CHAPTER 4 - Fault -

I call you up whenever things go wrong.
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on.
I can't believe it took me quite so long.
To take the forbidden step.
Is this something that I might regret?
I thought that we would just be friends.
Things will never be the same again.
It's just the beginning it's not the end.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
Never be the same again.

- Melanie C.

If only he hadn't done it. But now it was too late. He felt horrible. So Horrible and so good at the same time. Guilt was rising up inside him like waves in the ocean. It came and it went but it never went away… There were so many thoughts in his head, he felt more insane than ever. Was he as sick as they determined he was? He must be...why else would he have been sent to an psychiatric ward of a VA hospital and the others to prison...

One word came to his mind oh so often and it was not "why", he knew why...it was "how".

How could he have done that to her. How could he give in to his feelings like that. How would anyone react if they found out. How did she really feel. How did it all start. And how, for gods sake, how could this whole thing ever have happened.

Every time he kept thinking for hours he came to one conclusion: 'This is so wrong. But it feels so right.'

He was trapped. Between a proper adults (if insane) mind, ethical issues and his feelings for the most wonderful girl in the world. Girl. A girl she was indeed. She was 16 years old, soon to be 17. He was double that age. He was sure he'd have gone completely insane, hadn't she wanted it too. She did want it, too, didn't she? He let himself get weak. A thing he had never let himself get before when it came to her. But with eyes so blue, a voice so sweet and a mind so wonderful he wanted to dig in and suck up every inch of it…he couldn't resist. And all it took was three little words for him to cross a line he never ever would have wanted to cross in his life.

"I want to."

Her angel like voice echoed in his brain and a vision came to his mind.

Her eyes looking at him hungrily yet full of fright of what is going to happen next. Nervousness. Sweat. Sighs. The smell of her hair, of her neck, of her arms...of her stomach. Those angel lips trembling with pleasure and pain at the same time.

The question rose up again. How could he have done it?

His head came crushing in on him with pictures and thoughts, positive and negative both and he just couldn't take it anymore. Screaming, he hit his table, a box of pens fell of it and they were now spread on the floor. He took his chair and threw it across the room, still screaming. Of course it didn't take long till a nurse and a guard came in. He fought. He wrestled him. And the last thing he new, was his anger disappearing and sleep softly releasing him.

It had been two days since it had happened. And neither one of them could get the guts together to talk about it. Murdock knew he should've been the one, but in fright of Jamee's resentment he still was struggling to do so. That day he got up, decided to get his act together and confront her. He needed clarity about this. And he wanted her to be okay more than anything. He hoped he hadn't done any damage to her fragile mind. It was in the evening, when he finally found her. Sitting in the backyard on a bench, reading a book. His stomach began aching and his body acted as if it just wanted to turn around, making it hard for him to get to her. But he continued. His look kept hovering on her. And then…she looked up.

"Can we talk?" He blurted it out.

She eyed him suspiciously, probably thinking about how to react. Her body gave her away though. She was blushing quite a bit. He tilted his head to the side awaiting her response. After about thirty seconds, she closed her book, got up and lead the way. He followed her, not surprised of the choice of grounds she had made for their talk.

They were finally sitting together again. Outside at the spot they'd always sit, under the big tree.

"I'm so horribly sorry Jamee." he began.

She looked at him. Then shook her head lightly.

"There is no need to be sorry for something you gave to me because I wanted it."

"You're 16 sweetheart...you can't know yet if you even wanted that or not."

"Oh so I am still the little child now right?" She sounded aggravated.

"I didn't mean it like that, you are just...so young."

"I am 16 years old. I am not a baby anymore. And I can decide what I want and what not!"

"I understand, I was a teenager too listen..."

"No, you listen Mister! That is your problem. Not accepting that my mind is much older than 16 years. And that's why you blame yourself for doing that, and me being 16. I don't understand Murdock. I thought...I thought it was a wonderful experience and now you ruin it, just because a shitty little thing called age...I give a fuck about age quite frankly! Time doesn't matter to me. I already have a wasted childhood, why waste my adolescence with "what if" questions...I asked you to do it and I...was happy...and I have to say this because...because you make me regret ever letting myself show you those feelings, if it hurts you so bad to accept them."

