CHAPTER 6 – the decision
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spot-light
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper, of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
- REM
Jamee felt even weaker than before. They couldn't be dead. No way. He was just messing with her mind.
She didn't know how much time had passed when the door opened again and a man of a much more smaller physique than Dexter and Bill entered the room. His most outstanding feature was his beard that almost covered up his whole face. He had a suitcase with him and walked towards her.
"Hello Miss Miller." his voice was surprisingly calm.
He put his suitcase next to her. The ropes felt horrible by now and she didn't want to move an inch without having to.
"I'm Dr. Howard. I will take a look at you every couple of hours from now on, to make sure you…will be in a state of clear mind at all times. Should you want to scream your lungs out though, or act violently, I can always make you slumber like an infant…or a corpse. Now, let's have a look at that arm of yours."
He cut the sleeve of her jacket of and revealed the wound. She could barely see it from her perspective, all she could see was a long streak of red, crusty flesh. She didn't mind. She'd had nastier things happen to her in her life. Dr. Howard pulled a string and a needle out of his suitcase, cleaned the wound and then sewed the flesh together. Of course, without any kind of local anesthesia. Jamee didn't resist. She thought that it was unnecessary to sew it though, it was only two stitches after all- or at least that was what she could feel. She was just hoping that he sewed it back together halfway decent so it wouldn't look too messed up when it was healed.
When he was done, he put his things back together and left without saying a word.
Dexter and Bill were standing behind her. She hated the feeling of somebody's presence behind her but she didn't want to turn around, because the ropes were still more than uncomfortable. Her hands must've turned a light shade of blue by now.
A while passed and without any hesitation, the guys pulled their clubs again. She shivered when she heard them coming at her. But she needed to be strong, needed to hold on. She was so sure they would come to help her. And she was so sorry already, that they would have to find her like this.
It felt like her back had hit asphalt, when the impact happened. Then it was her arm again.
It hurt so bad, she couldn't hold back anymore and screamed in pain. The stitches had to have ripped open again, she could feel the bandage getting soaked with blood.
They hit again and again and she screamed on top of her lungs because she didn't care anymore. But at some point, the screams got weaker, the pain got more bearable, the room became darker, their laughter blurrier and then…everything went black.
'Thank God' she thought 'thank God, I'm passing out…'
At first, it was dark. Then something was coming closer and before she knew it, she was standing at a beach. The waves were brushing quietly against the land, giving the familiar sound of the ocean. She looked around to see that no one else was there. Then she looked down on herself. She wasn't wearing any shoes and…her feet looked so small. Too small. She held her hands in front of her and looked at them. They were tiny. Then she looked at her chest and all she could see was her belly and tiny feet. When she realized she was naked, she got nervous. The waves kept on whispering in front of her. She started walking towards the water and the whispers became louder and louder. They turned into voices, clear voices, whispering all kinds of things.
"What is she doing here? Come closer. No don't! Come on, the water is warm. Why is she here? What's this supposed to mean? Come on, it's so warm. Quick! Run! Don't turn around. Does she know she's here? No, don't go further, stop! Why is this happening? Something's wrong! Get in the water! No!"
She almost ran now, and it seemed that the closer she got the water, the louder the voices were getting. It felt like something dragged her to the water. She noticed that it took her unnaturally long to reach the shoreline. The voices were so loud now, that she couldn't even hear the ocean anymore.
"Come closer. Why is she here!? This is wrong! You are wrong. Don't come closer! It's nice and warm, come in. It's so warm. What is she doing here? Can you feel it? Don't! No!"
And then her feet touched the wet sand of the shoreline. She was almost at the water.
"Why are you doing this? He's not here. No one's here. Come closer, come on. It's a nice place. No! Go away! It's all warm in there. No, don't! No! It's okay, shhhh. No! Go away! Come here! No! No don't! NO! JAMEE!"
