What If
Chapter Five – Fighting Feelings with Catastrophic Consequences
After a day of sick leave Cameron knew that avoiding House wasn't going to do either of them any good. Plus, she was getting tetchy and bored just sitting at home and was sure that if Andrew knew how many times she'd gone out running in one day he'd get his concerned face again. She ran when she was stressed and she ran when she had too much on her mind to think about. But she also ran when she was simply bored. Due to her disjointed behavior that morning she knew he wouldn't buy the "I really was just bored!" line.
So as the alarm clock announced its six thirty wake-up call, she dragged herself out of bed and into the shower, filled partly with dread and partly with anticipation for what the day would bring. House didn't know Wilson had told her everything, so if she acted like she was blissfully unaware of his sweeping confessions, then it would be easier for everyone involved. House would no doubt feel cornered if he knew she was aware of his feelings for her. And it would probably cause a lot of friction between him and Wilson too, so she was better just keeping her mouth shut.
Andrew had tried to persuade her to take another day off because she "still wasn't herself" but she gently yet firmly assured him she was fine. She knew he was expecting her to suddenly break down and blurt out she was pregnant or something, due to her distracted and distant behavior, like she had when she'd told him she was pregnant with Elle. But it wasn't going to happen this time.
"I'll see you later."
She managed a sunny smile and attentive kiss as well as a cuddle with Elle before she left for work that morning. She could tell he was still suspicious that something was amiss by the slight frown on his face as he and Elle waved her off at the door.
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A sort of relief washed over her as she drove away from the house, leaving the suffocating confines behind her. Wilson's words from the afternoon before were going over and over in her head, but she knew she had to get rid of them before she got to the hospital.
House could read people disturbingly well and she'd be given away the second she walked through the door if she was still being haunted by them. He'd take one look in her eyes and know; she didn't doubt it. That scared her somewhat, because things could get a hell of a lot more complicated if this all blew up.
She hadn't been in the office half an hour when House turned up. Chase and Foreman hadn't turned in yet and she was more than surprised House was within 100 yards of the hospital at 9:00am. But she was also kind of relieved…it could have been more than awkward if her co-workers were privy to this...whatever it was between them.
"Cameron…"
He said as way of greeting, giving an almost imperceptible nod and making a beeline for his office. She knew now was the best time to get the impending conversation out of the way, when she wasn't accompanied by the guys. He wasn't going to be willing to talk about it; she knew that much, but for both of their sakes it had to be dealt with. Otherwise it'd only build up and cause tension between them. She desperately didn't want that, and she wasn't sure why it mattered so much to her…
"House…I think we need to-"
"Wow, fifteen seconds, I'm impressed. Figured you'd be in here before I even had chance to sit down."
She levelled a steady gaze on him, knowing full well he was going to do all he could to avoid talking about feeling, and she wasn't willing to back down.
"We need to talk."
When he didn't reply, she walked closer to his desk, awkwardly wondering if she should sit down or stay standing or…pace? No matter, it wasn't going to change what had to be said, so she sat down, nerves running through her and causing her to knot her fingers together in anticipation.
"Wilson came to see me last night."
House's head shot up and their eyes met for a moment, before his surprised expression was quickly replaced with the usual vacant nonchalance he carefully maintained.
"Nobody likes a snitch."
He said flatly, scowl on his face as he held her eye contact unwaveringly. She had to fight the undeniable urge to back down, to just let this go and retreat to safer topics. But she couldn't.
"He told me I'm the reason you broke up with Stacy. That's not true…is it?"
She was hoping for him to deny it, to mock her for 'flattering herself' and laugh her out of his office. But the silence that remained between them made her stomach twist into knots. It was true. What Wilson had told her, it was all true. And it was almost too much to take. But she'd had all last night for it to sink in, so she managed to keep control of herself.
"Cameron…"
"You cannot put this on me, House. I won't let you destroy my marriage, and my life along with it. I love my husband."
"Yeah and if you keep telling yourself that then maybe you'll be able to convince yourself as well as me."
She opened her mouth to reply but she couldn't find her voice. He'd struck a nerve. He knew it, judging by the look on his face. Anger coursed through her. How dare he look pleased when he'd just torn open a tender wound she thought she'd managed to hide well. She did love her husband; it just wasn't like it used to be. She didn't get butterflies when he kissed her anymore and she desperately wished she did. She desperately wished this wasn't spiraling out of control right before her eyes.
She stood up suddenly, knocking the chair backwards, and he looked up at her, never letting his gaze waver, challenging her. Landing a stinging slap to his cheek, a flush creeping over her own, she left hastily. She should have known he'd pull the right strings to break her.