And then she took off.

„Great…just…great" He whispered angrily.

Murdock was getting…strange. A strange feeling. He was angry, sad and felt loved and hated and…everything came crashing on him, as always in the last days.

He could have run after her but in a mental hospital, that's not exactly the right thing to do if you don't want nurses and guards running after you with spike y needles and shots that'll make you sleep for the rest of the day.

But what did she say? He couldn't accept her love? Only because of the age difference? Well maybe…he admitted to himself. But who could blame him? He was in his thirties and she was…16. Legal well yes, but, for him she was still a child in a way. Accept her love? Well, he loved her to death, but…he never really could believe that she could feel the same thing for him. And honestly, it took him a while to understand that his feelings for her were those of a deeper kind. She was just 16 and had never had any experience with love. So, how could he be sure of her love? If he let go and just went for it, in a couple of years she'd be a young woman, wanting to go her own way…he'd be devastated. Was she able to recognize her feelings as those of this strong and endless kind? Honestly, he didn't give a damn about the age really. For him it didn't matter. But for society it did. For her it did. She couldn't know.

All he wanted for her was her to be happy and…someday free. She couldn't be happy if he took her for himself, he thought, and how did she ever have a chance of being free when she was with a group of men being wanted by the government? Did she even understand the kind of conflict this inflicted on him? Wanting something so bad yet knowing that if he took it, he'd only hurt it.

It got late and it was time for dinner, Murdock was still outside. He grew more and more sick of thinking about the matter. He was at a point of mental and physical defeat of his own feelings. In other words, he did not feel like arguing with himself anymore, like he had so often in the past…why was it that this girl always seemed to make him healthier, even when she took off mad?

At dinner, she did not take a look at him.

When he went past her she didn't look up.

He had to talk to her and tell her the truth…but how?

And then suddenly…he had a plan...

He waited, until Jamee left the dayroom where she had went after dinner he found out. She liked to draw lately so he thought he'd go look for her there before he tried to look for her on the ward. He was right. He decided to hide in one of the supply rooms and pray that no one needed anything from in there. He was lucky. When Jamee left, no one else was around. As she passed the door, he swung it open, grabbed her arm and pulled her in, closing the door again. It all went so fast, all that she did was sigh. He pushed her against the wall and…kissed her. He couldn't hold back anymore. He kissed her like no other woman he had kissed before, he realized that. At first she kept her lips shut but when he didn't let go and continued pressing his lips against hers, she gave in and they kissed like they had a week before. He was shaking with pleasure and had to hold her up since it seemed like her knees started to give in. When they broke lose, they were both breathing heavily. He looked at her face. Her bright blue eyes looked away shyly. Her cheeks flushed with a beautiful shade of pink. Her blonde hair in a little ponytail was now definitely ruined. It took him quite a second to come to his mind.

"Look at me Jamee."

She did.

"How could you ever think, that I wouldn't love each and every inch of you?"

She stared at him. The stare that he'd known since she was a little girl.

"You tell me," She said "I just want to be with you." she whispered.

His breathing grew heavy again. It was hard for him to open up in this way, but here was no turning back, because this was just the tip of the iceberg. He had already crashed and now it was time to start swimming as good as he could, without a life vest and no harbour in sight.

"I'm so sorry. It's my fault. But you…"

"Stop," she interrupted him, "this is not about fault."

"Jamee you have to understand, I may be someone who is wanted by law, but now, I am someone who did break the law in one of the worst kind of ways." He looked down on the ground.

"Who cares? Who do you think will find out? No one will. The other guys won't, if we behave normal around them."

"It's not that easy. We're behaving differently even now…you just don't see it Missy."

"Don't call me Missy right now."

"Sorry…old habit." he winked at her, noticeably relaxing the situation.

"But H.M." Her voice slightly shaking with fear, fear of losing him or having to pretend last week never happened…"how do we go on now?"

"That's a good question and I…I..."

For a while it was silent, they just stared into each others eyes. They could hear clacking footsteps come closer.

"Shit" he hissed. "okay, I'd better go now…will you meet me outside tonight, at the tree again?"

