A/N: No more updates until about Friday (Thursday for US). Year 11 camp this week!
Disclaimer: I don't own CM.
The week leading up to the funeral, JJ had refused to leave the bedroom. Instead, she had lain in the dark, grieving Will's death.
After the funeral, she pulled herself together enough to face getting up each day. Henry was constantly patting her knee and telling her not to be sad...which in turn led to more tears. Sandy had opted to stay in DC with JJ until she was sure that she was going to be ok on her own, and had become a sturdy support system for her broken hearted daughter.
At that point on Monday afternoon, JJ was curled up on the outdoor lounge chair while Henry napped inside. The sun was shining brightly and the day was warm. Absently, JJ played with Will's wedding ring as she gazed up at the clear blue sky.
"What do you think about havin' kids someday?" Will asked suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence that had hung over them as they lay in one of JJ's lounge chairs. JJ was lying back against his chest while he gently played with her hair.
"Will! We've only been together for six months!" JJ exclaimed, sitting up and turning to face him. Will grinned, shrugging.
"I know, cher, but I'm just thinkin' ahead," he offered up. JJ half smiled, realising what he meant.
"You mean you can see us having a future together?" she asked gently.
"And you don't?" Will replied, looking somewhat upset. JJ hastily covered herself.
"No, no, that's not what I meant!" she exclaimed hurriedly. "What I mean to say is...you actually want to have a future...with me?"
Will gave her his lazy smile, which she loved, pulling her into his arms. "I know you're insecure about relationships...but who wouldn't want a future with you? You're the sweetest, smartest, and most beautiful woman I've ever met. I love you, JJ, and that's never going to change," he promised, kissing the top of her head, the sweet smell of her strawberry shampoo hitting his senses.
JJ smiled as she lay back in his arms. The thought of having a future with Will...carrying his children...yeah, that didn't sound so bad.
JJ was broken from her reverie when someone tapped her shoulder. Looking to her right, she found her mother standing beside her with two cups of coffee in her hands.
"Thanks," she said softly, taking the one Sandy was holding out to her. Holding it between her hands, she took a long sip of the hot beverage. Staring down at the brown substance in the mug, she took a deep breath.
"How do I do this? How do I go about my everyday life when I feel like my whole world is about to come crashing down?" she asked honestly, looking up at her mother. Sandy put her cup down on the small table between the chairs, sitting forward and gently taking one of JJ's hands between her own.
"You live your life from now for Henry. You live it for you," she said gently.
"How do I live it for myself when I feel like most of me died with Will?" JJ countered.
"I know how incredibly hard this is, Jen. Trust me, I felt the same way when your father died. I'm not going to lie to you, it is very hard to get past the pain, the grieving...but one day, sometime in the future, the pain will be nonexistent, and you'll be able to think about Will without hurting. In the meantime, you have to hold your head high, cherish the happy memories you made with Will, and try to see that, despite the fact that he's gone, there is still light...still happiness. It'll take some time, but you'll find a way to cope with the grief," Sandy explained gently. JJ nodded, pressing her lips together tightly as her fingers sought out the ring on the chain around her neck. Noticing that her mother was watching her closely, she lifted the ring, holding it out for her mother to see clearly.
"It helps...having it so close. It was his symbol of love for me...and just having it with me makes it feel as though a part of him is still here...his love for me is still here," she explained softly. Sandy moved over to sit beside her daughter, putting her arms around her and pulling her into a hug.
"Those sorts of feelings will help you in the long run. In the meantime, I'm here for you. Whenever you want to talk, have a shoulder to cry on...you come to me. No-one does that better than your own mother, right?" she chided playfully. JJ responded with a watery smile, nodding in agreement.
"Right," she agreed, wiping away at the tears that had begun to form in her eyes.
"I'm going to go and get some groceries for you-"
"Mom, you don't have to do that-"
"Jen, I know that what you want right now is to curl up at home and try to deal with your emotions. Grocery shopping is not going to help that," Sandy scolded lightly. JJ nodded, picking up the two cups of coffee and following her mother inside.
