relieve himself and he shuffled a few feet over to the toilet.
Rinsing his face had never felt like such a relief. The warm water washed away the stresses and sweat of the past few days. Glancing into the mirror, Deeks sighed. He looked like hell. His usual scruff was now going on beard status and his blonde hair fell in greasy locks over his forehead. Being in critical condition he was not permitted showers. Even now, standing in the bathroom, he knew it would be a while before he would enjoy the comfort of warm water raining over him. Deeks would be too exhausted to stand there and it would be impossible for him to maintain balance and rinse himself at the same time. For the time being, he would have to deal with the occasional wet clothe the nurses had provided.
Home. That's all the detective wished for at this point. Home—where Monty greeted him and he could take as many showers as he pleased. Where he could walk to the beach or catch the perfect wave. That was all gone. At least for the time being. And he was alone. Truly, his only family were the members of OSP. Not one fellow officer from LAPD stopped by to see how he was doing. Although he was friendly with his neighbors, nobody knew much about him. And his real family was gone, his mom disappearing years before and his father dead.
Marty Deeks hated being alone. It made him miserable. He needed to talk, to act goofy, to hide from this dark side that seemed to always take hold when left to his own devices. Kensi was coming back, but God, between the pain and restlessness it caused, it was going to be a long few hours until the morning.
But she would be back and Deeks was comforted by the thought. He painstakingly made his way back to bed, thoroughly exhausted. And unexpectedly, as if receiving a reprieve from heaven, Deeks' fatigued body was drawn into unconsciousness despite the pain running like lightning through his veins.
"Deeks?" Came the quiet whisper, "Deeks?" A warm hand ran through his tousled hair as the detective slowly opened his eyes.
"Kens?"
"Sure thing, partner. I brought you some breakfast. Thought you might like a change from hospital food," Kensi said with an unusually warm and serene smile.
"Ughhh. Yes. Seriously why do they think people can live off of pudding and Jell-O here?" Deeks asked exasperated. The weakness he experienced the night before seemed to melt out of him as he looked into his partner's soft brown eyes.
"What?"
"What what?" Deeks smiled.
"You are staring at me, Deeks."
"You just seem, I don't know, happy this morning. It's nice." Kensi felt a blush heat her cheeks and shyly dipped her eyes thinking back to her decision to approach their unspoken "thing". It would be tough but Deeks was already so appreciative and understanding of her she felt a little bit more confident.
"Just glad to see you, I guess."
"I'm glad to see you too, Kensi." The sincerity of his words brought Kensi's eyes up to meet Deeks'. It was a moment in which usually one of them broke the tension with a joke, but something seemed to shift.
"I, um, I have bagels." The agent tore her eyes from Deeks' deep blue ones and held up the brown bag.
"Good. I'm starving." Deeks patted the bed next to him, indicating for her to slide in beside him.
"Deeks, I don't mind the chair. I don't want to hurt you."
"I don't want you in the chair, Princess. I was lonely last night. I want, no, need someone beside me right now." No jest was present in the worn detective's voice and he shot her his best puppy dog pout. Sighing she sat on the very edge.
"No. No. No. Slide up. That's not going to be comfortable for very long."
"Deeks, what if I hurt you?"
"Then, I'll adjust or let you know, Fern. Please scoot closer. Besides they set the thermostat at like 60 degrees in these rooms. I'm cold," he added with a cheeky smile.
And there he is again, Kensi gave him her classic eye-roll but crawled up beside him.
"Owwwwww" he bellowed.
Kensi shot like an arrow from the bed.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Do you need a nurse? What did I do?" too caught up in her frantic state, Kensi missed the huge grin that soon turned into hoots of laughter coming from Deeks.
"Kens, calm down. I was only kidding," Deeks managed between laughs and attempted deep breaths. Although it felt good to have a little fun, his body was certainly protesting.
"Deeks, if you weren't injured right now…"
"Don't even finish that statement, Princess," her partner interrupted. "I know you love me as I am. And if I didn't tease you, I wouldn't be me. I'll even give you a few free punches for when I get out of here."
Kensi sighed and climbed back up next to Deeks, tossing a bagel exasperatedly onto his lap.
"Eat."
"Yes, ma'am."
Silence filled the room as the pair ate their breakfast. Deeks was the first to speak, as usual.
"Sooo, any idea when I can jump this joint?"
"Nope. I'll ask a nurse today. It shouldn't be too much longer though since you haven't had many complications. You're feeling stuck aren't you?" Kensi questioned seriously. Deeks nodded in response, head down knowing too many emotions were flooding his eyes at the moment.
"Deeks. You don't have to hide from me," she placed a hand on his leg, "I know what it feels like."