"Yes." she smiled and off he took.

"Mr. Murdock, what have you done in that supply room? Mr. Murdock! Stay here! Mr. Murdock!"

Jamee smiled. That was all that she could hear through the door of the supply room. The ward was now busy catching him once again and she could just stroll back to her room as if nothing had happened.

It got late and Jamee prepared her way outside. The nurses took their turns at certain hours, and for that case she had prepared a wig and pillows. The same thing Murdock would do. The nurses here…they have more important things to do then to check on you more than they need…a sad thing she found out being on a psych ward.

Murdock already waited for her. In the dark, his face looked like it did eleven years ago. It reminded her of Vietnam a lot. But then again it made her feel…so strange. Like she liked him a thousand times more than she did anyways. She loved him in the dark, to be honest. There was nothing sexier or cuter about his face when his glaring eyes stared at her, yet his face was partly covered with shadows.

"I'm here." she said

"I wouldn't have expected anything else." he said "Sneaking around really is your speciality."

He patted on the empty spot of grass next to him. "Come sit with me?" He asked.

She sat down.

It was quiet for a while, then he started talking.

"Once, when I was still a young boy, there was this girl, in my home town. We were best friends and really close. I guess I'd call her my high school sweetheart. We went to school together and hung out everyday. Her old man, he didn't particularly like me. We were young and stupid and in love and I probably would have done anything for her. One day it turned out she'd gotten pregnant from me. We were both kinda shocked and didn't know what to do. We were just too young I guess. But soon we decided to keep the baby. We did something we shouldn't have done and we were gonna take the consequences. When we went to prom, she was 4 months pregnant and I proposed to her, because that's what you did back then when you got a girl pregnant you know. Besides, I thought I loved her very deeply. That night, her father found out. He got so angry, he beat her and…he killed my son. Everything of course was out now. Everybody knew. My grandmother tried to protect me but it's hard to protect a 17 year old boy when you're 80. Her father came with some of his friends and they beat the living shit out of me…

I can't blame her, I realized with the years. She was young and scared. I felt helpless. Especially since I had enlisted in the Army and now would have to wait for my broken bones to heal before I could leave for service. We were at the same hospital. I went to visit her in her room, on crutches of course. I have never seen a person cry this hard before then. She went crazy and I felt so horrible because it was all my fault, I felt. She got pregnant because of me, beat up because of me and now…she was telling me to leave and never to come back again and that…she hated me. She did mean a lot to me. When I told her I'd be leaving for basic training after this, she didn't even look at me. When I told her that…I loved her, she told me to leave. Her father was arrested by the police shortly after that…he was an alcoholic and it turned out he beat her mother almost to death as well. When I got out of the hospital, I wanted to visit her, and talk about it all you know. When I was standing in front of her house, it was empty and a "for sale" sign was hanging on the mailbox. She was gone. She had left without talking to me again, or maybe even giving me the new address. I was devastated, I have to admit. It did make it easier to leave for basic training though. I had lost the girl that I loved and a baby boy who was taken his right to live before he even had the strength to live on his own. I thought about it a lot when I was in Vietnam. A lot of the guys did have wives and children back at home. I wondered what it would be if we had gotten married and we'd have had our son.

When the guys were sent to prison and I was sent to the VA hospital, I thought about it in a different way. I was kinda relieved that, nobody would have to worry about me. I wouldn't have seen my son in a long time and even then, what son would be proud to have a dad in a VA hospital…and even now…I risk my life on these missions. So after Vietnam and after a while in the VA hospital, I decided love for me, wasn't gonna work out, and it does make it easier, to run risky operations when you know nobody is going to miss you when you're gone."

"Your talking B.S."

His eyes widened. What?!

"I'm not going to judge you by this story. I do understand the tragic of it. I do understand she was only a year older than I am now…but Murdock. This is a different life. Very different. I may be 16 years old, that's what my birth certificate would tell people, if I still had one…but…the way my life went, makes me feel like a 30 year old sometimes…I understand you want to make it clear how things can change when drastic occurrences happen. And I understand that you must've felt so alone when you left for Vietnam and when your grandmother died. But…you have to understand that…"

She slid in front of him, grabbing his face with both hands.

