CHAPTER 3 – Changes –

Down In Albion, they're black and blue
But we don't talk about that
Are you from 'round here?
How do you do?
I'd like to talk about that
Talk over
Gin in teacups
And leaves on the lawn
Violence in bus stops
And the pale thin girl with eyes forlorn

- Babyshambles

THE PRESENT

She sat there. Her untouched food in front her. All those thoughts in her mind. The memories.

'Life…is the most illogical thing there is' she thought.

She saw him today. Sitting outside. He seemed so…disappointed. He seemed unhappy. And she felt guilty. For maybe not being able to give him what he wanted. She just wanted to be with him. It had been a little more than a year since fate had brought them together again and now she would lose him again because she was just a silly 16 year old girl with an impervious mind…oh, and a government trained cyber criminal. Well at least she could help him with that though. Although it never seemed that he distinctively cherished that part of her life.

THE PAST

In Vietnam…she forced her eyes shut…in Vietnam the U.S. Government found out about her being there with her father. Her father grew ill and died after a short time over there. Suddenly, she had nobody left. Of course she had the nurses but they came and went. Soon after her fathers death a man came. A General. He and two other men told her, she would go back to the states and go to a special school there. A school for talented kids like she was one. Her father always wanted to put her in private school after his service in Vietnam. She liked that thought and, being just 6 years old, naively came with the General.

What happened then was years and years of studying, training, private practice, getting punished for not completing horribly difficult assignments and not getting anything for breaking into security systems not even a hacker with years of experience could break into. She learned it all, hacking, obtaining passwords and codes, reprogramming bomb security files, copying secret files…the whole thing. She was perfect.

She could do it all and it wasn't hard. It was just hard to have no one around to play with, to go outside with. Social interaction was always a problem with her…now she had almost none. There were a couple other girls she saw sometimes. There was another girl, her name was Amber. Jamee always knew that was not her real name. They had a name for her too, it was Crystal. It was easy. Those where their eye colors, she figured, but Jamee had one advantage over Amber and that was, that she never forgot her real name. Amber too was brought in young and trained for their purposes. However, she was soon transferred to another building and after that they barely saw each other...sometimes she wondered how she was doing now, but then, she didn't ever want to think about that part of her past again, it made her sick to the core.

She never liked the inside of the hospital. After the people who trained her to be one of the greatest hacker of all times had been captured by the government, Jamee was looking forward to at least a bit of a normal life. What happened then, she'd never thought of. Government physicians and psychiatrists came, questioned her, and put her…in a psychiatric ward of an Army hospital, somewhere in Texas. The hospital knew about her father, and the doctors thought it was best for her to be put there. One thing she didn't think about back then, was that she'd probably have to spend the rest of her life in institutions like these. Her knowledge made her utterly valuable to the government. Every now and then, they'd come, and get her out for a day or two, just to sit her in front of a computer in order to hack systems, find out passwords, and retrieve classified information. She didn't mind though. The people where mostly nice and she got to go outside for a change. There wasn't much she actually minded during that time. She'd grown cold of most her feelings, and learned that, if you keep a smiley face, people will treat you nicer. She did have a couple of bad situations with doctors and nurses, so she tried to do her best to avoid that. Seclusion for nightmares isn't fun after all. The nightmares were the worst. That was when she was reminded of being an orphan in a horrible way. Pictures of her mother and father would haunt her, until she woke up screaming. When she was younger those dreams made her snap out of reality for a while when she awoke. A calming shot from the nurses then was what made her be able to go to sleep again.

Time passed, she got older, the dreams got less and the government provided decent care for her. Despite still having to live in an insane ward, Jamee felt at least taken care of. She got along well with most nurses and avoided the ones with whom she didn't. She was fifteen when the hospital in Texas was shut down due to lack of government funds and the patients had to be transferred to other hospitals. Jamee, for her part, just wanted to go to a hospital her father had once worked in. That was her only goal since she thought it'd make her feel closer to him.

And so it happened. Jamee was transferred to a VA Hospital in Los Angeles. She was excited to go there, to go see Los Angeles again where she had lived the first years of her life. And she was happy to go a hospital where her dad once was head physician. Saying goodbye to her life in Texas, she shared that moment with mixed feelings. While some of the nurses who were really close to her had tears in their eyes upon letting her go, Jamee refused to cry. She had not been crying since her pre-teen days so it wasn't too hard for her not to. She hugged them all and if her mind would've been that of a normal teenage girl she'd have burst in tears, she was sure. Jamee enjoyed the trip. Since she was underage and officially a loony, there was always a nurse by her side sent by the government. She did like being at the airport and flying. Seeing the big city of L.A. slowly giving more and more to see of it through the clouds, and landing at LAX was a slight feeling of coming home to her. She hadn't been this happy for a while, she noticed. At the airport the nurse allowed her to buy a few things since in Texas all her stuff fit in just one box. Jamee was happy that she sometimes got some money from the government when she did a good job on catching yet another IT criminal. And she knew that when she was 18, she'd get half of her parents fortune.