"It's not just being bored, Kens. I am so locked up. I haven't gotten to shower. My beard is overgrown. I—I just want to be independent. To not be considered weak."
"God, Deeks. I don't think anybody here considers you weak. You survived massive trauma." Kensi grabbed his free hand and squeezed, fighting the urge to run a hand through his golden locks to comfort him. He was one of the strongest people she knew. He fought his whole life to be accepted, to be loved and yet nobody seemed to see the wonderful man she had grown to adore.
"I don't know. I just feel helpless. Like I'm only going to be a hassle to people. I've always been a hassle to people. To my parents growing up, to the LAPD, to you guys."
"Wait, wait. Who ever said NCIS thinks you are a hassle? You, Deeks, you are not a hassle." Kensi had turned her whole body towards him forcing his eyes to connect with hers. What she saw hurt her to the core. His eyes swam with need, anguish, and hopelessness.
Taking a risk, she dropped his hand and moved hers to cup his cheek, now thickly coated in a beard. Inhaling a deep breath the agent prepared herself for the conversation she feared would forever change their partnership.
"Deeks. Listen to me, because I may only have the strength to say this once, okay?" When he acknowledged her with a nod Kensi continued, "Deeks. You are the strongest person I know. You have been to hell and back, multiple times, and yet you still put on a smile and choose to live a better life. You fear your past and you let it weigh you down. You are scared of Max, that you may become him, but I know otherwise. When I look at you I see Marty Deeks, a person whose heart is bigger than all the rest. You are selfless and care more about providing for others than for yourself. When I first met you in that MMA gym I thought you were a pretty face," Kensi held up a finger to protest the interruption of a snide comment during her serious spiel.
"But deep down I felt there was something you were hiding. I now realize you hide your true self from the world to protect your heart. You hide behind jokes and take hits from others to gain approval. And while I will probably never give up on taking a chance to tease you a bit, I appreciate the real Marty Deeks even more. He is kind and gentle. You always look out for me, even when it's not necessary. You have taught me to relax a little and enjoy life instead of wasting it on the past. Deeks, there is nobody else I would want to watch my back on and off the field.
"When you—when you got shot," Kensi lifted her eyes to the ceiling trying to choke back the sob forming in her throat, "I lost it. I felt it was my fault," Deeks tried to stop her, to tell her otherwise but she continued, "I know you say otherwise, but just hear me out. You always do what I ask. What I want or need. But occasionally I want to be able to make you as happy and safe as you make me. And when you died in that ambulance, I thought I lost that chance.
"I lost my partner, my best friend, my beers and ice cream buddy," she chuckled through her now flowing tears. "Deeks, I need you in my life. It is hard for me to admit that. I haven't truly relied on anybody since my dad. But you have managed to worm your way into my heart and somehow no matter how hard I tried to keep you out, you stayed. And I will never be more grateful for your persistence. You saved me from my past, the darkness that hovered over me. I want to be that support for you too. I want to pull you from your past and let you see the beautiful brightness of your future. Because you, Deeks, you are a man that deserves whatever future he can dream up."
Kensi let out a deep breath, scared of Deeks' reaction to her proclamations. When she glanced up to look at him she had to smile. His eyes had glossed over with tears and a small grin lifted the edges of his lips.
"Thanks, Kens," was all he managed before reaching with his left arm to pull her into a tight embrace. She felt warm tears wetting he neck where he had nuzzled his head. She took the opportunity to run her fingers through his hair, a habit she had grown quite accustomed to. Deeks' body always relaxed under her touch and she felt some of the earlier tension ease away with her motions.
"It's the truth. Honestly Deeks. I don't know anybody stronger, with a more gracious heart than you. Despite your past."
"I want to let it go, Kens. I really do." His beard tickled her neck as he spoke into her shoulder.
"I want to help. Just let me help." She felt his small nod and sigh. The detective slowly lifted his head and gave Kensi a warm smile before leaning in and kissing her forehead. Just as his body had relaxed under her touch, hers responded equally.
"I would like that. Kensi, nobody in my entire life has ever made me feel more loved or appreciated than you have in the few short years we have been partners. I get happiness out of making you laugh that ridiculous laugh of yours and seeing you with Monty and teaching you to surf, but most of all I want is to see you happy. And if I can contribute to your happiness in any way, I am going to do it, come Hell or high water." Kensi smiled. Even when she wanted to selflessly help him, he turned it back to her happiness.
"Deeks, you are doing a fine job. I haven't felt this free, this open, in years. You have been able to heal so many old wounds without even knowing it. Let me do the same for you. Let me return the favor."
"I trust you." Three words that meant he was letting her in. Three words that could lead to so many places in their relationship. Three words that represented what she wanted to hear the most.
I love you.