When she touched the water, she heard herself screaming her name, while she held her hands over her ears and went on her knees. Then…it was gone. It was silent again. The ocean was quiet now. Not a single wave was there. No voices. No screaming. She leaned forward, putting her hands in the sand an inch away from where the water started. Then she leaned in a bit more over the completely quiet surface of the water and she could see her…face? She was looking at a face, definitely, but all she saw was just the face of a little girl. A naked little girl, looking at her totally calm, no expression on her face or whatsoever.
"Why don't you come in Jamee?" The little girl in the water asked her without any sign of emotion on her face. "It's so warm and nice."
Jamee felt scared, but the dragging force that wanted her in the water was too persistent for her to turn around and leave. She was almost hypnotised by the big ocean in front of her. The face kept on staring and she felt herself getting weaker and weaker. Her eyelids got heavier and her head sank a few inches.
"It's okay," the face said "come in here and everything will be fine. We'll have lot's of fun, Jamee. We can do anything you ever wanted to do." Then it smiled at her brightly, it's eyes never changing their emotionless state though.
But Jamee found herself still being able to withstand the enormous desire to touch the water. Something wasn't quite right.
"Don't be afraid," it said "it won't hurt. Just come with me. You'll be free."
And then, the feeling of fear slowly disappeared and all she felt was warmth and comfort. She almost felt relieved, looking at the widely smiling face of herself mirrored in the water.
When she lifted her right hand to put it in the water, she heard somebody scream on top of their lungs.
"JAMEE DON'T !"
She looked up in shock when a hand shot out of the water and grabbed her wrist tightly. She struggled in fear and immediately started to pull away from it with all of her strength.
"Don't let it get you in the water!" the voice yelled.
She kicked and hit and pulled and then she screamed, for the first time hearing her own voice in this strange situation.
"Let me go! Let. Me. Gooo!"
The hand let go and Jamee fell on her back. She was still naked and but didn't care anymore. She turned to the left in order to see who screamed for her. It was a female figure, also naked but barely visible, almost as if someone had taken a silvery linen sheet and wrapped her into it. It seemed like she was almost glowing. When her eyes reached the face of the woman, she couldn't believe it.
"Mama?" she said, rubbing her eyes in disbelief, but when she looked again she was sure. "Mama!"
Within a second she got up and started running towards her, spreading her arms open wide. Her mother smiled at her and opened her arms for a warm welcome. Jamee jumped and landed right in her mother's arms. It was warm, and nice, and smelled like a warm spring day, like the sun, the flowers, a nearby creek and everything nice when she took her in a deep embrace.
"Mama, I've missed you so much!"
She didn't realize tears were streaming down her face as she hugged her mother back as hard as she could possibly do. When she felt her mothers hand on her head she looked up, then down and realized that she was standing on both of her feet, the sand getting between her toes. She was back to her old teenage-self, now wearing a dress that was a light shade of green. She looked down on herself, then up to her mother who kept smiling at her.
"Jamee, it's time to go."
Her expression changed from excited to scared.
"But….I don't want to leave…I want to stay here please. I really don't want to go Mama. I wanna talk to you for longer…I wanna…stay…" she said woefully.
"You're such a strong girl, Jamee. You have to fight. And you will have to fight your whole life. This is not the time to give up yet."
She kept looking at her smiling mother questioningly.
She thought about it. Wasn't she right? Hasn't she been fighting her whole life, more than anybody else she knew? Wouldn't her mother want her to go on no matter what? Wasn't that…what her parents had taught her?
She whimpered for a second. Then she hugged her mother once again, enjoying the warm embrace.
"One day, we will talk. But not today, my darling baby, not today." she felt her mothers arms around her like warm water protecting the skin against the cold outside.
"I love you Mama." she whispered.
"I love you too, Jamee." her mother said, placing a soft kiss against her forehead.
And then she let go, turned around, and started walking towards the unknown cold. But she smiled, and her walking turned into running again but this time, someone was running towards her. Finally! It was them!