"…you are not alone anymore."

She kissed his forehead, like she had in Vietnam back then.

Murdock closed his eyes.

When he opened them, he could see hints of a smile on her face.

"It's too late now," she said "might as well give in Captain."

Looking at her innocent face, he couldn't believe that she was his. And for a moment, he put the feelings of guilt and wrongfulness aside, put his hands on her sides and pulled her closer. She placed her hands on his neck. And they kissed.

"You're shaking." He noticed.

"I'm cold." She simply said.

It was quiet again. Murdock was softly stroking her back and she nuzzled into his neck. He knew she waited for him to say it. Should he? Or more, could he?

"I'm waiting." She whispered, running a line with her index finger from his neck to his belly. How could a 16 year old with no prior experience be so seductive?

"I'm not sure what you want to hear." He could literally feel her rolling her eyes on him. It made him smirk.

"Think of something and then I'll let you know whether you're close or not."

"Do you want my jacket?"

"No."

"Want me to rub your arms?"

"No."

"Then...think about something hot?"

"Closer."

He took a deep breath.

"Wanna go inside?"

"Yes." She whispered, a hint of anticipation coming from her.

They got up and he could feel how cold it had gotten. No wonder she was freezing. They made their way inside on different paths, making sure they'd not get caught together if either one of them had some unwanted company coming for them.

They agreed on meeting in his room in 5 minutes. That was when the nurses made their last round for the night. Exactly 5 minutes and 36 seconds later, he opened his door at the sound of her scratching very lightly against it. She came in and he closed the door silently. She stood in the middle of his room, bare feet, wearing a tank top and long pyjama pants, her hair a little messy, from pretending to be asleep in her bed. The only light in the room was that of the moon and a small little lamp next to his bed. He came closer to her. She opened her arms and they hugged. He could feel her heart pound against his chest.

Murdock had to hold himself back. The girl had no prior experiences than that one night they spent a week ago. But the sight of her and the thoughts of that special night made it hard for him to keep his body controlled and not confront her with obvious signs of arousal. He knew it would take her a while to get used to it. She looked up to him, right in his eyes and then, they kissed. It started an innocent kiss but soon it became more, when suddenly pushed her back a little and stopped the kiss.

"Jamee" he must have looked as if he was in great pain "I'm warning you now, I'm not gonna be able to hold myself back anymore if you keep...kissing me like this."

She gained her breath and said "I don't want you to hold yourself back, H.M." she sighed at the touch of his hand on her neck "I...I want to be close to you."

He knew what that meant and now, the signs of his body couldn't have been any clearer. Jamee must have felt it. Maybe she didn't mind at that moment but it was a strange mood because he knew she didn't like it when his arousal was obvious to her in that way, yet he wanted to have her so bad, all of her, now. He softly laid her on the bed and kissed her. They were laying next to each other, since he knew not to be too fast with this because she was still a bit scared. His talented hands slid under her shirt and started to caress her belly. Jamee sighed. She lay her arms around him as good as she could and tried to hold back her moaning.

"You allright?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He smiled, yet he was surprised when he felt her soft hands doing the same thing to his belly, and even going further by pulling up the shirt.

'"...off." she whispered in his ear.

He took his shirt off and she looked at him in amazement. He lowered himself next to her again and she lifted her chin up to kiss him. The kiss was so passionately,he forgot everything else around them. He let his hand slide under her pants, reaching a special place...

"H.M." She whispered, a tiny hint of fear in her voice.

"It's alright darling, it will feel good soon." he said, staying focused on not losing his mind.

He worked his way around her and before she knew it she was laying there naked, him only wearing his underwear since he knew she couldn't handle the sight of his...well, friend, that well yet.

Jamee was getting really wet now and Murdock was trying his best not to rush things, which seemed incredibly hard for him right now.

She breathed heavily into his ear

"H.M...that...it feels good now..."

"told ya..." he whispered. In his head, he wondered if she'd be ready for him to go down on her yet and if he might just wanna give it a try. He knew she didn't have an Orgasm last time for various reasons. Mostly because halfway through he came to his grips and realized what he was doing.