"I just would love to have some new clothes and maybe a couple of books" she said to the nurse, who could not have been older than 25, "I won't take long I promise."

"We arrived on time and still have some time to get to the hospital…also I understand that you might wanna try a new look for living in L.A. now." she winked at her and they both went to get some new clothes and books as Jamee had asked. A newly bought second suitcase to fit the clothes and books and some other stuff later, they made their way to the Taxis and to the hospital.

It was hot and sunny and the hospital seemed about the same size as the one in Texas. Jamee got out of the car and the taxi driver gave her and the nurse the suitcases. There she was. She had arrived. The big doors of the hospital seemed uninviting, but what hospital ever seemed inviting? She imagined her dad, walking in on these stairs every morning when he was going to work. She looked around, heard the birds chirping, some traffic far away and for a strange reason she felt like she could smell the sea. She took in a deep breath, one last time in partial freedom before she'd be handed over to the new staff and into a new kind of captivity. Then she took a suitcase and started going up the stairs.

"Okay, Jamee, we checked everything and you're almost ready now. We'll show you your room and then the doctor would like to have a little talk with you."

Standing at the counter of the nurses station of the psychiatric ward Jamee said goodbye to the government nurse, whose name was Emma she'd learned.

"You're a special young Lady" Emma said "take good care of yourself."

"Thanks for everything Emma." Jamee said and they shook hands.

"Now Jamee will you please follow me, here I'll give you a hand with your other suitcase" The nurse said and Jamee did as the she had told her.

They were walking past some rooms and Jamee noticed the colors of the ward. It seemed purple or pink. The doors had the typical little window in them, with the wire and only a tiny space not covered with the mesh.

It was a mixed ward, just like it was back in Texas. Though the majority of course were men here, as well as in Texas. What else did you expect from a VA hospital? She asked herself, as if ever anybody my age would be found at a place like this…'

She was used to being around adults her whole life, so it wasn't that big of a deal for her.

"This is your room Jamee" The nurse opened the door and she walked in. They put the suitcases in the corner."The doctor will be coming to see you soon, if you need anything just ring the bell, I'm sure you know how that works." She smiled at her.

"Yes I know. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

She left, locking the door. Those locking sounds began to drive her crazy. She was not insane, well…at least not completely. She wanted to be free to walk around like other patients too. She shuddered, thinking about the word 'patient'. She wasn't a patient…she just had nowhere else to go and they'd never let her go somewhere else…She started unpacking her suitcases and made herself…well, at home would not apply. Maybe she just wanted to make her halfway feel comfortable. About two hours later, it was just before dinner, a doctor came through her door. Then another one, and another one and two nurses.

The eldest of the doctors smiled and started talking.

"So…Jamee…I hope it's alright if I confront you with your first name?"

"Yes."

"Well I'm doctor Millard, it's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too."

"So, how are you? You've had a long trip here!"

"I'm fine considering the circumstances. Who are the others?"

He laughed. He probably hadn't expected her to be so straightforward, but she could be, especially when she wanted to know what's going on.

"This is doctor Andrews to my right and to my left doctor Garcia. The nurses are Mrs. Roberts and Ms. Fielding."

"I see…nice to meet you." She turned to their faces.

"Nice to meet you, too." they all mumbled.

"So Jamee, I just want to take a quick look at you, tomorrow we will have your first examination here and

you and I are gonna sit down to have a little talk. I was also told an Army official would be there as well."

Her eyes widened. Did they have a job for her? Did they tell the hospital who she was? Well…she would find out tomorrow. Doctor Millard looked her in each eye with a tiny flashlight, made her open her mouth and looked in there too, checked her ears and nostrils, and then finally took her blood pressure.

"Everything seems fine." He said " Do you need anything else?"

"I would like my room not to be locked, I am not suicidal or a danger to others."

"I'm afraid for tonight you'll have to live with it. But we can talk about it tomorrow" He winked at her.

"Well, have a good night, see you tomorrow!"

"Bye." She mumbled.

They left, and when the door closed, she heard the sound of it getting locked again. She shuddered a brief second. A couple of minutes later, dinner was brought to her. The nurse told her, that she'd get it in her room tonight but after the talk with the doctor she was sure she could have it in the dining hall with the other patients. Jamee didn't eat much that night. Well she never ate much. She was really skinny she knew that, but it didn't seem too bad to her. She didn't feel weak because of her light weight. After dinner, she decided to take a shower and call it an early night. The nurse had to wake her up for some medication which made her even sleepier and she slept the whole night without a dream. She was well rested when the nurse came in to wake her up in the morning.