She ran and ran but then, she was being dragged backwards, the team falling back more and more. It got harder and harder for her to run, her feet felt like they were glued to the floor. She heard herself breathe heavily from the exhaustion, and then Hannibal was gone, Face, B.A. and then…Murdock was gone and everything went dark again.
"I think we lost her." a muffled voice said.
"Goddammit I told you not to kill her!"
"Sorry boss we didn't-"
"Shut up!"
A loud noise did the rest for her to realize that she most likely wasn't dead at all. Her head hurt. Everything hurt. She couldn't even open her eyes.
"Shit!"
"Boss, we better leave."
"No one's leaving!" a familiar voice coming from further away suddenly interrupted the quarrel between the men.
And then it was all yelling, loud, clashing noises and gun shots all over again. When she heard the gun shots, she was bit more alarmed. Without any chance of fleeing, she was in real danger again of getting another gun wound. It got quieter and then, the last scream faded away. They were here. They came. And here she was, ripped clothes, lost, dependent, weak…a failure. A light hit her eyes and it stung like hell. She quickly closed them again.
"Oh…my…god…"
Face quickly took the light of the flashlight off her again. The sight of her was too much.
"We…we gotta get her to a hospital Murdock…" he said, shocked, "Hey, Murdock?"
H.M. Murdock stood there, frozen, about 15 feet away from what he could recognize as Jamee's body, her hands bound above her head, making her upper body hang from the ceiling, and her knees on the floor. Her shirt was ripped, showing too much of what was between her neck and her belly button. Fresh and old, crusted blood mixed on her arm, and her dirty clothes. Her face was looking down on the ground.
"Murdock!" Face yelled and Jamee heard it clearly this time. Murdock? She opened her eyes and looked down on herself in the now lighter room from the door being open. 'Oh thank god he's alright. They're alright.' She let out a sigh of relief.
"She's awake! Jamee, it's ok, it's us…" Face started walking towards her.
When she noticed him coming to her, she suddenly panicked, breathing nervously. She couldn't handle somebody coming near. Someone maybe wanting to touch her. But he didn't stop walking in her direction.
"…d-don't…" her voice was shaky "…don't!" she repeated, louder, but Face kept on walking, his hands halfway up in an almost surrendering position and her voice gave in at the thought of him coming closer every second.
Murdock just stared and then Jamee looked directly into his eyes and started screaming.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!"
Tears ran down her face, once again mixing with the dried up blood, making part of it stream down on her face.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" a loud scream was being forced from her throat.
Face stopped and turned around to Murdock.
"Murdock, come on, help me get her off of there!"
But Murdock didn't move. He couldn't move. Couldn't think straight. Couldn't answer Face. The image of her had triggered something in his brain. Something was terribly wrong. But it was then, that Hannibal and B.A. had reached them.
"What's going on here Lieutenant!" Hannibal yelled.
"Where's Jamee?!" B.A. said.
"It's bad Colonel." Face said, visibly shocked from what he and Murdock had found seconds before them.
When he heard her panicked breathing, Hannibal turned to her direction and as his eyes got used to the dark, he was shocked as well to see what was hanging in the middle of the room.
"Is that her…?" He asked in shock.
"Hannibal, we gotta get her to the nearest hospital right now, she doesn't look good at all…" Face answered.
Hannibal reacted quickly, pulling a pocket knife and walking towards her.
Jamee started screaming again, but this time, neither Hannibal nor Face stopped trying to get her off the rope.
"GET OFF ME! GET OFF OF ME!"
"B.A., Murdock, come here and give us a hand holding her down!" Hannibal yelled, obviously outraged.
B.A. quickly followed Hannibal's order, but Murdock kept on standing there, still frozen.
"THIS IS AN ODER CAPTAIN!" Hannibal yelled, knowing exactly what was going on in the mind of his comrade, while cutting the rope from the ceiling. B.A. tried to calm Jamee while holding her arms and Face supported her head.
When Jamee writhed in pain and the cord finally snapped, Murdock broke out of his stupor.
