"Just hold on ten minutes," the EMT begged.
"I can't," Alex gasped. "I can't."
"We have to keep her airway clear," the EMT said. "Get behind her, and let her push against you," he instructed Olivia.
Olivia stripped off her leather jacket, and positioned herself carefully behind Alex, holding her in her arms.
"I'm right here, I'm right here baby. You're doing great, Lex, you're doing great," Olivia held her closely. "That's it, baby, keep pushing. The shoulders are almost out, honey. Push, one more time, Alexandra, keep pushing. Good girl, good girl, good girl," Olivia cried, as a small bundle slid into the EMT's waiting hands.
"Okay, that's it. The baby's out," the EMT smiled.
"It's a girl," Olivia tried to keep herself in check. "It's a girl, Alex." She watched as the EMT passed the tiny child to her bruised and battered wife.
Alex could barely speak as she cradled their daughter.
Olivia guided her to lie down again, but then her blood ran cold as she saw Alex turn white and go limp.
"What's happening?" Olivia demanded.
"BP is crashing. She needs O2 and more fluids. Keep the baby warm," he instructed, as Olivia took their newborn child into her arms, and wrapped a space blanket around her. She watched, horrified, as the EMT administered epi to her wife. "Patient is coding," he spoke into the radio.
In minutes, all hell had broken loose. They had arrived at the hospital, and Alex was whisked off down the corridor, surrounded by medical staff.
Before she knew what had happened, Olivia found herself in the pediatric wing. A kindly nurse set her down on a soft chair. "We're just going to check her out," she said. "May I take her?"
Olivia just stared.
"The baby. We just need to run a few checks. All routine. We'll do them all in here, you can stay with her."
Olivia nodded. "My wife," finally she found her voice.
"She's being taken care of. They're going to call me right away, as soon as anyone knows anything. Let's just get this one all fixed up, so that she's ready to meet her mommy when she comes out of the operating theater."
Olivia nodded, and allowed the nurse to take the baby, though she was very glad that she never left her sight.
After ten minutes, the nurse smiled. "Well, she's a beauty. And she's as healthy as a horse. She's a little small, but then she should have been baking for a few more weeks," she teased. "She's 5lb13oz, and she's totally healthy. And I know I shouldn't say it, but she is the most beautiful baby I've seen in a long time. Her mommy's a stunner too, I'll bet."
Olivia tried to smile. She nodded.
"So, you want to give your daughter her first bath?" the nurse offered. "Here, change your top first," she passed her a set of scrubs.
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Olivia was ushered to a private room, together with her newborn daughter. "I still haven't heard," the nurse said. "So I'm going down there now, to check out what's happening. Stay there with your daughter, I'll be right back."
Olivia sat, stunned and wordless, in the chair in the room. She noticed that there was a plastic crib, and also a space for a bed to be wheeled into.
Five minutes later, the door opened, admitting Sarah and Jay. Jay stood back tactfully as Sarah kissed Olivia softly on the cheek. "How is Alex?"
Olivia shook her head. "Waiting to hear," she whispered.
"And this?" Sarah smiled as she looked down at the small baby nestled in Olivia's arms.
Olivia looked at her, and looked back at the baby. She touched the baby's cheek very softly. "Our daughter," her voice was barely audible. "She's perfect."
Sarah squeezed her hand, unable to grasp the breadth of emotion that Olivia was feeling at that very moment. The door opened, and the nurse came back in. She was smiling. She knelt by Olivia's knee, and put a comforting hand on her arm. "She's going to be fine," she said. "They have her stabilized, and they're pretty sure they know where the bleeding is. They've got her under, and she's being fixed up right now. They say she's in no danger. She's going to be alright. She'll be out of surgery in under an hour, and once she's out of recovery, they'll bring her up here."
Olivia opened her mouth to thank her, but instead let out a sob. Sarah put an arm around her shoulders, holding her as she wept.
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Almost an hour later, Jay's phone beeped. She read the text. "They found your phone at the scene," she told Olivia. "Jerry brought it to the hospital, thought you might need it. I'll just go get it, be right back."
"Thank you," Olivia whispered.
Sarah eyed Olivia anxiously. The older woman had barely spoken. In fact, the only movement from her was to rock the baby gently, and whisper softly to her. But Sarah realized that Olivia was really only just holding on. She wouldn't be able to relax until Alex was out of surgery, and with her.