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She'd barely been in the women's restroom three minutes when he was stood at the door. His jaw was tensed and she faltered slightly. She'd slapped her boss, hard. And in the lists of "How to Keep Your Job", that did not appear anywhere. He looked pissed, righteously so. But there was something else there too.
In all honesty, the disbelief he'd felt wash over him as the air settled following her hasty exit had been replaced with a mixture of anger and arousal. The way she'd flushed and been at a loss for words…he loved seeing her like that. He loved winding her up, just to let her go. He'd made her stumble and act impulsively, which was kind of a turn on to him.
"Most people around here would get fired if they slapped their boss like that."
He commented, the gravelly quality of his voice making her retreat slightly. He continued to move closer though, until he was towering over her, so close he could smell her perfume. As though she wasn't intoxicating enough to him. She refused to look up at him, keeping her head bowed. Most likely she was frightened of a repeat performance of their forbidden kiss if she raised her eyes.
He always got what he wanted, but she was more of a challenge than he was used to. If he wanted Cuddy, there was nothing to stop him. She'd give in, he knew that. But Cameron was a bit of a mystery – the sadness in her eyes he longed to figure out – and she was unattainable. That was definitely part of the attraction. But he could see there was a spark between them and that's why he'd resolved not to back down.
He'd struggled with himself and stayed awake all night thinking about her. If he broke that small piece of perfection – though he knew she was far from perfect – he wasn't sure he'd forgive himself. It actually terrified him because he never usually worried about feeling guilty for anything, certainly not for hurting other people. But what had really held him back was the idea that she might hurt him. If she broke his heart, would he ever trust another person with it? As much as he put on the façade, he didn't really want to spend his life alone.
"What do you want from me?"
Her voice was soft, tentative, with nervousness lacing the edges and causing her to tremble slightly, he could see. His proximity was unnerving her. But that's how he liked it. He pushed her to the limit until she reacted on impulse, until she hit out – though it wasn't usually in the literal sense – and he figured out a little more of her puzzle each time.
"Why would you think I want something from you?"
She looked up at him sharply, confusion evident in her expression. And he took that opportunity to crash his lips down to hers. It wasn't a gentle kiss like the first had been. This was rough and demanding with lots of tongue, his stubble stinging her cheek. She'd cried out in surprise into the kiss, but she didn't push him away. The desire for him that had been building up since the last time was taking over her and she hated herself for being unable to control this. It was terrifyingly confusing, both arousal and guilt coursing through every inch of her. They were in a very public place – anyone could walk into the women's restroom and find them – but that only spurred on her primal urge to keep his lips connected with hers.
She tried to weakly tell him to stop. She didn't have the strength (or, partly, the inclination) to push him away herself so she prayed he would do the right thing. Tears were filling up behind her closed eyes and she felt her back hit something solid. Opening her eyes quickly, she found he'd maneuvered them into a stall and her heart skipped. She couldn't let this go any further. Pulling back from him, she brought her fingers to her lips and dropped her gaze to the floor.
"Why did you do that?"
"Why did you kiss back?"
He replied instantly, as though he'd been expecting that question. She blinked back tears. She couldn't answer that question. She didn't know why she'd kissed him back, and why the desire to kiss him again was already making her heart speed up even more. She turned slightly, physically breaking the ability for it to happen so easily.
"Just answer me, House. For once in your life answer a simple question honestly."
He looked as though he was on the verge of doing so after a long few moments, but the sound of the restroom door opening broke the moment.
"House? House, I know you're in here, the janitor gave you away. Why the hell are you in the women's restroom?"
House closed his eyes in exasperation as his best friend's voice bounced off the four walls that trapped them in. This was not going to be easy to explain. Cameron's expression was of pure horror and mortification as she covered her face with her hands.
"I want some alone time, okay? Is that too much for a man to ask?"
House put on an overly-dramatic tone, avoiding the question as he tried to come up with reasons why he and Cameron would be in a stall together. It was made considerably harder by the fact that Wilson knew what was going on between House and Cameron, or at the least, he was aware of the sexual tension and the predicament they were in.
"I dread the answer to this but…is Cameron with you?"
"No, why would she be?"
House replied, a little too quickly and Cameron sat down on the closed lid of the toilet, head in her hands. She heard Wilson sigh on the other side of the door.
"Quit the games, ok? You're messing with her and it's for no other reason than to entertain yourself. She's married and that actually means something to her. You might think it's a load of crap but give her a break, ok?"
House turned, raised eyebrow and challenging smirk on his face, to look at Cameron who felt the guilt multiply by a hundred. Wilson was right. Her marriage did mean something to her. So why did House seem to wipe all that away just by standing too close? How could he make her doubt her love for Andrew just by kissing her? It was frightening.