"I'm…kill him." He mumbled. Then he turned around slowly and started to walk while he was still mumbling to himself.
"COME BACK HERE CAPTAIN!" Hannibal screamed, but it was too late. Murdock was out and about the door.
"Damnit."
Jamee's screaming had stopped…she had passed out again. Face was about to run after Murdock when Hannibal motioned him to stay.
"Let him go Lieutenant, he'll do what he thinks is right. Now B.A. carry her to the van, quick!"
The sunlight that came in through the windows tickled her nose. She could feel it's warmth. Then the pain kicked in.
"Ugh…"
"Miss Miller?"
"Mmm…"
What a weird dream she had. Guys beating the living shit out of her, computers, all sorts of codes and programmes and…her mother...
"Miss Miller, can you hear me?"
"Haaa…my head…" she moaned.
"Look at me, Miss Miller."
She opened her eyes a tiny bit. The blurriness faded and she saw a nurse in a very familiar outfit.
"How do you feel?" She asked her.
"Like shit…where am I?"
The nurse smiled.
"At the V.A. hospital, Los Angeles, California."
"What?"
"You have a lot of explaining to do to Dr. Richter young lady. But I won't scold you right after you've woken up. Your friend Mr. Murdock is outside, waiting. He spent all his free time waiting for you to wake up, can you believe it?"
"H.M…" She said, already a bit clearer in mind. "Can I see him?"
"Well you have just woken up young lady. I have to check you thoroughly and see how you are doing. Then maybe your friend can come visit you." she gave her a wink stretching out the 'maybe'.
Jamee nodded, her heart starting to beat faster immediately.
"Okay, it'll be just a minute." The nurse started to check her, thoroughly, as she had put. She tested her eyes with a little flashlight, took her pulse, blood pressure and everything you could think of. Last, she checked the bullet wound on her arm and applied a new bandage.
"Okay, I think we're all done for now. How do you feel?" the nurse asked.
"Apart from all the pain, I'm great…" she joked.
"Of course dear, I'm going to let Dr. Richter know that you have woken up. You're gonna get another infusion real soon, okay?"
"Yeah yeah…can I see him now?" She said, while she was searching for the IV on her arms.
"Well…" the nurse eyed her from head to toe, looking suspicious. But then her face lightened up. "Okay." she smiled. "After all he has been waiting for a long time now and you seem to have recovered better than we thought."
"How long?" Jamee asked.
"Oh just about a week. Your condition was bad, but you hadn't slipped in to a coma, nothing the like, you just kept on sleeping. We were wondering when you'd wake up. You sure took your time." she winked at her then she turned around.
"I'm going to go get Mr. Murdock now. You'll have ten minutes! You still need to rest, understand? And then it's time to eat."
"Yes…" was all she answered, as the nurse left the room.
While she wondered why she hadn't gotten any shots or blood taken, Jamee remembered the IV in her left arm. Ugh, she hated those things. She looked at it, then the door opened and she could hear the nurse talking in the background.
"It's okay Mr. Murdock, you can go in now."
And then she saw him, walking in slowly, closing the door, looking at her while walking even closer, stopping by her bedside and…going on his knees in front of her ? Wait a second.
"Jay…" he whispered, his face a painful expression.
She looked at him, poor Murdock, he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He had dark shadows under his eyes that looked like someone had knocked him in both of them. He was so pale. She hated seeing him like this. Maybe the nurse shouldn't have let him in. Well, he wanted to see her…that made her feel so happy, but…was it worth being happy about something which is doomed to not last anyways? She was thinking as she heard him inhale sharply.
"Jay I-I don't know where to start I…thought…I thought you were dead…I-"
"Shhhhhh…" she made the comforting sound as soon as she realized what state he was in and then pulled one of her hands from under the blanket. It was bruised up pretty badly, she noticed, then she moved it towards him opening her hand slightly. He looked up at her, took her hand into both of his and, very carefully, gave it a kiss and then put his forehead against her hand in his. She felt something dripping on her hand and got scared that it might be blood but then she heard his muffled sobs.