He lowered his lips next to her ear and whispered

"Jamee, I can show you...a real good feeling if you let me do something..."

"What, you put it in me now?" She looked at him innocently...he realized for a moment, that she was actually way too innocent for this...how could he...well there was now way back now...

"No I, see...I would like to...kiss you..."

She closed her eyes and came closer. He kissed her lips but then he softly spoke into her ear.

"I want to kiss you somewhere else than your sweet little mouth."

She stopped for a second, as if thinking about what he had just said.

Murdock didn't hesitate and made use of her being confused for a second. He slowly made his way down her body, leaving a kissing trail from her neck to her belly button and lower...

"H.M!" She whispered louder now "what are you doing?!"

He looked up at her, still not having seen anything he wanted to see so badly.

"I told, I wanted to kiss you...somewhere else. Trust me hun, you will like it, it won't hurt."

"But...you can't...I don't want you...you can...don't look there..."

"Why not?" He asked her innocently, inches away from what he desired.

"It's..." she took a long pause and then a deep breath "naughty..." she whispered.

Murdock shifted his weight, and came up to her, lying next to her again.

"Listen, I won't make you do anything you don't want to okay? But you know, it's not like I've been doing this on a daily basis so honey...I'm sorry if I scared you."

He kissed her on the cheek, she looked at him, in the moonlight, he could see her age, he thought about it briefly, but then realized, it didn't mean anything to him because she had the most beautiful face he had ever seen and he couldn't ever say no to anything she wanted from him. Murdock lifted his arm and lightly stroked alongside her face with his left hand, stopping at her lips, and brushing them softly with his thumb.

"It's just that, you make me...crazy...but, in a good way." He placed a kiss on her lips.

He heard her heart beat fast now and her anticipation had returned it seemed. She put an arm around his back, dragging herself closer to him, whispering in his ear...

"I'm just discovering this side of me, so I appreciate your concern..." she took a deep breath as his hand stroke up and down her back while she was talking "...I'm just a bit scared that maybe, I won't be good enough for you, because I have only done this...with you...once..."

He was surprised.

"That's what you're worried about? You not being good enough for me? Jamee...honey you...I can't believe this...really? I mean...what could a guy like me ever, ever, ever ask more than being here right now with...a girl like you?..." he draw back a little, to get a better look at her face. "Look at me darlin'..."

Jamee did.

"...there is nothing of you, that wouldn't be good enough for me, because...each and everything is perfect about you. Don't you ever think anything else."

She stared at him. A stare o so familiar, but this time, her lips turned into a beautiful deep smile. Then she lifted herself to get closer to his position, as he'd been leaning on his arm. And with three simple words, Jamee made him lose every inch of restraint which was once holding him back to do the wonderful things he wanted to do with her for so long.

"H.M...I want you."

They shared a kiss, so sweet, so desperate, that it was hard to not forget where they actually were, and that they had to at least stay a little quiet. He positioned himself atop of her and this time, Jamee readily spread her legs for him to fit in. With a simple move he removed the last piece of fabric seperating them and then he lowered himself on her, slowly, painfully. Jamee winced when she realized he was really close to her, down there.

"Ready?" He whispered, holding himself back as good as he could. He thought it was weird to ask but he didn't want to push her in any way. And for another painful 10 seconds or so, he awaited her approval of this horribly wrong thing.

"...yes..." was all she said, then she closed her eyes.

He came down to earth for a second, when he felt his tip touching her, finding his way in as if nothing in the world was more meant to be than this. She flinched when he pushed inside with a little force.

"You okay?" he asked.

"...yeah" she said, still keeping her eyes shut.

Murdock felt "her" cling around "him" and it was extremely hard for him not to just start thrusting too fast too soon. It didn't make it easier that he couldn't get inside deeper...her body wasn't used to being handled this way and it yet had to adjust. He wasn't too distracted though to not notice she had to...adapt herself to him before he could go any further. The last time they did this, it was not any different. They remained for a moment, when she opened her eyes and he looked at her whispering

"I will try to put it in all the way now, okay?"

"yes..." she whispered back at him. He was positive that he could hear the uncertainty in her voice, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that it was too late to stop right now.