"I'm not leaving until you come out."
Wilson said defiantly when House remained quiet.
House and Cameron exchanged glances before he reluctantly reached for the latch of the stall and he stepped out to face his best friend. Wilson instantly peered into the stall and looked mildly shocked when he saw Cameron there.
House couldn't bring himself to meet Wilson's accusatory glare. He clearly blamed him for Cameron's current complicated situation, which was fair enough. But she'd kissed back. So much for the pretty picture of a perfect marriage she seemed to like to paint.
"It's not just House's fault."
Cameron said softly, finding it hard to look up at Wilson. She didn't want to see the disappointment there. Out of everyone, he trusted her not to be led astray, to fall for House and cheat on her husband. She had too much compassion and empathy; she felt the guilt too keenly. Yet somehow House made her want to forgo and forget consequences, to seize the moment. He gave her the butterflies she was missing in her marriage. But it was no excuse. She'd made a promise when she'd married Andrew. And this marked the end of it. She'd give up her job if she had to. If transferring to the other side of the country would end this viscous circle, then so be it.
"I-I…have to go."
She didn't even wait to hear what they had to say – in all honesty she didn't want to hear it – and was out of the door and down the corridor within seconds. She needed space to think about all this. If he was going to put her in that kind of situation, she needed out. But she needed to talk to Andrew about the possibility of moving away first…and that would involve horrible confessions coming to light.
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When she got home Andrew was still at work. The quiet of an empty home was comforting, but at the same time terrifying. This is what it could be like if all this went wrong. If she continued down the road she was on…she'd end up alone, she was sure of that. She'd lose Andrew, the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she'd never forgive herself enough to let House into her life again. This wouldn't only affect her life though. She had Elle to think about in this equation too.
House didn't want that kind of baggage, she was sure. His selfish desires only figured her into it, ignoring the fact that she was a mother and wife. He didn't care who got hurt, she'd seen that in practice, so there was no way he'd have thought about what this would mean for their situation if it all blew up, right?
Sitting down on the sofa, she allowed herself to get lost in her thoughts. Usually it was dangerous territory she tended to stay away from. Too much thinking and dwelling never ended well and she'd just hate herself more when the gravity of the predicament settled in.
After about half an hour, there was a knock on the door and her heart skipped a few beats. She prayed it was Andrew, not wanting to face House, or Wilson for that matter, right now. So, as quietly as possible, she made her way to the door and peered through the peephole. House was stood there tapping his cane impatiently and she closed her eyes in frustration, pleading silently that he would turn and leave.
"Cameron, sweetheart," he said with as much sarcasm as he could possibly muster, "I know you're in there."
Feeling the anxiety that was becoming far too familiar far too fast, her hands clenched and unclenched. Waiting a few minutes and holding her breath, she looked again and saw him still stood there, a defiant and determined look on his face. He wasn't going to leave. And she was here alone, far too vulnerable for her own liking after the earlier incident.
"Go away, House. I don't want to talk to you right now."
She said through the door, loud enough for him to hear clearly, whilst watching his reaction.
"You've proven you can't resist me, you know you're going to end up letting me in. So why bother putting this off?"
His words stung because she knew he was right. If she was going to open the door to him though, she needed distance. She was still far too raw and conflicted in regards to her feelings for him.
Stalling a few more seconds and trying to stead her shaking hands, she unlatched the door and opened it, stepping back to put some much-needed space between them as he pushed it open further with his cane.
"Such hospitality."
He smirked, shaking his head as he shut the door behind himself.
"You can't keep doing this. You can't put me in that position again, House, I mean it."
"You didn't seem to be complaining before. In fact, I distinctly remember you doing quite the opposite."
He smirked and she felt her cheeks flush. Turning away from him to hide her own embarrassment, she fought to regain her composure. She wouldn't do this any more, she kept telling herself over and over. She'd tell him he had to back off or she'd be gone before he realised what had happened.
"I-if you don't back off," she said shakily, hating herself for not sounding in the least bit sure of herself, "I'll leave. It's not a threat, it's a promise. I'm not just protecting myself here; I have my family to think about. You don't care about anyone's feelings but your own…but I do. You need to leave me alone."
She hoped that some of this was getting through to him, but as usual nothing was given away on his face. He was far too good at keeping his thoughts and feelings hidden.
"What if I don't want to?"
He asked as he closed the space she'd managed to put between them. She backed up, shaking her head firmly. She wouldn't let him control this situation. This was her turf.