"Please don't cry," she whispered "it makes me want to cry, too, and you know I hate crying." now with a teary voice herself.
"You don't understand," he said, having gained control again, but still speaking into his hands "I thought I'd never see you again Jay. I thought, I'd never hear you calling my name again, never see your smile again, I thought I'd have to keep on living without you…"
He didn't look up once while talking, he just held her hand and kissed it again. Maybe he didn't want her to see him like that but she was the one to complain. Bit for bit the pieces came back together in her head while he kept on talking. She remembered parts of their argument in Mrs. Winchesters mansion.
"I wasn't myself, I wasn't anybody, I just followed him and lucky me, I managed to get him right were I wanted him, down on his knees, his face all beaten up and my gun pointing right between his eyes…but…but…I didn't kill him…I didn't Jamee, I didn't kill him, because I was too weak to pull the trigger."
"It wasn't because you were too weak, it was because you are strong." She pressed his hands in hers lightly.
He looked up, a desperate glance in his beautiful blue-green eyes.
"It was because I realized then, at the verge of killing somebody, that you might have been dying that very moment. And that paradox made me turn around and run back to you, because it was you who I should have stayed with, but I couldn't because I thought…I thought..." he stopped and pressed his face a little harder against her hand.
"You thought, H.M. That's the difference. You thought. I'm here now. Everything will be fine again." she whispered, tears swelling up in her eyes when she remembered what he had done to her in the mansion. He had broken up with her, if you could even call it a break up. She quickly got a grip on her thoughts and continued. "I'll recover and then you can go on and about your way and we can still work together on the team…and…maybe hang out over a coke in the dining hall like we used to-"
"What are you talking about?" he looked up and a long pause followed his question.
"What do you mean, what am I talking about? I'm talking about what you said on the last mission, I'm talking about how I can't deal with all this on and off anymore, I'm talking about everything that has happened between us from the start, H.M..." she made a long pause and then sighed before continuing, " I can't keep on fighting for something when there is nothing to fight for, you know…" She didn't look at him when she finished, but out of the window where the sun was still shining brightly and the day was so beautiful.
"Nothing…to fight for…" she heard him repeat her words, slowly.
He looked at her but her eyes were empty, gazing out of the window behind him. He sighed.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe it's for the best if we just stay friends like we were before." she whispered.
Murdock felt strange. Even stranger than he usual. Did she just…dump him…sort of? It sure felt like it. But then again…hadn't he dumped her first? He wanted it that way didn't he? He was confused. He hadn't really expected her to go along with him in that way. He released her hand, considering to give it a little kiss again as he did so but then decided against it. He got up and looked at her, seemingly captured in her own world. She looked terrible. Her face, her arms, everything was still bruised. Her lip cut and her arm in bandages. And all because of him. Because he wasn't there. Because he had let her go alone. Because of the stupid, stupid life the both of them were forced to live. He couldn't take it anymore. Without saying a word, he turned around, walked out the door and closed it quietly. Maybe, maybe this really was for the better.
Jamee, still looking out of the window found herself captured in her own thoughts and hadn't even noticed that he had left. She was looking out of the window, still, staring at the sunny ground. 'The sun can be so cruel.' she thought. 'Horrible things happen and it just goes up and down every day, shining on as if there was no evil in the world…how can something so wonderful be so very mean and heartlessly ignoring, can't it see there's no reason to shine where I am? I might as well have died.'
A rather sad chapter, isn't it. Ah I didn't know if I really wanted the dream sequence in this one but then again, I thought it was a nice idea to involve her parents in a time like this, where she's you know, basically facing death and stuff. Her perspective is getting out of hand, will have to do some more Murdock perspectives soon. Anyways, hope you enjoyed it ;) Be sure to check out the next chapter for the queen of smut has once again written...smut xD enjoy xD