"Good morning, time to wake up." she said, a bit too loud, for Jamee's taste.

She checked her records and wrote some stuff in them. Jamee yawned.

"Please get dressed, you will have breakfast brought soon and afterwards you have your appointment with Dr. Millard." The nurse opened the window, presumably to let in some fresh air but Jamee felt captured again. The windows of course, had a metal mesh attached behind them. She got up and hoped that the day would be over soon. She hated when they questioned her and took all kinds of stupid tests on her.

It had been almost two hours. The first one she spent talking with Dr. Millard. The doctor was a reasonable person, she thought. He was nice and calm and that calmed her down. After all social interactions had never been her thing. But she didn't blame herself over that. She knew why it was that way and that was enough for her to justify her shyness and carefulness when it came to people. Her life had taught her the difference between good and bad people and to quickly decide who was which. She felt like she could distinguish pretty good and so far she'd never been wrong.

They basically talked the normal "admission talk" but she realized Dr. Millard was going for more, too. Did he think she was crazier than what they had said at first? His questions were specific and he didn't accept the term "I don't know". At least not very often. They talked about her intelligence and he even had some test questions for her which she mastered without hesitating. He seemed content when they finished talking. He shook her hand and guided her out of the room.

The other hour she had spent getting her physical exam. They were working thoroughly on her, or at least that impression was left with her. She almost fainted after she got her blood drawn and now, feeling light, was about to have her EEG. The nurse fixed her up with all the wires and electrodes to her head. The hospital was very busy that day so she had to wait outside the treatment room on a gurney they had put her on, after she felt dizzy from the blood drawing. She did feel better though since they gave her a cup of water. She was sitting here, hooked up to all the wires, wearing a white hospital gown and two different socks, which she later realized. Her blonde hair was a mess because of the electrodes hooked up to her head. Of course that didn't make her seem any less crazy.

And as she sat there and waited, a male patient in a wheelchair wheeled his way around the corner, singing something in Spanish and making the wheelchair roll on its back wheels from time to time. She didn't want to stare at him but when he came closer and she looked at his face she could hear something in her head click. He was wearing a baseball cap, a T-shirt with something printed on it that she couldn't read, a pair of khaki pants, and a pair of black Converse shoes. Maybe it was just her mind starting to get completely nuts but she felt like she had seen him before.

When the man looked at her, he stopped singing, the wheelchair dropped on its front wheels and he stared directly into her eyes. What was going on?

"There he is!" A woman's voice was echoing down the hallway. Two big men came and almost tackled the man off the wheelchair, grabbing him and dragging him away. He didn't say anything. He didn't resist or yell or punch or kick…nothing. He was there and the next second he was gone. Jamee felt weird. She was sure she had seen this person before…but…a long time ago…was he one of the guards during her captivity in Texas? She rarely forgot a face. She couldn't think about it very much though, because the nurse came and she got the EEG done.

After the EEG, Jamee was brought to her room. The doctor had told her if she behaved well they will leave her door unlocked and she can move freely, at least around the ward, at first. That was okay for her. In Texas she was allowed to be on the ward at almost all times and she was even allowed to go into the backyard when she had time and felt like it. She took a shower and after that it was time for lunch. The nurse came and told her that if she wanted to, she could have lunch with the other patients in the dining hall. She more than wanted to see other faces, even if they were crazy faces, to which she was used to anyways.

In the dining hall there were already a lot of people from the ward. It didn't take long for her to find her way around. She took a tray and went to the food hand out. They had some meatballs and spaghetti, Mac and cheese and other things plus a little plate of salad for everyone. Jamee took the salad. She did not feel like eating any of the other stuff. The lady handing out the food seemed really nice and told her:

"Listen dear, I dunno what a little lady like you is doing here on this ward, but let me tell you, you gotta eat. Them doctors don't like seeing you not eatin' good, understand?" She smiled.

"I understand ma'am, it's just, I'm really not that hungry today...but I promise I'll try to eat better for dinner." She smiled briefly then turned away.

"You should!" She yelled after her.

Jamee looked around the big room. There were tables set up for four people or eight people at a time.

The room was nice and big, with tall windows on its left and right side, where you could see outside, part of the hospital park and the other buildings. The weather was nice and sunny. Birds were passing the windows just as she was looking out of them. The only thing bothering her about the view was the metal mesh behind the glass. Of course she had to be reminded where she was in everywhere she was going...