"I don't care what you want, this isn't just about you. I'm not yours and I'm not going to be yours. I don't care what you think of my marriage either, because it's none of your business. I love Andrew, despite what you may think. And I don't need you coming in here and trying to destroy it all, like you always do."
There was a smirk tugging at his lips and it infuriated her. Did he think this was a joke? Did he think her words really meant so little and she'd just do as he wanted regardless? He was wrong. He was closer to her now but she was fighting the desire he created so easily. Her will-power was stronger than he realized when she put her mind to something.
His hands were on her shoulders and he was trying to psych her out, to find the weakness in her and get her to break in his hands. She clenched her jaw and stared straight back at him, almost a challenge to try it, because she would fight him. She wasn't going to let him ruin her marriage.
Trailing his hands down her arms painfully slowly, she couldn't stop the cold bumps from rising at his touch, but she still kept her expression neutral and unaffected. He was leaning closer but she refused to move. His lips were so close and he was daring her to kiss him, tormenting her in the fact he didn't believe she could resist him. But he was mistaken. Her lips tightened into a thin line and she glared coldly back at him, ignoring the delicious sensations his closeness was creating in her stomach. He let his lips ghost over hers, a kiss but not a kiss, and pulled her closer to him but she refused to respond, turning her head away from him and pushing her hands firmly against his chest.
But in the split second their lips had connected, the front door had opened and Andrew had walked in…stopping dead when he saw his wife and her boss in a somewhat…unprofessional position. He couldn't believe what he was seeing and his eyes traveled from House to Cameron quickly. She looked startled at his sudden entrance, which didn't help in the least.
"What the hell is going on?"
He asked, managing to keep his voice calm whilst all sorts of scenarios were rushing through his mind. What had he interrupted? Was this why Allison had seemed so distracted lately? Could it really be something completely innocent he'd walked in on, when he'd seen their kiss, with House's hands gripping her wrists and her looking so…guilty?
With her senses quickly returning, she wrenched her hands out of House's grip and turned away, furious with both House and herself that this was unraveling so chaotically already.
"Go on, Allison. Tell him this 'isn't what it looks like'. It was completely innocent, really."
The tone of House's voice and the smirk on his face did nothing to ease the tension in the room and Andrew looked accusingly at House.
"Get out. I don't care why you're here, just get out."
House shrugged, not bothering to look back at Cameron as he limped toward the door and passed Andrew without so much as a snarky comment. Tears were pricking at Cameron's eyes as she heard the door shut behind House. Her arms wrapped around herself, guilt and dread flooding every one of her senses, she kept her back to Andrew and stared straight out of the window.
The silence was almost unbearable.
"Are you gonna tell me what that was? 'Cause it sure as hell didn't look like ordinary employer-employee contact."
"Nothing is going on, Andrew. I swear to you, he likes playing games. He messes with people's lives for fun."
She replied weakly, closing her eyes and wishing none of this had ever happened, cursing herself for giving in and going to pick House up that fateful night.
"You expect me to believe that was 'nothing'? You were making out with him, Allison!"
She spun to face him, her cheeks glowing with shame and indignation.
"I was not, Andrew! I did not kiss him!"
She realized as soon as the words passed her lips that she'd just made things worse. Her husband's eyes narrowed and he studied her carefully.
"So he kissed you then? Is that what you're saying? You're so completely innocent in all of this that you didn't push him away before he kissed you?"
When she didn't reply, unable to lie to him like she had the day before, she simply dropped her gaze and allowed the guilt she knew she deserved to feel well up inside her.
"Have you slept with him too?"
He asked callously and she looked up at him sharply, horrified by the accusation.
"How dare you accuse me of that!"
"Well, what else am I supposed to think, huh, Allison?"
His words stung and she couldn't believe all this was happening when just a week ago they were happy in their routine day-to-day life together.
"I…I wouldn't do that to you, you know that!"
"I'm not sure of anything now. Is Elle really mine, or is this affair a new thing?"
She wanted to land a sharp slap to her husband's face in that instant, but she reminded herself that he was the victim in this whole disaster. He was being irrational - there was no possible way Elle could be House's child and really he knew that. But the accusation was as painful as a knife in her gut.
"You're unbelievable! I can't believe you'd really ask that! I'm going to leave until you calm down, because I'm not going to discuss this with you when you're accusing me of things I haven't done."
She managed to keep her voice calm, which apparently only stirred the fury Andrew was feeling. As she made for the door, he cut her off and the rage in his eyes scared her a little bit. She knew he'd never hurt her, but she'd never seen that kind of anger in him before.
"You're going to go back to him, I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am. Well, y'know what? Fine! Go to him! I'll just go and sleep with your sister again!"