"Want anything in particular?" Sandy asked as JJ rinsed the mugs and set them on the drainer.
"A big jar of Nutella," JJ mumbled.
"Comfort food?"
JJ nodded. Damn, her mother knew her well.
"Alright. I'll be back soon"
With a jangle of keys, the slam of the front door, and a roar of a car engine, Sandy was gone, leaving JJ and Henry alone in the house that now felt so much bigger.
As she stood in the kitchen, her arms wrapped tightly around her body as she hugged herself, JJ heard Henry rousing from his nap. Moving silently towards his bedroom, she pushed the door open to find her little angel curled up under his blankets, his blue eyes foggy with sleep.
"Hey little man. Did you have a good sleep?" she asked softly, crossing the room and sitting down on the edge of his bed.
"Uh huh," Henry started to say, but was cut off by his tummy rumbling loudly. He giggled, making JJ laugh properly for the first time since Will died. She'd heard all these 'miracle' stories before, where widows wouldn't smile or laugh for years after their husband died, but then something amazing would happen that would make them smile.
All she needed was her precious little angel to make her laugh.
"Your tummy has made itself known. Let's get something to eat, yeah?" JJ suggested. Henry nodded, slipping his hand into hers as she led him from the room.
Climbing up on the counter stool, Henry leant on the counter on his elbows as JJ stood on the other side.
"What would you like?" she asked. Henry pondered for a moment, pressing the tip of his finger to his chin as he looked up at the ceiling. JJ had to smile at the gorgeous expression.
"Can I have some of Daddy's favourite dip?" he finally asked. JJ nodded, moving to the fridge and grabbing the container of French Onion dip and the container of carrot and celery sticks. Removing the lids, she placed both in front of Henry, watching as he grabbed a carrot and dug it into the cold savoury substance.
"How the hell can you eat that stuff? It stinks," JJ laughed as Will stood at the kitchen counter with the French Onion dip and some crackers.
"Easy. It tastes amazin'," he replied with a grin, taking an exaggerated bite from a loaded cracker. JJ wrinkled her nose; she couldn't stand the smell of French Onion dip. It really got to her.
"You know what else tastes amazin'?" Will asked, putting the snack down and moving around the counter towards her.
"What?" JJ replied, taking a step backwards.
"You," Will said seductively, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her towards him.
"You are not kissing me when you've been eating that stuff," JJ laughed, trying to pull away. Will captured her lips in a deep kiss, grinning when she pulled away.
"Will! Gross!" she shrieked, laughing as he kissed her neck feverishly, trying to push him away. "Aha!...Will! Stop!" she giggled as he walked them back towards the couch. With a low growl in her ear, Will spun them around so that they landed on the couch.
French Onion dip aside, JJ was lost for wards as he worked magic on her body, more than happy to oblige to an afternoon of making love on the couch.
As the smell wafted towards her, JJ noticed it was more distinct than she remembered.
So was the memory.
Whirling around, she leant over the sink and violently expelled the contents of her stomach into the basin, tears streaming down her face as she remembered that afternoon on the couch.
Coughing, she took a step backwards, only to have her legs give out underneath her. Collapsing back against the cupboards, she hastily tried to wipe away her tears.
"Mommy!" Henry cried out, leaping off the stool and running to her.
And with his heart of pure gold and personality like his father, he reached out with his little fingers and gently wiped away the tears that were making tracks down his mother's cheeks.
"I love you, Henry," JJ whispered, pulling him into her lap.
"I yuv you too," Henry replied, curling up and burying his face in the crook of her neck. "It's gonna be ok," he whispered, remembering what his daddy had told him when Izzy came to their house.
"I know buddy. I know," JJ whispered back, stroking his soft blonde hair as they sat there on the kitchen floor, beginning to come to terms with their terrible loss.