Jay returned shortly with the phone, which she passed to Olivia. Olivia gave her a small smile in gratitude. She looked down, and realized she had an email. One-handed, she opened the email.
Dear Olivia and Alex,
I wrote this email several months ago, when Wheels and I decided that I should be allowed to leave her with my dignity – and her memories – still intact.
I am sending it now because, from tomorrow, I will be refusing further treatment. My beloved Wheels supports me in my decision, though she doesn't yet know that tomorrow will be the day. I know that she will be devastated, but I also trust – and know – that she will support me as she has throughout the whole of my illness.
I have had a wonderful life, and I feel strangely calm and happy about my decision. I have a wonderful doctor who has promised to do her best to ensure that my last few days will be as pain-free and dignified as possible. And I am in the hugely privileged position of knowing that I shall die in the arms of my wonderful wife. We should all be so lucky.
But this is not about me. It's about Wheels. She has no idea I have written this, and as soon as I send it, I will delete it. I would be grateful if you don't tell her about this email.
You see, I am worried about her. She has been my rock, my backbone. She has never faltered, even when I knew that my plans were ripping her apart. She is the most selfless person that I know. But I worry what she will do when I am gone. I fear she believes she will have nothing to live for.
So I have concocted a plan, which I hope will stop her doing anything stupid. It should work, I hope, for a year at least. And I pray that when that year is up, she will have found that living without my physical presence is still possible.
I have written a letter to her, to tell her that I don't want any funeral at all. But, in a year's time, I want her to take my ashes and scatter them in the Hudson River in New York. Our first kiss was in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty, you see.
I know that Wheels will do this for me. What I ask of you, if you can, is to remind her that there is still life to be lived after that year is up. She adores Lily. If you could invite her to come and see her from time to time – as well as your new baby – I will be for ever grateful. I am just sorry I'm not going to live to see the first pictures of the new Baby Benson. But I know that he or she will be beautiful, and that you will be wonderful parents, just as you are already with Lily.
I know this is asking a great deal of you. I hope you don't mind me asking? That's one of the liberating things about dying, you lose all your inhibitions.
It has been a privilege to know you all, and getting to know your precious family so late in life has been a total joy.
Please know that I am happy; my only concern is for Wheels, my sweet Helen who has been everything to me – and always will be.
All my love,
May
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"Oh God," Olivia gasped, holding the baby closer to her.
Sarah looked at her, shocked at her pale face. Olivia handed her the phone mutely.
When she had read the message, she took Olivia's spare hand and squeezed it tightly. She couldn't think of anything to say, so she said nothing. She passed the phone over to Jay, who was wondering what had gotten them both so emotional.
After reading the email, and blinking back her own tears, Jay stood up. "Sit close," she said softly, smiling as Sarah snuggled up to Olivia and the new baby. "I'm going to take a photo, for you to send to her and Wheels. Is that okay?"
"It's perfect," Olivia whispered. She moved the blanket a little, so that the baby's face was more visible. The baby whimpered slightly, so Olivia dropped a tender kiss on her forehead. Jay took a snap, smiling when she saw it.
She wrote a text message to accompany the picture, which she showed to Sarah and Olivia. "Is this okay?"
Dear Wheels and May. Our baby daughter is three hours old, and she's perfect and beautiful. Alex is having a small operation, but she's going to be fine. We all send our love. Olivia xxx
"That's perfect. No, wait," she said. "I was going to talk to Alex, but she said she wanted me to name the baby, like she named Lily. And I want to call her Maisie, so when we use her name, we'll think of May and we'll smile. Tell them her name's Maisie."
"Maisie Olivia," Jay said softly. "Alex told me that Olivia would be her middle name."
Olivia started to sob gently.
"She will be okay," Sarah said softly.
"I know. I just want to be with her."
"You will be soon. She'll be here within the hour, I'm sure," Sarah reassured her.
"How about this?" Jay read out the text message.
Dear Wheels and May. Our baby daughter Maisie Olivia Benson is three hours old, and she's perfect and beautiful. Alex is having a small operation, but she's going to be fine. We all send our love. Olivia xxx
Olivia nodded, as she tried to pull herself together.
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Forty minutes later, the door opened, and Olivia thought her heart would explode as Alex was wheeled into the room.
"She's still unconscious," the nurse said. "But she should start to wake up soon." She saw Olivia's white face. "She's fine. They found the bleed and stopped it easily. She has a greenstick fracture in her left leg, and she's bruised and battered. But she's okay. You don't have to worry. The doctor will be in later to give you all the details."