When he slid in all the way, he let out a little growl, he didn't remember it being so good. He thought nothing could top that first time he did this but this time, it seemed even sweeter. It made him feel so good yet it was so forbidden. He wanted this so bad. He wanted her.

Jamee sighed and he lowered himself to hear right ear.

"Baby please let me know if it hurts too much, I don't wanna be hurtin' you."

"...it's...fine" she sighed. "I want...this."

"I know." he said, slowly pulling out and pushing back in again, finding his rhythm. With her, it was so easy. It was as if their bodies were meant to come together. It felt incredible. Like nothing he had felt before. They didn't take the usual time to adjust to the rhythm of each other, they were the rhythm.

"Is it better now?" He whispered.

"...good" she moaned quietly.

It reassured him that he was doing well. He fastened his pace, making it even more enjoyable for the both of them. Jamee's reaction was a welcomed one.

"Ahhh." she moaned.

"Shhhh." he put a finger over her lips, then started moving fast again.

"Mmm." a soft squeaking sound escaped her closed lips.

They went on for a while, enjoying the sin, when Jamee put her hands on his upper arms.

"H..M..." she whispered.

"Yeah."

"It feels...strange it's...so hot...I'm so hot."

He had to think about it for a second, then he smiled, realizing that he didn't get as bad in this as he'd thought he had.

"That's okay sweetheart, it's a good thing, just let it get hot."

What else should he have said to her to make it easier? He was ready to climax the minute he pushed into her all the way, so he had to focus on not spoiling the fun too early. If he'd been a teenager again, this would've been all over by now. He decided to help the situation and positioned his hips a little higher,slowly starting to thrust faster.

"Ah!" she moaned again. "H..M..I..it's...what is..."

"Shhhh" was the only sound he could make when he felt "her" getting tighter and tighter. He was afraid he wouldn't make it 'til "the end".

But then, reality hit him when she started breathing really fast and a series of not too quiet moans escaped her lips, the only thing he knew to do was put his mouth over hers for a deep kiss so hopefully the nurses wouldn't hear any of it should they be passing by. Jamee's back arched and he felt that familiar feeling of a well done job around himself. She instinctively pushed herself against him again and again with waves of pleasure, he couldn't help but let go of this tension and let himself release at the rhythm of her body forcing that movement out of him...he felt every bit of him joining her and finally had to react quickly to not fall on her and crush her...this was too intense. This whole thing was so...intense.

He caressed her back while her head was resting on his chest. Jamee was completely worn out and he couldn't say he was exactly fit at the moment. But he felt so...relaxed. At peace with the world. This was a precious moment and he enjoyed it. He was happy.

"H.M.?" Jamee whispered.

"yes, my darling?"

"I had...an orgasm - didn't I?"

He could feel her head bumping on his chest from his chuckling. The girl was too sweet. But after all he couldn't blame her for not knowing. How in the world could she?

"What!?" She whispered, a bit louder now, obviously getting insecure about his chuckling.

He quickly calmed himself. Thank god the Army had taught him self control...

"Yes, yes hun I think that was it." He smiled at her, realizing that this could get pretty interesting since she practically knew nothing about Sex.

"Why were you laughing?" she asked reproachfully.

"It's just, you said it in such a cute way babe." He kissed her forehead.

"Oh...alright...well, I'm happy." she said, putting her head back on his chest with a smile.

Murdock smiled. After all, behind the cover of being a grown up and behind her genius mind, this "woman" still was a little girl somewhere in her head, he knew that. Weren't they all? But this time, it didn't bother him, it just raised the feeling of needing to protect her.

"I'm glad." He whispered, feeling her smile on his chest.

And then...his mind went blank. He'd been thinking about so many things those past days and now...it was gone. He was relieved. It didn't take him even five seconds after he realized that she fell asleep, to fall asleep himself as well.

Sooo yeah. *Awkward silence* Don't look at me, I told you this was wrong! This is what an insane brain can produce when it's thoughts are let free over two glasses of delicious red wine. So, the dirty part has started, and it shall not stop. But it won't get any smuttier or something, don't worry. This is as wrong as it gets :D