She spotted a table where no one was sitting yet, so she went right for that one. While walking to that table, she saw the man again. Her heart jumped for a second. She knew, she just knew she was familiar with those eyes. He looked at her, for a short moment. She passed the other tables and sat down. She didn't want to look again, it might seem rude, maybe he was some kind of a maniac who didn't like women or something…who knew? But then no…she couldn't associate him with any angriness or feelings of hate.

She looked up and immediately down again when she realized he had been looking at her the whole time.

Who is that?'Usually she could remember faces quite well...why not his? It must really have been a long time ago.

Jamee finished her salad, and before getting up to return the tray, turned her head to where he was sitting again. She looked up and noticed that he wasn't looking at her then. He was talking with the other patients at his table. She took a closer look. He was not wearing a baseball cap this time, she could see his hair, it actually wasn't as short as she thought it would have to be, he also seemed to have sparse hair on his forehead. She couldn't make out his eye color, something dark though…he had an angular, masculine face. He didn't seem like he had a lot of muscles or anything, but still his physique was definitely a manly one. He had his head turned to the others and was talking and laughing. It was a cute kind of laugh, the way the corner of his mouth moved upwards. Interesting to watch. Then he stopped and looked at her. Jamee was slightly startled, she looked away quickly, grabbed her tray, got up and walked to where the tray return rack was. She put hers in it and quickly walked outside the dining hall.

Jamee spent the afternoon getting some other tests done on her, talking to the superintendent and of course the Army came checking on her.

She knew Colonel Redfield from when he was still a Lieutenant. The first time they had met was when higher officials and friends of her fathers had found out where she was kept. On her first day in the Texas VA hospital, he had come to visit her. And ever since then, he was the one to check on her every now and then and sometimes, just sometimes, he made her come with him to some underground base, with lots of computers, and there she would have to show what she was trained for. He was an okay kind of guy. Not very emotional but he seemed to care enough about her to let her have her freedom while she was on "missions" with him. She was torn in half during those missions…she did love the challenge, the hacking the typing the cracking. on the other hand, she never knew if she really was on the right side, protecting people by her actions, or harming people. They'd rarely tell her why she was doing those things. And if they did, she only knew the basics. They could even lie to her and she could be responsible for killing someone without her knowing. That often gave her restless nights. But she didn't have a choice. They'd tell her what to do and she'd have to do it. She didn't want to think about the consequences that'd await her if she'd disobey them.

When she was about 10, she remembered a "mission" where she absolutely did not want to participate. After all she was a child and the computer part was extremely hard so she was about to give up. They put her in a cell, completely dark, for ten days straight. Nothing but the dark and bread and water. They knew how to get what they wanted from her, and when they wouldn't get it in a halfway nice way, they'd definitely get it in a bad way.

'No wonder that I feel insane at times'. She also wondered how she managed to maintain being happy after all that had happened. She blamed it on her mother. She didn't remember much of her, but what she did remember is that, she always smiled, even in the most dangerous situaions…

Colonel Redfield left after a while and when she asked him to bring her something nice next time, he even said he'd think about it if he didn't hear anything negative about her behaviour in the hospital. She obviously wasn't very good at joking.

After the Colonel left, a nurse came to get her. She felt really exhausted but she didn't want to go to her room since the weather outside still seemed so nice and it was still a little time until dinner.

"Please nurse, wouldn't it be possible for me to go outside for a little walk?"

"I'm afraid you won't be allowed to do that darling." she said.

"The superintendent said I could, and I really just want to go for a little walk."

"Listen, this will all be in your files tomorrow, until then, I have to bring you back on the ward, why don't you go to the dayroom and find something to do there?"

"Well…I'd rather stay in my room then and be not disturbed until dinner-"

"You are done for today, in an hour I'm gonna come and get you for dinner, okay?"

"Fine" She said, when they had just arrived in front of her room.

She closed the door, and the nurse was gone.

"As if." she said to herself.

Sneaking around was something she had always been good in. And sneaking around in hospitals was her speciality. So why the heck waste time inside when she could be laying down on some soft grass outside and let the sun shine on her face for a little while. It was always for a little while, since she was kept in the underground facility in Texas, her skin was really pale and she would have to be careful of getting sunburnt.

She went to the nurses station and said to nurse Roberts "Nurse Roberts, if I can't go outside, I would like to go watch some tv."

"Go ahead." the nurse said, and smiled at her.

'Well, this should be fun' she thought to herself, ready to do some exploring in this Los Angeles psych ward of yet another Veterans Administration hospital.

Okay, so we're still kinda like in the past...but closer to the present, yeah xD And almost there ;) Oh also, if you've been reading the warnings, the next Chapter is full of them! Muahaha ;D