"Can I touch her?" Olivia whispered.
"Of course," the nurse said. "You can put the baby on her if you want, as long as you make sure she's safe. Skin to skin is good for the bonding process."
Very gently, Olivia loosened Alex's scrubs top and, unbuttoning Maisie's onesie, she laid the child on Alex's front, keeping a hand in place to make sure the baby was secure. With her other hand, she took up Alex's limp hand, lacing their fingers together and kissing them softly.
Silently, Jay took Sarah's hand and led her out of the room. "We should give them a moment," she said, as they reached the corridor. "Let's go get some coffee."
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Less than an hour later, Maisie began to stir and, as she did so, Olivia felt Alex's fingers twitching in her own. Alex whimpered slightly. She turned her head, and cranked open one eye, seeing Olivia's concerned and loving face. "Hey," she croaked.
"Hey," Olivia said softly, not bothering to wipe away her tears.
Alex felt a warm pressure on her chest; she looked down, and saw her daughter snuggling into her. "Oh …," she was overcome. "Liv?" she rested a shaking hand on the child's back. "Is...?"
"Yes, sweetheart. This is our beautiful baby girl. She's fine, Alex. They've checked her out, and she's perfect, in every way. Hey," she saw Alex's face crumple. "It's okay, sweetheart. She really is fine. And you're gonna be okay too. You're just a bit beat up. But it's nothing serious. You'll be out of here in a week or so. And we'll take our baby girl home with us."
"Lily?" Alex croaked.
"With Carolyn. It's nearly 10pm, she should be asleep. But she knows she has a baby sister, and she's coming in tomorrow morning to see her, and to see you. Hey, sweetie," Olivia used her thumb to swipe at Alex's tears. "It's all over now."
"I want to see her properly," Alex gestured to the baby, and then coughed.
"Here," Olivia held out a glass of water, with a straw. Very tenderly, she took the baby from Alex. She then reached out and pressed the button on the bed, raising its head a little, so that Alex was almost sitting. Cradling their child, she sat on the bed next to Alex, and very gently passed her over, so that she was fully in Alex's arms. The baby mewled a little, and pressed her face into Alex's front, primal instinct taking over as she searched out Alex's breast.
"Is it safe?" Alex asked.
"It is," Olivia said. "I asked the nurse, and she said that as soon as you woke up, the drugs would be at such a low level they wouldn't hurt her. You want to try nursing?"
Alex nodded, tears in her eyes. "Help me?" she asked Olivia.
Olivia smiled. "Like you helped me," she said softly, pulling her scrubs to the side so her plump nipple was fully exposed. "This is supposed to be easier, with smaller breasts. Just stroke the side of her cheek and … there," Olivia was overwhelmed as their daughter clamped her tiny mouth over Alex's nipple, and started to suckle. She looked up, to see Alex was crying too.
Olivia cupped Alex's cheek, and kissed her deeply and tenderly. "I don't think I have ever loved you as much as I do this very minute," she said as she pulled back.
Alex let her fingers trail gently over the baby's fine, blonde hair.
"She looks just like you," Olivia said. "She's so beautiful."
"Do you have a name?" Alex asked.
"I'd like to call her Maisie," Olivia knew that Alex had been through too much to know about May's email just yet. "What do you think?"
"Maisie Olivia Benson," Alex said softly, as she looked at their child. "I think that's perfect. Nonna was right," she smiled at Olivia. "We had a girl, and she's perfect."
"I'm so sorry," Olivia's voice trembled.
"Sorry?"
"About how it happened. I know that was terrible. You were so brave."
"I didn't need to be brave. I had you with me. That's all I've ever needed," Alex yawned. Olivia helped her shift Maisie to her other side.
Within ten minutes, Maisie had had her fill, and Alex too was out for the count. Tenderly, Olivia took the baby from her wife, and changed her diaper. Even that didn't wake the slumbering child.
Olivia knew that she should put Maisie into her crib, but she couldn't bring herself to let go of her. She was so small, so precious. And the day had been so traumatic. As she looked down into the child's face, she was reminded how tenuous life could be, and she was overwhelmed once more with sorrow for May and for Wheels. "You're going to have the best life," she whispered to Maisie. "Your mommy and I will make sure of it. We're going to take the best care of you. And you're going to love your big sister. You'll meet her tomorrow. She's going to be so happy to meet you. Sleep, my angel. We love you so much."